


Fix You

by Heyrrra



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Email AU - not sure this exists, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, Minor Character Death, Redvelvet minor characters, References to Depression, SEVENTEEN minor characters, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2020-06-25 14:43:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 56
Words: 113,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19747831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heyrrra/pseuds/Heyrrra
Summary: Cold, empty, closed off, bitter and mad were just a few words Lisa associated with J, someone who she came to know as a person broken by her past...but what if she could change how she viewed the world? One email at a time?AU where Lisa received a random email from someone who's hurting and Lisa being the sunshine that she is makes it her mission to fix J.For all those interested I made a fanfic trailer in youtube here: https://youtu.be/nNYAs8j9Ml8





	1. Sorry for Dragging You Into This

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Coldplay's "Fix you"

* * *

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/26/2017 11:27PM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Hello,**

**I don’t know if this is going to reach anyone - if it does then I'm going to apologize in advance, sorry for dragging you into this. I don’t even know why I’m writing this to begin with or if I’m ever going to hit send. You see… My therapist has been telling me to write how I feel, write everything that comes to mind… I try… oh how I try… there were days where I'd pick up a pen and stare at this cute little journal I randomly picked up at a store once, staring at it until I begin to see black spots in the corner of my eyes. I try my damnedest to write but I don't. I can't. Which could be why I'm typing this at 2 in the morning, I'm trying, really… and somehow this seems to be working… so here goes…**

**I don't know what to do anymore … I’ve been finding myself looking up at the sky every night lately, wishing for a shooting star… to be honest, just wishing for anything really. Anything that could help me make everything turn out differently than it did. You know how they say about wanting something so much that if you wished for it strongly enough, willed it, hoped for it, that for some strange reason it might… could… happen? Well, they're lying… I've been wishing, hoping, praying, hell I’ve been cursing God over and over again -- but it doesn’t happen, could never happen and will never happen. I'm just so fucking tired and fed up. They keep telling me not to blame myself, that everything will turn out just fine. But they don't. I wake up each morning with the same sick empty feeling. I wished they'd stop with the "I know how it feels" -- how could anyone know how another feels? They don't know, I don't tell them. But it hurts… It’s a white searing pain in my chest that won't go away, no matter how hard I try. It chokes and it stifles and it cuts off my hold on things. I… just want it to go away… Oh how I wish it would go away.**

**-MRJK**

Lisa stared at the email, half expecting it to disappear. Half expecting that it was a mistake and that her eyes were playing tricks on her. When her laptop dinged, she was hoping it was a job offer from one of the agencies she applied to, not an email from a random stranger who for some reason decided it was best to pour their heart out in the middle of the night. It practically bled with so much pain, oozing at the screen and slowly burrowing into Lisa's heart. The cursor hovered above “delete”, Lisa was torn between deleting the email and wanting to reach out to the person hurting on the other side of this email. _She knew she had a soft heart like that._ Reading through it again, whoever wrote it was going through something painful -- _it was kind of obvious_. The words from the email stared back at her, screamed at her from the screen. 

**To:[MRJK@nomail.com](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com)**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: HEY :)**

**Hey you,**

**I’m not sure if you were expecting a reply, if you thought the email you sent would have gone to a dead email account or if it made its way directly to the recipients spam or delete folder or something… But uh-- it didn’t, so… How are you? Sh*t, that’s basically the worst way to start this off. I’m bad at this sort of stuff so I’m pretty sure you picked the wrong random ass email to send this to. Anyways, doesn't everyone want to, in one way or another, have some kind of connection with the unknown? You know, just the thought that perhaps there's something out there that has greater control over us -- be it a shooting star, a birthday candle or a prayer. There’s something about that great unknown that calls out to us in a way. Well… that was never my thing MRJK, I never did believe in it, but that doesn’t mean I hate the thought of it though -- there’s this childlike innocence that comes with making a wish. A brief moment where we forget about the things that hurt and sucked. That safe little place where we felt unbeatable, where for a brief amount of time we felt we could do anything, have anything we want. It sounds awesome right? But the thing is, it only offers a brief escape from the harshness of reality, and you’ll find yourself in the same exact place you were before making the wish. Doesn’t that hurt more? Wishing, expecting, getting disappointed, and going back to square one? Back to that same old dark place where we always felt powerless. Back to that sick old feeling. It’s a sad, sad, vicious cycle. A cycle I don’t want you to go through. Pain can be a b*tch, but sometimes pain is what you need to realize that you’re human too. And the thing about humans is that they don’t have full control over the things that happen to them. Things happen just because they do and need to.**

**-L**

Lisa hit send before thinking it through. _There._ Dwelling over it would’ve prevented her from hitting that send button. It was the least she could do, she knew perfectly well how it felt to hurt inside. To hurt inside and drown at the same time, afraid of calling out to the people around her. Afraid of pulling them in with her, they didn’t deserve that. MRJK didn’t deserve that. No one deserves to go through that.

She glanced at the clock - 03:05AM. She had a very important interview with one of the big dance agencies in the city tomorrow morning and she didn’t want to mess this up like the others. Stretching, Lisa makes her way back to the comfort of her bed, staring at the ceiling for God knows how long, until sleep took over. The email the only thing she could think about.

* * *

Lisa decided it was better to skip breakfast. It was either bacon and toast or finally getting hired as an assistant dance instructor. It’s a no brainer, she’d choose the latter over the former anytime -- no matter how tempting the first option was. 

YG Dance Studio was a well known dance agency and school in the city. They’ve been home to many great dancers in the past couple years. Lisa hopes she had an impressive enough credential and hopefully an even more impressive dance routine to earn her a coveted spot in the company. She was told by the receptionist to wait outside as the big shot directors talk amongst themselves if she was qualified for the next round -- or not. 

Lisa felt her phone vibrate, a notification on her lock screen indicated a new email….

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/27/2017 10:19AM**

**TO:[LalalaM@nomail.com](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com)**

**I’m sorry… whoever you are… I was really not expecting anyone would reply… you can delete whatever it is I sent you and forget about what happened.**

**-J**

It took Lisa five whole minutes to read and re-read the damn email, not fully understanding what the words meant at the first try, fighting back the urge to curse around the second time and finally letting out an audible groan when she read it the third time around. There were still applicants waiting to be called in for their routines that hovered around the waiting room nervously and Lisa figured it would be a long day before the results were announced. _Might as well entertain myself, right?_

**To:[MRJK@nomail.com](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com)**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J**

**I like how we’re keeping up with this anonymous facade with each other. I’ll continue being that mysterious L ;). Have you ever watched the anime though? Death note? I liked his character a lot. Never mind… Just know that my inbox is always open whenever you’re up to talking about whatever it is that’s bothering you. I won’t give you the usual “I know how it feels” crap -- promise :)**

**\- L**

“Applicant 27? Lalisa Manoban?.”

Lisa had just pressed “send” when she heard her name being called…

“Lalisa Manoban? Is she here?”

“That would be me.” Lisa jot her hand up in the air, calling out the attention of the receptionist at the front. 

“Can you come with me? The board would like to get to know you more.” 


	2. I Swear I'm Not Weird or Anything

She could smell the stale scent of alcohol in the room. It's bitter musky odor lingered in the air, clinging to her bedsheets. Lingering long enough for Jennie to feel the taste of it in her mouth, making her scrunch her nose in disgust. She hated alcohol, she could never stand the taste of it, yet… her she was -- lying on her bed, head throbbing in tune to her erratic heartbeat as she groaned. 

_Fuck …_

The stillness was suffocating, it was times like these where the memories resurfaced. She didn’t need that right now, not when the hangover was already doing a pretty good job at messing up her morning. She shook her head, trying to ward off the incoming nausea and headache that wormed its way, banging open the doors to her otherwise languid brain. She tried opening her eyes slowly, allowing them to adjust to the light. Bit by bit she can see the room around her materialize. It looked pretty much the same as when she left it last night. Clothes strewn all over the place, a half eaten pizza neglected beside cans of soda piled on top of what used to be her study table, collecting mold for what? Three days now? A half empty bottle of vodka graced the foot of her bed, sunlight that escaped through the window slits made it glow against the stale, stuffy darkness of her room. She looked at it, just looked at it for a minute -- mesmerized by the different colors that bounced off of the glass, painting her white sheets with a pale rainbow. 

The sudden shrill ringing from her phone made her groan in frustration.

“Shit…” 

She fished for it beneath the blankets carelessly strewn around her. 

_Goddammit! It should be around here somewhere_. She vaguely remembered throwing it on top of the bed the moment she came home last night… or did she? 

“Fuck!” The ringing wouldn’t stop and it was getting on her nerves. She threw away the blankets in frustration, making it land on her bedroom floor in a heap. Her shrieking phone glowed, staring back at her. She rolled her eyes the moment she saw the caller id. 

“Where are you?! You were supposed to be here thirty minutes ago!” Jennie had to keep the phone a foot away. It wasn’t on speaker mode but it sure felt like it. 

“Christ! Jisoo! Would you stop screaming?”

“I would if you’d please drag your ass over here!? It started what? An hour and a half ago Jennie.”

“Im on it. Give me twenty minutes tops.” Jennie was already on her feet, going over the pile of clothes looking for anything that was wearable -- hell she’d take anything that was clean.

“Fine, and sorry I didn’t mean to go off at you like that -- I know you’re still not --”

“Look, it’s fine. I just had a rough morning that’s all… I’ll be there soon okay? Tell Rosé I’m sorry.” Jennie said through gritted teeth, pinching the bridge of her nose to get rid of the fresh wave of nausea 

“Don’t worry, just get over here as soon as you can. K? And Jennie?”

“Hm?”

“Take care.”

The line went dead. 

* * *

Jennie stood in front of her bathroom mirror, dark brown eyes staring back at her. Her knuckles white as she gripped on the sink, trying to even out her breathing. _She didn’t need this right now…_ The all too familiar feeling of drowning was back. 

“Not now… not now..” she doubled over and vomited, emptying the contents of her stomach in one hurl. Unspilled tears clouding her vision as she dry heaved.

“C’mon Jen… “ 

Jennie fell on her knees, hands still clutching the edge of the sink, allowing the tears to finally flow.

* * *

Jennie hastily picked out the best looking white shirt and a blue denim jacket inside her almost bare closet. She was already a couple minutes away from getting another phone call from either Jisoo and Rosé as she sprinted to the door. 

She felt her phone vibrate. _Great, right on time._

“Jisoo, Im sorry! I’m practically running okay, I’m almost there!”

_Liar_

“Chill Jen, it’s Rosé. You’re not up until just before lunch. Jisoo wanted me to let you know. She .. uh kind of went off to look for chicken sandwiches.”

“Great, tell her I’m on my way. Thank you!”

Jennie stopped in her tracks. 

“Shit!”

“Hey!”

“Oh shoot… not you Rosé, you’re practically an angel. I just forgot something.”

Rosé’s laugh felt like a salve to Jennie’s haywire nerves. “Take your time Mandu, it’s only nine in the morning -- you have two hours.”

“I gotta go…”

Jennie cut off the call before Rosé could say anything in turn. 

* * *

Jennie stared at the email, not knowing what to feel. Suddenly she remembered everything last night. 

_A lot of people said getting intoxicated was one way to get rid of unwanted feelings, a way to drown out the guilt that choked her. She nursed the bottle of vodka as she found herself in front of her laptop. She was getting dizzy and the changing wallpapers she had for her lockscreen made her giggle. She had little tolerance for anything that had alcohol in it and a quarter through the drink was already making her tipsy._

_She opened a blank draft, trying to focus on the little blinking cursor on the screen_

_Her therapist advised keeping a journal. A journal… she laughed at the thought. Telling people didn’t help, why bother with writing it down? At the end of the day they were all words -- empty words that filled empty pages. Good enough to empty her overflowing heart from the guilt and the pain and the …_

_Shit! Why was she crying?_

_She looked out of the open window and took a deep breath, she used to love looking at the moon every night before sleeping. It helped with a lot of things.. Now, looking up at it she felt nothing but a hollow pit on her chest. A void …_

**To:** [ **LalalaM@nomail.com** ](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com) _._

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**Subject:**

**Hello,**

**I don’t know if this is going to reach anyone -**

Jennie stared at the email, she really wasn’t expecting anyone to reply. She mentally cursed herself, she should’ve thought of a more weirder email address. She typed a quick reply and hoped whoever this L was would get the hint and leave her be.

**HEY :)**

**To:** [ **LalalaM@nomail.com** ](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com)

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**I’m sorry… whoever you are… I was really not expecting anyone would reply… you can delete whatever it is I sent you and forget about what happened.**

**-J**

Jennie pressed send and took her papers from the desk drawer as she took off. Failing to see a new email notification on her laptop. 

* * *

The company building was packed with people who aspired to be a part of it. Most of them spilled at the entrance, hovering, their trail of voices blended with the ding of elevators and constant shuffle of feet. 

“Jen! Over here!.” Jisoo's purple hair was visible a mile away, a smiling red head trailing after her. 

“Hey…” she was crushed in a tight hug that made her hold her breath. “Rosé… I … can’t … breathe.” 

“Sorry I just missed you.” 

_I missed you too_

Jisoo gave her a playful punch on the shoulder. “You sure took your time getting here.” Jisoo was a year older and she looked after her like a big sister, no matter how hard she tried to act like she didn’t care. 

“I got caught up with something.” 

_Another effortless lie._

Jisoo eyed her suspiciously. “Jennie, you know… you didn’t have to come back this early if you’re still not…” Rosé gave the shorter girl a discreet nudge. 

“What Jisoo-unnie meant, is that we can tell the management you’d like to extend your leave.”

“I’m fine you guys, no need to worry. Why don’t we hurry back to the studio? I need to prepare.” Jennie pulled them over to the nearest elevator. 

* * *

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/27/2017 10:34AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**I like how we’re keeping up with this anonymous facade with each other. I’ll continue being that mysterious L ;). Have you ever watched the anime though? Death note? I liked his character a lot. Never mind… Just know that my inbox is always open whenever you’re up to talking about whatever it is that’s bothering you. I won’t give you the usual “I know how it feels” crap -- promise :)**

**\- L**

Jennie looked around to see if Jisoo and Rosé were waiting on her. She’d just finished learning a new routine from one of YG’s distinguished instructors. She had this scheduled for months now, taking the opportunity while he was visiting Seoul from his European tour. It was a good thing Jisoo called her, it would’ve slipped her mind. She glanced back at her phone screen, re-reading the email. 

_Take a hint._

Jennie saw it was sent a couple of hours ago. She locked her phone and went off to look for her two friends. Jennie has a feeling she’d find them in the company pantry. 

_Vrrrrrt vrrrrt._

A new notification popped up on her phone

**Notification:**

**You’ve got (1) mail.**

[ **LalalaM@nomail.com** ](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com)

**Read now | Delete**

She pressed on “Read now”, Jennie’s curiosity getting the better of her. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/27/2017 3:56PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**I hope you’re not ignoring me. If you are -- well, that sucks cuz I’d really like to get to know you more. I’m just too cool to be marked as spam or blocked y’know? I’m still holding on to this thought that you’re busy and probably missed my reply.**

**Anyways, my curiosity’s killing me. I’ve always loved cats -- but that saying? pft... irks me, think about all the adorable cats in this world, they don’t deserve being associated with such a brutal metaphor :(. Going back … I just spent the entire day doing this interview and I just got accepted!!! Yey! How’s your day going so far?**

  * ****L****



Jennie was amused at how fast L’s thought jumped from one thought to another. Something about the email made her press reply. 

**To: LalalaM** [ **@nomail.com** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com)

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**L**

**I’m not sure why you’re keeping up with this whole email thread. Sending you that email was a mistake and I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight at that time. You don’t have to do this.**

**-J**

Jennie found Jisoo and Rosé sitting by the farthest table, already engrossed in a conversation with each other. Rosé’s plump cheeks were bobbing up and down as she munched on her caesar salad. 

“What took you so long? Your food’s gone cold.” Rosé had a pout on her face. 

Jennie laughed, setting her bag on the floor. “I wasn’t expecting the routine to be _that_ hard.”

“Well he is considered one of the best.” Jisoo said through a mouthful of food. 

Jennie’s phone vibrated on the table, another email notification.

“What’s that?”

“Uh… it’s an email notification for a canceled subscription.” She quickly took her phone away, reading the email under the table.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/27/2017 4:13PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**:’((((((**

**It’s fine I understand if you don’t feel like talking about what happened today. Tell me about something else then?**

**Mdasfds fsdaikf n**

**-L**

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/27/2017 4:19PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**Sorry!!!! My fat cat just walked on top of my laptop and accidentally sent that. I swear I’m not weird or anything.**

**Just wanted to clear that off before continuing :). Have you eaten?**

  * ****L****



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a great day! :)


	3. We Can Leave This One Blank

Lisa stared at her laptop screen, debating on whether to send another email or to just forget about it. J had clearly pointed out to leave her alone, ignoring most if not all of Lisa’s email. The last one she sent was an hour ago and she already finished a huge bag of chips, and an episode of Riverdale’s newest season. A bicolor cat was lounging by her laptop, flicking its tail left and right. 

“You know, this could all be your fault.” Lisa absentmindedly pet its head, making it purr and rub against her hand. “Why did you have to go and do that Leo?” She gave it a playful glare as it meowed in response, jumping unto her lap and nuzzling against her neck. 

“If you weren’t so cute, I would have kicked you out a long time ago…”

Her laptop dinged, taking it off sleep mode and masking Lisa with a soft bluish hue as she read a notification indicating a new email. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/27/2017 5:32PM**

**TO:** [ **LalalaM@nomail.com** ](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com)

**L**

**I seriously don’t know why you’re keeping up with this, but since you’re so persistent… Tell me, why are you doing this? I’ve already told you that that email was a mistake, never really thought I’d send it but I guess alcohol makes you do things you’ll regret in the end, eh?**

**P.S. Yes I’ve eaten -- that’s a really weird question to ask someone who you don’t know that well. Don’t you think?**

**-J**

Lisa chuckled, the email screamed “annoyed”, but she didn’t mind. That was a good sign, it means she’s feeling things -- even if it’s not the good kind of feeling, it was there nonetheless. The first email she ever received made Lisa worry, it screamed “help me”, she can’t be blamed for wanting to make sure whoever J was, was fine right? 

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**I was about ready to kick my cat out -- I still think he made you think I was weird and scared you away :D.**

**Just wanted to be friends, that's all. I can think of 3 reasons why I’m doing this off the top of my head…**

  * ****I wanna be friends, living alone in a new city can be quite lonely****


  * **I wanna be friends… you seem pretty cool**


  * **Have I mentioned I wanna be friends?**



**P.S.**

**No…I don’t think it’s weird.**

**-L**

Lisa hit send and proceeded to download the forms from the email she received from YG’s HR department. She spent an hour trying to answer questions from the company’s board during the interview. They expressed their interest in the smooth fluid way she danced and wanted to do some background check and set some expectations should she choose to accept their offer. _Of course she did._ She’d been eyeing the company ever since she’d been in uni. That was the sole purpose of why she moved to Seoul after graduation; try out for their yearly auditions. She’d flew all the way from Thailand to study dance in South Korea six years ago. Granted it was a huge step for her, being away from her family and being alone in a whole new country, but she wanted this so much. 

She made sure each question on the form was answered correctly, and went over the profile information needed by the company carefully-- ensuring she didn’t miss out on anything before attaching the filled out forms to her reply. She was excited for her first day tomorrow. 

_“We’d like to have you be a part of our ensemble,” one of the older looking members who wore a tie was going over her credentials “You don’t have that much experience, but we’re willing to overlook that -- It’s been a long time since we’ve seen someone with as much talent as you.”_

_A stern looking plump woman who sat opposite Lisa nodded in agreement. “We were very impressed when you were able to perform one of our complex choreographies, with only an hour to learn it as well.”_

_Lisa tried her best to mask the nervousness with a polite nod and smile._

_“We’re offering you a paid internship for a year. It’s an entry level position as assistant instructor, but you’ll be working with one of our seasoned instructors. He just got back from his European tour and will be staying here for a while. Once he flies back to continue with the last half of his world tour, you’ll be taking over his classes on your own. We’ll be checking in every once and a while and monitor the improvement of his students under your care. We’ll have the evaluation at the end of your one year internship and we’ll decide then if we’ll continue with your contract.” The head of the board was a harsh looking man. He had thin lips set in what seemed to be a permanent smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes. He was wearing a fisherman hat, which Lisa found odd given they were inside the building. Who wear hats inside buildings? Clearly the head of YG did._

_For a minute, she looked like a fool just sitting there with her mouth open in shock. Was she dreaming? They were offering her a paid internship! Paid! Surely she heard them wrong. The serious look on the faces of the board members told her otherwise and she could barely contain her excitement when she nodded vigorously._

_“It’s settled then, we’ll have the necessary documents sent to you. Have them filled out and sent back to us as soon as possible. Oh, and be back here tomorrow around… seven in the morning. You’ll have your first class around nine and the second around… eleven.” The plump woman smiled at her as she spoke._

_“Thank you for this opportunity.”_

_She stood up and bowed, excusing herself as the receptionist who ushered her in, accompanied her back out._

Lisa was about to turn her laptop off when she realized a new email indicator showing beside “inbox”. How long has it been there? She’d been too caught up in her thoughts she didn’t hear the email notification go off. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/27/2017 6:49PM**

**TO:** [ **LalalaM@nomail.com** ](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com)

**L**

**?????**

**You just gave me the same exact reason three times.**

**-J**

Lisa laughed out loud, Leo leapt away at her sudden outburst. Eyeing her weirdly before dashing towards the direction of her apartment kitchen -- his favorite place.

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**You’re a very serious person aren’t you? :), it’s cute.**

**Okay… let me start over then**

  * ****I wanna be friends****


  * **I’d like to get to know you more**


  * **\-- we can leave this one blank… I’ll fill it out someday.**



**Is this list better? :)**

**-L**

The reply was instant,

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/27/2017 7:22PM**

**TO:** [ **LalalaM@nomail.com** ](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com)

**L**

**Hmmmm. I guess so, this one’s more believable.**

**I can’t help but wonder if you’re a kid, but you mentioned you just got accepted and your first email sounded so mature so I’m guessing college student?**

**Anyways -- I’m off to bed…**

**-J**

Lisa wrote and rewrote her reply, carefully choosing her next words.

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**Close enough? I just graduated -- last year to be exact. The interview I had was for a company I really, really liked. I get excited easily I guess? -- and it happens a lot. I’ll be starting work soon so I’ll hit the sack as well :). How about you? Are you a student… or a -- I don’t know what term to use, I’m sure you know what I mean though, I hope..**

**Anyways, good night J. Sending you virtual hugs. Oh and Leo says hi!**

**P.S.**

**Leo’s my cat in case you’re wondering…**

**-L**

* * *

Lisa was in awe from how big the studios were inside the building. Chuckling at how she mistakenly entered a studio that was working on a group routine and had to be accompanied by a member to the right room. She was met with a smiling Kwon Soonyoung, who was better known by his stage name “Hoshi”, who she would be working with for the next couple of weeks. He had asked her to sit by together with his 9am class and watch the routine, allowing her to learn the moves. He wanted her to take over the 11am class as he excused himself for an emergency meeting with the board. 

Lisa changed into a cropped white hoodie and sweat pants, keeping her brown hair in place with a white cap. Hoshi has mentioned she’d only have three students come in for this class and to pay close attention to …she drummed her fingers on the table, trying to recall the name. _She swore she had it at the tip of her tongue..._ she had a hard time remembering names without having seen their faces first. Picking up the papers, she tried to skim at the names, trying to remember….

_Kim Jennie…_

Yes! She remembered, Hoshi has made her promise to focus on this Jennie, since she’d been away for a while. Needing extra time after class to try and catch up. 

Muffled voices made her look at the door as three beautiful women came in -- all carrying duffel bags. 

“Hi!” Lisa greeted with a huge grin. 

They looked at each other before eyeing Lisa with a confused look.

“Uh hey?” the shortest one in the group was the first one to acknowledge her. She had purple hair, and an oversized Metallica t-shirt over shorts. 

“Are you new here? We weren’t expecting anyone to join the class this late.” The cute redhead in an adidas crop top and track pants was smiling at her. 

“I … uh, no.” Lisa stuttered as she caught the third member looking at her fiercely. 

“Are you in the wrong room or something?” She had catlike eyes that could cut steel with how sharply she looked at her. She looked intimidating, and beautiful at the same time. She had a white crop top and tattered shorts.

“Am I new? Yes. Am I joining the class late? Uh… sort of? Am I in the wrong room? Hell no.” Lisa practically blurted out her answers, trying hard not to make a fool of herself. 

“Jisoo-unnie, Jennie … be nice for once. I’m Park Chaeyoung -- you can call me Rosé, this one here is Kim Jisoo, you can call her..”

“Jisoo -- just Jisoo.” The purple haired girl smiled. 

“And this is… Kim Jennie.” 

“Jen or Jennie’s fine.”

_interesting .. so this was Kim Jennie…_

They were all looking at her expectantly, “Oh sh*t, I’m uh… Lisa… Lisa Manoban. I’m Hoshi’s assistant. He won’t be here for your class so I’m taking over today.”

Rosé’s eyes widened at the realization. “Omo, we’re sorry. We thought you were a new addition to the class, we weren’t informed..”

“It’s fine.” Lisa smiled, she looked pretty sweet. Among the three Rosé was the only one who seemed nice at first. “It was sort of last minute. You should all go prepare yourselves. I’ll have the music ready 

They set their bags down and proceeded to stretch and warm up. Lisa took her phone out to look for the music file they’ll be dancing to and to connect to the room’s sound system. A new email was calling out to her. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/28/2017 8:52AM**

**TO:** [ **LalalaM@nomail.com** ](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com)

**L**

**Morning…**

**I’m seriously questioning myself as to why Im doing this right now.**

**I think I know what you mean. I recently graduated as well… I’m taking extra classes at the moment. A lot of people think I need to make myself busy… so yeah....**

**-J**

“Ready?” Lisa jumped in surprise, instinctively locking her phone when she felt someone behind her.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to scare you like that.” Jisoo was smiling, Lisa could see mischief written all over her eyes.

“yeah, “ Lisa played the remix and smiled. 

This was where she felt more at ease and sure of herself as she danced away to the music, eyeing each member and taking note of every subtle mistake and dance move that needed polishing. There was one thing that was pulling her attention though, making her smile...

_Jennie dancing with her eyes closed, lost in her own little world as she moved along to the song's beats_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will be doing alternate POV's per chapter :). Thank you for reading <3


	4. It's Not a Race

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see a glimpse of what's bothering Jennie, just a glimpse though. She'll tell us all once she's ready :).

_Jennie found herself staring at herself in the mirror, dark brown eyes staring back. Mocking her, taunting her, blaming her. She turned away to find everything in her apartment had shifted. Heard her silky laugh amidst the rain that drummed on her windows, the constant patter of rain that drowned out everything. Everything -- but her laugh. Her laugh that cut through her sadness like knife through butter, her laugh that called out to her…_

_She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t move. She stood there motionless, beside the goddamn road, drenched in the goddamn rain. Forced to relive everything, as the events played out to her in slow motion._

_The impact between metal and flesh was sickeningly audible even through the rain and constant whoosh from the wipers. Jennie closed her eyes, felt the hot tears before she realized she was crying, her nails biting into the tender flesh of her palms. Shaking uncontrollably, she knew she’d been screaming, again and again until her voice cracked, felt strong hands pull her away from the mess of metal and the stench of death in the air mixing with the smoke and burning gas, choking her._

_She cried out again and again, thrashing against strong hands that held to her…_

_For one last time before the darkness took over, she cried out her name in the rain…_

Jennie woke up with a start, her heartbeat erratic and pounding against her chest as she blindly gripped the sheets trying to calm herself. Her shirt drenched in sweat clinging to her body as she breathed in and out as deeply as she could. Willing the memories away, shaking away the same haunting nightmare that came creeping up whenever she was one step closer to being better, pulling her two steps back into the same darkness she drowned into. 

The clock on her bedside table blinked 2:49AM, it’s soft green hue masking her bed with an otherworldly green as she fished for her phone beside her pillow. 

**2:50 AM**

**Hey?**

**Sent**

She sent the text to both Jisoo and Rosé, she knew they were both asleep and would unlikely to respond until the morning. She locked her phone and threw it by the foot of the bed, feeling guilty at dragging her two closest friends into the same old sh*t. _It’s been what? A year and a half?_ And yet, nights like these made her think it happened only yesterday. Jennie buried her face into the pillows, no longer caring if she’d cry herself dry. She gave herself the freedom to give in to the urge.

She hiccuped for the nth time as her tears fell. Wanting to fall back to sleep. Her laptop dinged, pulling her from her little pillow cave. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/29/2017 3:09AM**

**TO:** [ **MRJK@nomail.com** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com)

**J,**

**Hey, remember when I said hoping and wishing weren’t my thing? I sort of lied :(. I’m… kind of hoping you’re not mad at me for taking a loooong time to get back to you. Work was -- let’s just say … work tied me up and I just finished working on a new lesson for tomorrow. I'm glad the instructor they made me work with was very generous when it comes to letting me experience all this fun in teaching.**

**How did your day go? Leo made it his life mission to bite me in the face when I got back. His own way of saying thank you for letting him starve. Istg he’s fat and needs to lose some of that weight -- I’m not a bad owner or anything of that sort. Anyways… I’m already rambling here.**

**P.S. I know you’ll probably read this in the morning but -- good night and sweet dreams. :)**

**-L**

Jennie giggled, the laugh coming out as something between a choke and a hiccup as she wiped her tears away. She was like that when this happened -- it was either she was sad or happy, no in betweens. It felt like she had a switch that flicked inside her. Crying her eyes out one minute then laughing at the smallest details the next. 

**To: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**L,**

**Have you ever had a dream so real you were confused when you woke up? The kind that burrows deep into your heart, taking root and refusing to leave?**

**I just had one tonight… Actually, to be quite frank it’s the same dream over and over again. It comes at times where I find myself finally walking away from everything, only to be held up in the same place. I can’t move forward L, it sucks. I don’t know why I’m telling you this now, nor do I know why it’s “you” I’m telling this to. My friends are all asleep and it’s eating me inside out… I can’t talk to anyone but you. You who just told me about how your cat just attacked you for starving him which I think he’s very much allowed to… has every right to….**

**-J**

Her fingers flitted over the keyboard, not really wanting to put much thought into the reply. She wanted the raw emotions out and for most of the time just not think about it. She stared at her inbox blankly, a part of her wanting L to reply and another one kicking herself over and over for sounding so vulnerable to someone who was practically a stranger. The notification pulled her from her thoughts. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/29/2017 3:49AM**

**TO:** [ **MRJK@nomail.com** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com)

**J,**

**How do I answer this? I’ve never had anything like that -- my dreams usually consists of me eating something or it would just be plain pitch black. The kind of black that makes you think you’ve had just a minute’s sleep but the kind that doesn’t make you feel sleepy? I don’t know I'm not good at describing stuff.**

**My heart bleeds with you… :(. I read somewhere about dreams being repressed memories or our subconscious telling us something that we ought to acknowledge or listen to… I’m not sure if that’s the case for you, it could be entirely something else. I have a feeling you’re not the type to open up easily so it must have been one of those bad episodes that shakes you to the core for you to find yourself telling me all this at 3am in the morning. I guess the anonymity helps? Whatever reasons you may have, just remember I’ll be here for you. Even if you still consider me a stranger. An anonymous question mark hiding behind the letter “L”. My inbox is open anytime -- and I already mentioned it before I don’t give out the usual “I know how it feels” crap. Too overrated huh?**

**P.S.**

**Even if he had all the reason to, it still hurt like hell :(.**

**-L**

Jennie re read the email for the third time, carefully engraving each word into memory. For someone who acts so childish in most of her emails L had so much wisdom in her it made Jennie smile. A brief smile that ghosted her lips before she hit reply. 

**To: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**L,**

**I never expected something so profound to come from someone like you. Don’t hold your breath though, I’m at a moment of weakness so I tend to get sappy and sensitive. It’s a one shot thing so don’t expect anything similar tomorrow -- if I even decide to continue with this whole stint tomorrow.**

**But.. thank you, it’s been a while since someone just listened - in this case read through whatever bullshit I had to say and not tell me I’ll be fine. I don’t expect to be fine for a long time from now L, I don’t think I’ll ever be fine… not until my soul comes to accept what happened.**

**P.S. You should go to sleep…**

Jennie sat there for a couple of minutes more, silently waiting for a reply. It’s already 4am and she knew whoever L was, probably had an early class tomorrow.

_Selfish…_

**You’ve got mail.**

[ **LalalaM@nomail.com** ](mailto:LalalaM@nomail.com)

**4:06AM**

**Read Now | Delete**

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/29/2017 4:06AM**

**TO:** [ **MRJK@nomail.com** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com)

**J,**

**Ah, I like this side of you -- maybe because you’re finally holding a conversation with me :). It’s okay, I understand how some people can be in the mood to talk and then not in the mood to talk. I pray, wish and hope you’d continue with this though (see what I did there?)**

**I don’t know whatever it is that happened to you before to make you think of things that way, I'm not the type to pry nor the type to force you into thinking you should get rid of these negative feelings. Buuuuutttt. I am the** **_type_ ** **to urge people to feel things J, even if it’s not the type of emotions you were hoping for. Feeling can be great -- feeling can be liberating, don't you think? You cry and a huge weight falls off your chest and shoulders. You laugh and you’re floating through the air, you get mad, you kick things and suddenly the tension in your body is gone. It’s like that with you -- just** **_feel …_ ** **it’s never wrong to let it all out. Don’t worry about what people think, what matters is you go through this at your own pace. It’s not a race y’know? Eventually you’ll find yourself you've already reached the finish line.**

**P.S. I should say good morning now, but goodnight has that certain effect on people ;). Good night J,**

**-L**

Jennie closed her laptop, she knew L wasn’t expecting a reply. Not that she didn’t want to it’s just she knew L would understand if she knew Jennie was back on her bed, sleep slowly taking over as she hugged her pillow, stray tears escaping. 

* * *

_Lisa smiled to herself as she turned her laptop off, she already had a lot of things planned out for J._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short update. I'll make it up on chapter 5. 
> 
> Listen to "palace" by Hayley Kiyoko - It made me feel too many emotions :(.
> 
> have a great day!


	5. Lalisa Manoban Doesn't Back Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I was gone for a loooong time. T-T forgive me?

* * *

Lisa stares, stares out into the packed street, cell phone in hand, upset. She hates this, just when she thought they were making progress, life just goes and fucks it all up. She doesn’t care though, life could go and hit her with an incoming speeding bullet train for all it wants -- she’s not giving up. Not when  _ she’s  _ making progress. 

She takes a quick look at the email again, staring at her like a monster, claws and fangs out. Lisa could feel the sadness clawing into her heart burrowing deep into her chest.

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 7:55AM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Hello,**

**I'm sorry about last night, didn't mean to drag you into my shitty problems.**

**Can we stop with this email thing? Please?**

**-J**

Lisa shuts her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose, fighting off a headache.  _ God, why are you like this.  _ She knows she'll be running late but she doesn’t care. Telling Hoshi she wasn't feeling too well was enough of an explanation anyway. She sits on the empty park bench and contemplates. Lisa looks at the falling leaves, crunching beneath the feet of passers-by as they move through their usual daily cycle, too absorbed into their own little world. Lisa sat there, allowing herself to feel through the feeling of disappointment washing over her. Maybe … if she wasn't so annoying, maybe if she tried harder, maybes and what ifs. She thinks through everything and knows replying that night was the best decision she made. She knows, Lalisa Manoban doesn’t back down, not when she knows J’s life was all gray, and how she longs to introduce color back into J's life. She takes another look at the email and hits reply.

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

Lisa stares at the blank email, at the little blinking cursor for a brief moment before continuing

**I’m sorry. I’ll stop but ple--**

She takes a deep breath and stops,  _ no… not like this.  _ Deleting what she typed and starting all over again. 

**The sky looks prettiest at dawn, don’t you think? Who could’ve thought splashes of red, purple, pink, and blue after stark black could look so breathtaking? So … so beautiful?**

**That’s what I always thought. Believed. Have known. Dawn is beautiful... the dusk? Not so.**

**What was so special about watching pretty colors painted into the sky meld into pitch black? How everything so full of life be pulled into such deep darkness, masking everything and anything in a grayish hue -- make everything that looked so bright, so dim?**

**I never realized how beautiful it was compared to dawn until…**

**Until I got to talk to you (email?)**

**Crazy right? But it's the truth nonetheless (I hate lying)**

**I realized, the dusk is as beautiful as the dawn.**

**Red, orange and yellow -- smudged to mix with midnight blue and purple … finally changing to a dark gray.**

**All beautiful.**

**It’s that brief moment of realization. That the darkness gives birth to light, to sunshine. It's when we realize how pretty darkness can be. How dusk gives way to dawn. Night to day. Sadness to happiness.**

**J… it may be dark now but … someday, everything will be all sunshine again.**

**If you still want all of this to stop, then I understand. As I said, I’m not the type of person to force people into doing something they obviously don’t want. I don’t work like that.** **_But_ ** **and I mean it. No bullshit intended here. I’m not the type of person that just gives up easily. Not when I know this is helping you. (God, I hope I'm not assuming, that would be such an asshole move)**

  * ****L****



Lisa doesn’t think twice and hits send. Brushing off fallen leaves off of her duffel bag and heading straight to the one place she knows she needs to be.

* * *

Lisa smiled at the thought as she exited the shop. If there’s one thing that helped calm her down when she was upset, this was it. Weaving through the packed streets, holding onto her duffel bag she looked at her phone, silently hoping for an email notification. 

**You’ve got mail.**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**8:26AM**

**Read Now | Delete**

She almost dropped her phone as she bumped into the person in front of her. 

“Sorry.” 

Lisa was looking into the fierce brown eyes of one Jennie Kim. Lisa backed away slowly, she could feel Jennie’s animosity at such a close proximity, hell she thinks she’d feel it a mile away. 

“Jennie, I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” Lisa wanted to kick herself in the ass, what a pathetic thing to say.

“You weren’t expecting to see me in the street?” Lisa could see how hard Jennie tried to hide the smirk that was trying to break free. 

“Uh no… What I meant was…”

“Jennie giving you a hard time?” Jisoo’s husky voice made Jennie turn, allowing lisa to breathe. 

_ God, this girl was intense.  _

“No, I… uh… I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking.”

“It’s fine, you really shouldn’t focus on your phone while walking.” She gave Lisa a weird look, Lisa prided herself in being able to read emotions. Right now she couldn’t tell what that look meant, somehow it was as if Jennie was about to cry. “It’s dangerous.” She walked away with Jisoo in tow who looked back and mouthed a silent sorry. 

Lisa turned her attention back to her phone, stopping momentarily to open the email. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 9:06AM**

**????????**

**I don’t get you.**

**-J**

Lisa had to stop herself from laughing, especially with all the people around her. She shook her head in amusement and sent another reply. 

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**You don’t have to.**

**Just let me be there when you need somebody.**

**P.s.**

**Are you free this afternoon?**

**-L**

Tucking her phone back into her back pocket, she sprinted towards the direction of work. 

_ She’s going to be screwed, 2nd day at work and she was already late.  _

* * *

Lisa looked over at the ticking clock and the three women who were breathless in front of her. Rose was leaning against the mirror, with a flustered Jisoo by her feet resting her head on her hands, and Jennie with closed eyes sitting far away from everybody. 

“Up for another round?” she chuckled at the collective groans 

“But we just finished.” Rose plopping beside Jisoo with an annoyed look 

“Give us a break would you” Jisoo was glaring at her. 

“Hey, Hoshi’s orders. You guys need to perfect this choreo. We have what? A week before your monthly evaluations. Hoshi will kill me if you guys don’t get an A’.” Lisa worked on the stereo, preparing the song on loop. 

“Maybe tell Hoshi to give us easier choreo next time.” Jennie was on her feet, wiping away sweat off of her forehead. 

Lisa looked at her with a beaming smile. She had to admit Jennie looked cute when she was mad.  _ Not that it meant anything.  _

“I’ll take note of that, but hey, the only thing that’ll get you on top is the best.  _ And the best ones are always the hardest.  _ Five minutes and we’ll start from the top.”

This time she laughed at the simultaneous mumbling from the three. 

Lisa turned up the volume and stretched, sneaking a quick glance at her bag. 

_ Tempting ...but now was work.  _

“Time’s up! C’mon let’s get those lazy asses into formation.”

Lisa gets lost into her own little world when she danced, swaying along with the slightest nuance in the music, making sure every step, every sway, every move she made was in tune. She looked at each one through the mirror. Taking note to spend a little more time with Jisoo’s footwork. Rose was a fast learner and needed little help, Lisa knew a couple words of encouragement would be just right to get her out of her shell, and Jennie? 

_ Breathtaking _ . 

Lisa almost stumbled. Quick to make up for the discrete fumble with adlib. All three were so focused they barely noticed her little slip-up, making her breath a sigh of relief. 

_ Where did that come from? _

Lisa couldn’t deny the fact that Jennie was a good dancer, picking up on all the subtle changes in the choreo, learning it and somehow finding a way to make it her own. Her brown feline eyes looked two shades darker, a look of determination and concentration every time the music started, and Lisa liked that. What she doesn’t? Jennie was dancing because she needed to, not because she wanted to. If Jennie needs anything at all, it was passion. 

Before even realizing it the music stopped, preparing to play again -- giving them a minute.

“We’ll stop there.” 

“Finally…” Jisoo was breathing heavily.

“You all did a good job, we can continue tomorrow. Oh and Jisoo? Just a bit more practice with the footwork, Rose you’re doing good keep it up and Jennie? Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Rose gave Jennie a concerned look, making Jisoo reach out to squeeze her hand as Jennie nodded. 

“It isn’t something serious. You two look like I’m failing Jennie or something.” 

“Yeah? Well you made it sound so serious.” Jisoo went over to take her bag and slung over her shoulder “Jennie we’ll wait by the pantry. Want something? We’ll order ahead.”

“No, I'm good thanks.” 

Lisa looked on with amusement as Jisoo and Rose head out leaving Jennie behind. She was already packing her things back into her backpack when Lisa approached. 

“Look... about earlier.”

“It’s fine, it was an accident and all. Nothing to be sorry about.” 

Lisa fumbled with the bottle cap, unscrewing it and screwing it back tightly. 

“Uh okay then… can I talk to you about something else?” 

Lisa could see the way her shoulders slumped as she nodded, her back still turned. 

“Yeah sure, what about?”

“Hoshi said to focus on you specifically -- not that you’re bad and all. You’re actually great, I don’t see anything wrong with how you pick up the steps and your footwork looks flawless…”

“You’re rambling.”

Lisa could feel her cheeks warming.  _ Great…  _

“Sorry, what I wanted to say was that he told me you were gone for a long time and that you needed extra attention because of it.”

“I don’t need -” the anger in Jennie’s voice made Lisa wince. 

“Let me finish… I was gonna add you don’t really need it anymore. You’re doing good, so stop overthinking things when your dancing. Let it be a release instead of some duty you need to be done with. That’s the only thing you need to work on. Technically you’re doing a good job -- great even perfect. Just. Feel. okay?” Lisa answered back with a lowered voice. She was finding out how explosive this little woman could get. 

Jennie turned to face her, mixed emotions on her face. Annoyance? Check. Anger? Oh double check. Exasperation? Definitely there. But what took Lisa off guard was the sadness beneath it all, hidden behind all the other emotions. If she didn’t look too closely, Lisa would’ve missed it altogether. 

“I signed up for a dance class in a dance company. Not for a life lesson from an assistant instructor. I get the choreo right, you get your job done. Stop with the preaching.” 

Jennie stormed out, slamming the door with as much intensity as a tornado gone awry. 

_ Damn. Manoban… what is it with you today? Upsetting everyone you talk to?  _

Lisa slumped into an empty chair at the back, running her hands through her hair. She'd have to apologize tomorrow, and she was already dreading what the shorter girls reaction would be.

She took her bag and fished for her phone, two emails waiting for her. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 12:34PM**

**I'm busy. I don't plan on meeting you in person anyways.**

**-J**

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 1:56PM**

**Scratch that last reply. I need the distraction.**

**What do you have in mind?**

**-J**

It took Lisa a couple of minutes to think things through. Praying that whatever she planned wouldn't drive J away. 

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**I dont know if I’m a genius, or if I’m stupid or a wierd combination of both.**

**Are you close by 52nd street?**

**I planned this out of impulse when I don’t even know if you live close by.**

**I know the answer… I’m stupid.**

**Forgive me?**

  * ****L****



Lisa wasn’t expecting a reply this fast. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 2:08PM**

**Tough luck. I’m close.**

**So maybe you’re not as stupid as you thought you were.**

**-J**

Lisa was thankful she was alone, she sounded like a madwoman laughing all by herself. 

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**Yay! You sound so grumpy, i know i should be scared or something but you made me laugh. (not that you needed to know, i just wanted to share)**

**On and I promise I won't meet you in person -- not now anyways.**

**Can you drop by Maeng’s? It’s a little shop sandwiched between cafe’s on that street. You won’t miss it though. Just look for the window filled with rainbows and unicorns. Go up to the clerk and tell her you’re J. She knows what to do.**

  * ****L****



Lisa took her bag and locked the dance room. Walking slower than usual, hands on her pocket. Anticipating the beep and the gentle vibrate. 

**You’ve got mail.**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**2:29PM**

**Read Now | Delete**

If her heart had legs and arms, she’s sure it would have danced away to the crazy beat it was making in her chest. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 2:29PM**

**This smells fishy.**

**How can I be so sure you’re not following me? Or better yet… how can I be sure you’re not the clerk or hiding around that shop …**

**-J**

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**Granted -- you have a point.**

**But…**

  * ****I’m not an old lady in my 50’s -- like hello? Can’t you tell?****


  * **I'M NOT A STALKER - I’m too pretty to be considered one**


  * **That’s just wrong**


  * **Trust me?**


  * **L**



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will try and update twice a week from hereon.
> 
> My laptop with all the Jenlisa drafts for Fix you and Edelweiss is busted sooooo...  
> This turned out quite well for me (still liked the one I had written back)  
> Let me know what you guys think. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and enjoy the rest of the week  
> alsoooo vote for the girls in the VMA's


	6. Green, Three-Eyed, Smiling

Jennie has passed by the shop for the fourth time. Each time she did, made her hold her breath, made her discreetly look into the shop’s window hoping to find something, anything that might give her the reason to bolt and forget about this. But each time she does, she relaxes. Bit by bit. Not much at first, but getting there the third time she walked by. If the clerk wasn’t too engrossed with the fashion magazine in her hands, she would’ve called the police on her.  _ Who does that anyway?  _ Jennie feels like a stalker and gives up on the fifth try. 

She takes a deep breath and enters the shop, the little bell by the door indicating her presence. It does little to sway the attention of woman from the magazine. 

She glances over to the email again, re-reading the instructions.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 2:12PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Yay! You sound so grumpy, i know i should be scared or something but you made me laugh. (not that you needed to know, i just wanted to share)**

**On and I promise I won't meet you in person -- not now anyways.**

**Can you drop by Maeng’s? It’s a little shop sandwiched between cafe’s on that street. You won’t miss it though. Just look for the window filled with rainbows and unicorns. Go up to the clerk and tell her you’re J. She knows what to do.**

**L**

“Uh... hi?”

The woman looks up and stares at her. Jennie knows she looks intimidating, she hated it before but she’s thankful it always came in handy. Especially now. 

“You going to spend the whole day reading that thing?” Jennie inwardly winces. She tries hard to be nice, She really does, but lately it’s becoming more like instinct instead of a habit. 

“Don’t be such a smart ass kid. As you can see it’s a slow day.” The clerk gives her a dead stare, Jennie can only imagine how years of working behind the counter has given her such a thick skin to deal with customers like her. “What do you want?”

“Someone asked me to come here and tell you I’m J.” 

She stops and prepares for the worst. It wasn’t everyday someone asks her to go to a random ass store to “pick” something up. Who knows that might’ve been code for something illegal. If she wasn’t so pissed off by Lisa she’d rather be at home than stand like an idiot in front of a clerk who clearly hated her job. 

“Oh! You’re J? You’re really pretty.” 

Jennie stood there frozen,  _ okay… she wasn’t expecting this,  _

“You just stay there and let me get it for you honey.”

_ Oh? So she was ‘honey’ now, and not ‘kid’ … interesting.  _

The woman went into the back room leaving Jennie to herself and the silence that made the shop a little too suffocating for her taste. She glanced around and saw it was a toy shop, dolls of all shapes and sizes adorned a huge shelf beside the counter, an old rocking horse in the center which Jennie doubts was being sold, it looked like it would crumble the moment you touched it, and countless other knick-knacks any kid aged ten below would have squealed over. 

_ I thought I made it clear I wasn’t a kid.  _

“Here you go honey, Sorry for the wait. We’re not getting any younger and years of standing on heels everyday is taking its toll on me. Anyway she made me promise not to tell you what it is, and to make you promise not to open it until you got home and… wait, I clearly remember keeping a list. She talked so fast … that gal.” She shuffled around until she picked up a small notepad by the register “Oh here it is, where was I? Ah yes.. Also to promise not to tell her how you looked. Huh… that’s weird, have you both not met each other yet? Anyways it’s none of my business but yes, also not to make me tell you her name.”

Jennie wanted to cringe,  _ talk about information overload.  _

“Uhh, sure.” what was she supposed to answer anyways?

Jennie took the brown paper bag in hand and stood there staring at the clerk.  _ Should she pay or what?  _

“It’s all paid for, now skoot! I have an article to read.” She gave jennie a wide grin, one Jennie knew she would not be able to give back, she nods anyways to acknowledge the clerk in some way. 

She walks out of the store, not really knowing what to do next. 

_ So much for killing time, right? _

Soft vibration from her back pocket made her stop. Looking through the notification, it was an email. 

_ What perfect timing? Too perfect to be coincidence.  _

Jennie looked around, looking for anyone that looked out of the ordinary, The street however was empty, save for couples who were having coffee dates by the cafe’s. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 4:55APM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Hey. You’re not pissed at me are you?**

**Just checking to see if you got it?**

**L**

Jennie pocketed her phone and went to the nearest cafe on the right. Ordering the first thing she saw on the menu and seating herself in an empty booth as far away from the only other couple inside. 

**To: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**L,**

**Hey to you too.**

**What sort of prank are you pulling?**

**J**

Jennie took a sip from the ice matcha latte she ordered. She had the paper bag on her lap, it was big but surprisingly very light. Her fingers played with the fringed paper. She hated to admit it but knew she couldn’t fight the urge to smile at the design; unicorns. Really? She loved unicorns as a kid. She closed her eyes to relish the brief calmness she had from the memory. 

_ “Unicorns Jennie? Really?” she had the brightest smile, Jennie kept telling her that but she knew she’d laugh and brush it off like she usually does. Why won’t she let herself be happy?  _

_ Jennie looks at her and smiles back, her brown hair was sprawled out on Jennie’s bed mixing with her own.  _

_ “What’s wrong with loving unicorns?”  _

_ Her laugh filled her room, driving away the sadness and the fear that took hold of her whenever she was alone. With her, Jennie found she wasn’t as afraid, wasn’t as sad and never lonely. Jennie felt her warmth as she inched closer, arms wrapped around her. She could feel her breath on her ear, making Jennie flush. _

_ “Nothing. There’s nothing wrong. I just thought you’d choose me over some silly old non existent horse.”  _

Jennie jumped in her seat when her phone vibrated, pulling her away from the little bubble she was in. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/30/2017 5:35APM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Why do I feel like you’re thinking that I’m spying on you or something?**

**You have a real talent for putting emotions into words, do you know that? I read your email and I find this little made up voice in my head. It’s as if I can hear your grumpy voice… (I don't know what you sound like but you get the point. I hope?)**

**Anyways, have you opened the package? You don’t have to wait to be back home if you want to. I really don’t mind. I just didn’t want Maeng to bombard you with all sorts of questions. She can be quite a handful sometimes. Don’t tell her I told you that either.**

**Oh and Leo says Hi! :)**

**L**

Jennie locked her phone, keeping it as far away from her as possible. Sometimes she wishes she hadn’t sent that email. A small part of her was happy she did. Why can’t she be firm for once? Push and pull. Yes and No. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Jennie groans, it was always like that. 

Out of frustration she tore through the pink paper bag, not really caring about the mess it made on the cafe floor.  _ Not her problem... _ She was pinked and breathing hard the moment she was done. 

Slumping in her seat, she hadn’t realized she was shaking, shaking and sobbing, laughing at how she always finds herself in situations like these. 

Green, three-eyed, smiling.

Cute.

Plushy. 

Jennie laughs and hugs it tight. It was the little green three eyed alien from Toy Story. She knows, because she loves that movie. She buries her head into the soft plushy, allowing the stuffed toy to capture every single tear that broke free.

_ Damn you L. Damn you and your thoughtfulness.  _

She wipes away the stray tears and tried to even her breathing, trying to compose herself. 

Out of the corner of her eye she sees a note, probably slipped right through when she was in a paper tearing frenzy, slightly amused it survived her tirade. 

**J,**

**Soooo.**

**Now you get to see my handwriting, no fair. I thought of printing a note instead but typed notes are boring. For me anyways, whenever Im upset I shop and honestly? Your morning email upset me so much I went on a window shopping spree (I’m broke asf now, still waiting for the first paycheck and all) Okay rambling aside… I couldn’t help getting you this.**

**I’m not sure if you were the type of person who detests receiving gifts but I got you one anyways cuz you know? I’m cool like that (kidding… I know you’re probably thinking -- “ANNOYING”) *whispers* I’m a really decent person in real life. Swear to god, girl scout oath and etc.**

**This is the little alien in Toy Story (why am I even telling you this, everyone knows Toy Story), but still. There’s no deep meaning behind why I chose him. It’s just … He was sitting all alone at the very back, top shelf, right corner :D. And I guess he needed someone to keep him company, god knows how long he’s spent there all by himself. In a way he did remind me of you. So impulsive, pretty, sexy ole me bought him and thought why not surprise you too? Im such a genius (I’ll probably take this statement back someday but… I’ll revel in it for now)**

**You can both keep each other company.**

**P.S. If you ever decide to throw it away, please don’t he’s been through too much alone. I’d rather you give him to the first kid you pass by :). I’d understand if you do.**

**L**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so maybe I finished this earlier than expected?  
> sorry it's a bit short. I saw a video loop of Jenlisa with the alien plushie from one of their older vlives which made me want to add the little fella.  
> Anyways hope you guys like it. Let me know if you do :)
> 
> We don't get much email interaction but hey atleast Lisa wrote a handwritten one.


	7. Anything Healthy

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/31/2017 9:58AM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Thank you.**

**J**

Lisa wasn’t surprised at the length nor the content of the email. She knew at the back of her mind, J wasn’t much of a talker. She realized brevity can be so… what’s the word she’s looking for? Disappointing? Frustrating? J kept her on her toes, made her nervous but the good kind, not the type that’ll make you shit your pants in anticipation. It was more like… more like a tickling feeling in the chest. 

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**Ahhh my favorite poet speaks :)**

**Such profound meaning.**

**You’re welcome J. I hope he wasn’t such an ass at being a companion. Wouldn’t want to give you a bad impression, especially when we haven’t met personally yet.**

**L**

Lisa continued eating breakfast, putting her cellphone away. She liked it best when she was alone, it made her think well. Lisa loved being with people, she gravitated towards crowds but sometimes she loves taking a break from all of it and preferred herself as company. Lisa knew that this would be the best time the company pantry was empty and she’d be stupid not to take the opportunity. 

She took another bite off of her sandwich when her phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Lisa, it’s Hoshi.”

“Hey! Wait am I in trouble?” 

Lisa took a quick glance at her wristwatch. _Was it out of batteries?_ She was pretty sure she was supposed to be on break right now. 

“No…” His laughter rang out, making Lisa breathe a sigh of relief. “But you will be if…”

“If what?”

“I have a favor to ask. Jennie called and asked if she could be transferred to another timeslot. I’m swamped as it is for the whole month. Can you convince her to stay with the current schedule? I wouldn’t want you staying long past your scheduled classes just to cater a one person dance class when she could take one with her friends. I don’t really understand why she’d want to.” 

Lisa froze, 

_Oh god… this was all her fault_

“Lisa?”

“Uh, yeah sure. I’ll take care of it.” She cringed, hoping Hoshi didn’t hear her voice cracking. 

“Thank you! Thank you! Remind me to place in a good word for you during your evaluation. I’ll be sure to let sajang-nim know how much of a Godsend you are.”

_Can you tell Jennie that too?_

Lisa barely had time to answer when she heard the line go dead. 

_Lisa… Lisa… . Lisa… You’re screwed._

She threw her phone back into her bag and buried her face in her hands. Groaning and dreading the incoming confrontation. Lisa could already see where this was going. 

“Hey Lisa.”

She looked up in time to see Jisoo smile.

“Jisoo, you’re early… class doesn’t start till eleven?”

“Ouch, can’t I come in early to work on the choreo? You said it yourself I need work on my footwork.” She gave Lisa a smirk.

_Great… she should really try keeping her mouth shut. She’s been saying the wrong things lately._

“I’m kidding, Jesus… You looked like someone ate your favorite food without your permission. I always come in early, they make freshly made fried chicken around this time. Saves me the hassle to cook my own food.” 

Lisa looked at her dumbfounded. 

“Anyways… I’ll leave you alone and see you in class I guess?”

“Wait! Can I talk to you for a sec?” Lisa held out her hand. 

“Uhhh sure? This isn’t about my dancing skills right? Or is it?”

Lisa couldn’t help herself from frowning, too drowned in her own thoughts. 

“Lisaaaaaaa”

“Oh shoot sorry. Uhm no, it’s about another thing entirely. You can relax.”

Jisoo took the empty seat in front of her and grinned. She leaned closer, if anyone saw them right now they’d think they were planning on something sinister. 

“What’s wrong Lisa? You seemed so out of it today.”

“I’m fine, I just had something in mind a while ago.”

“Uhuh… you could do better at the convincing department, anyways, what do you want to talk about?” 

“I might have… just a tiny bit… hopefully… I really wasn’t meaning to… it just sort of happened…”

“Lisa, spill. I don’t have all day. My fried chicken’s waiting for me.” Laughing at Lisa’s awkwardness.

“Okay… okay… IthinkJennie’smadatmeandIneedyourhelp.”

“Woah woah… slowly please.”

Lisa took a deep breath, playing with the edges of her bangs and avoiding Jisoo’s stare. 

“I think Jennie’s mad at me and I need your help.” 

_There, she said it._

“You did huh?”

Lisa nodded. 

“Well… we kind of figured. Jennie didn’t look too pleased when she went to us after you had your little ‘talk’” 

“I know… I only wanted to… wait what do you mean ‘we’?”

“Me and Rosie … but enough about that.. What did you do wrong?”

“I …. Look, I don’t think what I told her matters. I just want to know how to approach her when she’s mad or upset.”

“Knowing what you did wrong _does matter_ Lisa.”

“It’s just I might have said the wrong things and… don’t make me elaborate please?”

_God, it sounded like she was asking for advice over a little lovers quarrel between her and her lover._

“Fine, I can tell you one thing. Jennie can get a little too … what’s the best way to put this? She wasn’t so volatile like this before… She’s going through something lately and she gets annoyed and mad over such little things nowadays. I wouldn’t worry too much about it if I were you, she usually gets over it after a day.”

“But she called Hoshi if she could move to another time slot.” Lisa answered back, her voice not louder than a whisper.

“She what?!” 

“She asked if she could --”

“I heard you the first time.”

“Then why ask me a--”

“It was for emphasis, urgh… never mind… Damn… you really do have something major in your hands here.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you.” Lisa hated it when she was upset. She could feel her jaws clenching, fighting off the brewing frustration. 

“Fine… I’ll help you, but if… you do anything.. And I mean it, _anything_ to make things worse Lisa. I swear I could care less about you being the assistant instructor. I will make it my life’s mission to ensure you regret it.” 

Lisa gulped, she couldn’t tell if she was joking or if she was just trying to make sure her point come across. Jisoo’s smirk was back on her face, but her eyes had that glint of mischief, 

“I swear…” putting her hand up. 

“Good, now if you’ll excuse me I’ll go grab that chicken plate… I’m starving.” Jisoo pushed her chair back and stood, turning her back, “but be sure to grab her something to drink. She calms down whenever she has something cold to drink.” 

“What?”

Jisoo swirled, rolling her eyes at Lisa. “For someone as cute as you, you’re kind of slow ma.” 

“I meant what kind of drink would she like?” Lisa tried to brush off the feeling of offense, she knew Jisoo was just joking anyways. 

“Anything healthy …” 

“Jisoo that’s too broad an information.”

“Arrgghhh, anything Lisa … as long as it’s healthy. God, If I wasn’t so into Rosie and I know how much she hates it when I’m doing something bad, I’d very much want to punch some sense into you right now.”

Lisa laughed, laughed so hard she was sure she was red. Red and breathless, tears spilling out from her eyes as she chuckled. 

“What’s so funny? i‘m serious.”

“You are a scary bunch of people.”

Jisoo smiled, “Yes… yes we are.”

“Except Rosie…”

Jisoo blushed… 

“Yes except Rosie.” She had her back turned and walked away, stopping only briefly before continuing. “Oh and Lisa? If I find out Rosie knows I have a crush on her, I’ll make sure you won’t see the light of day.” 

_Oh boy,,,_

* * *

Lisa paid for the pineapple mango smoothie. Jogging to make sure she gets back in time for the class. 

_Was pineapple mango healthy enough?_

She shook her head.

_Stop fussing over such silly things,_

She stopped in place when she felt her phone vibrate 

**Notification:**

**You’ve got (1) mail.**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**Read now | Delete**

Smiling at the notification was becoming a habit, a habit she might learn to like. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/31/2017 10:26AM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**L,**

**Is this sarcasm I’m reading? From the great oh wise L?**

**Look I appreciate it, and don’t make me embarrass myself from admitting I’m starting to like sleeping with that plushie.**

**J**

_Oh… oh… J was nice?_

Lisa fumbled. Her silly ole heart doing somersaults. Fluttering, jumping, dancing in her chest. God was she blushing? 

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**Talk about plot twist or should it be email twist?**

**Is MRJK actually being soft?**

  1. **AM. FLATTERED.**



**Does this mean we get to continue with what we have going here?**

**L**

Shit, that last line sounded off. 

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**I meant with emailing each other stuff. I realized how weird that last line might have sounded.**

**(sounded like I was sort of… asking you out there… )**

**LOL**

**L**

Lisa was already in her dancing clothes when she saw the notification.

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**01/31/2017 10:56AM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**L,**

**Don’t push it…**

**You sound like me being all nice to you is a miracle.**

**And… (this is embarrassing) Yes… you can annoy the living hell out of me through email.**

**J**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo.. thoughts? hahaha
> 
> next update may be Wednesday next week. 
> 
> Follow me on twitter y'all, I need more Blackpink moots T_T being a baby blink is sad...


	8. When It Rains...It Pours. In Her Case... It Floods

_ Why am I here? _

She’s been asking herself the same question over and over for the past ten minutes. She could hear Rosie pleading on the other end of the door, asking her if she’s fine, coaxing her to come out, begging her. What good would it do though? What difference does it make? When she brings down her walls, the guilt comes tumbling out, like a flood. And Jenne knows if she does, she’ll drown, spiral into the deep recesses of her being. 

_ So why was she here?  _

Jennie holds on to herself, rocking back and forth. Eyes closed shut, and beads of sweat on her temples. She tries to even out her breathing, tries to push away thoughts that reminded Jennie of her.

_ But you can’t, can you? She’ll always be with you _

Jennie hated the little voice in her head, despised it so much she wished she had brought something to quiet it down. 

_ You can’t get rid of me. I’ll always be here.  _

Jennie punches the wall and screams silently, punches the wall again until she feels her skin break, and another until she sees red. She’s numb, looks dumbly at the red streak on the wall. It takes away the pain in her heart but only temporarily. Who was she kidding? 

_ She’d still be here. If you hadn’t ran out that night… she’d still be alive.  _

Jennie slumps in a ball on the bathroom floor. When you break, would people see you crack? Crumble around the seams? If you break, can you find it in yourself to be whole again? Jennie closes her eyes, heard the lock on the door turn, felt Rosie’s hands on her. As warm as the embrace, it felt nothing. Not when the coldness in her heart was stronger. She heard her scream and call out for Jisoo, heard her mumbling words. Words that she wished she’d believe. If anything, they felt hollow. 

_ So why was she here? It wasn’t Lisa’s fault. She knew it was her own. _

* * *

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**01/31/2017 10:58PM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Hmmm it’s not?**

**It’s more like a breakthrough for me.**

**Give me some credit. You’re not really that easy to get close to. I’m just happy I’m making progress. :D**

**I’d love to annoy the living hell out of you, but… I’d love it more if I can make you smile.**

**Annoyed you is no fun at all. I like happy J more.**

**L**

Jennie read through it again, a ghost of a smile on her lips.

“Hey Jen!”

Rosie was practically bouncing her way to her. 

“Hey chipmunk. Why are you so happy?”

“Jisoo bought me some chicken, I wanted to save some for you but I got carried away.”

She could see her pout and it made Jennie laugh. She knew how much of a foodie her friend was. What’s even more amusing was a blushing Jisoo who trailed after her, avoiding Jennie’s eyes, 

“She did huh?” Jennie said through a knowing smile, trying to catch Jisoo’s attention. “Jisoo buying you chicken is something new, she doesn’t really like sharing that particular food with anybody.. Unless it’s you and unless --”

“Jen! You’re here early why don’t we all go do some stretching before Lisa arrives yeah?” Jisoo was quick to cut her off, making her laugh all the more. 

_ She misses that feeling. Laughing.  _

Rosie was already off. Dropping her bag and went straight for squats.

“Hmmm… you like what you see Chichu?” She whispered.

Jisoo looked funny when she was flustered and caught off guard. 

“No! God! Don’t make me regret telling you my secret!” she gave Jennie a glare. 

“Don’t worry. She doesn’t suspect a thing, but if you continue to give her heart eyes then she might?” Jisoo walked away, making Jennie laugh even more. “I’m serious! You’ve got to tell her sooner or later! I’ve seen Chanyeol eyeing her. You’ve got to make a move Chichu.”

“Urgh, sometimes I wonder why we’re friends! You bully me too much.” 

“Cuz you love me, and no. We all know you’re the bully in the group, except when it’s Rosie then you go all soft and cassanova on her.” 

Jisoo stays quiet and smiles, flipping Jennie the middle finger before going through the stretching exercises herself. 

“Get your ass over here Kim. We don’t have all day,” 

* * *

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**L,**

**If you keep it up I might as well go as far as calling you a friend.**

**I’m bored.**

**Humor me?**

**J**

Jennie sent the email at around the same time Lisa entered the room, out of breath and sweating. 

“Hey guys, sorry I’m late. Got caught up with something along the way” 

She had a smoothie in hand and was giving them an apologetic look. 

“Why don’t you guys take a ten minute break while I dry off and catch my breath here?” 

Jennie saw Jisoo give her a nod of acknowledgement, going straight for Rose who was drinking water.

_ Great, now was not the time for them to leave her alone.  _

She saw Lisa go straight for her out of the corner of her eye. 

“Hey…”

“What do you want?” 

“Uhhh I guess I deserve that.” She gave Jennie a sad smile. 

“Seriously Lisa, what do you want? I’m not really in the mood for another round of life lessons.”

“I know. I came to apologize. It was… wrong of me to assume things.”

“And?”

“And… for saying things I shouldn’t”

“Hmmm…”

“I just wanted to make sure you gave the choreo your best. Hoshi is expecting much from you and … you dance so well.”

_ Expecting…. Expectations… she hated that word. _

“And, I wanted to give you this. Forgive me?”

Lisa was handing out the smoothie, looking at her expectantly. 

“I got you pineapple mango. It’s the healthiest one among their options. I didn’t know if you’d … wait Jennie are you okay?”

Jennie froze,  _ pineapple mango…  _

“Jennie, hey… you’re as white as a sheet.”

Jennie felt Lisa reach out, and she knew she pushed her away. Saw Jisoo and Rosie running to her, worry on their faces. 

“Hey Jen… you fine?” Rosie was looking at her with the softest expression. 

_ Pineapple mango… _

_ Forgive me…. _

_ Jennie couldn't help but give her a pout. If she wasn’t so head over heels for her she would’ve left the resto an hour ago. They were supposed to meet up. She promised her. _

_ “Jennie… please.” _

_ Jennie just looked at her, saw her gave her the sweetest of smiles. She could already feel her anger ebbing away. It was always like this though. _

_ “I wanted to give you this. Forgive me?” _

_ She was extending out a smoothie in hand, the other one reached out for her.  _

_ “Is it…” _

_ “Pineapple mango, your favorite.” She gave Jennie a huge grin.  _

_ “I’m not really in the mood for that right now.” She tried hiding the smile itching to break free. She didn’t want to give her the idea she was going to be that easy. _

_ “Please Jen? I promise it won’t happen again.” _

_ Jennie took the drink and allowed herself to melt in her embrace. It was like that always, and Jennie hated how she could never say ‘no’ to her. Hated how she allowed her heart to be held captive by her.  _

_ When you’re in love though, you don’t think much. You give and you give and don't expect much in return. Love meant being stupid. Love meant forgiving her despite of all the broken promises.  _

_ “I’m so sorry Jen, I promise not to do it again.” _

_ But Jennie Kim knows it was another lie.  _

_ “It’s fine Irene…” hugging her back, holding on to her shirt harder than she’d want to.  _

_ “You up for some dinner and movie?” _

_ Jennie nods. Her heart aches and nods along with her. She holds on a little longer, fighting the tears as she hears her laugh.  _

“Jennie, hey… you’re crying.” Jennie looks at Jisoo who was frowning, wiping away stray tears.

“I… I… got to go.” She said through clenched teeth, leaving them shocked as she ran away. She could hear rosie call out to her, heard her run behind her. 

But she was faster, getting inside an empty bathroom by the far end of the corridor, locking the door. Hearing Rosie call out from the other side. 

Jennie could feel her whole world crumbling, felt the walls of the room close in on her. She closed her eyes willing the memories away. 

_ When it rains...it pours. In her case, when it rains … it floods.  _

She was gripping the edge of the sink too hard, her knuckles were turning white. She wanted to dig deep in her chest and rip away her crying heart. Rip it away and throw it as far away as possible. Far away where it couldn’t hurt her. 

Jennie could still hear her laugh, hear her teasing voice as she tried to make her laugh. 

_ Why won’t you go away?  _

She cries and she cries. Her heart a never ending waterfall of guilt and sadness. She could barely see anything amidst the tears, but for some reason she could see her smile at her so clearly, see her reach out for her. Jennie reaches out too but knows there’s no one there. Just her reflection, as broken as her, looking back at her with the same dead expression. 

_ Why am I here? _

She asks the same question over and over. 

_ Why am I the one here… _

Dry heaving and breathing hard. 

_ Why me, and not her? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo I'm sorry...
> 
> Should I have placed a trigger warning in this? I'm not really good at identifying if I should or not. If I should have had, please let me know and I'm very sorry.


	9. Walking Through a Field with Landmines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a filler chapter - sorry...

“I don’t think it’s wise to run after her.” Jisoo was glaring at her, a dark expression on her face. Lisa wasn’t sure if it was anger, or disappointment or both?

_ It was probably a deadly combination of both.  _

“Remember my threat?”

Lisa clears her throat.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what happened.”

“Enlighten me please, what in hell’s name did you tell her?” Lisa saw how hard Jisoo was restraining herself. 

“I said I was sorry and offered her the drink you told me about.” 

Lisa felt horrible. Everything she does seems to backfire and in the wrong kind of way. Jennie looked so heartbroken and terrified. Lisa wanted to help Jisoo with whatever the other girl was planning on her. She deserves it anyway. 

Jisoo eyes her cautiously, hands on her waist. For someone so short she was every bit as scary.

“And?”

Lisa looked away, a weird stirring in her heart

“And it happened. I don’t know why or what or how. I just wanted to say sorry and make it up to her.” Lisa could already feel the tears coming. 

“Lisa… I’m… look. It’s just Jennie’s been through a lot and she’s become this person we don't know anymore… She’s … she’s too explosive. And approaching her and talking to her is like walking through a field filled with landmines. So I hope you understand why we’re so protective of her and why I’m so mad at you and…”

Lisa chokes, and covers her eyes. She was trying her best not to break down. 

_ Why am I so stupid?  _

“I know it’s … I just gave her the smoothie and hoped for the best and … and… I really don’t mean to do this to her.” 

Jisoo closed her eyes for a bit and let out a long sigh. Her whole demeanor changed when she saw the smoothie in Lisa’s hands, eyes going wide and jaw going slack. 

“Shit…”

Lisa looks at her and knows something much worse is coming.

“Fuck. I should have warned you.”

“What?”

“No… no… no…” Jisoo was pacing back and forth now. 

“Jisoo, what’s going on?”

“No wonder she broke down… You brought her pineapple mango! Out of all the choices!” 

Lisa would be lying if she said she wasn’t scared as hell. Jisoo was red, red from anger and Lisa was deathly afraid the situation would become even worse. 

“I have to go. Jennie she --”

Lisa grabbed her hand just in time for her to turn around and give her a questioning look. 

“Please Jisoo, tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m sorry Lisa, this has nothing to do with you…”

“But… Jisoo, Jennie… I--” 

“Sometimes there are things better left unsaid, things you shouldn’t know about”

Jisoo wrings her arms free and dashes outside.

_ Fuck.  _

* * *

Lisa couldn’t stand there. Not when she knows partly… no, not when she knew it was her fault. Jisoo can do anything she wants, she knows deep inside her she was to blame anyways. So Lisa sprints, runs after Jisoo as they heard Rose scream. 

Jisoo was the first one to look inside, kneeling beside her friend. Lisa stands by the door. Fear taking hold of her body. She sees Jennie slumped on the floor, expressionless and hands a bloodied mess. Rosie speaking sweet nothings by her side, helping her soothe her friend. And Jisoo a look of utter sadness in her face.

Rose looks up at her and pleads.

"Can you call an ambulance?"

Words strong enough to pull Lisa from the trance she was in and strong enough to take her attention from the red smear on the wall, enough to let her pull up her phone to call for help.

* * *

Jennie was taken to the nearest hospital. Rose and Jisoo were allowed inside the emergency room to ensure Jennie was fine. And Lisa? Lisa was too absorbed in her own thoughts and the worry that was eating at her. 

She had to call and let Hoshi know what happened. 

“What?!” Lisa winced at the harsh tone. 

“Hoshi Im so sorry..”

“No… no, it’s...it’s fine. No what I meant was, damn...you’re fine. The situation? Far from fine.”

Lisa could hear the frantic flutter of papers in the background.

“We had a similar incident happen way back which is why she was on extended leave.” She heard him sigh and cursed under his breath. “Do me a favor and ensure she’s fine? I’ll talk to the company and take care of the evaluations, I’ll have them exempted for now.”

“I … sure Hoshi.” letting out a deep breath she’d been holding on 

“And Lisa?”

“Yeah?” Lisa felt tired… felt it seep into her bones and into her whole being. 

“Don’t blame yourself.”

And the line went dead. 

_ But Lisa knows she would… _

* * *

Jennie was transferred to a private room, Rose had gone to buy food and Jisoo was outside, looking pissed and confused.

“She’s fine, nothing major. No broken bones, just a few lacerations on her knuckles and bruises. The swelling though is another story. She wouldn’t be able to attend the classes for a while.” Jisoo had her back turned to Lisa. 

“I’ve talked to Hoshi, he has exempted you from the monthly evaluations until.. Until everything's fine.”

“Well that’s good to know.” Lisa didn’t miss the sarcasm in her voice.

“Jisoo… I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to Lisa.” She looked back and gave her a sad smile. Lisa could perfectly see the unshed tears in her eyes. “God knows I have a hand in this as well… I just don’t think it’s best for you to go in there today. Maybe a day or two, but not today… please… just not now okay?”

“I understand…” Lisa answers in a whisper. “Can I take a quick peek though? I promise it won’t take long.”

“Sure… take your time. I’ll be here if anything happens.” Jisoo walks away and stands by the bleachers at the opposite side of the hospital corridor.

Lisa opens the door by a crack, taking a quick peek inside the room. Lisa’s heart breaks into a million tiny pieces as she sees Jennie. She was sitting up, back propped with pillows and her bandaged hands on top of a pillow on her lap. She looks out the window with an empty glazed look. 

“I’m so sorry…” Lisa repeats the same thing over and over and hopes that it reaches Jennie. She knows it wouldn’t but she continues anyway. Jennie Kim was broken and it breaks Lisa even more when she knows she helped break her even more. 

* * *

“Hey Lisa!”

Lisa turned around just in time to see Rose approach her, take out food in hand. 

“Oh hi Rosie.”

“Going home?”

“Uhhh yeah.. I talked with Jisoo and we both decided it was for the best I went home for now. I don’t think it would be of any help in the situation if I stayed here.” 

“I’m sorry about Jisoo… She’s the eldest amongst us and she beats herself up over every little thing.. Not that today is little. It’s just she’s blaming herself for not telling you, and she could be a little rough along the edges and not the best person to handle things when they blow over.” 

“Yeah, well tell her not to blame herself. I mean.. It was me who was talking with Jennie when it happened...so Jisoo shouldn’t --”

Rose let out a soft chuckle. “You’re too good. Don’t tell Jisoo I told you this. She’d be mad at me.” She dragged Lisa by the wrist towards the side, before continuing “Jennie had lost something so precious to her not too long ago, and one of the things she liked most was the same flavored drink you gave her. It wasn’t your fault. Sometimes memories can be deceiving and they can come back at the worst times to haunt you. It just happens that seeing the drink again made her remember things she shouldn’t. You didn’t know about that and Jisoo didn’t know you were buying the exact same drink. It was just a coincidence.”

Lisa wanted to answer back, but rose was quick to cut her off.

“Jennie’s a strong person, she might not seem it at times because she allows her emotions to get the best of her but she’ll be fine. I think it is best for you to stay away for a while. Just long enough until she’s back to her usual self. Jennie’s … Jennie-unnie will get through this like she always does and you’ll get the chance to talk things out with her and when you do, promise me you won't screw it up?”

Lisa looked at Rose and stayed silent for a while, trying to go over what she had said. 

“You’re only a month older than me but you make more sense than I’ll ever be. Thank you.”

Rose laughed, making Lisa smile.

“Yeah, well spending time with those two babies gave me a lot of practice.” Rose winked and tapped her on the shoulder. “I guess we’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“You should rest, you look like shit.”

Lisa just laughed as rose skipped walk away back to Jennie’s room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I know I said I wanted Lisa to know what happened to Jennie from Jennie herself, that still stands. What she learned from rose and Jisoo are too vague of an information to be considered as a confession of what happened that night. 
> 
> Next chapter will still be in Lisa's POV or it might be Jennie's ... I need a day or a couple of hours to rethink what happens for the next 2 chapters.


	10. When the Happiest of Memories Make for the Saddest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I lied, this is Jennie's POV

Jennie plays with the pudding, scoops it up then watches it plop back into the little plastic cup. Up down, up down, up down. Allows it to jiggle a bit in the cup as she holds it in her bandaged hands then up down, up down, up down. Doing anything to keep her mind from wandering. The only thing keeping her company tonight was the unbreaking sound of drips from the IV cutting sharply against the quiet, stuffy hospital room, and the hazy bluish glow from her phone.

_Drip… drip… drip…_

Jennie sighs, silence can be comforting but this? _This was suffocating_ … Silence had a habit of waking up caged memories… memories that hurt. And Jennie finds It funny how ironic it can be, when the happiest of memories make for the saddest. Maybe it’s the thought that the smiles and laughter, the teasing and the embraces will forever be encased in a picture, a diary entry, a fleeting thought before sleep. Frozen. Memories are… memories, and they’ll stay that way. Forever encased in your heart, a washed up movie for rewinds, never to be acted upon in the present. 

Jennie hears a soft ding, masking the hospital sheets with the bluish glow from her phone. She knew what it was. The screen was still showing the last email she received this morning.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/03/2017 10:34AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Did I do something wrong? :(((((**

**You’ve been avoiding me for three days now.**

**I’m sorry for ignoring you last time**

**L**

Jennie reads through the 23rd email she received. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/01/2017 01:34AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**I'm so sorry for not being able to reply to you…**

**Something happened.**

**L**

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/02/2017 09:29AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Are you mad at me?**

**L**

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/02/2017 03:52PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**:(((((((((((**

**Let me make it up to you please?**

**L**

Jennie rereads some of them and sighs, trying to breathe away the tightness in her chest.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/03/2017 5:27PM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**I’m sorry for nagging...**

**I’m here if you need anything… or if you’re ready to talk again.**

**But if not, then I understand.**

**L**

Jennie stares at the 24th email. Feels the heavy feeling in her chest drop to her stomach, stirring the bland hospital dinner she was forced to eat around and around. She does what she thinks is best, ticks “Select All” and then hits the delete button.

She should’ve done this way before… before everything had gotten this far. She knew it was stupid, and unfair … to drag someone into the murky waters that was her shitty life at the moment. Even if it was a stranger… _but she isn’t, right? Just any stranger?_ She laughs bitterly because she knows that she was still… and will continue to be, just a stranger. Whoever L was, doesn’t deserve all this negativity and darkness in their life… not when she felt like sunshine and Jennie? Jennie was like the moon. 

_“You don’t understand!”_

_“What?! What can’t I understand Jennie? Tell me… Help me understand!” Irene shouts through gritted teeth, flushed and breathless from trying to hold on to a struggling Jennie._

_Jennie whirls around and pushes her away._

_“Leave. Me. the. Fuck, alone Ju-Hyun!”_

_“Jennie… please, what did I do wrong?”_

_“Nothing.” She answers back in a tight voice, struggling to keep herself from lashing out again._

_“I… I… don’t understand…” She stops reaching out to her._

_“You did nothing wrong…” Jennie gives up and slumps in the sofa._

_“Then why are you leaving?” Jennie had her eyes closed but hears the desperation in Irene’s voice, and it breaks her even more._

_“Because … I can’t stand it anymore… my heart breaking every single day.” She gives up and tells her the truth, there’s no use in hiding it anymore._

_“I’m sorry… I love you Jennie you know that…”_

_“I know… but not… never in that way.”_

_“Why do you shut down and close off everyone that does? You’re so convinced you’re unlovable, that you’re never worthy but you are Jen… You are.”_

_Jennie laughs bitterly, feels the bile rise up as she tries hard not to choke, allowing it to stifle her instead…_

_“Jennie....”_

_“You don’t understand.”_

_Jennie knows she will never understand, not when Jennie loves her with her whole being and Irene? Irene loves her too, but never in that way. But she’s too kind not to say it. Jennie allows it to hang between them in silence. What are best friends for, right?_

* * *

Jennie wakes up with a throbbing headache, eyes caked with sleep dust, or whatever the fuck you called it. 

“Hey, you fine there mandu?” Jennie tries hard to focus on a smiling Rose, all that crying last night was making her dizzy.

“Hey chipmunk, where’s Chu?”

“Off to hunt for fried chicken,” Rose giggles as she see’s Jennie break out into a wide grin. 

“Damn, Chicken Chu…” 

“Jen?”

“Yes Rosie?”

“I’m sorry....”

“What for chipmunk?” Jennie nestled into the pillows, making herself comfortable.

“For not being there when you needed us.” Rosie gingerly held her hand in her own, “We suck at being friends right?” 

“No… stop… You are an awesome friend. You and Jisoo are the best. It’s just. There are some things I need to do on my own…” 

Jennie’s headache doubled, it sucks when you have to keep yourself from crying all over again just because one of your bestfriends decides to go all emotional on you. But that was Rosie, so Jennie just smiles in return, hoping it was enough to keep the younger girl from being sad. Jennie knows all too well how being sad sucked. 

“Hey! What did I miss?” 

“Unnie! You’re back!” Rosie stands up to greet Jisoo by the door and help her with the take out food. 

Jennie takes note of the way Rosie blushes when Jisoo smiles at her, reminding herself to tell Jisoo this.

“Jen, how are you?” Jisoo went from goofy to serious in a heartbeat, Jennie has always liked that about her. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Can you and Rosie stop asking me that everytime you visit? You both sound like broken records.”

Jisoo’s laughter and Rosie’s chuckles kept the lingering sadness in bay.

“Why don’t we have some chicken then?” 

“Let’s” Jennie smiles for real this time. 

* * *

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/04/2017 10-45AM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**Hey,**

**I know I said I’ll wait, well implied is the word here but you understand.**

**I can’t help but think I did something wrong…**

**I don’t care if you don’t answer that. Just… let me know you’re fine.**

**L**

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**You did nothing wrong… and I’m fine.**

**Just wasn’t in the mood these past few days…**

**J**

_Just one reply, just to let her know it wasn't her fault…._

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/04/2017 10-56AM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**I’m glad we’re doing this email style, wouldn’t want to embarrass myself cuz I’m doing this stupid ass happy dance and me thinks Leo probably disowned me as his mother. The ungrateful child..**

**I’m sorry, I can only imagine how annoying I was.**

**L**

Jennie clenches her fist and thinks long and hard, L gets the better of her and she hits reply. 

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**That’s a very enticing thought to make me want to meet you in person … seeing you make a fool out of yourself by dancing. :D**

**Tell Leo I approve of his decision.**

**J**

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/04/2017 11-06AM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Did you just? Smile at me?**

**Don’t encourage him please…**

**I’d love that someday. It’s nice to have a face to the name.**

**BTW, you know what I said about your emails having this little tone or voice inside my head? Why do I get the feeling you’re not fine? If anything, you know you can always talk to me right?**

**L**

Jennie hesitates, didn’t she decide to stop this whole thing? Stop dragging people into the blackhole that is her? 

_Darkness craves light, and you crave salvation._

She thinks and relents. When you’re full to the brim, you do nothing else but overflow. Overflow and fill someone else’s cup, and as cringey as it may sound Jennie is more than willing to take L’s offer. 

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Have you ever been in love L?**

**Loved so much, you lost yourself in the feeling? Loved too much you forget that there was even a ‘you’ to begin with?**

**I loved, and loved and loved.**

**Loved far too much it broke me before I even realized it was breaking me. Loved, and lost.**

Jennie stares at the reply, stares at it with a hollow feeling…

**When you’ve loved too much, you lose a little part of yourself.**

**With every kiss, every hug, every i love you… you give away a part of your heart, your soul. Little by little they take everything, only becoming whole when they give you back the same thing, the same feeling.**

**Isn’t that how love works?**

**I’m scared I’m empty.**

**I gave her everything of me..**

**J**

Jennie knows it’s the truth. When you’ve given everything, you keep nothing. She knew she took everything with her that night. She will forever be incapable of love…

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/04/2017 11-49AM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**No.**

**No lies, no bullshit. I’ve never been in love.**

**How am I to justify my answer when I haven’t been in the same situation?**

**I don’t …**

**I don’t know how to answer you.**

**I guess, when you give everything and not get anything in return it kills. Kills you to the point you start to hate the feeling rather than revel in the magic, in the happiness that it brings.**

**Is that how love really works?**

**I always thought of love to be … a sort of healing?**

**You don’t give because true love never asks for anything.**

**You share…**

**Isn’t it supposed to be like that?**

**You share to them pieces of you to complete them, allowing yourself enough to let you stand despite them leaving. You won't regret because you know you will always be a part of them and they a part of you.**

**You give a part of yourself, but J... have you ever allowed yourself to take what they were offering you?**

**L**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized I'll break the flow if I stay with Lisa's POV still.  
> So ... thoughts?  
> I know Jennie here can be so urghhh but can we blame her?  
> I guess you could blame me?


	11. Doesn't Mean You Have to Be Fixed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is mostly e-mails sent back and forth, and is pretty short -- so sorry about that. Next chapter would be more interaction between Jennie and Lisa.

Raindrops rolled off of her bedroom window, fogging up the glass and blurring her reflection. She holds onto her cup of hot chocolate, trying to chase away the cold that settled in her bones. It does nothing though. Not when the cold seeped into her whole being, found its way through the cracks in her soul, making her shiver. 

Lisa reads through the email again, for the fifth time. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/04/2017 12:12PM**

**TO:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**L,**

**Do you want to know a secret? Or better yet... want to know the truth?**

**I killed her.**

**It was me.**

**That night…**

**In the rain, in the car, in that split second.**

**If only… right?**

**Maybe she’d still be here. I’d break everyday… but I’ll take that over nothing.**

**Now I’m so set on thinking I can never be fixed.**

**Love and Life’s messed up like that, no?**

**Or are you one of those who believe that there’s something still good left in me? Something worth saving? Cuz it’s bullshit.**

**J**

There's a different kind of sadness in the email. The kind that cuts deep, the kind that leaves ugly scars and burrows deep. She felt the same kind of sadness worm into her soul, felt the words bleed out from the email and she stares out into the night, watching the rain. Watching everything outside get drenched.

_Much like J huh? Drenched and awashed with the sadness and guilt?_

Lisa tries hard to stop herself from sobbing, tries hard to drive away the cold, and the sadness and the darkness. If she could she’d do the same for J...

“I'm sorry…” Lisa whispers into the night. It was all she could offer.

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**I’ve been staring at the screen for two hours now.**

**Yeah, I guess Life's messed up, so is love.**

**But everything's messed up, right? One way or another? So so messed up.**

**Messed up in so many ways it’s making me cry.**

**How can life fuck up everything so good in this world? mess you up like that?**

**J… Life’s so full of uncertainties, so full of what-ifs and maybes and questions and shit.**

**But J… things have a way of finding clarity out of all that.**

**Being broken doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed.**

**Being fine doesn’t mean you have to be fixed.**

**Sometimes being fine means …. Accepting. Accepting that things need to happen, accepting that sometimes being broken can be beautiful, accepting that … that it wasn’t your fault…**

**L**

Lisa sat there in front of the laptop as the rain continued to drum against the window, allowing the cold that shook her, embrace her. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/04/2017 02:28PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**I guess… I’ve kept it for far too long.**

**You know how hard it is to stay silent when all you wanted was to scream?**

**Why are you like that?**

**Why are you so good to me? Why do you find the right things to tell me?**

**Why... why... Why...**

**Why do you waste time on someone like me?**

**J**

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**Because. Because. Because. :)** **Should** **there always be a reason though?** **Have you ever tried catching butterflies at night? Tried dancing without music?** **I smile everytime I remember back when I was a kid, when we’d visit the beach…** **I’d make this beautiful sandcastle… but you see I was very young then and nobody told me not to make one right by the shore because then, when the waves come it’ll all go tumbling down right? Well, I made myself one big pretty sand castle and watched the waves crashed against it, saw how it fell crumbling down back into the little pool by my little feet…** **I loved it, because I realized that even though the waves took that pretty sandcastle away from me, I could always build another one. Another one just as beautiful or more.** **Why am I telling you this?** **Because J… It’s like that… Life?** **I’ll tell you a secret too...It felt magical… It felt like happiness, and I want you to feel it too.**

**L**

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/04/2017 02:57PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

 **Happiness?** **Do you really think I deserve that after everything I did?** **You see, it was raining that night… raining as hard as it did now …** **I told her the truth… told her I loved her, loved her with as much love as I could offer.** **She loved me too… but not in that way, never in that way… Because she loves someone else, and I .. I do what I’m good at when Im hurt and afraid.** **I run… I ran away and left.** **It would have been so much easier if she let me .... if she stayed behind but she’s stubborn like that, and maybe that’s why I loved her too much L… She was everything I wasn’t and she was so so so good. Too good she can’t let me go off and be sad and hurt and alone, too good, I hated her that night for it.** **You see? When you’re mad and hurt and sad at the same time, you go off. She tried to calm me down but my annoying heart wouldn’t listen and I had to do what I think I’m good at. Pick up a fight.** **I lashed out and got mad and screamed and we fought L. The last memory I had of her was that fight. Said things I didn’t mean, did things I shouldn’t…** **I got so consumed by it, I didn’t see this car speeding towards us.** **When we did… it was already too late.** **So tell me L? Do you still think I deserve that?**

**J**

Lisa steps away to breathe. When everything gets a bit too unbearable that’s what she does best. Steps away and breathe. Relaxing the uneven heartbeats in her chest, frowning over the weird choking sensation in her chest.

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**Happiness? Yes…** **J, you do. You deserve all of that.** **I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.** **What happened that night wasn’t your fault.** **See that sandcastle I told you about?** **I tried so hard to stand between it and the waves, little old me thought I could stop the waves from reaching my pretty creation. I stood and watched the water pass through my legs and take with it my sandcastle.** **It’s like that with you that night? Wasn’t it?** **I know you tried so hard to prevent it from happening J, she knows that too.** **She knows you’re sorry, knows how much you loved her, knows how much you wanted things to have gone out differently.** **Why do you hate yourself for something you had no control over?** **You deserve happiness, yes. But do you know what you deserve more J?** **You deserve forgiveness, you deserve forgiveness from yourself…**

**L**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I wrote anything here that might not be good or if the message on any of their emails is bad let me know. I had a lot of trouble writing this, as most of J's emails are very hard to respond to, so if any of L's replies gives off a bad message or if you think she handled it in the wrong way or if she could have handled it differently, please let me know and I'll edit it as soon as possible. Thank you for reading and have a great week ahead guys. 
> 
> *updated the tags*


	12. You Probably Have a Concussion

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.”

“You don’t have to be back so soon, I can make arrangements and -- “

“Thank you, really. But I’ve been stuck in my apartment doing nothing for days now.”

Jennie paced around her makeshift living room, picking up clothes strewn on the floor and ensuring the phone sandwiched between her ear and shoulder doesn’t slide out of place.

“Seriously Hoshi, I’m fine now.” 

There was a brief silence on the line.

“Okay, fine. Would you still like that schedule swap? I could work things out and find a way to clear my schedule, I think…”

“It doesn’t matter, but if it’s not that much of a hassle then yes. If you could.” 

_ When was the last time she did her laundry?  _

Jennie placed every piece of clothing she could find around the room into a basket.

“Do you mind if I let Lisa take over your class?”

A pair of socks suspended in the air, in her hand.

“No, I don’t mind. It’s fine.”

Silence.

_ Did she hesitate? _

“Alright then, you’re all set for a separate class at 2 in the afternoon. Same room.”

Jennie nodded, 

“Thank you.” She added, realizing Hoshi couldn’t see her nodding along to whatever he said. 

“See you then.”

The line went dead and Jennie threw her phone over to her empty bed, staring at it blankly before continuing with her clothes scavenger hunt around her apartment. Making a mental note to make up her bed after everything.

* * *

She sat alone inside the laundry shop, watching her clothes go round and round inside the washing machine. Round and round until it stops and goes round and round again in the opposite direction. 

_ Fun, right? _

She let out a loud sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. It’s becoming a habit -- the sighing and the boredom. The only exciting thing that has happened ever since she got out of the hospital was cleaning her apartment, and if she was being honest with herself (which was a rare occurrence - she knows…) the emails she received from L.

_ Speaking of emails…  _ She felt the all too familiar vibration from her phone.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/09/2017 08:57PM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Laundry? That sounds great?**

**LOL… let me be honest. That sounds boring.**

**Any plans for tomorrow? (please tell me you have something… anything interesting planned out tomorrow..)**

**L**

She thought about it for a bit before pressing reply. Ever since she had that talk with L five days ago, she’s learnt… no that’s the wrong word… she’s trying to give herself what she (L) thinks would be the best.  _ Forgiveness and … what was the other one? Yeah… acceptance.  _

_ But it’s easier said than done right?  _

So she tries… tries harder to be kinder to herself, and kinder to people around her. 

_ Let’s be honest though… it’s going to be one hell of a ride.  _

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**L**

**If going back to my usual routine tomorrow is interesting to you …. Then yes.**

**If not … then I don't know what to tell you.**

**J**

The washing machine stops as soon as she hits sends, making Jennie eye it curiously. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/09/2017 09:09PM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Your brevity never fails to amuse me. Hah. :D**

**But seriously, I hope you have an interesting day tomorrow.**

**If not, let me know I can always amuse you LOL (or annoy you… whichever works for you best)**

**L**

Jennie hopes so too.  _ Her day being interesting and all …. _

* * *

Jennie weaves through the people in the lobby. She forgot how busy it could get on Mondays. She leaves for a week and she already forgets how much she hates Mondays, she hates people in general but Mondays come a close second…

“Jen Jen!”

Rosie’s familiar voice cuts through the noise, making Jennie stop right in front of a packed elevator.

“How are you?” She turns around in time for the taller girl to wrap her in a comforting hug. 

“Hey chipmunk, I’m doing good. Fine… great even.” She gives her a reassuring smile. Just enough to make sure the redhead doesn't worry. 

She sees a questioning look on her delicate face, too quick for Jennie to worry about. 

“Im happy to hear that… We’ll see you after your class then? Same place?”

“You guys don’t have to wait on me you know.”

“But we want to…” She gave Jennie a pout “ We missed you and it’s always fun when you’re around. I miss Jisoo being pissed off.” She gave Jennie a wink before joining the other people inside the elevator “See you later!” 

Jennie chuckles at the way Rosie kept on waving at her up until the elevator doors closed. She knew Rosie knew she hated crowds and preferred taking the stairs when she was alone.  _ All seven floors of it. _

* * *

Jennie took her time, dragging her feet on the stairs, enjoying the way her steps echoed out. 

_ Acceptance…  _

She repeated it like a mantra. Some days it was enough to keep the guilt at bay and most days it wasn’t, but it was progress. 

_ Anything that made her not think of her was progress, right?  _

She took the remaining flight of stairs by two’s, opening the door to the 7th floor lobby with as much strength as she could muster. 

“Oomf..” 

She heard a loud bang and felt something crash against the metal door. 

“Shit!”

Jennie winced at the profanity, That bang and crash could only mean one thing…

_ Someone ran into the metal door as she opened it.  _

Jennie peeked and saw her on her butt. She had her head buried in her hands as she continued to curse under her breath. 

Maybe it was the way she was sitting on her ass on the floor, maybe it was the way she was spurting out curse word after curse word, or maybe it was the way she was blaming herself for being clumsy (she wasn’t doing it so subtly) that made Jennie smile, trying to smother the laughter bubbling in her chest, 

“What the fucking fuck. Why are you so stupid? Damn Lisa…for a dancer you’re such a klutz..”

“I’m sorry.”

If she found her cursing and her sitting on the floor that way funny, Jennie realized the look of utter surprise or was it horror on Lisa’s face was funnier.  _ Not that she’ll admit that openly. _

“No no…. It’s fine.. It was my fault… are you .. are you okay?” 

“Strange…”

Lisa gave her a weird look, something in between caution, questioning and more along the lines of surprise.

“I open the door, you get hit because of it, land on your butt, probably might get a bump in your head and you’re worried about me?” Jennie arched her brow in question. She had a feeling she looked intimidating as Lisa squirmed beneath her stare. 

“I uh… “

“You probably have a concussion.” Jennie leaned down to match Lisa’s height, surprising herself as she reached out to touch the red mark on Lisa’s cheek tenderly. She saw the panicked look in Lisa's eyes as she recoiled so fast and hard making Lisa lose her balance, and making her stick out her legs as she fell on her back, taking Jennie with her. 

“Oomf!”

“ShitI’msosorryIdidn’tmeanto.” 

Lisa blurted out words so fast it gave Jennie whiplash.

She was sprawled on top of the assistant instructor, Lisa held her as gently as she could looking like a trapped animal. 

“Are you fine? Are you hurt?” 

“Can you stop with the annoying questions?” 

Jennie pushed herself off of her.

“I… I’m sorry…”

Jennie rolled her eyes.

“Look, stop apologizing. If anyone deserves an apology it’s you.” She held her hand out to help Lisa get back to her feet.

“It’s just ... I .. you… it’s really..” Lisa, Jennie saw, had a habit of playing with the tips of her bangs when she’s flustered. 

“Seriously… Lisa stop it. I could feel another apology coming…”

“I’m sorry I can’t help --”

“There it is again!” She threw her hands up in defeat. “Look I’m sorry. Me .. not you… okay? Understand? Now let’s get you checked in the clinic.”

Jennie pulled her in the direction of the elevator, she could feel Lisa wanted to object but she shot her down with a glare before she could even open her mouth. 

* * *

“What happened?” Wonwoo, the company nurse gave them a questioning look as he swiped Lisa’s bangs to the side. Giving him a better view of the bump and bruise on her cheek and forehead.

“Long story…” Lisa looked away as she answered. 

“Short .. she ran into a door, and got banged up real bad.” she could feel the smirk on her face before she even realized it. 

Wonwoo’s laughter rang throughout the clinic. 

“That does sound like a Lisa thing to happen.” 

Wonwoo gave Lisa an ice pack. 

“It should help with the swelling, leave it on for fifteen minutes k?.”

“Sure doc.”

Wonwoo gave Jennie a smile and excused himself to attend to a dancer who was complaining of leg cramps. 

“I am sorry.”

Jennie let out an exasperated sigh, 

“For the nth time Lisa, it’s fine. I should be the one sorry..”

“Not about the me-running-head-on-against-the-door incident…”

Jennie stays silent. 

_ What was she supposed to say anyway… _

“I’ve been meaning to say sorry back at the hospital but Jisoo and I figured I might make things worse, so…”

“It’s fine.”

“It isn’t”

“It is…”

“But Jen…”

“You know you’re really annoying.” Jennie picked at an imaginary speck on the clinic bed.

“I’ve been told by a lot of people…”

“But really, I’d rather not talk about it. We have to work together… for class anyways so if we can keep things less awkward with each other I’d appreciate that.” Jennie tried to give her a soft smile, she had hoped it looked soft. 

“Sure… I… I.. understand. Let me say sorry one last time?” Lisa gave her a grin

“Funny… anyways, your class starts in twenty minutes…”

“Yeah, but my student’s still here so I guess she doesn't mind if I run a little late? I’m still banged up and all?” Lisa had a brow up and was looking at her expectantly. 

“She doesn’t, but maybe the teacher should make it up to her…for being late and wasting her precious time”

“Hmmm, what do you think I should do?” Lisa was giggling and it made Jennie smile. 

_ Weird…  _

“Dinner. You should buy her dinner.”

“I guess I should… What do you say?”

“I get to pick where to eat. I don’t trust you enough…” Jennie looked away, the smile on Lisa’s face made her heart do flips and she backed away a little, confused.

“Sure, I can work with that.”

“Great, whenever you’re done here...I’ll be in the dance room waiting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYONE!!! :D
> 
> HAH for those who read Edelweiss I guess the running against things seem a little too familiar eh? LOL


	13. It's Not a Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay part 1 of their dinner ... date?

Lisa goes over the email one last time as she drank from her water bottle. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/10/2017 01:46PM**

**TO:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**L**

**Hmmmm…. Something interesting?**

**Is going out with someone you find annoying interesting?**

**J**

Lisa takes a deep breath and finds herself holding on to the water bottle rather tightly, her fingers making little dents into the plastic. 

_What’s this?_

She bit into the inside of her cheeks. Bit into it rather hard, she could taste blood. 

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**That depends?** **Is this person annoying annoying? Annoyingly cute? Annoying what?**

**L**

Lisa locked her phone and threw it inside her duffel bag, for once she wasn’t really looking forward to seeing an email notification. 

“Hey.”

Lisa let out an audible sigh 

“Hey to you too…”

“You alright? You look pissed off.” Jennie gave her a worried look, which took Lisa aback, she wasn’t really expecting to see that range of emotion on her. _That’s a rude thought._ What she meant was, she wasn’t expecting to see it directed at her.

“Yeah… yeah I’m fine.”

“Does it hurt?” Jennie gestured to her forehead. 

The throbbing in her forehead wasn’t as uncomfortable as it was an hour ago, if anyone asks her... the throbbing she felt in her heart hurt more. 

“No… It’s … I’m fine… don’t worry.” She gave the shorter girl a huge grin 

“I’m more worried about you cancelling that dinner you owe me. I’m starving… and craving for some Thai food.” 

“And pass up the chance on a dinner date with THE Jennie Kim? Not gonna happen, you like Thai huh?”

“It’s not a date.” Lisa couldn’t help but giggle as Jennie rolled her eyes and scoffed.

_This banter was good, it kept her from thinking about J_

“It’s too early for dinner, why don’t we just meet up at Swy Thai down 2nd ave… say around seven?” Jennie picked her bag and went for the door.

“Yeah sure… I’ll see you there.”

The only answer she got was the door clicking shut. 

* * *

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/10/2017 03:29PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**None of the above I guess.**

**Normal annoying? Why are you so pressed about it anyways.**

**J**

Lisa was pacing back and forth in front of her laptop.

_Pressed? She's not pressed … why would she be? It's not like she cares or anything._

Leo was flicking his tail left and right in sync with Lisa's steps. 

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Who said I was pressed?**

**Anyways enjoy your night.**

**I have something planned with someone too so I guess we can talk about our respective nights tomorrow?**

**L**

Lisa hits send and groans. 

_That sounded like she was jealous … wait was she?_

She shook her head to get rid of the stupid voice. It allowed the throbbing to come back, making her scrunch her face in annoyance.

_You're fucking jealous._

"I'm not!" She said a little too loud, scaring Leo as he scurried off to hide in her bed. 

_You are…_

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/10/2017 03:57PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Hmmm.**

**Yeah that sounds like a great plan.**

**Talk to you tomorrow.**

**J**

_That's it? That's all she gets? ‘Talk to you tomorrow’??_

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Yeah, sure.** **Enjoy your night.**

**L**

She hits “enter” a little too forcefully. 

“What are you looking at?”

Lisa plops into her bed and gives Leo a scowl, making him hiss and run off towards her kitchen. She takes the nearest pillow and buries her face as she screamed, muffling the sound. 

_Wouldn’t want the neighbors to think she was killing someone, right?_

* * *

Lisa regrets not wearing a thicker jacket, winter was almost over but the night breeze made her shiver from the cold nonetheless. She was a few minutes early which was good because she thinks she’s lost. 

“I’m sure it’s just around here.” 

Lisa has walked through 2nd avenue for what she thinks is the twelfth time, _exaggerating? No… it’s the truth sadly…_

“I’m sure I heard her right, did I?” Lisa frowns and huffs in frustration. “Is there another 2nd ave I don’t know? Should I ask for directions… but then again I could always use GPS… but I hate reading maps and shit…”

“You’re seriously talking to yourself?”

Lisa almost jumps … _almost…._

“Don’t scare me like that.” She gives Jennie a glare. 

“I’m not… It’s not my fault you’re jumpy. And… just want to point out that you look like a mad puppy, not the least bit scary.”

Lisa groans.

“Follow me…”

Lisa always prided herself for being patient, for being so understanding… but something about today is making her grumpy. So she storms off to follow Jennie into the corner of the avenue. 

“It’s right here, they’re not really that recognizable since you have to go through this little boutique.” 

“I’m beginning to think you did this on purpose... “

“What?”

They walked through aisles of winter jackets and pre-loved designer dresses, which were on sale, until they reached an opening by the side. If you looked quickly enough you’d miss it, and if you scanned the back of the boutique like any normal shopper would it would have passed as a restroom, and if you looked really hard enough, and by hard enough one must squint their eyes and know how to read thai to realize it was a thai resto.

“How do you expect me to find this Thai resto when its entrance is hidden inside a boutique out of all places?”

“I don’t.”

“Do you hate me that much?”

Lisa lets out an exasperated sigh, 

“No, I don’t.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

They were greeted by a homey looking old man and was let to an empty booth at the far end.

“Ms. Kim, we’re so happy you’re back!” The old man said in broken Korean. 

“I’m happy to be back as well Mr. Khem.” Lisa doesn’t miss the smile Jennie gave him, showing off her gummy smile -- one which Lisa realizes she hasn’t seen _yet._

“You didn’t ask.” 

Jennie takes the seat opposite from her and tilts her head with her signature smirk, 

“Huh?”

“You didn’t ask, so how can I tell you?”

“You’re supposed to give out information like that regardless of being asked or not,” Lisa says through a tight smile. 

“Oops.” Jennie just smiles, _the same gummy smile_ “So….’

“So?”

“For someone as lively and talkative at work you’re so shy.” Jennie picks up the menu and goes over the choices. 

Lisa stays silent and takes a deep breath. "Sorry, rough day and all.”

Jennie peeks through the menu, raising her left eyebrow in question to let Lisa continue.

Lisa doesn’t know but she smiles instead of answering. 

“Forget about it. What food are you getting?” Lisa asks instead.

Jennie just shrugs “Khao phat kung, you?”

Lisa grins “Pad Thai.”

“Pad thai?” 

“Uh yes?”

“How stereotypical...” Jennie gives her a judging look. 

Lisa laughs and finds her bad mood ebbing away. “So?”

“Order something else.” 

Jennie goes over the menu, scanning each item with a frown. Her black hair falling over her shoulder as she tilts her head to the side. 

“Why?” 

“Try something new.”

“Why?”

“Why why why! Does it matter?!” Jennie blurts out red in the face.

Lisa chuckles, for a moment she sees herself in Jennie. 

“It shouldn’t matter, but you know.. You look kinda cute when you’re mad.”

Jennie looks away and mumbles something, 

“What?”

“You are annoying the hell out of me.”

“Is that supposed to be bad or good?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.” Jennie goes back to reading through the menu

“Are you always this grumpy?” Lisa settles into her seat comfortably, resting her chin on her palm.

“Are you always this nagging?” Jennie shots back with a smirk. 

“Yes,” Lisa stretches and winks at her, she could already see her aura changing to a dangerous black.

Jennie doesn’t answer and calls for the attention of the server instead.

“Ms. Kim, ready to order?”

“Yes, we are. Can we have Yam Nua, Khao Pad oh! and Gaeng Daeng?” Lisa answered in Thai.

She wished she had a camera to capture Jennie’s shocked face and the way the server’s eyes twinkled with happiness.

“Of course, anything you’d like to add to that?” he answered in Thai 

“Pad Thai.” She grinned at Jennie. 

“I didn’t know you speak Thai…” she asked as soon as the server left.

“You didn’t ask…” She couldn’t help but laugh.

Jennie glared at her from across the table.

_It’s going to be a fun night…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll part 2 tomorrow... wasn't expecting the volume of work to increase this weekend so sorry!
> 
> Anyways anyone interested in having this crossposted to wattpad? LOL I don't have much followers (4) and I don't have much readers there but if you guys are more comfortable there I could always cross post this.


	14. Was She...Jealous?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... part 2? :D

Jennie goes through all the possibilities in her head. 

_Where would she bury the body though… Surely her friends would bail her out of jail right? Jisoo might be proud and Rosie? Rosie would be disappointed but would pay bail anyways. That she’s sure of._

Now it wasn’t like her to think this way but the way Lisa was getting on her nerves was more than enough to make her do so, and all these thoughts of murder made her thirsty.

“Sorry, I’m Thai.”

She was so absorbed in her thoughts that she barely heard the taller woman who was grinning like a cheshire cat opposite her. 

“What?”

“I’m Thai, that’s why I know how to speak Thai…” she had that annoying grin.

Jennie almost choked on water. 

“You okay?”

“You’re Thai?”

“Yes…” Lisa drawled out her answer, placing extra emphasis on the imaginary question mark at the end of her answer. 

_But she speaks perfect korean… wait, that’s wrong of me to assume… what were you expecting though? It’s not like you know her that well._

Jennie doesn’t know how to respond so she stares at her instead. 

“Uh hello? Jennie?”

“I didn’t know you were Thai.”

Lisa’s laugh rang out in the restaurant, making Jennie cringe and hide behind her glass of water, not that it provided that much cover anyways. 

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted.”

“Don’t take it the wrong way. You speak flawless Korean and…”

“Why, thank you.” 

Jennie wanted to slap that smug grin off her face. Luckily though before she can do anything that might land her in jail with a lawsuit, the server from before was back with their orders. 

“I’ve been living here for six years now.”

Jennie caught the sadness in her voice before she masked it with her chuckle. 

“I left Thailand because well… I wanted to be a dancer and I found out this uni was well known for their dance course. Mom was very supportive and my step dad wasn’t too keen about it at first but eventually relented. I’m very glad he did.” Lisa gave her a small smile as she scooped up some of the rice and gently placed it on Jennie’s plate, careful not to spill anything on the table. “I’ve always wanted to join YG as soon as I graduate and I was very lucky they held auditions around the same time I moved over to Seoul.”

“How was it?”

“Hmm?” 

Jennie gave her a questioning look as Lisa was setting up her plate with a bit of everything they ordered before she did the same for her own. She found it amusing as Lisa ensured she gave her just the right amount, not too much and not too little.

“How was the auditions? How do you find working in YG?” genuine curiosity getting the best of her.

“The auditions were… how do I say this?” Lisa stopped stirring the soup midway. “It was brutal, they gave me an hour to perfect this very hard choreo and another thirty minutes to prepare before showing the board how much I learned in that small amount of time y’know. Not to mention I had to beat hundreds of applicants for a spot.” She gave Jennie another huge grin before scooping up chicken into her porcelain bowl. “Working? Working there is different, I love how much Hoshi’s giving me freedom to teach.But enough about me, how about you? What’s your story.”

Jennie freezes in place at the question, the all too familiar feeling of drowning was starting to worm it’s way to her heart and she tries to breathe hard. Filling her lungs with as much air as she could to keep afloat. 

The warmth from Lisa’s hands on her own shaking ones made her look into Lisa's soft brown eyes. There was something in the way she looked at her, something that made the drowning sensation go away. Made it disappear, leaving the bitter taste of guilt at the back of her throat. It wasn’t enough to choke her, just enough to make her look away and swallow it back to the little chest she had hidden inside her. The chest where she kept the memories away. There was... understanding in her eyes … not the kind that made you feel she understood what you’re going through (because let’s be honest, no one really understands what other people are going through unless they’ve experienced the same pain, the same sadness.) It was the kind of understanding that said it’ll be fine if she doesn’t answer, if she stays silent and fight off the surge of painful memories instead. 

“I’m sorry for asking, you don’t have to … you know. You don’t have to tell me. Why don’t we enjoy the food instead.” Lisa nudged her softly and gestured to her plate. 

“I was… no, I needed some distraction last year and signing up for a dance class was the best thing I could think of.” 

Jennie hated how she sounded so small. If there’s anything she hates more than the damn memories and guilt, it was feeling vulnerable. It allowed other people to see the cracks in her walls and she didn’t want that, not when she tried so hard to keep everything together. 

“Dancing really does keep you distracted, I mean the way it allows your body to express all that pent up frustration and all other emotions without much thought. I love that about dancing, it takes my mind off things.” Lisa said in between mouthfuls of Pad Thai, making her cheeks puff into big balls as she tried her best to enunciate her words clearly with the food inside her mouth. 

Jennie closes her eyes and fights off the tears. 

_What was it she does best when she’s hurt? Yes ... running._

“Excuse me,” 

Lisa holds onto her wrist, making her stay. 

“Jennie, I didn’t mean to…” 

The way Lisa’s voice broke made Jennie sit back down.

“I think I’m learning how to talk to you in the worst ways possible huh?” 

She doesn’t answer but nods instead. 

“Look … anything that revolves around the past I’ll avoid okay? Unless it’s something you want to talk about. I promise…”

Jennie looks her in the eyes, _that same goddamn look…_ It was more than enough to make Jennie nod again and this time with a small smile. 

“So… tell me, what do you think of the food I chose? Still think it’s stereotypical? Or is it something new enough to make you try it out again sometime?” 

Jennie found herself chuckling, there was something in the way Lisa spoke that felt _familiar…_

“Is that another invitation I hear?”

“I guess it is. I must admit I love your impeccable taste in Thai resto’s, I’d love to hear what you think about my fave resto.”

“I’ll think about it....”

Lisa’s laugh loosened the tightness she felt in her heart. 

“Offer ends Thursday afternoon, after class.” 

“Are you asking me out on a date?” 

“Am I?”

“I liked you more when you weren’t so annoying.”

Lisa’s finger grazed her thumb briefly. Jennie thinks she didn’t mean to as she took her hand away the moment she realized she was drawing circles on Jennie’s skin. 

“I thought this was already a date?” Lisa gave her a wink. 

“Don’t push your luck, this is to make up for everything that happened at work.”

“Ouch,”

Jennie rolled her eyes.

“Okay… okay…. Miss grumpy pants. Let me take you to lunch sometime, you know my offer still stands. I’d like to get to know you more, maybe then you’ll tell me what I need to do to make sure I don’t piss you off. It’s kinda hard teaching you when you’re not talking to me and all.” 

“I said I’ll think about it… and maybe with the right food I might indulge you to some tips.”

“I’d love that…”

Jennie found herself entranced by the little creases at the corner of Lisa’s lips when she smiled.

_Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all…_

* * *

Jennie left the last email unanswered. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/10/2017 10:03PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**I just had dinner with one of the grumpiest person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I wasn’t expecting the night to be so … great? I think that’s the right word…**

**Anyhow ...I don’t know how to explain it but I have a feeling she’d been through so much and she reminded me so much of you. She deserves everything good in this world. Have I told you how much I liked seeing her smile? She looks so carefree and so so peaceful.**

**I hope I’d get to see you smile in person too! Someday…**

**L**

Jennie hates the way her heart was clenching, and it wasn’t because of the guilt or anything related to the past. This was… this was something different. She hated the way it felt heavy and dropped to the pit of her stomach, sending little ripples of heat and tiny pinpricks of annoyance all throughout her body. She was torn between wanting to scream and wanting to stay silent. She was… she was jealous? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Change of plans -- saving awkward fluff for date 2 or 3


	15. You Should Do That More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter is so messy, forgive me..

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/11/2017 06:03AM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**That’s great I guess?**

**Turns out the annoying person wasn’t so annoying after all.**

**Maybe… I shouldn’t be too hard on her, what do you think?**

**J**

Lisa didn’t have time to respond to her email, that’s what she wants herself to believe. It was the truth, well mostly of course. She was having a hard time trying to understand the tight little grip she felt in her chest.

She was sitting on the dance floor, trying to even out her breathing after dancing non stop for thirty minutes. She figured they could go through the whole choreo in one go and keep the rest (or most) of the practice for tomorrow. Jennie was intent on taking the spot on the other end of the room, far from her, where the lights were out and the only thing helping Lisa out from trying to check on her was the glow from Jennie’s phone on her face. 

The smaller girl wasn’t that much hostile to her anymore, which Lisa thinks is a great accomplishment. She even got a smile before they started class. 

_Talk about improvement._

She tore her gaze away from Jennie who had her head against the wall, eyes closed…

_Maybe she’s asleep?_

Lisa found herself smiling, she couldn’t help but take note of how peaceful she looked.

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**I’m glad your night went smoothly too.**

**Want to tell me more of what happened? Or…. nah?**

**Lol, why don’t you give her the old J initiation?**

**L**

The shrill notification sound from Jennie’s phone made her jump a little. She looked left and right, seemingly confused about what’s happening for a brief second before realizing everything and grabbing her phone beside her. 

Lisa doesn’t know why (she knows it’s rude but she does it anyway), but she found herself looking at Jennie. 

She was for the lack of a better term, frowning. Lisa can’t tell if it was from annoyance or if it was from genuine confusion. It was kind of hard to tell since she moved over to the side where it was darker and the glow from her phone was casting more shadows on her face rather than illuminating it. 

“Hey Jen!” 

All she got was a glare.

_Okay… maybe she wasn’t on really good terms yet._

“What do you want?”

She doesn’t miss the subtle way her lips curved into a smile before she had her smirk on, it was easier to tell since she turned to look at her before turning her attention back to her phone.

_Pretty…_

“Just checking on you!”

“You don’t have to shout. I can hear you perfectly fine you know.” 

Her attention was focused on her phone. 

“Have you decided?”

“If you ask me every thirty minutes I am most definitely going to say ‘no’”

“You’re no fun!”

Lisa tried to pout, she always gets what she wants that way…

“Ask me again Thursday afternoon and I might reconsider.” 

Jennie stood up and tied her hair in a tight ponytail. She had a blank expression on her face. _Her poker face maybe?_ She threw her phone into her bag and slung it over her shoulder. 

“I’m hungry. Are we done here or?”

Lisa was looking up as Jennie approached her. 

“Yeah, we’re done. You’re a fast learner so…”

“You should do that more.”

“Huh?”

Jennie mumbled something under her breath as she shifted her weight and looked away. Clearly she finds the door far more amusing than Lisa…

“I meant you should end the class earlier more often.” 

Lisa laughed. 

“Yeah sure, if you keep this up then I might.” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Don’t make Jisoo and Rose wait, Jisoo might murder me if she runs out of chicken…”

This time it was Jennie who chuckled.

“I’ll tell her it was all your fault.”

She was already out the door when she answered, leaving her words to echo out inside the dance room making Lisa smile. 

Lisa didn’t realize she had another email waiting. 

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/11/2017 02:49 PM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Hmmm… are you implying something?**

**What do you suggest I do?**

**J**

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**I don’t know… just be your usual grumpy self I guess? :D**

**Kidding…**

**I’d hate to say it, but I have to… since Im nice and all? Give her a chance?**

**L**

* * *

Lisa takes the empty seat beside Jennie in the company pantry. The surprised look on Rose’s face and the quick change from confusion to annoyance to pure amusement on Jisoo’s face made Lisa laugh out loud. What’s even better? The way Jennie was unbothered …

“Lisa… we, uhm… weren’t expecting you to sit with us.” Rosie was the first one to break the awkward tension. Jisoo nodding along.

_Isn’t she always the one to do so?_

“I just have something to ask Jennie. It’ll be quick.” 

Jennie wasn’t paying her any attention at all though, so she had to take her food tray away. 

“Give that back!”

Lisa was way taller, which meant she had a longer reach. Taking that into her advantage she pushed the tray farther away. 

“Not until you talk to me.”

Jennie scoffed and reached for the tray. Lisa’s eyes widened at the close proximity, Jennie’s face was inches from her own. It was so close she could see the way Jennie’s eyelashes curved upward, saw how chubby her cheeks were... it reminded her of dumplings.

Jennie looked back at her and for a moment everything stopped, Lisa found herself wishing time would stop for a little bit more. It was cliche, yes … but Lisa wanted it to last a bit longer. Lisa could… could feel her hot breath on her face, found herself getting lost into her dark brown eyes, pulling her deeper and deeper into this little blackhole that was making her chest flutter into little butterflies, begging to break free. 

Lisa wanted to lean in, but she pulls back instead. Afraid the butterflies would find a way to escape and let everyone know, including herself, the growing realization she had a crush on Kim Jennie. 

“You know … Rose and I could cut the tension in the air with this plastic knife.” Jisoo waved the plastic knife in the air.

Jennie pulled away the moment Jisoo and Rose laughed. Lisa wonders how she could keep a straight face, she swore she saw a hint of red on her cheeks a while ago, or was she imagining things?

“Getting a little too chummy?” Jisoo smiled.

“Reaching out for my food when I’m hungry does not make it _chummy_.” Jennie answered back curtly, putting extra emphasis on the last word. 

“It sure looked like you were.” Rose teased.

“Uhm… Jennie?”

“What?!” 

“Here…” Lisa slid her tray back, giving the shorter girl an apologetic smile. “Didn’t mean to make you mad.”

“It’s… it’s fine.” Lisa could hear the frustration in her voice, but she heard something else as well..

“Oh. Jennie’s being nice. This is new...” Rose gave Lisa a wink.

“I’m not, I’m being me. Anyway, what do you want?” 

Lisa’s afraid she might stutter from Jennie’s intense gaze, so she smiles widely instead and tries to mimic eating pad thai with chopsticks in the air.

_Nothing could go wrong with her not talking right?_

“Uh what are you doing?” 

_Well… maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all._

Lisa tries again, this time placing more emphasis on her movements. 

“Are we playing charades now?” Jisoo leaned against Rosie, resting her head on her shoulder. 

“When do you stop being annoying?…” Jennie said through gritted teeth, 

“Fine.. fine… you get riled up too easily. So have you thought about it?”

“About what?”

“Lunch..”

Lisa ignored the collective gasps of surprise from the other two across the table. 

“No, ask me again tomorrow.”

“You said the exact same thing yesterday!” This time Lisa couldn’t hide the exasperation. 

Jisoo and Rosie looked at them, left and right...left and right.

Jennie gave her a cryptic smile and shrugged her shoulders. 

“Jennie..”

“Just say yes and relieve her of her misery.” Rosie interjects. 

“Whose side are you on?” 

“Wait.” Jisoo sits up straighter “Lunch?”

“Uh yes, they’ve been talking about that for a while now Chu.” Rosie chuckles. 

“Yes, but isn’t this like a date? I mean Lisa is asking Mandu out for lunch right?”

“We’re literally here, in front of you. Stop talking as if we’re not here.” Jennie takes a sip from her water bottle, eyeing Jisoo the whole time. 

“I’m talking to Pasta, not you.”

“Uhh guys?”

“What?!” Lisa flinched, _did they have to ask that in unison?_

“Uhm.. I have to go…” Lisa stuttered. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

Lisa looked at her expectantly, waiting for a response. 

“Maybe…”

* * *

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Any plans on Friday?** **:)**

**L**

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/12/2017 01:29 PM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**I’m still thinking if I'm going to accept her offer for lunch.** **Why?**

**J**

Lisa groans in her chair, eyeing Leo, who was busy licking his paws.

“Hey… why don’t you be useful for once and help me out?”

Leo stops and stares at her with a weird look, his little pink tongue sticking out.

“What do I tell her?”

She picks him up from the table and snuggles him, making him push against her with her little chubby paws

“Do you think I should just go for it?”

Leo bit her in the nose, prompting her to let go. Leo landed on all fours and meowed before jumping back onto the table and licking his paw.

“Great, thanks buddy.” 

She knew she had something planned for Jennie on the same day, she needed to make up for what happened and for the mess that was last Monday night. So she made sure her evening was free...she knew just the thing for J though, and Lisa hoped she'd liked it.

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Wait lunch on Friday?**

**L**

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/12/2017 01:41 PM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Uhh… yes?**

**J**

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**I uh… forget about it…** **You should accept the offer, :) She wouldn’t annoy you if she didn’t like you.**

**L**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/12/2017 01:49 PM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**LOL. It’s just LUNCH …** **You’re acting as if she’s asking me on a date…** **Who said anything about her liking me?** **Why do you sound so jealous?**

**J**

Lisa felt her heart stop for a quick second before it pounded against her chest rapidly, so strongly, she had a hard time breathing. 

_Jea...jealous?_

_Was she that obvious?_

_Wait… why would she be? It’s not like she liked someone she met over some email exchange but…_

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Lunch on Friday** **Friday’s Valentine’s day.** **So why wouldn’t it be a date?**

**L**


	16. Cute Date, By the Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo my attempt at writing fluff... lol XD
> 
> If you want to hear the song Jennie sang in this chapter here's the link: https://youtu.be/ggbjFk04sm0

Jennie takes her time walking along the park, admiring the way sunlight danced on the snow covered pavement. Little splotches of yellow and white on stark gray. She pulls the collar of her coat closer using both hands and buries her chin deep into the messy layers of the scarf around her neck as a gust of wind ruffled through the trees, making fallen leaves flutter in its wake. 

She drags her steps, avoiding mounds of snow that piled up by the side of the walkway. Taking her time looking for the lone park bench by the southern end of the park. It’s not that she’s having a hard time finding it, she knows she will, just because she has a very good sense of direction and she was sure this was Lisa’s lame attempt to get back at her little stint back at that Thai resto. She takes her time… well because it allowed her to think. Think through the recent events in her life. If she thinks about it hard enough, right where she’s about to sleep, she cries. Thinks about it hard enough she finds herself staring at the ceiling as the lights are out. Stares at it long enough she starts seeing green spots, long enough she starts to get headaches from all the what-ifs. This though, was better. Walking through the empty parts of the park gave her the sense of privacy she needed and just the right silence that kept her company. The silence at her apartment was suffocating… this one was liberating. 

She goes over her phone notifs and see’s one for a new email from L.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/14/2017 11:19AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**Enjoy your little lunch date. :D**

**I get to take you away for dinner though, right?**

**No cheating, your last email you said yes…**

**L**

Jennie could feel the smile growing bigger and bigger as she finds all this amusing. 

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Hmmm… I’m not the type of person that breaks their word, so yes L… I’ll be there.**

**But tell me? How would you do all that dinner stunt when we’re not even meeting in person?**

**J**

She doesn’t want to sound rude, or grumpy, or anything bad for that matter. She was just curious… _and a little excited…_

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/14/2017 11:26AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**Haha it’s for me to know and for you to find out I guess?**

**Anyways... I’ll let whoever that is taking you out for lunch to entertain you today!**

**In case you wanna know (I know you don’t), and I’m a bit annoyed (just a tiiiny bit) you didn’t ask but I have plans for lunch today too!**

**Remember that person I told you about? I have something in store for her too… Looking forward to seeing her smile and hopefully to yours too!**

**L**

Jennie found the park bench Lisa told her about. It was made of metal, painted black to make it more resistant to the weather. It was old though... that most of the paint has peeled away. She sat and admired the ornate design, all the loops and curves of the armrest, as she tried to ignore the tightness in her chest from the last part of the email. 

“Didn’t know you’d find it this easily.” 

Jennie let out a small squeal.

“Didn’t know you scare so easily as well.” Lisa laughed, white plumes from the cold accenting her laughter. 

“How long were you standing there?”

“Oh… just long enough to see you smiling… then frowning over your phone over there.” she had that annoying wide grin on her face again.

“Anyways, I’m sorry for being a bit late… I had to take care of some things for tonight..” she was holding two cups of what seemed to be coffee, one she was offering to Jennie. “Here… in case you’re cold.”

“Coffee before lunch?” Jennie couldn’t help but arch her brows as she took the warm cup. It felt nice in her cold hands. Just warm enough to make her relax.

“Hot chocolate actually.”

Jennie was already taking a sip when Lisa answered, enjoying how the sweetness and the bitterness of the hot chocolate felt in her mouth. The cup was doing a very good job at keeping her warm and the drink itself doing an even better job for keeping her inner self warm.

“Like it?”

All Jennie could do was hum an appreciative response, nodding along as she gave Lisa a small smile. 

“Where are you taking me?” 

Lisa gave her a hand as she stood up. 

“Hmmm I wanted to bring you to my fave Thai resto, but I figured this one’s better.”

They walked towards the southern gate, their steps surprisingly in sync. Jennie liked how Lisa was slowing her pace in rhythm to her own. 

“So no Thai?” she takes another sip, _delicious._

“No… but I bet you’ll like this one just as much. I hope..”

Lisa looks at her and scrunches her nose as she smiled.

“Surprise me then.”

* * *

They’ve been walking in comfortable silence along the empty streets for quite a while. An occasional ‘are you fine’ from Lisa and her own ‘yeah’ kept them from turning that comfortable silence to an awkward one. 

Lisa gestured for them to take a left at the end of the corner.

They stopped in front of what looked to be a diner.

“So burgers and fries?” Jennie couldn’t hide the scoff that followed

“Yeah.” Lisa only laughed. “Come on.”

It looked very retro inside. Everything was in a shade of bubblegum pink, and neon lights gave the interior that soft glow. A huge jukebox was nestled in the corner near the counter.

“I’ve loved this place ever since I moved here. Living alone can get a bit lonely so I spent most of my afternoons here.”

“Singing along?” Jennie added jokingly as she followed Lisa towards an empty booth. 

They both plopped opposite each other. Jennie chuckled at how the sofa bounced. 

“Yes, i do actually.”

A teenager probably working part time approached them with a warm smile, placing worn out menus in front of them. 

“Hey there So-mi, no class today?” Lisa gave her a huge smile, wiggling her eyebrows. 

“Hey Liz, classes ended early. Cute date by the way.” she laughed at Lisa’s flushed face as she left the both of them alone. 

“I...look… she was just…”

Jennie just laughed, awkward Lisa was cute.

“I’d like a cheeseburger with lots of bacon and jumbo fries, and a strawberry milkshake.” She found herself in a good mood, Lisa seemed to have that effect on her today. 

She chuckled at how the taller girl squirmed and tried to clear her throat. 

“That sounds great. I’ll order then?” 

Jennie nods and calls for So-mi’s attention.

“Ready?” the teenager glides to their table, she looked quite pretty in the hideous pink striped uniform. Everything seemed to be in a sickening shade of pink. 

Lisa smiles and nods, if looks could kill ...Lisa's glare could only graze and that made Jennie laugh all the more. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Noth...nothing…” Jennie tried her best to stifle the laugh 

“You have really good taste in women.” So-mi remarked.

“She’s just a friend.” Lisa’s ears were beginning to turn red. 

Jennie just gave So-mi a wink, to which the younger girl answered with a smile

“What will your orders be?”

“Uhhh.. I’ll have the Chili dog with the chips and chocolate shake and she’ll have the cheeseburger. We’ll add bacon on to that --”

“Lots of bacon.” Jennie interrupted

“Lots of bacon? Gotcha…”

“And uh… jumbo fries and strawberry milkshake for her.”

“Copy, I’ll be back in ten minutes with your orders. I’ll leave you be lovebirds.”

Jennie allowed the laugh to escape, holding on to her stomach as she gasped for air. 

“Cut it out.” Lisa’s face was contorted in a pout. 

“Fine fine… you’re no fun.”

“Says the one who’s always grumpy. Wanna sing?”

“I don’t sing…”

“Oh come on?.. Just one song?”

Jennie looks at Lisa’s inviting hand, and her warm smile. For a bit she stalls and considers the offer. It’s been awhile since she sang. She doesn’t see herself as someone very good but she knows she can carry a tune. 

“I’m not really good…”

“Well.. so am I!” Lisa jumps off the sofa and pulls Jennie up along with her. Dragging them over to the jukebox. “Just one song…please?”

There it was again, that slight tug in her chest. It starts out real slow… Like dripping water from a loosely closed faucet, slow constant drips. Then it spreads down her finger to her toes, sending little explosions along the way, enough to tickle her into smiling and nodding along to whatever it was Lisa was mumbling as she surfed through the choices. 

“Anything that catches your interest?”

Now she thought the Jukebox would only play songs, she realized now that it was a karaoke machine, designed to look like a retro jukebox to fit the diner’s aesthetics

Jennie goes over the list and she sees something she hasn’t sung in quite a while. 

“This one.”

Lisa drops a coin and enters the number, she looks back at Jennie with a smile. For a moment Jennie sees the stars and the galaxies in the way she looked at her with the softest expression, looking away just in time before the flutters in her stomach climbs into her chest.

The music starts off slow, and Lisa takes this opportunity to hand her the mic. 

The first few verses of the song were left unsung, as she fiddled with the mic. There was something in the way Lisa was looking at her that was making her a flustered mess. _Really Jennie?_

“Don’t be shy!”

Lisa takes a hold of her hand and shares the mic with her, pulling her close as their foreheads touched. 

_“And I thank God I'm alive_ _You're just too good to be true”_

Lisa’s voice sounded sweet and childlike. It reminded her of untainted youth, the days where she’d run through their backyard, playing beneath the sun. Reminded her of daisies…

_“Can't take my eyes off you..”_

Lisa’s stare lingered a second longer and Jennie finds herself trying to keep the somersaults in her chest from taking over. 

_What the hell is happening Jennie Ruby Jane Kim?_

Lisa tugs at her hands and wiggles her butt, swaying her body along with the beat. Wriggling her eyebrows mischievously. 

Jennie feels lighter, much much lighter than before. She holds onto Lisa’s wrist, and pulls the mic closer bringing Lisa towards her. This time Jennie finds her voice.

_“Pardon the way that I stare_

_There's nothing else to compare_

_The sight of you leaves me weak_

_There are no words left to speak”_

Lisa gives her a smile, but there was something behind it that felt different… 

She takes Jennie’s hand and twirls her around, finally finding themselves dancing goofily along with the song.

_“But if you feel like I feel_

_Please let me know that is real_

_You're just too good to be true_

_I can't take my eyes off you”_

Lisa continues the verse, laughing most of the lyrics as she gave Jennie a wink right where she sang the last line. 

Jennie couldn’t help but giggle and wiggle her shoulders to the instrumental break before the chorus, Lisa hyping her up as she twirled Jennie the second time around. 

_“I love you baby_

_And if it's quite all right_

_I need you baby_

_To warm the lonely nights_

_I love you baby_

_Trust in me when I say”_

She twirled and twirled…

_“Oh pretty baby…_

Lisa’s laughter felt fresh and nostalgic at the same time...

_Don't bring me down I pray_

It made her feel happy and sad, cold and warm at the same time..

_Oh pretty baby_

Making her think of the good kind of regret, something that made Jennie long for another chance, another shot at life...

_Now that I've found you stay_

Lisa’s laughter kept her at that peak, that sweet sweet high...

_And let me love you, baby_

It’s like...

_Let me love you”_

Lisa has stopped twirling her around, making her land against her in a soft “oomf”. Lisa’s warm hands wrapped around her in a soft cocoon, making Jennie close her eyes. For a brief moment it felt like home. She relaxed against her, taking in Lisa’s scent of lilies...

“Uhm.. sorry to interrupt the both of you, but uhm,,, food’s ready.” So-mi had an awkward apologetic look as she gestured to their table where their orders were laid out. 

Jennie thinks..

_It’s like…_

_Lisa’s laugh was like..._

_Saying “I love you” in so many different ways…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PART 2 coming up tomorrow :D


	17. Learning to Walk Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 up tomorrow - wouldn't want you guys to miss out on the dinner right?

Jennie stays silent as she played with her fries. It’s been a long time since she had something this fun happen in her life and it was like learning how to walk all over again. It was a feeling so new and foreign, she was having a hard time knowing how to react. Should she talk? Should she smile? What? What was she supposed to do? 

“Hey… do you not like the food here?” 

Jennie doesn’t look up, not wanting to see her doe-like eyes and be too tongue-tied so she shakes her head instead and takes a huge bite off of the cheeseburger. If she wasn’t so confused and embarrassed and awkward, she’d be honest and thank Lisa for introducing her to this place; _the food was great!_

_So is she, right?_

“We could always find another one to eat at you know, if you don’t like it here or..”

“It’s great … really.” Jennie takes a fry and dunks it in her milkshake, swirling it in the ice cream infused drink before taking a bite.

Lisa doesn’t answer for a while, which made her peek. Just a brief glance from her red straw to the taller girl opposite her and back to her drink. She feels herself blushing when she saw Lisa was eyeing her curiously. 

“Can I try that?”

“Try what?”

“What you did with the french fry”

She could hear humor in her voice. 

“Sure, I mean... no one’s stopping you from trying.”

“Maybe fear.”

“What?”

“Maybe fear and …” Lisa takes a long french fry from her side of the table, surprising her when she dunks it in her own strawberry drink and swirls it around slowly. Stopping for a second and swirled it around in the opposite direction. Jennie tries her best to keep her gaze on the straw, as Lisa takes her time to tap it against the brim of the cup, flicking away anything in excess to prevent the french fry from sogging up. “Not wanting to leave that comfort zone… If I think about it, trust also plays a big factor… and maybe… control too…”

Jennie looks up at Lisa who was munching on the french fry, a huge grin on her face.

_She was always grinning, what’s new?_

“What does that have to do with eating french fries and dipping it in milkshakes?” She furrows her brow in annoyance and confusion. Sometimes Lisa speaks in a way that was too confusing for her to follow. 

“It doesn’t have anything to do with both…”

“Then why are you --”

“It’s more about you trying out new things Jen... “

The way her voice lowered to a whisper and the implications of what she said made Jennie squirm. 

“Trying out new things could be fun, don’t you think? Whatever it is that’s holding you ba--”

“Do you always stick your nose into other peoples’ shit?” Jennie winced at the venom in her voice. She doesn’t mean to, it was like reflex to her. Her own shitty defense mechanism when people start peeking into the little cracks in her walls. 

“Only with people I care about…” 

There was more than sadness in her voice and Jennie hates how she sucks at reading other people’s emotions. Years of being too self-absorbed and years of drowning in self loathe can do that to you. 

Lisa reaches out, Jennie sees her hand out of the corner of her eye. Stopping midway as if contemplating, and Jennie braces herself for the touch.

But she doesn't. 

Lisa reaches out for her glass instead, drawing little circles and tracing the droplets on the surface. 

"I hope I didn't piss you off as much." 

Jennie doesn't answer. She sits there mesmerized by the steady rhythm in her chest. She breaks eye contact with Lisa’s hands and looks straight into her eyes. Light brown flecks on dark hazelnut, trying to read the way Lisa was looking at her. She tries and tries. Seeing traces of sadness, a hint of curiosity, a whole lot of sincerity and something … something behind her gaze that bathes Jennie with a certain kind of warmth, like a blanket wrapped around her, like a… like a hug. 

“You’re not.” 

Lisa smiles at her widely, that _something_ overpowering the happiness and Jennie almost sees it break free but Lisa looks away and puts on her coat. Drapes her brown lapeled coat, and fixes her bangs before looking back at with a grin

“I want to show you something else.”

* * *

The afternoon was hazy, making everything look duller; the sky, the streets and even the colorful shops. 

“It’s not too far from here.” 

Jennie just nods, somehow thankful Lisa knows when to break the silence. 

Lisa slowed her pace and stood in front of her, making Jennie stop. 

“Can you close your eyes?”

Jennie tries not to glare at her. 

“Don’t worry I’ll guide you till we get there. You can trust me..”

_Trust…_

_Was she capable of that?_

“I’ll walk real slow and I’ll talk you through every obstacle. I promise…”

Lisa looks at her expectantly, and Jennie… 

_Promises are made for the sole purpose of being broken…_

She shakes her head to get rid of the stupid voice, maybe… Lisa was right about trying new things…

“Is that a no?”

“Yes!” Jennie answers too quickly, only realizing that Lisa thought it meant her saying yes to.. Well.. saying no..”No… Not no-no, it’s me saying yes to you know..”

Lisa chuckles and holds out her hand

“I get it…” Jennie takes it and looks at Lisa, sort of lost. “Close your eyes and I’ll tell you if we encounter anything along the way. Okay?” 

She nods and does what she’s told. 

The darkness wasn’t new to her, if anything it felt like a friend. Jennie has spent years in the dark… she doesn’t tell anyone but she knows she’d been broken even before the incident. She jumps at the sudden thought. It’s been a while since she thought about what happened that night and she was expecting the same tightness in her chest to come back, anticipating it to come back full force. _But it doesn’t…_ It was nothing more than a dull throb in her heart, a dull throb that gradually spreads through her chest and makes her feel heavy. 

“We’re almost there okay? Just focus on my hand and my voice. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.” 

Lisa’s voice cut through the stark darkness, and pulls her through. She feels her slightly tug at her hand, squeezing it gently. It wasn’t much but it allowed Jennie to ward off the heaviness, just enough for the same light feeling she had back in the diner when they were singing to come back. Washing her with enough light to fight off the growing darkness inside her. 

_Sunshine…_

“We’re here!” 

Jennie smiles at the excitement in Lisa’s voice and opens her eyes. 

**BP ARCADE**

**Where Fun is Always Constant**

The sign board looked newly repainted, it doesn’t hide the fact the way some of the letter lights flickered, almost out. 

Lisa pulls on her hand and Jennie finds herself laughing.

“An arcade? This is your big surprise?”

“Yes, I bet I can beat you at all of the games though.”

“You wish…” 

* * *

Lisa lets out a sound somewhere between a snort and a sigh. 

“You’re cheating!” she drops the ball back into the pit as the timer hits 00. 

“Nah.. you’re just bad at basketball.” Jennie smirks, waiting for the basketball machine to finish spitting out the tickets. 

“I demand a re-match.” Lisa was stomping her feet like a big baby. 

“You’ve been saying that for the fifth time and yet… you still lose.”

“Come on then, lets play that one! I’ll win this one for sure.”

“Like I said Lisa, you wish.” 

Jennie follows Lisa who sprinted off to a shooting game. The arcade machine had big screen, and two pistols attached -- one black and the other pink. The screen showed a glimpse of the gameplay, zombies popping up from the sides of the screen as the player walks throughout a haunted house. 

_Great…_

Jennie flinches as a scary looking zombie jumps from out of nowhere and a huge “House of Death” logo comes up on screen, a blinking “1 PLAYER” and “2 PLAYERS” beneath the logo dripping with blood. 

“Scared?”

“No, of course not.”

“Yeah right…” Lisa laughs as she drops two tokens into the slot and picking up the black pistol from its holster. “Come on! It’s starting!”

She shoots a couple of zombies who ran to their characters, wasting her first magazine on the first zombie. Jennie stands there frozen, _okay.. This is just a game._ Another zombie appears and this time Jennie jumps and squeals. A heart is deducted from her side of the screen. 

“Come on scaredy cat! You’re going to lose!” Lisa laughs

“But we’re playing together! Not against each other!” She scrambles to pick up the pink pistol and blindly shoots at anything on the screen, not really hitting anything.

“First one who dies, loses. You’re wasting your bullets! Reload! Reload!” Lisa jumps up and down, making Jennie panic as another zombie runs after her. She screams and shuts her eyes, Lisa laughs. Making Jennie peek through her left eye. 

_She still has 4 hearts._

“Got it for you.” Lisa smiles triumphantly, huffing her chest. “Shoot the gun away from the screen to reload. Now come on.” 

Jennie shoots away from the screen and sees the magazine fill. She stands awkwardly, keeping as much distance from the screen as possible and squints her eyes making her see next to nothing. She doesn’t care, and shoots blindly at the screen. 

“Jennie! Jennie! To your left!” 

Jennie jumps from the sound of a screaming zombie, accidentally throwing the pistol away and scrambling to Lisa who hugged her. She tried to even out her breathing and relaxed as she felt Lisa’s hands on her back. Massaging the tension away. 

“Hey… hey it’s fine… It’s just a game Jen…”

Lisa cooed and whispers it again and again. Slowly making Jennie relax. She realizes how they’re hugging in the middle of the arcade, with kids not older than twelve were looking at them curiously. She pushes her away and see “game over” blink at the screen. 

“I’m …. I’m sorry… “ Jennie looks away, 

“It’s fine, It was a lousy game anyways.” Lisa caressed her left arm. It sent little shockwaves along the length of her arm making her look back. “Wanna try a different one?”

Lisa smiles and Jennie finds herself suddenly breathless.

“Ye..yeah.”

* * *

Jennie couldn’t stop laughing. Tears were beginning to cloud her eyes and she doubled over, trying her best to gasp for air. 

Lisa laughed along as she held onto the rails of the Dance Dance Revolution machine. Jennie couldn’t help but laugh at the awkward way Lisa was sticking her legs out, never in tune with the dropping arrows on the screen. 

“For a da..dance Inshtruc..shtruc.” She gasps, choking on air as she laughed again. “Instructor...you ...you suck!” 

Lisa jumps off of the platform, the song never reached the end (She had far too many misses). 

“It’s not my fault I have such long legs” 

“You should’ve seen yourself!” Jennie tried to balance herself as another wave of laughter shakes her. 

“I guess you win this round too.”

Jennie breathes long and hard. Trying to rid herself of the laughing fit. 

“What next?”

Lisa doesn’t answer her, she gives Jennie a wink and pulls her by the wrist. 

Jennie takes note of the weird way her heart quivers whenever Lisa touches her. Trying to make sense of the warm feeling in her stomach, of the way her breath would hitch whenever Lisa smiled. 

Lisa pulls her and guides her through a wave of teenagers who were laughing at their friend losing to a kid in tekken. They shoved a bit too hard and Jennie flushes from how Lisa shielded her. 

They walked through the near empty part of the arcade, where all the claw machines can be found. 

“What’re we doing here?”

Lisa shrugs her shoulders and slides a token into one of the machines filled with little brown teddy bears. 

She bends over and frowns in concentration as she tries to maneuver the claw. She pressed the big red button and down it goes, extending and closing in on a bear ear, it goes up bringing the bear along but it wasn't good enough as the bear slides out of its grasp.

Lisa tries again.

And again

And again

And again for the twelfth time, each attempt much closer to success than the last one.

“Okay… I’ll definitely get it this time around.” Jennie could barely hear her whisper to herself. 

Lisa almost kicks the machine in frustration as the bears falls back into the sea of teddy bears.

“Why don’t we try another game?”

“No! I’ll get it this time!”

Lisa slides another token and bites her lower lip. Claw goes down, clamps over a bear head and goes up. Sliding all the way to the far end before dropping it into the small hole. 

Jennie finds herself chuckling at the little dance and jump Lisa made before crouching over to pick up the bear

“Here.” 

Lisa holds out the bear in her hands with a huge grin.

“Someone to chase your problems away.”

Jennie finds the tears flowing and Lisa’s arms wrapped around her. 

“You don’t have to… I…”

“You don’t have to put your walls down Jennie, and even if you do… it doesn’t make you weak. Keep the bear, he’ll keep you company at night. Someone to chase the nightmares and pain away.”

“How do you kn--”

“Did you have fun today?” Lisa had let her go, and Jennie hated admitting she longed for the warmth and comfort it gave her. 

“Yeah… I guess..”

“Great! Then does that mean we’re friends?”

“Don’t keep your hopes up.” 

Something flashes in Lisa’s eyes before it’s replaced by a smile. 

“Would a third date change your mind then?”

“This isn’t a date Lisa…”

Lisa laughs “Happy Valentine’s Jennie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whole 3 chapters will be in Jennie's POV - Lisa will be back after :) Have a great day ahead!


	18. Closer to Her Heart

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/14/2017 04:59PM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Sorry… I got caught up a bit this afternoon. So here’s the plan,**

**Take the bus over to 3rd Avenue, and walk up to the waiting shade by the bus stop. I left a little something hidden down the lower left corner, I won’t tell you what it is exactly. You would have to look for it yourself (because if I do, it would totally defeat the whole purpose of this.)**

**L**

The soft fur of the little brown bear in her arms felt nice. Jennie kept on running her fingers over the fur as she scanned the worn out map of the city that covered most of the waiting shade. The corners were beginning to turn yellow. It was huge, and she had to crouch to get a better view of the lower left corner.

_Great…_

All Jennie could see was the torn up edges of the map, little jagged edges that was caked with dust. She looked up and down, left and right and couldn’t, even if her life depended on it, see anything that was out of place or anything that looked quite off. 

“Why do I even bother?” Jennie had to sigh her irritation away. 

She tries again. This time she runs her fingers over the surface of the map, tracing the red lines used to identify the bus routes. She reaches the ends and the torn edges felt comforting, it somehow made Jennie feel she wasn’t so alone. Maybe... because it reminded her of herself. 

She takes her time and traces the routes back towards the bottom part and feels something beneath the surface. She shakes her head, smiling …

_Why didn’t she notice this a while ago?_

This side of the map wasn’t as dusty as the rest, the edges wasn’t sticking to the wall and upon closer inspection she could see something white sticking out from underneath. She takes it out slowly, careful not to rip the map.

A small smile begins to grow on her face. 

_J,_

_Hey… so second time seeing my handwriting huh?_

_Just a little something that you can keep with you … to remind you that someone cares and that you’re not that alone in life._

_Walk along towards the end of 5th ave, there’s this little shop called “Chester’s”. Go inside and tell them you’re looking for Woozi…_

_L_

The red ink made Jennie smile, somehow the color made the letters stand out more in the night. She didn’t have the energy to admire L’s handwriting the first time, her eyes were too clouded by tears back then. This time she commits it to memory, carefully going over the way L looped her l’s, and the careless way she writes her s...something about the way she wrote it made Jennie think she does it without much thought. 

Jennie brings the silver necklace closer to where the lights were much brighter. The pendant was adorned with little diamonds that sparkled beneath the yellow light. She chuckles at L’s choice, somehow the pendant looked like a “J”, but it also looked like a “L” from a certain angle. 

_Clever…_

She wears it around her neck and allowed herself to relish how the cold silver felt against her skin, making her shiver. The necklace was long enough for the pendant to stay hidden, much closer to where her heart was. She cuddles the bear closer, allowing the pendant to bury into her skin, silently wanting it to make an indention against her heart. 

* * *

Chester’s turned out to be a chocolate shop, Jennie figured that one out when she saw heart shaped boxes filled with fake chocolates adorning the shop’s window display along with a huge “Valentine's Special” banner.

There were a lot of people inside, most of which were men who were busy looking for the perfect box of chocolate to woo their lover with. _How typical and clichéd._ Jennie scans the inside and catches the eye of the person by the register. 

“How can I help you?” He had bright blonde hair that fell over his forehead, long enough for the ends to graze his eyebrows, which was also dyed the same color. 

Jennie sees his nametag: Lee Jihoon. 

“Are you looking to grab a box? We have a special valentine’s offer. Everything is being sold for 50% cheaper than the original price. You can browse our catalog here for more options”

“I’m looking for Woozi?” 

He smiles widely, eyes turning into slits and making him look like a smiling bear cub. 

“Are you J?”

Jennie was a bit taken aback, she was expecting this to happen but she still finds it weird for other people to call her just “J”, and the fact that strangers were expecting her. 

“Uhhh yes,”

“Give me one sec.” He holds up his pointer finger in the air as he looks for something beneath the counter. 

“Here,” He was holding a small box with a pretty gold ribbon. “A pretty box of chocolate for a pretty girl like you.”

Jennie wanted to roll her eyes, but he looked so nice and sweet that she smiled instead and took the box from him. 

“Oh and here…” He hands out a white envelope that looks exactly like the one she had in her back pocket. 

_J,_

_Howdy!_

_I know… I know… chocolates on Valentine’s day is overrated but you deserve something sweet and plus you know how chocolates release those feel good hormones? *wink wink*_

_My favorite place is just close by and I want to show it to you. After you leave Chester’s, take a little stroll till you reach 13th street. There shouldn’t be that much people there even though it’s Valentine’s day today :( (it’s an underrated place…) Take the forest path and follow the trail._

_There’s this lake along the way, take a right -- there’s an old pathway (the trail’s so old it’s not that easy to find -- there should be a pile of rocks which I placed there a couple of months ago to help me before, just look for that.)_

_L_

* * *

The night breeze was making her breath come out in white plumes, she’d been walking for some time now and she was _surprisingly_ finding the walk therapeutic. There were lights that made the forest alight with that magical glow, and Jennie found herself walking closer to the trees. She never liked strong scents, it gave Jennie a headache, which is why she liked winter. It smelled faint, muted and much less intense. The cold numbing your senses and she liked that, like how everything was an underpowered version of themselves. It was faint enough that it paled in comparison to the other seasons. Jennie thinks that if sadness had a scent, she knew it would smell like winter, reminding you of the things that were long forgotten and things that were well.. unwanted, she supposed. 

The moon looked prettier against the lake’s surface. Everything looked prettier on the lake’s surface… even her own reflection. There was something in the way the still waters illuminated everything in that light bluish hue that made things looked more breathtaking, more serene. 

Jennie looked around, for the damn pile of rocks L was referring to in her note. She takes a right as instructed and finds the pile of rocks just a couple of feet away from her.

“Oomf!” Jennie found herself losing her balance as she bumped into someone who stopped in front of her, the brown teddy bear bouncing off along with her as she falls on her ass.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” 

Jennie had to bite her lower lip to stop herself from lashing out. She could see he had a kind face and smiling eyes which would just make her feel guilty. 

“It’s fine..” she takes his offered hand and dusts off some snow off of her pants, and scrambling to pick up Nini -- _yup she named the damn bear._

“I was uh… waiting for someone here.” The boy ran his hands through his hair and gave her a lopsided smile.

Jennie just nods and walks toward the rocks, looking for the beaten path.

“Hey! Wait!” 

Jennie looks back and sees the same boy running after her waving what seemed to be the same white envelope above his head. 

“Are you J?” 

She eyes him curiously before nodding. 

“A very pretty lady asked me to give you this.” 

She takes the envelope and frowns.

“How long ago was that?”

“Uhhh thirty minutes ago I think?” 

Jennie takes a deep breath to calm her nerves, if she did things a little faster she would’ve had the time to catch up to L and…

_What? Say hi?_

“She … told me to tell you not to open it until you reach the peak and uhhh to give you this as well.”

He handed her a single yellow rose.

* * *

Jennie looks over the city, saw the sea of city lights mirror the stars from the sky. The view was even more beautiful from where she sat. The blanket was placed beneath a huge tree where white Christmas lights were strewn between the leaves and branches making them look like fireflies from afar. The moon was so bright, she thinks the candles inside the little cups were far too much but she likes it anyway, they smell so good and it made her think of warm nights snuggled in bed. Jennie smiles through the glass of red wine. She even loved the pasta alfredo and the chicken that came with it inside the picnic basket. 

She settles against the tree and runs her fingers over the wax seal on the last envelope she received from the boy she bumped into early in the night. A loopy looking J was written at the back using the same red ink that the other letters were written with. 

She tries to break the seal, but decides against it. It looked far too pretty to be destroyed, so she rips the side instead, careful not to rip the letter inside along with it. 

_J,_

_This is going to sound sappy and cringey and very very embarrassing… but I think you need this, or maybe I’m just an assuming idiot._

_You know how people talk a lot about love and happiness and how the two are in some way or another always tied up together? How movies and books talk about the curious ways love made people feel, made people become a better version of themselves? How it drives away the pain, and the darkness, and everything that’s bad in this world?_

_I think you know what I mean… you’ve been in love right? Been through that sweet ride of happiness and excitement? But I also know how much love broke you, how much that same love hurt you, and made you think so lowly of yourself and the world._

_You’ve been through so much, been through that stupid darkness that consumes, that eats away hope. Seen all the ugliness the world and life could offer, been through pain over and over again until it breaks you, until it takes away your smile and laughter._

_Why and what even am I even rambling about here… but you get the point right? About how there are those who think love opens the door to happiness and sometimes how happiness makes way for love? And then there are those scarred by love and the elusive thoughts of happiness they hate it too much?_

_Well…_

_I guess what I want to point out is that love and happiness are indeed tied together, but both are also in some way connected to everything that’s ugly… and that’s what makes it beautiful right?_

_You’ll never learn how to appreciate how important, how beautiful love and happiness can be without going through so much pain… and you’ll never know how much pain can teach you if you’ve never been hurt by love or happiness. All of them makes you a better person, and I hope you realize that. Accept that fact._

_You may have made mistakes before, mistakes you think make you so unlovable and broken that no amount of love or happiness can put you back together the way you used to be. But...maybe, and I’ve thought about this for some nights now… You were never intended to be what you were, because the one you are right now is far more beautiful._

_Don’t ask me why, I could fill another 2 pages why I think you are and I haven’t even met you in person. You..are..beautiful. So so beautiful J that I wish you’d love yourself more and see that too…_

_Now, I know you’re already thinking about the scars, and all the other bad things…_

_But let me tell you a secret, scars are the prettiest. They tell stories… they paint pictures of what you’ve been through… scars show how strong of a person you are._

_Everyone deserves love and happiness in their life J…._

_You deserve that most from yourself._

_Love every part of you that’s jagged, every part of you that’s torn up and sewn back, every bit of you that’s shattered...._

_And happiness?_

_We’re too blinded, too addicted to it that we’ve taught ourselves to run after it. We're taught to chase after it all our lives, when all we ever needed was to slow down. Slow down enough to enjoy life and for us to realize happiness has been the one chasing us after all._

_If happiness doesn’t come now, slow down and look back. Happiness will catch up with you soon enough :)_

_Xoxo_

_LM_

Jennie tries her best to read through the tears, every drop seem to take away the weight inside her. Some of the tears had messed up the ink on the paper and she cries even more. 

She holds onto the pendant against her chest and cries out a sorry …

To Irene..

To Jisoo and Rosie 

To Lisa

To everyone who was thrown outside her walls and to everyone she’d kept outside.

She says sorry and she feels a little bit better.

She says sorry over and over again 

She says sorry one last time, but she couldn’t find the strength to say it to the most important person she desperately wants forgiveness from…

Herself.

She takes a deep breath and leans back into the tree…

Maybe… someday… when she finds herself slowing down, slows down enough for happiness to catch up she’d be able to say sorry to herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think of Jennie's Valentines day?


	19. If Happiness Had a Face

She stares at the little circles but mostly splotches of sunlight against her skin as it filtered in through her closed window. She tries to trace over the little patterns, trying to make sense of their shapes and making up pictures in her head. It had been raining last night and Lisa would be lying if she said she didn’t miss the sun. She’d been spending more time in front of her laptop than actual work around her apartment, and does she regret that choice? _Maybe… maybe not…._

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/16/2017 07:02AM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Sorry I’ve been away for a day…**

**Everything’s just overwhelming and… how do I say this… what I meant was… is that I’m finding it hard to say thank you. For … for everything. For knowing what to do and… for, I don’t know? Always knowing what to say? And for the dinner and the gifts, I guess? This whole shit is making me feel awkward I can’t…**

**J**

Lisa looked at the email again, she’d been waiting for one since yesterday and her empty inbox made her agitated. It wasn’t nice feeling on the edge for the whole day, worrying if you’ve crossed a line or if you did something wrong or… 

_She was anxious okay?_

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**You don't have to y’know... say thank you and all. You deserve all of that, and maybe even more. I feel like a broken record for repeating the same thing over and over again**

**You...deserve...everything**

**Everyone does**

**in one way or another, and in some form or another.**

**p.s .**

**You’re welcome. How did you like my favorite place though?**

**L**

Lisa’s reply had been sitting in her drafts the whole morning. Leo had been looking at her with a judging look, which didn’t help. If anything, it only made her palms clammy and herself jumpy. She made a few revisions and sent the one she was most pleased with -- the one that was shorter and more concise? 

_Yeah… the one that was less emotional, but Lisa would never admit that._

The shrill ring of her phone caught her off guard, making her jump and for Leo to dash under her bed. 

“Lisa?”

“Hey Hoshi! Am I in trouble?” Lisa moved towards the kitchen, rummaging the cabinets for a clean bowl and a box of cereal.

“No.” his chuckle made Lisa smile. “We’re having this annual event. This is something YG does every year with the whole staff and students and I forgot to inform you about it yesterday.”

She stayed silent, allowing Hoshi to continue.

_Was there still chocolate milk left in the fridge? She forgot when she last went out for groceries. Would cereal taste weird if she ate it without milk?_

“Lisa? Are you there?”

_Oops…_

“Yeah, yeah… go on, I’m listening.”

Lisa almost yelled but remembered she was on the phone with her boss, so she does a little victory dance instead. She wasn’t really expecting to find a half empty bottle of chocolate milk hidden behind cartons of chinese left over take outs in her otherwise, almost empty fridge. 

“Okay, great… So as I was saying we’re going to hold this Adopt-a-Pet event tomorrow at Greendale Park. You’re assigned over at the puppy and dog section…”

Lisa nods absentmindedly, she had trouble paying attention to details when she’s multitasking.

“Lisa?”

“Still here…” She pours the fruit loops and chocolate milk into the bowl, taking mental notes 

_Groceries…_

_Adopt-a-pet…_

_Wait…._

“Adopt-a-Pet?!” She couldn’t hide the smile along with the excitement in her voice as she jumps up and down. 

“Yes Lisa… Have you been listening the whole time?” She laughs at the frustration in Hoshi’s voice, if they were talking face to face she knows he would be shaking his head, with his hands on his hips. 

“Of course… of course… but do you know if we can get to adopt pets too?” She’d been thinking of getting another cat, someone to keep Leo company and maybe make him less grumpy. 

“I don’t see any reason why we can’t.” Hoshi laughed. 

“What time does it start?”

Fruit loops and chocolate milk tasted weird. 

“It’s a whole day event and would probably open at eight in the morning, be there at around seven.”

“Gotcha!”

_Yup… fruit loops and chocolate milk taste like drowning down kiddie medicine with chocolate milk…._

“I’ll see you tomorrow then?” 

“Yup!”

“Bye Lisa.”

The line went dead even before she could say goodbye back…

She swirls the rainbow loops around, watching the surface of the milk bubble as they slowly sog up making them squishy. She liked it best when the cereal was squishy, it felt nicer on her tongue that way. 

She sees the screen of her phone light up, making her light up in the process.

**Notification:**

**You’ve got (1) mail.**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**Read now | Delete**

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/16/2017 09:48AM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Still… I find it hard enough to wrap my head around this whole deserving concept.**

**Anyways something fun is happening tomorrow that I’m looking forward to very much, hope it turns out great.**

**You have a great day L**

**J**

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Looking forward to something big tomorrow too! Talk about coincidence huh?**

**You too J… enjoy it!**

**L**

* * *

It wasn’t too cold and it wasn’t too hot, just the way she liked it. She’d had her usual cup of hot chocolate to chase away thoughts that made her sleepy. 

_She hates coffee, or anything bitter for that matter. A big baby? Yes._

Winter was coming to a close, and it was snowing less and less. Stark white giving way to restless green. The kind that made you want to move, bright green of all shades that made you want to dance, take walks beneath the trees, or lounge around outside. Enough to make you breathe in the scents of flowers that lingered in the air along with the scent of freshly mown grass and morning fog. 

Greendale Park was… to put it mildly, packed. With moving people, and the sound of shuffling feet on grass, muted enough that you’d barely notice it against the cacophony of animal sounds that rose up to greet the sun. It was music to Lisa. 

She made her way to their tent, seeing Hoshi waving at her from afar. His pink hair and hamster like smile making him stand out against a sea of people.

“Lisa! Lisa! Over here!”

The tent was big, stretching as far out as it can from all sides keeping the puppies and dogs inside safe from the glare of the sun, and warm enough from the slight winter breeze that wafted in every once in a while. 

“Hey Hoshi!”

He was wearing a green collared shirt that had a big “Lucky Me, Lucky You.” in yellow and an animal paw right under it with an “ADOPT ME” in big bold letters. 

“Nice shirt.” Lisa gives him a wink

“Thanks, here’s yours.” He was giving her a big smirk along with the same shirt her size. “And take this too. You can go around and talk to anyone who’s thinking of adopting and let them fill out those forms. After that, just direct them over to that big tent up front to finish up everything and they should be good to go.” 

“Can I play with them too?”

Hoshi’s laugh made her smile.

“Of course Lisa, you most definitely can. Now remember the more animals that get adopted the better, okay? I need to run off to the kitten section, I’ll leave everything here to you,” 

Lisa tried to take note of everything he said in her mind, it was hard keeping up when she’s already walking up to a baby Lab looking at her with expectant eyes.

“Hey there boy… who’s a good boy? You are… ”

Lisa ran her fingers through his soft fur as he wagged his tail, attacking her hand with a tirade of puppy kisses, giving her hand that much needed puppy bath. 

“You’re a good boy…”

* * *

Lisa has said her hellos to all of the dogs and puppies in her care, circling through the tent the moment Hoshi left her and a couple of staff from the same department as hers alone. She has said goodbye to five puppies and three dogs all of which gave her face kisses before running off to chase after their new owners. 

If happiness had a face, Lisa was sure it was a smiling dog or puppy. Face alight with so much unconditional love. 

She was carrying a dachshund puppy in her arms who she fondly named “hotdog”, _so unoriginal right?_ The noon heat inside the tent was beginning to get the best of her that her bangs were starting to stick together, clumping close to her eyes. Hotdog was a squirmer and she struggled to keep him from jumping off so she held on with both hands, leaving her no choice but to blow on her bangs to keep them from her eyes. 

Lisa leaned into the touch. She wasn’t really expecting to, but her cold fingertips felt nice against her own warm skin. Closing her eyes at the way her fingers grazed, keeping her bangs of off her eyes and tucking in stray hair behind her left ear. Lisa thinks she was imagining things but she swore she kept her hands on face a second longer than she should. 

“You should really think of getting rid of your bangs. You look prettier.” Jennie’s hoarse voice pulled her back into reality. 

_Bummer._

Lisa took a step back, she was so used to seeing hostility in Jennie’s eyes that she was still finding it to be a new experience every time Jennie looked at her with a soft expression. 

“I uh… think it’s better if I have them on.”

“You suck at making decisions.” The smirk was back and Lisa felt relieved. Dealing with grumpy Jennie was better, soft Jennie was making her flustered and she tends to go into an awkward mess when that happens.

“I guess I do.” Lisa gave her a huge smile, only realizing Jennie was holding a brown Pomeranian in her arms. “And who’s this lucky fella.”

“I found him over there.” Jennie was ruffling his fur, Lisa smiles at the careful way she was holding onto him, as if he were a baby “You guys should really keep an eye out on the puppies.”

“They’re a smart bunch.”

Lisa let Hotdog go inside the makeshift pen along with the other dogs. She chuckled at how he ran off to bark at the others, acting all big and mighty.

“So… what brings you here?” Lisa was genuinely curious. It wasn’t everyday Kim Jennie came out to play. 

“In case you forgot I’m a student at YG. This is a YG event.” There goes her trademark eyeroll.

“I sometimes forget I’m forgetful.”

“Doesn’t make sense.”

“It shouldn’t” 

Lisa takes note of the subtle way Jennie’s demeanor changes with each answer, closed off, guarded, playful, sarcastic-- it was never the same. If she had to pick a top 3 it would definitely be 

  1. Sarcastic Jennie
  2. Flustered Jennie 
  3. And her new favorite Playful Jennie



Although Lisa has to admit Playful and grumpy would definitely be a close tie. 

“You’re looking at me funny.”

“That’s cause you always look like someone shoved something down your you know Ms.Kim.”

Jennie laughed. 

Lisa knows and will admit, _but only if you keep this a secret,_ that Jennie’s laughter has become one of her favorite sounds in this world. It sounded so carefree, so... so childlike. It was in rare moments like these that Lisa knew her walls were down. Just enough for Lisa to take a peek at the real her. 

“You can say ‘ass’ Lisa.”

“Ew, and be crude? No thanks.” Lisa gives the puppy’s head a quick scratch. “You planning on adopting him?” Lisa peeks at Jennie through her bangs as Lisa leaned to give the dog’s nose a quick kiss. 

Jennie doesn’t answer. Lisa hates the way her smile disappears into the same expressionless look she hides behind all the time. 

“He looks too smitten by you.” Lisa eggs on, hoping to get any reaction from the smaller girl who has closed off herself. 

“I’d love to, but I can’t.” She sounded so small it broke Lisa;s heart in two. 

“Why not?” It wasn’t like Lisa to pry, but there was something in Jennie’s voice that screamed help.

“I wouldn’t be a good owner.” Jennie snuggles her chin against the ruffled fur of the dog’s back.

“Why so?”

“You ask too many questions Lisa.”

“I do yes… I want to say sorry for being too..”

“Nosy?” Jennie let the puppy go inside the pen, watching it waggle its tail. 

“I was hoping for a more positive word, like inquisitive.”

“You wish…”

“But seriously Jennie. Why do you think you wont make a good owner?”

“Because Lisa... I suck at taking care of things. Happy?” Lisa winced at the hostility in her tone. It’s well deserved, she knows. 

“How do you know if you don’t try?” Lisa knows that Jennie was on the verge of lashing out, she could tell by the way her jaws clenched. 

“Look, as much as I want to Lisa. I can’t okay?” 

“I think he’d make a good friend, and …”

Jennie steps away, looking at her with a weird look. 

“And what? Why are people so pressed at thinking they know what’s best for me?”

“Jennie…” She takes a step back for every step Lisa takes to close the distance between them. “Why are you so scared of letting people in?”

The silence between them felt like an eternity. 

“Because Lisa, everyone leaves at some point don’t they?”

“They do… but why not enjoy the ride while they’re still there? Instead of regretting when they’ve already left?”

She knows she hit a sensitive spot, Jennie’s lip was red from the way she was biting on it, Lisa could see the subtle way her hands were shaking, and her attempt at steadying them as she played with the cuffs of her white polo shirt. 

“It’s hard to enjoy things when all I’ve ever done was destroy things I care about.”

Lisa doesn’t answer, she hates herself for already doing so much damage. Fragile things tend to break from the smallest of pressures and she felt like an ass for pressing Jennie like this. 

“I’m sorry Jennie... “ She could see a ghost of a smile on her lips. 

“Wish I could say that to myself too. Look Lisa it’s fine okay? Let’s just drop this.” 

“Sure…” Lisa smiles, she could see the way Jennie was looking at the puppy. She knows that look and she’d be damned to not find a way for them to be together. 

“See you tomorrow at class?” Jennie smiled back. Not something she was expecting. 

“Yeah… yeah see you, oh and Jennie?”

“Hmmm?” Jennie was already walking away. 

“Nothing…” 

Lisa thinks it’s not the right time to tell her that… 

“Dummy.” 

Jennie’s chuckles were enough to make Lisa’s smile go wider.

* * *

“I thought you preferred cats?” Vernon looked at her curiously as she filled out the forms. 

“Change of plans.” 

“I just need you to sign these waivers and you should be all set.”

“Here.” Lisa handed the clipboard back at him 

“Alright. You two are all set. Thank you for adopting Lisa.”

Lisa nods and turns to pick him up. 

“Hey there buddy, excited to see her again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to be friends ... if ... lol  
> follow me on twitter @Heyrrra  
> Need more BP moots uwu


	20. Blood Carrying Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

Jennie looks at the shadows on her ceiling, watching them morph into shapes on pale washed off white. Stares at them till she sees green out of the corners of her eyes, green that covers most of her vision and she’s forced to close them, only for the green to spread through the deep black she sees too. Jennie holds her hand in front of her, enough to cover parts of her view of the ceiling, peeking in between the spaces of her fingers to try and amuse herself. It does nothing but make her restless even more.

Ever since she left the pet adoption event, Lisa has been acting weird around her. Not that she cares, _she does…she really does, but won’t tell you._ Jisoo had been complaining non-stop for the past three days about how much time Lisa had been spending with Chaeng. She’d nodded in a fruitless effort to make her shut up, but of course it was Jisoo… Anything that involved Rosie without her made her annoyed at anything and everything, and when she’s annoyed, she talks and when she talks it was always Jennie she’d run off to. 

_“What do you think they talk about in that room?” Jisoo has slid into the empty seat opposite her in the pantry._

_Jennie shrugs her shoulders in an attempt to answer Jisoo’s questions. She doesn’t know and she doesn’t care._

_“She’s been stealing Rosie away from me for two days now.” Jisoo was pouting and Jennie laughed._

_Jisoo glares at her and throws a french fry which lands halfway between them on the table. “It’s not funny.”_

_“No it’s not.” Jennie takes a quick sip “But really, they’re probably just talking about the choreo… the evaluations in a month and you know how much Rosie wants everything to go perfectly.” Yeah right, if only she believed half of what she just said._

_“Nah… if they did they'd be dancing. They just sit there inside the room on the floor talking for what seemed like ages.”_

_Jennie stops and stares. Jisoo was murdering the pasta on her plate, stabbing the sauce coated noodles till they broke off into bits and pieces. Jennie, subconsciously does the same thing to her salad, picking off at a tomato, squishing it with her fork till the juices come out and flood the lettuce closest to it._

_A good minute of silence falls in between them and Jennie shifts uncomfortably in her seat. There was a heaviness in her chest she can’t get rid off. It wasn’t guilt, nor was it sadness, nor loneliness or even the darkness that seemed to always haunt her. She’d been friends with them for such a long time she was too familiar with the certain way her chest tightens to know it wasn’t any of those. It was the kind that made her want to dig beneath her skin and take whatever itch that flowed in her veins to her heart away. Dig it up, take it, and fling it far far away. The more it itches, the heavier it gets and the heavier it gets the more she’s pissed._

_Lisa and Rosie were laughing as they approached their table. Jisoo was all smiles, and Jennie? The itch flares and she feels herself scowl._

_“Hey.” Lisa smiles and takes the seat beside her._

_Jennie doesn’t answer. She stands up and leaves the table instead._

Jennie lays there, eyes still on the ceiling and wonders, why she left in the first place. 

**Notification:**

**You’ve got (1) mail.**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Read now | Delete**

The soft glow, breaks her little bubble and she reads through the email.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/21/2017 02:36AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**Something's off. Are you fine?**

**L**

Jennie sighs.

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**I’m fine, just tired.**

**J**

Jennie knows that L had a way of knowing what she’s feeling, even better than her and in some days she liked it, craved it… It made her feel … cared for. And in some days she hates it, just because she hates knowing the truth, and tonight was one of those days. She turned her phone off and flings it away, making it land by the foot of her bed. 

_Maybe not tonight…._

* * *

Jennie woke up with a headache so bad, it made her puke. It starts off on her temples the moment she opened her eyes and pounds its way, slowly spreading throughout her head until it made her curl up into a ball, holding a pillow over her face. She counts to ten and tries again. The throbbing making her tear up.

The room was dim, despite how late in the morning it was. 

She drags herself off of the bed and scrambles to balance herself, careful not to stumble over whatever it is she threw on the floor in the past week. The throbbing made it hard for her to make cohesive thoughts she had a hard time finding her way over to the bathroom. She clings to the wall until she finds herself in front of the bathroom sink. Hurling out what little she had in her stomach.

“Fuck”

She takes a deep breath and wash away sleep and the headache away. She takes another look at herself in the mirror, just a second longer, before opening the cabinet and dry swallowing an aspirin. 

She takes another deep breath, letting the water run to fill her tub. 

Jennie stands there looking at the little ripples on the water, and tries to make something out of it. What, or why she’s doing that is something she doesn’t have the answers to. She strips and slowly plunges into the warm water, making her close her eyes in the way it brought her temporary comfort. She plays with the bubbles on the water’s surface and rests her head on the hard cold bathroom wall.

She runs a hand through her wet hair and sinks lower. 

She relishes the way her muscles relax and how tension slowly ebbs away from her body. She grazes her fingers over the length of her arm, slowly, with as much tenderness she could muster. She takes in another breath and finds herself missing this… this sensation. The way her breath hitches as she feels her fingers skate over her sensitive skin. She goes lower, slowly, left hand over her thigh as she bites her lower lip.

 _Should she?_

She brings her hands higher, away… gently allowing her nails to bite against her skin as she digs into the tender flesh, making her bite on her lip more, making her breathe deeper. 

_When was the last time she…_

She thinks of images to help her, anything to take her mind off of the hotness she’s feeling. She knows fully well it wasn’t the warm water. 

_The warmth… made her...made her think..._

_Made her think of long road trips through the countryside, windows open and the warm summer breeze through her hair. Out of breath from the all the singing along to the car stereo. She thinks of the summer nights spent with the windows open. The night breeze cooling everything it touches. Their hair tangled, creating its own little picture against the blue of the sheets. Jennie can’t help but think of her hands playing with her hair as she hums against her ear, pressing her body against Jennie. It was innocent enough for Jennie._

Her hands go lower, up and down against the skin she made indentions on, feeling the little dips where her nails had drawn a picture, something that reminded her…

_She feels her breath against her cheeks and Jennie longs to see her face. A quick peek at the only thing she finds beautiful in this ugly world,_

Lower…

_Jennie moves a fraction of an inch away and settles herself, looking at her._

_Her smile._

Lower…

_Her smile and soft chuckles… moves in slowly to close the gap between them, nose touching_

Releasing a deep breath

_Jennie looks up and finds her eyes, and freezes._

_Lisa?_

She shakes her head and sits up straighter. Taking ragged breaths, same erratic pattern to match the beating in her chest. 

_Why the fuck was she thinking about Lisa?_

She tries to keep herself from shaking, tries to regain a certain composure on herself. She buries her face into her hands and pulls on her hair. 

_Why why why_

Something inside her, inside her veins that was burning. Blood carrying that fire into her heart and smothers her. Fills her chest with the same unfamiliar heaviness she was starting to hate or… starting to love? Or starting to hate to love or the other way around? She screams to let it out and screams to try and get it out. But it doesn’t…

The more she thinks of her, the more Jennie burns

The more she sees her smile in her mind, the heavier it gets. 

Jennie emerged from the water and drips water all over her bathroom floor, creating little puddles as she reaches for a towel to wrap around her body. 

She looks for clothes and winces at the realization she left them on the bed. Jennie tiptoes to prevent the carpeted floor from soaking too much water. Just a few more steps away from her bed…

_Knock knock…_

Soft knocks on her apartment door.

_Shit._

She doesn’t remember ordering pizza, or any take out food for that matter. 

She looks at the door and the clothes laid out on the bed and then back to the door.

_Knock knock…_

This time it was louder, more forceful. 

_Great…_

Jennie sprints to the door and opens it a crack.

“Hey”

Jennie freezes, she tried so fucking hard to not think of her and her she was smiling like an idiot on her door. 

“Lisa?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a great weekend ahead everyone!  
> Sorry this one's a bit short - have a massive migraine I cant shake off today :(


	21. Don't Fucking Move aka Mounds of Your Wet Hair and Your Sad Looking White Wallpaper

“Lisa?”

Lisa’s smile falters a bit, chuckling to hide the embarrassment from being too obvious.

“What are you doing here?” Jennie’s cat-like eyes glared at her from in between the crack of the door. Making her shuffle her weight to her other foot.

“I brought a gift.” Lisa holds up chinese take out in the air, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Take-out?” she rolls her eyes. 

“Yeah? What’s wrong with take-out?” 

Lisa smiles again, wider this time. 

“Maybe… now’s not a very good time Lisa.” 

She barely heard Jennie, barely had enough time to react when she saw her wince. Pinching the bridge of her nose, shaking her head, trying to get rid of something or anything it seems. Lisa takes two steps forward and stops. Hands barely grazing the doorknob.

“Are you okay?” 

Lisa was careful not to make any sudden movements.

“Yeah… yeah I’m fine. Just a stupid headache early in the morn--”

Jennie doubles over and grips the edge of the door tightly, opening it wider as she staggers backwards. Lisa doesn’t know what happened, but finds herself holding Jennie in her arms. Chinese take-out on the floor and her face inches away from the shorter girls confused face.

“A..are you fine?” her whisper rang out loudly against the stillness of the room, bouncing off the walls and settling in the air around, making it more awkward for Lisa. 

“I’m...I’m fine.”

Lisa found Jennie rather beautiful. Breathtaking even, and up close… this close, she could see light brown specks contrasting beautifully with dark brown. Found herself swimming, found herself drawn to such intense eyes that she had to hold her breath. Jennie was looking back at her with an expression she can’t read, hidden behind many layers of why’s, what’s and how’s. Lisa held her tightly yet gently against her to keep her from completely falling. 

“Li...Lisa..”

Jennie’s voice was two tones lower… and huskier?

“Yeah?”

Jennie laced her arms around her neck, setting fire to Lisa’s skin pulling her into a hug. This took Lisa by the surprise.

“Je..Jennie?”

“Don’t move..”

Lisa feels a lump in her throat, and her cheeks to burn. Something in the pit of her stomach stirs.

“Wh..why?”

“Because dumbass, I’m wearing a towel and unfortunately the slightest movement from us and it’ll end up in a heap on the floor!” Jennie hisses against her ear.

Lisa almost chokes on her own saliva when she realized the towel wrapped around Jennie, the only thing keeping it together was the way their bodies were pressed together, securing the towel in between them.

“Uh… I’m sorry… I’ll just turn around and --”

“Don’t fucking move!” Jennie clings to her even more and Lisa finds it hard to concentrate when she could feel every inch of Jennie’s body against her own “Don’t move Manoban.”

Lisa finds it weird and warm at the same time when Jennie gives her another huff of annoyance..

“I could close my eyes and you could wrap it around you again and..”

“Seriously? Another word from you and I swear I’ll…” she left her sentence unfinished and Lisa knows whatever it was wasn’t good. 

“Okay! Okay! I won’t” Lisa was trying hard not to move while Jennie squirms, trying to get her hands between them and holding onto the towel.

“You better not be peeking!”

Lisa could feel the blood rush to her ears.

“In case you’re not aware Ms Kim the only thing I could see is mounds of your wet hair on my face and your sad looking white wallpaper.” 

“Don’t be such a smartass.”

“I’m not!” 

Lisa tries her best to hold onto Jennie’s waist as she fumbled with the towel. Every single movement from her hands Lisa could feel through the thin fabric of her yellow polo shirt, making her uncomfortable.

“There! You can let go now…”

Lisa took a huge step back and looked away. The only thing she saw was the flash of white _probably the towel_ and the flutter of hair.

“You can sit by the couch there.” Lisa doesn’t turn around but nods instead, nods along even when she had no idea where the couch was “I’m just going to change real quick.”

Lisa nods again and this time with her eyes closed, and the next thing she heard was the loud slamming of the door and her own heartbeat drumming against her chest. 

_Fuck…_

* * *

Jennie’s apartment wasn’t small and wasn’t too big either. Lisa didn’t mean to snoop, but Jennie’s apartment was too much of an open book. Articles of clothes were thrown here and there, and the sofa she was referring to still had the plastic covering. Boxes were stacked against one side of the room, yellowed brown boxes adorning the pale boring white of the walls. Lisa played with the peeling paint of Jennie’s coffee table.

Jennie clears her throat and Lisa jumps in her seat. 

“Comfortable?” Lisa doesn’t miss the sarcasm in her voice.

“Very..” two can play this game right?

Jennie snorts a response and sits on the sofa’s armrest opposite her. She was wearing a white turtleneck sweater and skinny jeans. 

“What’s with the out-of-the-blue visit?” crossing her arms, she gave Lisa another look of annoyance. 

“I just wanted to check up on you.”

“Yeah … right. How’d you know where I live?”

Jennie stands up and walks over to the kitchen counter, opening the cabinets above them looking for something. 

“I shouldn’t tell you…” Lisa tries to clear her throat but ended up sounding like a bullfrog. 

Jennie runs a glass under the tap and walks back to where Lisa was sitting.

“Here.”

“I’m good.”

“Fine.” Jennie slams the glass on the table and stands in front of her, hands on her waist and tries to look as intimidating as she can.

Lisa wanted to laugh so bad, Jennie looked funny. She looks up and smiles, noting how it’s working. Lisa could see the subtle way Jennie’s eyes softened. 

“It was Rosie wasn’t it?”

“What?”

“Don’t act dumb..” Jennie towered over her but only because she was sitting and Jennie wasn’t. “I know it was Rosie…” Jennie leaned closer, giving her one of the most intense staredown’s she’ve had.

“Why don’t we eat huh? Where’s the expensive looking dinnerware?”

Jennie doesn’t move, instead she comes closer and jabs her finger against Lisa’s chest.

“Listen here you! Come up unannounced again and I’ll make sure you won’t be coming back. Understood?”

Lisa couldn’t help herself and laughs out loud.

“What’s so funny? You think this is funny? Look her --”

“I’m sorry! It’s just you look so…” Lisa doubles over laughing, tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. 

“Look so what?!”

“So cute and tiny!” Lisa answers back in one breath, throwing Jennie off kilter.

“Hey! Im not cute and neither am I tiny!”

Lisa laughs even louder at this, as Jennie tries her best to look all tall and mighty.

“Look I didn’t mean to laugh..” Jennie was still huffing in anger. “Come and sit next to me.” Lisa helds out her hand and gestures to the empty space beside her. 

Jennie hesitates a bit before accepting Lisa’s offer, ensuring to keep a safe distance between them.

“I really did come here to make sure you’re fine.”

Lisa feels the sofa dip for a bit as Jennie plopped herself.

“Thanks, I guess? But I’m fine so you can just leave now.” 

Lisa smiles at that, _typical Jennie_

“Not until we have take out.” Lisa stands up and dashes off to the kitchen, a mad Jennie hot on her tracks.

“No! Stay away from _my_ kitchen!” Jennie tries but Lisa knows she was faster 

_Longer legs and all._

Lisa opens the kitchen cabinets and looks for a bowl to put the noodles in. She notices the cabinets to be bare, most of the kitchenware collecting dust at the far back. Safely hidden behind boxes of cereal. 

Jennie catches up and crashes against her, making Lisa jump in surprise -- 2 clean bowls flying in the air. 

“Give that back!” Jennie tries to reach over her head to close the cabinet. 

“It’s just take out!”

“We can eat it straight from the box Manoban!” 

Lisa turns around to face Jennie as she’s pinned against the kitchen sink. The surface was cold and it made Lisa shudder, but the warmth she felt from Jennie’e body was even better at chasing the shudder away. Jennie was trying to reach for one of the bowls she had in her hands. The one she was able to hold on to when she jumped from the surprise. She held it up, higher and higher as Jennie was now jumping to see if she could reach. 

Lisa wishes the warmth in her cheeks to go away, _but it wouldn’t_

She locks eyes with Jennie and the feeling of not knowing how to breathe was back. Lisa tries her best to look away, tries not to look at Jennie’s lip and back to her eyes and then back to her lips. Jennie’s look was starting to feel heavy on Lisa’s skin. It crawled from her hands, the same ones who were up in the air, down to her shoulders -- making her relax, and even lower into her heart. Lisa feels tiny supernovas running through her veins and she tried to smother it with chuckling. 

“Jennie…”

“Hmmm…”

Lisa doesn’t miss the way Jennie subtly biting her lower lip.

“Take-out?”

“Say that one more time and I’ll shut you up myself.”

Lisa’s heart stops for a second then pounds faster, harder against her chest. 

“Taaake-ouut” Lisa drags out the word smiling. 

Lisa leans in and Jennie leans up, eyes closed and noses touching. 

“Jen-Jen!” Rosie’s voice felt like nails on a chalkboard and Lisa finds it hard to choose between thanking her or strangling her. “Oooh, was I interrupting something?” 

Jennie pushed her away a little too roughly, elbowing her deep in the side she lost her breath.

Lisa sees the pet carrier in Rosie’s hand and another plastic bag filled with treats, and bowls. _Maybe Rosie interrupting things weren’t so bad._ She saw Jennie’s face lit up as Rosie opened the carrier and the brown pomeranian dashed off to give Jennie lot’s of wet sloppy dog kisses. 

“Kuma!”

_Perfect._

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lemme know what you think? was half asleep half awake when I wrote this -- sorry!


	22. Something Between Contentment and the Innocence of Being Genuinely Confused

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so Lisa's POV still haha

“Kuma?”

Lisa loves what she’s seeing. Jennie laughs and Lisa thinks of that one time her mother brought her along to her home province, catching grasshoppers, staying up late at night and waiting for the sunrise by the hills. 

“You already named him?” Rosie pouts and Jennie gives her a playful glare.

“Naming rights belong to me Chaeng…” Jennie picks Kuma up and snuggles him “And you have a lot of explaining to do.”

Chaeyoung chuckles nervously and looks to Lisa for help. 

“You see…”

“The truth Rosie…”

“Of course Jen.” Chaeyoung chuckles and sets the dog food and everything with her on the couch. “All I’ll say is… is that I took care of him until he went home to his owner, now I gotta scoot! Joy’s waiting for me!”

Lisa finds the look of surprise on Jennie’s face funny as Chaeyoung sprinted for the open door, and how fast it changed from being mad to a total baby the moment Kuma licked her chubby cheeks. 

“Don’t think I’m not mad at you. Just because you got me a puppy…” Jennie’s voice was barely a whisper, but Lisa heard her clearly. It was hard not to when she was so focused on her.

“I … thought he’d be real sad if he doesn’t get to see you again…” Lisa picks up the dog food and goes to one of the kitchen cabinets, most of them were empty so it didn’t take Lisa long to find one she can store it in. “and… considering you looked real devastated when you said goodbye.”

“And Chaeng?” 

“What about her?”

Jennie shrugs her shoulders and puts Kuma down, crouching to play with him as he scrambled around, tails wagging and paws up in the air.

“I didn’t see her in the puppy section that day…”

“Ahh I can’t keep Kuma at my place,” Lisa takes the toys next and placed them on top of the table, just until she finds a place to store them in. “I heard she fosters animals so I asked for her help … and for your address.” 

“Hmmmm.” 

Lisa takes one of the dog bowls and brings it under the tap, filling it with water. She stands by the sink and takes in the scene in front of her. Takes it in and memorizes it, every little detail and every little nuance… The way Jennie’s eyes looked like it housed the universe, all the answers to the questions… The way her smile looked genuine, not a shadow of the things that hurt, and what she liked best -- the walls were still there, but she sees the door opening. 

Jennie looks back and catches her looking, she doesn’t turn away.  _ There wasn’t any use… she’d know anyways.  _

“Why don’t we fix things up around here?” Lisa sets the bowl of water down, right beside the sofa. 

“I… I can do that by myself. You don’t have to…” 

Lisa was finding more and more things she liked about this day. 

“It’ll be much faster, and plus… I want to.” Lisa gives her a wink.

* * *

“Lisa, no!”

“Oh… but Lisa yes?”

“Arrghh! Don’t make me kick you out of the apartment!”

Lisa was red in the face from laughter. Jennie had a pan in one hand and the other one holding a stirring ladle, something she was dangerously swinging in circles in front of her. 

“Don’t. Take. Another. Step!” 

Lisa laughs again and dodges the what? Twenty third swipe? She lost count already... The ladle almost hitting her in the head. 

“I swear to God! I’m not afraid to use this!” Jennie takes another swipe at her, Lisa finds it amusing that she deliberately misses.  _ How does she know?  _ Well.. because she made no effort at dodging it. 

“Gotcha!” Lisa takes Jennie’s hand, the one dangerously holding the ladle. Her other hand attacking her in the side. 

Jennie’s laughter rang throughout the apartment, filling Lisa with a warmth she only thought she’d find back home. She tickles her just enough that she almosts trips on her feet, Lisa pulls her closer to her, making them hold onto each other. 

The air around them grows heavy and Lisa was acutely aware of how Jennie’s breaths slows down, and how hers was trying to match the rhythm. The same feeling was back, swirling in the pit of her stomach. Surely at this rate, Lisa was afraid the butterflies would escape. 

“Jennie?”

“Hmmm.” 

Lisa loves the way Jennie sounds when she does that, somewhere between contentment and the innocence of being genuinely confused. 

“Tangled?” Lisa takes her time swallowing, takes her time looking Jennie in the eyes and enjoying the way the smaller girl was trying to avoid hers.

“Fine… fine… we’re watching tangled.”

“Great.” Lisa lets go but instantly regrets doing so. “Why don’t we finish up in the kitchen, huh?”

“Yeah… yeah let’s do that.” 

Lisa knows she hears the same regret in Jennie’s voice too.

* * *

Lisa looked around and likes what she’s seeing. They’ve spent the whole afternoon cleaning up, arranging and rearranging (just because Jennie pretends not to like her decorating skills), and making sure everything was puppy proofed. Kuma was sleeping in his dog bed, something Chaeng bought as a gift, Lisa thinks she just likes spoiling animals. 

Lisa had talked Jennie into talking the plastic film off the couch.

_ “Let’s take this off.” Lisa crouches down to look for the seams in the plastic. _

_ “You can leave it on, I don’t spend that much time on the sofa anyway.” _

_ “Still, what if you had friends over? The plastics too uncomfortably cool.” Lisa finds it and stars picking. _

_ “I don’t have friends over….” _

_ This time Lisa stands up to look at Jennie, who was trying to make herself busy with the already clean bowls.  _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “I… just don’t invite them over.” _

_ “Why not?”  _

_ “I’m not a good host.” _

_ “Back with the doubts again, I’m sure Rosie and Jisoo wouldn’t mind. They’re your best friends and they’d understand, they know you better…” Jennie shrugs at the statement but Lisa doesn’t miss the way her lips curled up into a smile before furrowing her brows over something in the bowl -- the same clean bowl that has been wiped for the fifth time. _

_ “I guess.” _

_ “Come on and help me.” Lisa gives her a grin. “It’s always satisfying taking plastic or films off of stuff.” _

Jennie comes back with a bowl of popcorn, taking the empty space beside her. 

“Here.” 

Lisa buries her hand into the bowl, putting on a show of taking in so much.

“Save some for me!”

Lisa grins and shakes her head. 

“Lisa!”

“You look cute when you’re annoyed.”

Jennie turns away, trying to hide away her red face. 

“Fine, here.” Lisa gives the bowl back and settles in her corner of the sofa as Jennie takes the remote and starts the movie. 

_ You can never go wrong with Disney.  _

Jennie was all sorts of happy during the length of the movie, and Lisa wishes she had her camera with her. There was a childlike innocence in the way she tried singing along to the songs despite not knowing the lyrics, humming along and singing out the end part of each verse. The way she’d cheer on Rapunzel and sport an incredibly cute looking pout at Gothel. 

Jennie looks back and catches her eyes, and smiles. Lisa feels her heartstrings being pulled, closer and closer into the mystery that is Jennie Kim. Finds herself smiling back and seeing everything good in her eyes. Lisa looks closer and sees sadness, but knows it’s the nostalgic kind, hidden behind layers of too many what-ifs that burned in Jennie’s eyes. 

Lisa feels the butterflies stir again

Feels the pull. 

Lisa tries to breathe, tries to shake off the creeping warmth and the constant swirls inside her. 

She looks away, feeling everything all too much at the same time, and she feels Jennie look away too. 

It was close to ten in the evening when they’ve finished watching Tangled 2 upon the insistence of Jennie. Cartons of take-out and popcorn graced the floor. An old movie about she didn’t bother to watch was playing on the tv on mute. 

Lisa tries to steady the constant thuds in her heart,  _ could she hear them, she wonders?  _ Tries to steady her breathing. Jennie had fallen asleep in the middle of the movie. It wasn’t such a bad thing,  _ if only she didn’t fall asleep on me right?  _

They’ve decided to turn off the lights in the middle of Tangled 2 and the only source was coming from the TV. Soft hues of yellow and white cast shadows on her face. Lisa tries to look away, to look at the TV screen but she can’t. She traces and draws the distance from her cheeks to the space above her lips. Lisa stops and grazes over them softly, gently. She feels Jennie stir and she stops. 

“Hmmm.” 

Jennie moves closer, burying her face into the crook of Lisa’s neck, making her shiver. Lisa tries to move away slowly, but finds Jennie’s hands wrapping around her neck. Lisa closes her eyes and feels through the current running through her body, the silent current that ran through her veins and exploded at the tips of her fingers as she ran her hands up and down Jennie’s back. 

She faces Jennie slowly, careful not to wake her. Slowly pulling Jennie into a hug, as she tried to maneuver her legs making sure Jennie fit in between them. Lisa tries hard to ignore the warm breaths against her skin as she settles against the armrest. Lisa finds it hard to lie, finds it hard to ignore how wonderful a feeling it was to embrace her. 

“Do...don’t go.”

Jennie’s eyelashes fluttered, brushing against her neck.

_ Was she having a nightmare? _

Lisa tightens her hug and hums a lullaby. The same lullaby her mother sang to her when she was a child, young enough to believe in boogeymans. Lisa smiles the moment she feels Jennie relax again, the same steady breath that was oddly enough in tune to Lisa’s heartbeat.

“I won’t.” Lisa whispers against the silence and the darkness. The same silence and darkness that hid her truth. “I won’t Jennie.” 

Her whisper rings out as she brushed her lips against Jennie’s cheeks

“I promise”

* * *

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/23/2017 10:03PM**

**TO: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**I’m good… if I’m being honest I’d say I’m feeling better…**

**L, have you … forget about it.**

**Do you think it’s wrong to feel so much for someone...**

**I… this is all so confusing.**

**J**

Lisa reads through the words and her heart drops. Drops and drowns. Drowns and gasps, gasps for air as she finds herself crying. 

_ Why was she crying? _

She shakes her head, surely… surely she was just emotional, probably hormones..

_ But why was it so painful?  _

Tears made it hard for Lisa to see, for once she didn’t know the answer… For once she was suddenly so confused. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My attempt at another fluff?  
> Anyways... I'm in a very good mood today :) so enjoy!


	23. So Close to Something So Dangerous

Jennie feels the cold cut through her bones, but it doesn’t stop her palms from sweating. She tries to dab it against the material of her shirt and tries to breathe in slow and steady to calm her nerves. 

“Ready?” Hoshi’s voice broke through her thoughts. 

“Ye...yeah.” 

“I know you’ll do great, good luck Jennie.” 

Jennie nods and proceeds inside the room. _okay .. it was now or never._

* * *

**Notification:**

**You’ve got (1) mail.**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Read now | Delete**

Jennie stares at her phone screen, internally debating whether to read it now or to save it for later. Why she said the things she said last night was beyond her, sometimes when she’s feeling too much she makes decisions she’ll probably regret. 

“Jen!” 

Jisoo and Rosie made it just in time before the elevator door closed. 

“Good morning.” 

“You’re in a very good mood today.” Jisoo smiled, but Jennie could see the unasked question in her eyes. 

“How’s Kuma?”

_Thank you Rosie…_

“He’s good and thank you for the treats and gifts.”

“Nah.. don’t mention it. He deserves it for being such a good boy…” 

“How was Lisa?” Jisoo had a smirk on her face. 

Jennie almost chokes, 

“What?”

“You know… I heard you two were getting pretty comfy with each other.” 

Jennie doesn’t miss the glare Rosie gave Jisoo, and she doesn’t know if she should cringe in embarrassment or laugh at the situation. 

“Cat got your tongue?” Jisoo was pushing it just a _bit_ too far there. 

“She was just helping me out with --” 

The doors to the elevator opened with a loud ding, and Jennie wishes she should’ve taken the stairs instead. 

“Oh hey guys.” Out of all the people they’d have the pleasure of meeting, it had to be _her._

“Speak of the devil, huh?” Jennie feels the warmth inside her increase tenfold as Jisoo whispered, she gave Jennie a wink before running off to catch up with Rosie. “See you after class Jen.” 

“What was that all about huh?” Lisa gives her a smile and Jennie thinks of daisies under the sun. 

“I gotta run Lisa. See you later.”

Jennie doesn’t wait for a response and jogs towards the exit, she needs something strong to take away the weird rattling she feels in her chest whenever she sees her. She knows something shifted, something between them changed and she hated how she can’t shake it off.

_Get your shit together Kim Jennie._

* * *

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/24/2017 06:36AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J,**

**I thought about what you said. I hate to admit that it kept me up the whole night… weird, right? I guess you caught me a little off guard hah.**

**Feeling… feeling so much for someone, damn how do I answer this?**

**I guess there’s nothing wrong with feeling so much for someone… why would it be wrong?**

**Being confused… is fine too, we’re all confused about most of the things in this world anyway.**

**Want to tell me more about this… feeling?**

Jennie takes a quick sip from her coffee and allows it to settle in her blood, allows it to keep her from going on her toes and running around the cafe restless. She goes over the email again, a minute after, when her thoughts were much clearer and more ...stable. She reads it again, this time with a much clearer head, just because she can’t get rid of the feeling that L sounded so sad… Dark blue oozing all over. 

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Are you fine? I don't want to sound intrusive, but something about your email screamed “sad”. I’ve never been entirely honest with you L, but you’ve been such a great help to me and I want you to know how thankful I am. I want you to know that I’m here for you too. I don’t give that good of an advice, but I can try…**

**J**

Jennie runs her fingers over the pendant hanging just above her chest, felt the diamonds and traces over the letter.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/24/2017 09:52AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**I’m fine :).**

**Tell me… stop changing the subject. LOL**

**L**

Jennie knows, doesn’t know how she does, but she knows… that she wasn’t _fine._

**To:LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Fine… I'll let you off the hook now, but you do know I’m here for you too right?**

**Anyways since you wanted to know so much…**

**I’ve been so confused lately I’ve been drinking coffee… and, it’s not something I usually do because I hate the damn thing. Don’t get why other people do. It’s so bitter and leaves an aftertaste that stays with you the whole day… but I needed something to calm me down and help with the thoughts.**

**You see L. It’s hard to talk about something I don’t know about, and talk about things I don’t have the names to. It’s that feeling you get when you find yourself.... Find yourself standing at that edge, find yourself breathless and confused and stupid at the same time for being so close to something so dangerous, yet you have this overcoming feeling of wanting to jump off and see if you’d fly and at the same time you find yourself holding on and stepping away, just enough to know you’re safe because… because you’re too afraid of taking risks, because a part of you stays rational and knows you’ll fall. It’s like that. It’s becoming too overwhelming some days that I find myself choking on the fear and the rush of it.**

**J**

Jennie tries to keep herself calm, she feels like an overflowing cup.

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/24/2017 09:52AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**You don’t always have to have names for them J. Just** **_feeling_ ** **the feeling is enough, don’t you think?**

**I think standing on that ledge gives a wonderful feeling of freedom… a sense of, of wonder. You see everything that’s beautiful and you jump. Doesn’t matter if you end up flying or falling J -- because if you don’t jump.. How would you know, right?**

**I’m just all sorts of confused today too.. Nothing to be worried about. :)**

**L**

Jennie feels a certain weight pulling her, it’s starts off light and gradually increases, getting heavier and heavier. She drinks her coffee in one gulp, maybe… she can drown the feeling away with caffeine, maybe then she wouldn’t be too … drawn to making sure L was fine right? It was normal to care for someone who did the same for you. 

_But who was she kidding?_

* * *

“Jennie where have you been? You’re next in fifteen minutes..” Rosie was running to meet her halfway, pulling her towards an empty seat outside the dance room where the head of YG and the rest of the head instructors were grading the students. 

“I had to go get coffee… chill Chaeng, fifteen minutes is still enough time to prepare.” 

Jennie feels her take the seat beside her, vanilla and lilies -- she smelled like that, that night.

“Hey Jen, ready for today?” 

Jennie tries her best not stammer, _crazy how things have gone huh?_

“Yeah… yeah I’m good.”

“Really?” The drop in Lisa’s voice and the warmth of her hand on top of hers was too much.

Jennie remembers the day after, waking up to Lisa’s arms around her and how her left arm had fallen asleep, sending pinpricks of discomfort down the length of it. She doesn’t move, even if she wanted so much to massage the life back to her arm, she stays still. Finding the rise and fall of Lisa’s chest to be rather comforting. 

_Vanilla and lilies…_

_Jennie likes the scent, reminding her of long ago breakfasts and road trips. She snuggles closer, and takes another deep breath. When was the last time she slept throughout the night without having nightmares? Seemed like another lifetime - she thinks. She feels Lisa stir and she stays still, not wanting her to wake up with Jennie being all awkward and stuff… Jennie tries to move away but stops, her left arm was numb… wiggling it made her wince. She hated it when a limb falls asleeps, she hates the way the pinpricks were making her uncomfortable._

_Lisa stirs again and Jennie feigns sleep. She feels her arms pull away and feels guilty at missing the feeling of them around her. It’s been so long… Lisa tried to pry her away gently, and Jennie plays along, still not wanting to make it awkward between them… or her. She feels Lisa laying her gently against the armrest and finds the scent fading, the warmth too._

_Jennie groans and open her eyes._

_“Morning sleepyhead. Want some breakfast? I could cook a quick one for you.”_

_Jennie shakes her head, dont…_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yeah…” Jennie’s voice broke, she hated that when it happens._

_“I’m sorry… I have to run off now, I have a buddy waiting for me who might be a bit mad considering I left so little food yesterday. Well… not little, but you know he eats too much.”_

_Jennie knows she’s furrowing her brow and tries to stop herself from doing so._

_“It’s fine Lisa, thank you for yesterday…”_

_“Anytime Jennie. Maybe, I could come over again some time. I have another movie I’d like you to watch.”_

_Jennie finds herself smiling back, she’d like that very much…_

_“Urgh.. it’s not another Disney movie is it?” She sits up and rubs the sleep of her eyes._

_“Disney’s the best so ...yes.”_

_“We’ll see about that.”_

_“Hey, it’s decided…”_

_“I meant about you coming over and all…” Jennie wishes she could take back the words when she sees Lisa face falling. “Okay… fine.. Stop looking like a hurt puppy.”_

_Lisa beams._

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“You should get ready… Hoshi’s here. 

“Ready?” Hoshi’s voice broke through her thoughts. 

* * *

Jennie finds herself in the empty cubicle… 

_Great… when will you stop being a disappointment huh?_

Jennie remembers everything in detail.

_“Jennie!” Hoshi catches up with her just in time._

_“Hey Hoshi… what's up?”_

_Jennie didn’t like the look of concern on his face._

_“Is anything wrong?”_

_“You… need another choreo… apparently… uhmmm.. They think what you put out wasn’t enough. I’m so sorry… Please give this your best… they’ll have you written off the program if you don’t.”_

_And Jennie feels her world crumbling again.._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send energy, work is killing my braincells and my patience XD  
> Anyways here you guys go!


	24. Why Drown When You Can Swim?

Lisa heard the news from Hoshi and her heart dropped. 

“Jen! Hey… Jen!” She runs off to catch up with the smaller girl who seemed to have slipped into the afternoon crowd. “Great…”

Lisa sighs heavily…  _ just great... _

* * *

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/24/2017 05:42PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**It’s nothing… Just… How are you?**

**J**

Lisa walks through the park with her hot chocolate. Nothing beats cold weather like hot chocolate.. And maybe the cold she felt inside would finally relent too. 

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Something’s up J… spill.**

**L**

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/24/2017 05:56PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Why would I? You wouldn’t even tell me what’s bothering you too…**

**J**

Lisa takes a deep breath and goes straight for her favorite spot, the cold was back and this time it made her shiver, made her grip and pull the ends of her jacket closer.  _ It’s not helping…  _ She laughs, of course it doesn’t. What she needs is… something she knows she wouldn’t be able to do, and what she wants was far from what she needed. 

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**You’re really not dropping this huh? Not without a fight and all.**

**Okay … grumpy pants. I’ll tell you but you’ve got to promise me that you’ll tell me whatever it is that’s bothering you too. Deal?**

**L**

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/24/2017 06:06PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**That’s more like it :D. Deal.**

**J**

Lisa makes herself comfortable under the big oak tree. The view was, and she has said this multiple times ever since she found the place, beautiful. The kind that made you want to just sit there and look at it, not heavy on the eyes, heavy on the heart. The sun was setting and it gave the cityscape that dull orange hue, with splotches of violet, slowly melding with the midnight blue and black that creeped from the sides. 

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Okay… I'm not good at this whole opening up stuff. This isn’t my thing… but since I promised I’ll tell you.**

**J, I promise I’m fine… it’s just that there’s this flower inside my chest i can’t get rid off. No matter how hard I try. I know flowers are wonderful and all. They all look so pretty right? Except… except, it’s taking root in my heart, shot it’s root straight into it that the roots are all coiled up around it. Squeezing, and squeezing and it’s hard to breathe right? Hard to fight the grip it had when it’s already blooming. I want to take it out and be able to breathe again, but I also like the pain so much I want to keep it. Just because the pain prevents me from making mistakes I’d love to do.**

**L**

Lisa leans against the tree and smiles.  _ When did she get so poetic with her feelings? It should’ve been as easy as black and white right?  _ But then black and white can’t cover the heavy tones of gray, the confusing blues, and the intense purples that swirled, swirled into a picture she had trouble looking at. Sometimes facing the truth can be so hard. So she lies to herself instead.

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/24/2017 06:46PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**Addiction … I know him very well L. Been his friend for the longest of time. He was always there whenever I wanted some escape. He introduced me to sadness, and confusion, and my favorite … guilt.**

**Why drown when you can swim? Why let something so destructive grow inside of you? You’re… you’re sunshine L… I’ve never told you this before, but you’re sunshine and all my friends above, they crave sunshine. They crave it so much they’ll do anything to dim it. They love eclipsing something so beautiful, so pure and destroy it. Why let that happen to you?**

**If you’re afraid of making mistakes, how can you grow?**

**J**

Lisa reads through the response and stares at the scene in front of her. The night looked lovely, so was the flower inside her. She knows J was right, but the thing about addiction is that it latches on to you and makes you feel good about something bad.

She holds onto the pendant, the same one she gave J. Something about it made her calm and more level headed. Lisa laughs, it was in a way a sort of lifeline, an invisible connection she had with J and she clings to it. 

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**When did you become so wise? :’D**

**It’s not the mistake I’m afraid of, nor the hurt that comes after… It’s the consequence. It’s the consequence I’m deathly afraid of, and the truth… the truth that maybe I’m falling for someone I shouldn’t… falling for someone who I… forget about it. You get the picture.**

**Now tell me… what’s wrong?**

**L**

**HEY :)**

**MRJK@nomail.com**

**02/24/2017 07:23PM**

**TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**I hate you. For changing the subject, and for going through that alone… when I’m here for you, but I know if you change your mind, you’d reach out to me first right?**

**J**

**To:MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Of course.. I love you far too much not to.**

**L**

Sometimes… telling the truth hurts in more ways than one.

* * *

Lisa found herself walking all the way back, retracing each step with a certain heaviness. Left, Right. Left, Right. When did she become such an overdramatic person huh? 

“Oomf.” 

“Watch where you’re goi-- Lisa?” 

“Jennie?”

Lisa feels the grip of the roots and the thorns around her heart tighten..

“We should really stop meeting each other this way.”

“What? I like bumping into you… who knows you’d fall over me again.” 

_ It wasn’t a lie.  _

“Yeah? I think I’ll pass.” 

Lisa sees the sadness and she cant help herself. 

“What’s bothering you?”

“Hmmm?”

“What’s bothering you Jennie.”

“Nothing… Look I have to go.” 

Lisa smiles, she seems familiar.

“You remind me of someone…”

“What?” 

“Someone… I like.”

Jennie blushes and Lisa thanks the God’s they’re under a streetlamp, she likes pink on her. 

“You’re talking nonsense again.”

“Made you stay a bit longer though, didn’t it?” 

Lisa chuckles and hears the same thing from Jennie.

“Why are you so annoying…what do you want Manoban?”

“The truth… What’s wrong? I heard… from Hoshi.”

Lisa says it slowly, trying to read into Jennie’s reaction. Jennie massages her temples and sighs.

“What’s the point of asking when you already know what’s up Lisa.”

“Tell me what happened.” 

Jennie looks at her with the saddest expression, it made Lisa want to embrace her. 

“Let’s keep this story for another day okay? I’m tired Lisa. You should get some rest too..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit short, I'm sorry my work got the best of me.  
> Hoping you'd still enjoy though. Lemme know.


	25. If Heaven Had a Taste

Jennie feels and hates it. Feels all too much altogether, and at the same time. 

There was something in the silence that felt off, it felt heavy and suffocating and all sorts of wrong today. The dark dance room always felt like a sanctuary to her, now… now she thinks it’s a prison. Something holding her back from doing things that would’ve been good for her. For how long she’s spent just sitting there before, hiding from all the annoying questions of “Are you fine” and “is something wrong”, hiding from her friends and even hiding from herself, she can’t recall. It’s been so etched into her routine, etched into herself that she feels it become a part of her, an extension of herself. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**02/27/2017 06:47AM**

**TO:** **MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**Hey… what’s bothering you?**

**L**

Jennie thinks of the why’s again. It was always that right? People wanting to understand everything they don’t, regretting it only when the truth wasn’t what they expected. Why...why...why… the same questions over and over again. 

**To:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**I want to be happy L. I want to be happy so much it hurts… I want to be happy but I keep on thinking about sad things.**

**J**

Jennie throws her phone inside her bag, buries it so deep she wishes she won’t be able to see it for a while. 

Was hiding here the right choice? _No…_ was it the best? _Yes…_

Hiding when you’re hurting feels great, but hiding does nothing right? Does nothing but amplify all the fears and everything that made you hurt. Jennie opens the door to one of the dance rooms that was rarely ever used. The stark darkness felt like an embrace, an old friend welcoming her back. 

She turns half of the lights on. Throwing her bag over to the corner and looks at her reflection in the mirror. 

“Why can’t you understand?” 

She smiles ruefully at her reflection before going back to her bag and picking up her mp3 player, hooking the off white player to her sweatpants and putting in both earbuds. Hoshi has chosen such an emotional song for her evaluations she was starting to hate the guy. Upbeat songs were her favorite, all you had to do was dance and make each move look powerful, emotional ones? You’d have to incorporate emotion; something she had trouble showing. 

The music starts and she closes her eyes. 

She takes her time listening to the music and allowing it to flow through her. She listens to the music and takes note of every change, every nuance in the melody and the pace and the way the music is structured. She’d been taught that to dance well… one must become _one_ with the music. 

Jennie starts the song over and this time she takes a deep breath.

The music starts and she moves her hands to the rhythm. Swaying and flicking in tune to the slight nuance in the music.

Jennie opens her eyes and looks at her reflection again as she tries to recall the choreo and incorporating as much emotion as she can in the execution. 

She swirls around and stops. Change of tempo, change of move. Jennie tries to do the change seamlessly, wanting it to look like a continuation rather than an addition to the dance. 

“Jennie?” 

The familiar voice made Jennie turn around.

“What are you doing here?” Jennie pulls the earbuds off and walks towards her bag. 

_Great, why can’t she practice in peace huh?_

“I should be asking you the same thing, but to answer your question… I come here often to work on any new choreo. I’ve noticed no one’s using this room that much. Probably since it’s a bit small and far away from the other rooms.” 

Jennie doesn’t answer… _what’s new, right?_

“If you want, we can practice together... “

“I’m fine..”

“Jennie…” She flinches from the contact, lisa’s grip was surprisingly strong yet gentle at the same time. “I heard what Hoshi said, I can help you.” 

Jennie thinks long and hard. If she fails this time she’s out of YG… that much Hoshi made sure she understood. She knows Hoshi didn’t want to, but knows he had no choice too. 

“Fine.” 

Her answer was enough to make Lisa smile so brightly.

Jennie followed Lisa along as she turned the other half of the room alight, throwing her duffel bag besides Jennies. 

“Okay, let me just set the music up.” 

Lisa crouches down to look for her bluetooth speaker and allowing her phone to connect. Jennie drags herself in front of the mirror and waits for Lisa to finish.

“Okay, we’re all set!” Lisa stands beside her and smiles at her at the mirror.”ready?” 

The music starts and Jennie sways along, allowing her hand to flow with the melody.

“Good… good.” 

Lisa was dancing and giving her her utmost attention, how she does both makes Jennie wonder. Jennie swirls around once and executes the next steps with precision. Lisa just smiles and nods. They went through the whole choreo and Lisa pauses the music giving her another smile. 

“You’re getting pretty good.” 

“That’s because I am.” Jennie huffs and takes in a huge breath of air to steady the beating in her heart.

“But not good enough to impress Hoshi…”

“What do you mean?”

“The moves he teaches are great but this type of music needs heart and soul in order to stand out. You need something different… a fresh new outlook. Dancing with … “ Lisa stops and taps her left foot, hands on her waist.

“What? Dancing with what?” Jennie hates being anxious. 

“You need something different.”

“You just said that Einstein…”

“Come on...let’s try it again.”

Lisa turns to play the music again and Jennie resumes to dancing, only this time Lisa wasn’t beside her anymore.

“Here… you need to make this one more fluid.” 

Jennie almost jumps.

Lisa takes her right hand in her own and spreads it out, guiding her with the movement. Jennie feels it and tries to hide the blush, afraid Lisa would see from the mirrors. _Those damn mirrors._ Lisa’s touch were soft, and light and made Jennie feel really really good. Lisa fingers danced as she danced. Danced against her skin, it burned pictures.

“Now… you should try this…” Lisa’s voice became an octave lower. Her left hand gingerly held her by the waist and slowly pulled her close. Lisa swayed, Jennie feels something inside her drip from her chest to the pit of her stomach. Like a switch it spreads throughout her body, making everything unbearably hot. Lisa pulls her closer and Jennie feels her warmth on her back, hand on her waist, guiding her as she swayed. Right hand softly fleeting, making Jennie shiver.

“Better.” 

Jennie shudders at the way Lisa’s breath caressed her face, feels it against her neck, making Jennie lean in more, exposing more of her neck to Lisa. 

Jennie hears Lisa hum, letting go of her hands and holds her just above the waist, The spot where her crop top ends, running little shapes against her skin. Jennie shudders again and melts into the embrace. 

“Hmmm?” Jennie closes her eyes.

“You should probably do this too.”

Lisa swirls her around, allowing Jennie and Lisa to look at each other face to face. Jennie’s catches her breathe and keeps it in. Lisa was smiling at her. _Sunshine…_ eyes around her waist, as Lisa attempts a good waltz. 

Jennie felt weird and confused. The dripping wouldn’t stop, not until she thinks she’s filled. Filled with what she couldn’t tell now. Lisa eyes’s were beautiful, softness upon softness and Jennie winces at the way she was treating her. 

“How about we try,,,”

Jennie stops her mid sentence as she moved in closer, burying her head against Lisa’s chest as she breathes long and hard. Jennie hummed an appreciative tone, wondering why she was doing this and knowing why. 

“Jennie?...”

“Hmmm…” 

Jennie looks up and sees thirst in Lisa’s eyes. She licks her lips in response and tries to nudge forward, Lisa does the same and before she realizes, begins to comprehend anything she felt Lisa’s lips on her own. 

Jennie smiles into the kiss, making her chuckle. Lisa sees this as an opportunity to deepen the kiss. Lisa pulls her closer and bits on Jennie’s lower lip. NIbbling on the tender flesh before licking the spot that throbbed. Jennie feels the drips inside her swirl, making her knees buckle and she clings. Feels them swirl, shoots up, and explodes. 

“Lisa…” 

Jennie takes a step back to breathe and finds Lisa closing the gap, running an invisible current between them.

“You taste like heaven, if heaven had a taste.” Lisa’s voice cut through the cracks in her walls and Jennie sees them crumbling down around her. “You taste like heaven.”

Jennie nods and pulls her back into a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise.. just because I made it to 11 on wattpad with this Jenlisa story lol :/


	26. Let Me Cry for You

“Please don’t go…” Jennie whispered, afraid that anything louder might scare Lisa away, _don’t go, everyone always leaves._ She kept her eyes closed, still holding on to Lisa’s neck, their foreheads touching.

“Shouldn’t that be my line?” 

Lisa rubs her nose against hers and Jennie feels the taller woman smile. 

“Dance with me?” Lisa’s voice made her open her eyes. 

_There was something there, there was always something there._

“Hmmm.. practice?” 

“No, not that... Let’s... just dance, to anything…and everything at the same time?”

Jennie nods not really understanding, the warmth was creeping up and she was finding it hard to concentrate while Lisa crouches over the phone to look for something to dance to. 

“Hoshi gave you something emotional to work with, let’s uhmmm… let’s try dancing to this one ok?”

Lisa holds her hand out. 

_Inviting…_

Jennie… 

Jennie takes it. Takes it and feels the warmth she’s been craving for, for so long, rush over her. Feels it creep up from her fingertips, sending little sparks. Jennie wonders if Lisa felt it too. She hears the first few notes echo out in the danceroom. Melancholic notes that rang out in strong short bursts. Jennie closes her eyes. Feels Lisa’s gaze on her and she reluctantly relents. Small, clipped moves. Relents to the subtle change in notes. Jennie tries to breathe in everything around her, breathes in everything that hurt, the things that allowed the pain to linger in her for so long. She holds it in, keeping the heaviness inside her chest stirring, keeps it hidden. 

Jennie thinks of the past and everything that came along with it. Feels the memories flow, and takes it with her.

_Irene’s smile, the feeling of her fingers through Jennie’s hair, the small kisses she left, the kisses that left marks in her heart._

Jennie turns around, back against Lisa’s chest as a dark note rings throughout the room, cutting off the nostalgic tones that painted everything inside a heavy midnight blue, slowly spreading out, reaching every corner, oozing from her. 

Lisa holds her by the waist and moves in tune with her, filling in the gaps she couldn’t, and knows she wouldn’t fill. Jennie feels Lisa breathe against her ear and Jennie lets the air inside her out. Letting it out between the long pauses of silence, allows the music to flow and for her emotions to take over. Lisa pulls her closer.

“Let it out.”

Jennie feels the stirring choking her. 

“Trust me, and let it out Jennie.” 

Jennie feels every touch, feels every breath and she dies a little inside, bit by bit. Slowly letting out a shaky breath. 

_“Jennie, I’m so sorry…” Irene’s voice was like a knife, cutting off her heartstrings one by one._

_“St… stop… please, I can… we can still make things work”_

_“We’re too… we’re too … caught up in this dance of yes and no’s and not really knowing where we lie. If we’re black or white or somewhere in between. I … I need something that’s more sure… more...”_

Jennie feels like giving in to the darkness again, that push and pull between running away and staying so she sways, pushes and pulls against Lisa's hold. Lisa tightens her grip and Jennie feels herself being planted firmly in the ground. Something, something about it makes Jennie stay.

She feels her gaze on her, at everything, and at the same time at nothing but her. Jennie breathes, feels the swirls and the waves and it sweeps her, sweeps her to the shore. Where she feels the sun and the sand and the wind and the warmth. 

Something about Lisa’s hold made her feel…

_What? What did it make her feel?_

_Certain?_

_Yes…_

_She feels the familiar hold of certainty. For once, she wasn’t drowning in confusion_

Lisa guides her, where she stops and falters. Lisa spins her around, she smiles and holds her tightly. Fingers skating over her shoulders, slowly, as if wanting to make sure she memorizes each dip, each hollowed part of her. Jennie chokes, feels the waves again and she' s gasping for air. Lisa says nothing and Jennie thinks that silence ... That silence was far more beautiful. That the silence speaks just as strongly as the words in between. 

Lisa laughs, and Jennie finds herself smiling back. Fingers teasing, warmth upon stark coldness. 

“Jennie?”

“Hmmm?”

Jennie finds everything so new. She breaks away and glides. The movement making her feel like the ropes around her were slowly giving way. She skips and finds her heart fluttering…

She thinks of Irene and that night and feels a dull throb, pulling her hands to her chest where it was beginning to hurt. The music has flowed to something more forceful, something more liquid-like. Something that starts out low and dark, and slowly, surely building in intensity. Jennie breaks away and sees Lisa smiling. 

_Maybe...maybe if she._

_No._

_Now was not the time to be unsure._

Jennie reaches out in front of her in a cambré, and changing quickly to a promenade, slowly pivoting her body as she balanced on one leg. 

_“You deserve someone who gives you that… that everything Jennie, and you know it isn’t me.”_

Jennie feels the tears flow and loses balance.

“I’m here… I’m here”

Lisa’s hold on her was light, thoughts of her own fragility made her cry even more.

“Hey… hey… you’re doing good…” 

Lisa steadies her and links her fingers, pulling her 

_Always pulling her._

Lisa falls to her knees and brings Jennie with her. 

“When everything feels too much, let it out. Start here.” Lisa traces a small heart right above where hers should be. “Feel it like water, flowing out of you and into every movement you make.” 

“I don’t think I can…”

“You can.” 

There was a force in Lisa’s voice that made Jennie nod, making her stand. She does a whirl and thinks of nothing but the rush of wind along with the rush of sound. Lisa joins her, catches her hand as she stops. 

The tears were flowing, and she tries nothing to stop it. 

Jennie feels the throb again and she takes it, takes it as she scrunches her hands on her chest and lets it go. Flinging her hands out. 

She leaps.

_Irene’s smiles no longer brought a certain kind of sadness._

Lisa pulls her closer, holds her against her. Hugging her. 

_That night_

_The rain_

_The car_

_The screams_

_Fades…_

Lisa took the lead and she follows, allowing the invisible current around her to flow from her fingers. 

She sees the same look of softness in Lisa’s eyes and Jennie feels the weight falling off one by one. 

_Sadness_

Lisa laughs

_The pain_

Fingers through her hair as she tilts her head to the side, allowing Lisa to place a small gentle kiss against her neck.

_The darkness_

Lisa hugs her and she melts into the embrace. 

_The guilt_

Lisa lets out a ragged, deep breath. Cooling the spot where it burned, the same spot she claimed as hers. 

Jennie wasn’t sure why she was shaking, feels her legs give way as she falls into the embrace even more. Lisa falls with her and they’re both kneeling on the dancefloor. The music slowly fading away. 

Jennie buries her face against Lisa’s chest and breathes in her scent. 

_Vanilla and lilies._

Breathes it in and holds it, trapping it inside her and allows it to mix with the new sensations in her chest. The light, soft fleeting taking root. 

Light yellow, peach and pink.

Jennie was sure she was staining Lisa’s shirt with her tears, but she didn’t care. Not when Lisa’s arms were protectively holding her against the creeping blue and black. She cries and cries until she feels light, until she’s empty she no longer had tears to cry. 

Lisa cups her face and gently brushes her hair back. Kissing away the tears that were stubborn enough to stay on her cheeks.

“You were wonderful, you’re so wonderful.” The softness in her tone made Jennie hiccup. “So so passionate and so full of emotion. I’m proud of you.” 

Jennie feels the last of the ropes around her fall away, and the darkness retreating. She knows, because she was so close to sunshine, the light that drove everything away. Jennie rests her head against Lisa's chest and shakily returns the hug back. 

_Something shifts and Jennie knows it’s for the best._

“So so beautiful…”

Jennie feels Lisa's tears and looks up, a few unasked questions lay between them and Lisa knows just what to say. 

“I’ll cry for the both of us. You’ve been through so much Jennie, let me cry for you.” 

Lisa plants a soft kiss on her forehead…

And Jennie knows... finally understands what it feels like to forgive herself. 

“Thank you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. That was a ride for me...
> 
> A certain someone recommended Arvo Part's Fur Alina and Hans Zimmerman's Time for the music they danced to and I think it sets the atmosphere quite perfectly so thank you <3.


	27. Taste Like the Sea and the Sun

Lisa takes the empty seat beside Jennie, who looked like she’d rather be anywhere but there. The company pantry was empty and Lisa liked it that way. 

“Hey.”

“Hey to you too…” 

Lisa couldn’t help but laugh at the way she blushed, looked away and played with the seams of her red turtleneck. _Red really looked good on her._

“Can you stop laughing please?” 

_Oof. She was cute._

“Can’t help it, sorry.” Lisa gives her a huge smile, before finding her hands beneath the table and playing with her thumb. She drew senseless shapes on Jennie’s skin and she liked how it made Jennie giggle. Lisa leaned in a bit closer. “Do you have plans tomorrow?” She could feel the smaller girl relax as she whispered. 

“No… I’m -- I’m free.” 

Lisa loved the way her voice was both high-pitched and yet sounded so small.

“Perfect. Meet me at the park tomorrow at ten.” 

Lisa planted a quick kiss on her cheek before running off, chuckling at how Jennie squeaked in surprise. 

_This will be fun._

* * *

Lisa watched the last of the snow fall in the past few weeks, watched pristine white change to a myriad of colors for Spring -- her favorite season. Just because everything felt light and so so beautiful. She had a certain affinity for flowers and how they made her so peaceful. She skips over a puddle, chuckling at how the water rippled as a leaf fell on it’s calm surface. 

The first thing Lisa saw was her smile, something about it made her stop. She had her eyes closed as she sat on the park bench looking a lot like a child. Lisa can’t help but feel warm all over. _Could a smile do that?_ She feels the quivers in her chest rattle, making her cough. She coughs out the stirring and hopes to God she doesn’t look like a whipped fool in front of her. 

“Hey.” 

Lisa feels like flying, as Jennie gave her a wide smile (gums and all). 

“Hey…”

Lisa holds her breath. _Fuck, say something idiot._

“Are you just going to stand there and look at me the whole day?” Jennie smirked, giving her a playful smile. 

“That…That sounds like a good plan actually. I wouldn’t mind looking at you the whole day.” 

_Smooth, real smooth casanova._

Lisa laughs, maybe… she was smooth after all. Jennie’s cheeks redden and she swats her away. 

“You’ve got to try harder than that.”

“Really? Your red cheeks says otherwise.” Lisa holds her hand out, waiting for Jennie to take it. “Come on… I have somewhere I’d like to show you.”

Jennie’s hand fits her just fine, and Lisa smiles. Feeling a lot lighter than she ever felt in the past few days. 

“Where to?”

“It’s a surprise.” 

Lisa whispers, resting her forehead against Jennie’s and kissing the tip of her nose. 

“No fair…”

Lisa laughs and she finds it to be one of the easiest things she ever did in her life. 

“Life’s never fair Jennie, but I’m pretty sure you’d like it anyways. Shall we go?”

Jennie nods and Lisa takes this as an opportunity to pull her closer to give her a quick kiss on the lips. Lisa chuckles because she’s sure she’s bound to look like an idiot in love by now.

_Love?_

Lisa feels the heaviness in her chest back, breathing long and hard to try and calm the flutters in her chest. 

_Was she in love?_

“Lisa?” 

“Uhh… yeah… uhm let’s go.”

* * *

Lisa looks on as Jennie ran with her arms wide open, allowing the sea breeze to ruffle her hair. Lisa feels the now familiar feeling tug in her heart, pulling her towards the smaller girl who was twirling as the small waves crashed against her bare ankles. Lisa feels something sweet run through her veins and it makes her want to run after Jennie and embrace her, beneath the sun, with the waves, and the sound of her laughter painting the wind. 

_Clichéd?_

“Lisa!”

She runs after her, her bare feet digging into the sand as she tries to catch up with Jennie. 

“Slow down!” 

“No!” 

Jennie skips to the left, dodging her embrace. 

“Come back!” Lisa was breathless from all the laughing. 

“Catch me…”

Jennie giving her a playful smile before sticking her tongue out. Jennie dashes, the ends of her rolled up jeans already wet from the waves. 

“No fair!” Lisa sprints, holding her hand out to try and grab Jennie’s left hand, but the smaller girl was agile. 

“Oh but Lisa… Life’s not fair!” Jennie laughs.

Lisa finds herself swooning…

“Oooomf.” Lisa tries to jump over some swept up weeds by the seashore and found herself falling face first into the sand, _guess she wasn’t good at estimating how far she needs to leap huh?_

Lisa finds her being swept up into a warm embrace and face being attacked by two soft hands, brushing off the sand. 

“You’re a real big walking clumsy baby, do you know that?” Jennie’s feline eyes softened the moment she tried to give her a smile.

“I’m so sorry ma’am, can you find it in your big beautiful heart to forgive me?” Lisa gave her a big pout, leaning in to try and steal another kiss. 

For a moment, Lisa feels her heart skip a beat, the pounding getting louder and louder. Much, much louder than before that she fears Jennie could hear it, hear it craving for the shorter girl’s smile. 

Jennie leans in and Lisa closes her eyes. Holding her breath, enough to calm the butterflies, before they try to escape and flutter through her ribcage. 

“Yeah right, maybe next time.” 

She jumps in surprise as Jennie splashed her in the face with water, making her squeal. 

“Jennie Kim!” 

Lisa tackles her into the ground, careful not to be too rough as she attacks her side. Making Jennie squeal. 

“Stop! Stop!” 

Sand was beginning to get thrown everywhere, making Lisa laugh along to Jennie’s muffled pleas of surrender. 

“Li...Lisa…yaaa. Stoooop, I ...I concede!” Jennie was red in the face and was trying to push her away but failed to do so.

Lisa thinks it was the way Jennie was laughing, and a part of her believes it was partly due to the way the sunlight was kissing her, making her glow as she laughed with the waves. But Lisa knew… it was something far more powerful than that. 

She leans in and holds both of Jennie’s hands, keeping them pinned above her head. She sees the way Jennie’s breath hitches and the lazy way her eyes fluttered as she hovered just above her parted lips 

“Lisa?”

She could feel her warm breath tickle the tips of her nose.

“Hmmm?”

“I … I…”

Lisa closes the gap and gives her a quick peck. Quick enough to make her relax.

“Yes?”

“Thank you…”

“For what?”

Lisa traces Jennie’s smile with butterfly kisses. 

“For driving the darkness away, and...”

“Hmmmm”

Lisa pulls away briefly, enjoying the way Jennie let out a shaky breath, a look of regret crossing her delicate features. She gives her a long kiss on the forehead, taking her time before Jennie continues. 

“And for… making me… feel so happy again.”

Lisa chuckles and traces Jennie’s nose with light kisses before finding her lips. She tasted like the sea and it made Lisa smile. _Tasted like the sea and the sun._ The noon sun burned against her skin, but Lisa doesn’t mind. Not when she had the most beautiful girl pinned beneath her, her taste on her lips, and her hold on her heart. 

Lisa doesn’t see the glint of silver that peeked just below Jennie’s collarbone, before being buried back into the yellow sweater.

“Let’s have lunch, yeah?”

Jennie’s plump lip quivered and it made Lisa kiss the tender spot softly before nodding. 

“Of course… lunch…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha enjoy this filler chapter while I work on tomorrow's update, sorry forgot I had a game today and was only able to work on this short chapter. I'll make it up to you guys tomorrow. <3\. Enjoy and everyone have a wonderful day ahead! 
> 
> (not much feeling but hopefully it's fluffy enough?)


	28. Where...Did You Get That?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOWDY :)

Jennie looked at the egg in front of her with as much scrutiny as she could. 

“What’s this?”

“I’ll tell you after, first… try it.” Lisa gave her a huge grin, which only meant two things -- she’s about to be pranked, or she’s about to be pranked. That’s right, no in betweens. 

_ They’ve walked along the beach towards the shops in search for something to eat. Jennie loved the way the waves came crashing against her feet, it felt cool against her skin which contrasted with how warm the sand felt. Lisa held her hand all throughout the walk and it made Jennie smile, anything Lisa did was making her smile lately.  _

_ They wove through the many different street vendors, keeping to the shade and playing a little game of walking only on shadows, anyone who didn’t gets a pinch on the cheeks. Jennie thinks Lisa walked on the sun kissed sand on purpose, laughing as she gets her fifth pinch of the day.  _

_ “Jennie! Look!” Lisa pulled her towards an old man who was giving them a toothless smile. “You’ve got to try this at least once in your life!” jumping up and down in excitement.  _

_ The old man looked at her and held out what looked like an egg. Except… it wasn’t as white as the normal ones. It had a ghostly gray color and was much much heavier.  _

_ She gave Lisa a confused look, but all she got in return was that goofy grin.  _

“I swear Lisa if this is some sort of prank I’ll --”

Lisa leaned in, giving her a quick kiss on the lips.

“I love your voice. I really do, except … eat?” 

Jennie felt her cheeks warming, Lisa’s laugh made her heart flutter.

“Here, let me show you how it’s eaten.” Lisa takes her egg in her hands and taps it against the wall of a stall that sold souvenirs, cracking the top just enough for Lisa to poke a hole into it’s shell. “You drink the juices inside.” 

Lisa hands it back to her and she hesitates. 

“Come one Jen, it’ll be delicious I promise.” 

Lisa’s smile looked different, there was something in the way she looked at her that made her place the egg against her lips, tilt her head upwards and allowed the warm liquid to flow.

_ Delicious.  _

Lisa was looking at her expectantly, and she can’t contain the giggle building in her chest.

“So?”

Jennie stays silent and works on her smirk.

“Jen…” Lisa was giving her puppy dog eyes. “Please…?”

_ Urgh, why can’t she resist her?  _

“Fine… it ... was... “ Jennie takes her time saying each word and placing emphasis in the silence in between them

“What? It was what??” 

Jennie can’t help but laugh.

“Jennie!” Lisa was pouting now and was pulling on the sleeves of her sweater. Jennie rolled them up to her elbows because of the heat, and Lisa was intent on pulling them back down. 

“Fine! Fine! It was good!” 

Lisa grins and lets go.

_ Beautiful…  _

“Now eat the rest of it.” 

Jennie looks back at the cracked egg in her hand, picking at the shell until she had half of the egg opened. 

_ Pick… _

_ Pick… _

“What the fuck?!” 

Jennie almost drops the egg, if not for Lisa’s quick reflexes.

“Lisa! You said no pranks!” 

Lisa was red in the face laughing.

“I … I…” 

Jennie tries her best not to look at the little embryo, it’s little bird head peeking up from the cracked shell. 

“Okay.. okay… I’m sorry. I wasn’t really pranking you though.” 

Jennie gives her the evil eye, making Lisa wince. 

“Look, this here is called a Balut. It’s very famous midnight delicacy in the Philippines, sold on the streets.” Lisa holding the egg up, waving it in the air like a prize. “It’s a developing duck embryo, which explains this fella.”

Jennie tried her best not to cringe.

“I used to eat them when I went there for vacation.”

“I’m not sure why you’re making me eat this…”

“Something new and different.” Lisa wiggled her eyebrows, shrugged her shoulders and handed her the egg. “Close your eyes, makes it easier.”

Jennie takes the balut egg from Lisa with shaky hands. Taking a deep breath, she gulps down the content with closed eyes and chews fast. She tries hard to ignore the feeling of crushed bones as she swallowed. 

“So?”

_ It was weirdly delicious. _

Jennie scrunched her nose and shakes her head, trying to get rid of the image of the egg from her mind.

“It… was weirdly delicious.” 

“Really?” Lisa looked in innocent fascination and Jennie wanted so much to lean in… “Did you like it?” 

Jennie shakes her head slowly, biting her lower lip.

“You didn--”

Jennie ignores the pounding in her chest and leans in, pulling Lisa’s hand. She liked how soft Lisa’s lips felt, and the little soft moan she gives out whenever their lips meet. Lisa… Lisa taste like honey and makes her think of sunny mornings. 

“I loved it.” Jennie whispered against Lisa’s lips.

* * *

“What’s with you and Filipino food Lisa?”

Jennie looks at the taller girl who was smiling.They’ve decided to walk further down and Lisa pulled her into the first Filipino restaurant she saw. 

“I… miss it, and it’s hella delicious.” 

Lisa placed chicken in what looked like brown marinated sauce on her plate along with some rice.

“This is adobo, and it’s --”

“Another delicious delicacy…” Jennie gave her another smirk,  _ she was beginning to like finishing Lisa’s sentences.  _

“Yes… yes it is. It’s cooked with soy sauce and a bit of vinegar. If you want to know what Filipino food tastes like, you’ve got to get adobo. This here…. “ Lisa scoops up vegetables covered in a thin film of light brown sauce onto her plate. “Is chop suey, it’s not a Filipino dish, it’s more Chinese in origin, but it’s another famous dish there that I’ve come to love.”

“Wait… why do you know so much about it?”

“My father’s a chef, and he used to travel around a lot and tried to learn native dishes from each country he visits. One of the countries he visited before was the Philippines, this brings fond memories I had with him.” 

“Is he… Is he --”

“Oh no, no… it’s nothing like that.” Lisa shook her head, her bangs fell more to the side revealing a bit of her forehead, which made Jennie chuckle.  _ This was a rare sight.  _ “He’s back in Thailand with mom… I, I just miss them that’s all.”

“Then why didn’t we get Thai food instead?”

Lisa leaned in, signaling Jennie to come closer. 

“I’d like to try out new things with you Jen, a sort of an adventure just for the two of us.” 

Jennie feels her heartstrings give way, quivering as she tried to look away. Lisa was looking at her with such affection when she whispered that she fears looking back might show Lisa more than what she was willing to accept for herself. 

“Hey Jen?”

Jennie feels Lisa’s gaze and nods instead. 

“Look at me?”

_ She was so unfair … how could she say no when she sounded so… _

“Hmmm?”

“You look so beautiful, can I kiss you?” 

Jennie feels her heartbeat intensify.

“You… you what?”

Lisa reaches out and cups her face, making Jennie blush. Lisa ran her thumb against her cheeks, and the little motions made Jennie hitch her breath. Lisa leaned in and kissed the tips of her nose. Lisa pulls back a little before giving her a lopsided grin and leaning back in to kiss her on the lips. 

_ Drip… _

She feels the same warm feeling drip from her chest to the pit of her stomach as she returns the kiss. 

_ Drip..  _

She feels a little braver and parts Lisa lips using her tongue, wanting so much to taste her again. Jennie pulls her closer, deepening the kiss, their tongue in a silent dance. She feels the drips intensify and she lets out a soft moan, making Lisa smile. She weaves her hand through Lisa hair, tilting her head to change the direction of the kiss. Jennie feels Lisa’s left hand find balance on the table.

“Ooof.” 

The small bowl with soy sauce bounced off the table and rolled, disappearing beneath a table a couple of feet away from them. The stain on Jennie’s sweater looked odd, dark brown seeping into the fabric of her favorite yellow sweater. 

“Oh shit! I’m so sorry!” Lisa scrambled to grab the table napkin, running off to her side to try and dab at the brown liquid. 

“Hey… hey, it’s… it’s fine Lisa. Don’t worry.”

“But the stain…”

“It’s getting warmer anyway. I’ll just take it off and bring it to the laundry later, they’ll know what to do.”

Jennie held Lisa’s hands to stop her from wiping. 

“But…”

Jennie takes the opportunity to kiss her on the cheek.

“Really, stop. It’s fine.”

Jennie smiles at the way Lisa looked away, red. 

She grabs the ends of her sweater and pulls it over her head, Jennie pulls harder but it seems the sweater got caught somewhere and she can’t see anything.

“Uhh.. maybe you.. You could help me with this.”

Jennie feels Lisa’s hands on the sweater pulling.

“Where… did you get that?” 

She pulls off the sweater and sees Lisa looking at her with a weird expression. 

“Get what?”

“That.”

Jennie follows Lisa line of sight and sees her pendant, glistening under the sunlight from the restaurant windows. A soft sea breeze brushes through Jennie and she could smell the sea,

She runs her hand over the diamonds, and doesn’t realize she was smiling. 

“Someone… important, gave it to me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo sorry for not being able to update as soon as I promised, a lot has happened. Hope this makes it up for the absence, 
> 
> Hello to my fellow Filo moots! Kaway-kaway! :D


	29. She's Special...and So Are You

She sees the silver catch the light, glinting. Catching the sunlight and bouncing it off, where it falls quite dull inside Lisa’s heart. 

“Someone?…”

“Someone important.” Jennie’s smile looked beautiful and innocent, not a trace of darkness.

Lisa subconsciously reaches for her own necklace, tracing the pendant through the material of her shirt, feeling the little grooves and dents that the diamonds that adorned it made.

_Someone important…_

The pendant looked exactly like what she had given J…

_Surely, it was just coincidence._

“Lisa?”

Jennie’s brows were furrowed and Lisa found it hard to speak, not really knowing what to say.

“Are you fine?”

“Ye..Yeah I am.” 

“Are you sure?” 

_No_

“Of course.” Lisa gave her a smile, trying hard to make sure it look genuine at least. 

Jennie smiled back, and Lisa finds it hard to breathe. Something, something inside of her was stirring the flowers and it tangled with her heart in the most painful of ways. _Why? She wasn’t even sure herself…_ Jennie motions for the check and cradles her chin on her hands and gave Lisa another one of her gummy smiles. 

_Important_

_Important_

_Someone important…._

The same words played out over and over inside Lisa’s mind. 

“What’s wrong? You look sick… Are you fine?” 

Jennie’s voice cut through the haze that had taken most of her and she looks up to meet Jennie’s gaze. Seeing her worry made it hurt more, made her more confused. 

“I am.”

“Am what? Sick? Fine? Am what Lisa?”

“I need to go to the bathroom real quick, excuse me.”

Lisa bolts to the direction of the restrooms and closes the door harder than she should. Locking it with shaky hands. 

The stirring was becoming more and more uncomfortable, making it hard to focus. Lisa tries to take deep slow breaths, it did nothing to help the building intensity of the pounding. She runs her fingers through her hair and coughs up each outtake of breath. Something heavy wormed its way into her chest, pulling on, and dragging her heart, but in the bad kind of way. Not the good kind that filled her with warmth and made her giddy, this one… this one made her want to vomit and made her restless, and anxious. 

“Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You?!” 

Lisa says each word with force along with expelling breaths that were stubborn enough to stay, making the heaviness stronger. 

She tried to close her eyes and focused on the breathing. 

_In … out…_

Focus on the good things, 

_In...out…_

Her laugh, the way her eyes would turn to slits when she laughed, her little jumps when she’s laughing, and god… her smile. 

_In…_

Her smile… her smile… one laced with innocence and with such pure happiness

_Someone important…_

_Out…_

The same words that echoed out inside her mind was beginning to drip with black and red. Lisa tries her best not to grit her teeth, failing miserably as her jaw clenches, making her temple throb. 

She rests her forehead against the door and breathes in a gulp of air. This time, Lisa allows it to swirl in her lungs a bit longer, allows it to settle. It gives her a forced sense of calmness as she tries to breathe it out slowly, allowing the air to bring along whatever was inside her that was causing this to come out. 

“Lisa?”

Lisa jumps in surprise, making her hit her head against the locked door. 

“You’ve been gone a while. What’s wrong?”

Lisa scrambles to open the lock and finds an angry looking Jennie by the door. 

“I’m… I’m fine…”

“No, you’re not”

Jennie moves closer, making Lisa wince from the sudden disregard of personal space.

“You don’t seem to have a fever.”

Jennie’s hand felt warm against her forehead and Lisa could see every speck of black and brown of Jennie's eyes. The same ones flooding with worry, hiding frustration and anger she notes was slowly coming out. Jennie comes closer and brushes off her bangs to the side and tries to feel for anything out of the ordinary. _Which Lisa was sure, there was none. Not when she’s sick inside, sick with something invisible to the eye._ Lisa finds the distance to be so close, so suffocating at the moment that she tries to look away, nervously tapping her hands against her leg. Lisa realizes this is a bad thing to do, as Jennie forgets about her forehead for a bit, taking Lisa’s shaky hands into her own. 

“They’re so cold Lisa…”

Jennie’s soft voice made her shiver, the softness pulling at her chest, making her feel more heavy and upset. 

She takes them closer to her mouth and blows on the tips. Warm breath against her clammy fingertips. Jennie blows so softly and gently, that Lisa feels bad for being so stupid and emotional at something they both have no control over. Jennie fills the spaces between her fingers with warm air, making Lisa relax. 

“We’ll get them warm in no time.” Jennie pulls them closer, allowing them to brush against her lips as she blew. The heaviness lingered, choking her. She feels Jennie’s kiss against her skin and she closes her eyes to prevent from tearing up.

“We should get home, you can rest there for a bit. I’ve already called for a cab.”

Lisa says nothing, but nods along.

* * *

The ride back to Jennie’s apartment felt awkward, and Lisa feels bad for allowing it to be. Jennie was trying to make small talk and asked her if everything was fine. Lisa was stupid enough to answer with nods and shakes.

_“Lisa, can you tell me what’s wrong?”_

_Lisa looked through the dirt fogged window, at the busy street, at anything but her. She could feel Jennie’s frustration build up and she wants to reach out too, tell her everything’s fine and that this was nothing but a small little jealousy she was trying so hard to get rid off. But it was hard… hard to tell the truth, when she thinks the truth might be too much and scare off what she thinks is one of the best things that ever happened in her life._

_She heard the smaller grunt beside her._

_“Are you not talking to me?”_

_Lisa shrugs_

_“Fine. Well… let’s try and talk when we get there. Deal?”_

_Lisa takes a deep breath and nods._

Jennie opens the door to her apartment with as much force as a tornado, making it shake on its hinges. 

_Such force for someone so small…_

Lisa almost smiled, _almost._

“Wait for me in the living room, and make yourself at home” Jennie sounded clipped and the sharpness in her tone when they first met was back. “I’ll just change into something more comfortable, do you want to borrow a t-shirt?” 

Lisa shakes her head, making Jennie roll her eyes in response before slamming the door of her bedroom shut. 

_Great Lisa, just great…._

* * *

Lisa sat at the far end of the couch with Jennie on the other side, she changed into a fresh blue oversized tshirt and had both her legs up on the couch. Jennie was facing her and glaring. Enough to tear holes into her if such a thing was possible. Lisa pretended to be amused by the dark blue of her jeans. 

“I’m not going to ask again Manoban. What’s wrong?”

Her icy tone was back too. 

“Nothing Jen… I’m fine really…”

“I’m not stupid. I can see when something’s wrong. I have eyes, dammit.”

Lisa flinches and looks back at Jennie who looked like she was holding back tears.

“Di..Did I do something wrong or…”

_God no…._

Lisa found herself kneeling on the floor beside her. Jennie hugged her legs and buried her face, trying her best not to shake as she cried.

“Jen… no… you, you did nothing wrong..” Lisa drew circles on her back. 

“Then why won’t you fucking tell me what’s bothering you.”

Lisa almost falls on her back as Jennie whirled to look at her straight in the eyes. 

“Why won’t you tell me?” 

The sadness and disappointment in Jennie’s voice made it harder for Lisa to answer,

“See? God! Why do I destroy everything that’s good?” 

Jennie stands up and walked past her, and Lisa wants to kick herself for staying there stunned. She hears the ruffle of clothes and the sound of shoes being worn. 

“Wait! Jennie!” 

Lisa catches up with her by the door, her back turned.

“Look… I, I was just being stupid.”

Jennie doesn’t answer so she continues 

“I was bothered by the necklace… and the way you smiled when you looked at it and the --”

She feels the air being knocked out of her, as she struggled to balance herself. Jennie had her arms around her neck and Lisa’s heart quivered as she feels the cold tears against her neck.

“I was… I was being stupidly jealous at whoever gave you that.”

She feels Jennie shake.

“Dummy.”

“What?”

“She’s special ...and so are you.” 

Lisa feels the heaviness again and tries to shrug it off. 

“Really?”

“Yes…”

“Will you tell me more about her?” 

Lisa tries to swallow the heaviness away. 

Jennie lets her go briefly and plants a soft kiss against her cheek before hugging her more tightly this time. 

“Everything you want to know Lisa, everything…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY! >_<
> 
> and for that balut scene, that obvs made a lot of people uncomfortable lol.


	30. I'm Pure Darkness and She's Sunshine

Lisa looked at their intertwined hands and wondered how they fit each other so well. She ran her thumb up and down Jennie’s and watches the shorter girl take a deep breath and her shoulders relaxing as she snuggled closer against her. Lisa loved the way it made her all warm inside, despite the heaviness that still lingered. They were back to the comfort of the sofa and Jennie had insisted they cook dinner together instead of ordering take out.

_“I’m tired of eating take out food Lisa.” She whined_

_“You should keep me far away from the kitchen Ms. Kim. Far… far away, consider this a warning in good faith. I will not be held responsible for everything and anything inaudible and for every broken kitchen utensil.” Lisa feels her voice quivering from trying not to laugh._

_Jennie’s laugh rang out against the silence inside the apartment, making Lisa smile._

_“Urgh, the great Manoban not knowing how to cook? I thought your father was a chef?”_

_“That doesn’t mean I’m good at cooking, simply means I’m a good eater.” Lisa gives her a huge grin and her trademark shoulder shrug._

Jennie snorts in annoyance, pulling Lisa from her thoughts.

“What?”

“I’ve been talking to a wall for a good whole minute.”

Lisa chuckles and uses her free hand to pull Jennie closer. Jennie had her back against her and Lisa takes this opportunity to rest her chin on Jennie’s shoulder, smiling every time the shorter girl squirmed. She liked teasing her with soft tickles, as her fingers skate just where Jennie’s t-shirt hitched, revealing a bit of skin.

“Stop!”

“Hmmmm…”

“Lisa-yah!”

“Dinner?”

“We just had lunch!”

Lisa loved hearing her name on her lips.

“So?”

“So…”

“Uhuh, so?”

“Stop that.”

Lisa felt her give another snort of annoyance and she takes this as an opportunity to attack her with tickles. Jennie squirms and jerks her hand away a little too forcefully, hitting her straight in the cheek. She feels the impact of Jennie’s elbow and groans as she tries to pull back.

“Ooof!”

Lisa loses balance and falls face first on to the floor.

“Shit!”

Soft warm hands cupped her face, brushing away hair that made it hard for Lisa to clearly see her face. Her being against the light was already doing a pretty good job at that, and her hair helping was making her frustrated.

“We have got to stop doing this, yeah?” she sounded breathless, as Jennie traced her cheeks with butterfly kisses.

“Stop what? The kissing? I’ll be happy to oblige.” Jennie pulls away, making her groan.

“No! I meant the hitting me, the me falling all over the place.”

“Uhuh, and the kissing?” Jennie’s eyes lit up with mischief, and Lisa didn’t want to know where this was headed. _Or maybe she wanted to…secretly_

“Not the kissing.”

“Never the kissing?”

“Never…”

Jennie swooped in closer, touching the tip of Lisa’s nose with her own. She gave Lisa a sleepy grin and brushed her nose against her, her lips were so close that Lisa couldn’t resist but lean in to try and get another kiss.

“Nope.”

Jennie pulled back, making Lisa give out an even louder groan.

“No kisses for you,”

“But…”

Lisa tried her best to come up with a wounded look but ended up making Jennie laugh instead of being worried, made her laugh so much that she was practically rolling on floor beside her.

“You sho..should’ve seen yo..your face!” Jennie was breathless and clung to the sleeves of Lisa’s shirt, pulling her closer. “You should do that more often…”

“Do what more often? Bang my head against doors? Fall on my butt at the beach, get knocked out of the sofa?” Lisa was smiling now.

“Make me laugh more often…dummy”

Jennie’s response made Lisa stammer, not that Jennie wasn’t a master at that already. She feels the flower in her chest bloom into a myriad of colors and she finds herself utterly breathless, speaking now might make her spill things she shouldn’t, wasn’t even sure of.

“I …uh… su..sure.”

Jennie scrunches her nose and pulls Lisa closer, grabbing her collar until their faces were inches from each other.

“You awkward, nervous, clumsy piece of fluff.”

Jennie closes the gap, her lips crashing against her. Lisa feels the flowers in her throat, deliciously filling her with sweetness and lightness. Jennie tasted like cinnamon, making Lisa smile against the kiss. Jennie pushed into her, sloppily biting into her bottom lip. A habit Lisa could get used to whenever they kissed.

“And accident prone… you forgot accident prone.” Lisa was trying to even out her breathing.

“Synonymous to clumsy you big oaf”

“Do that again.”

Jennie had a hazy look on her eyes as she struggled to keep eye contact with her, subconsciously licking her lip.

“Do what again?”

“Call me names, it’s hot.” Lisa could feel her cheeks burning.

_What the freaking fuck was she talking about? Call me names? Urgh… you could do better than that Manoban_

“You’re a giant dumbass, but you're my giant dumbass.”

Jennie pulls her in for a quick peck, her hot breath tickled her lips.

“Dinner…”

“I’m not so hungry anymore.”

Jennie was already up and pulling her up along with her, and Lisa pondered on pulling her back to the ground.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“What?”

“You were thinking of pulling me back, I know that look. Now come on… dinner…”

Lisa loved hearing her laugh, loved it even more when it was because of her.

* * *

Lisa had her hands elbow deep in brownie batter, as Jennie struggled to stop laughing.

“What?!”

Jennie doesn’t answer, but instead doubles over against the kitchen counter struggling to breathe in between fits of laughter.

“You will be the death of me.”

“Hey!”

“Sorry…” Jennie held her hands up in defeat. “It’s not my fault you suck at following intructions.”

“You said to beat the batter by hand!”

With this Jennie went through another fit of laughter, making Lisa smile.

“Oh Lisa…”

Jennie walked up to her with an amused expression, a whisk in hand.

“You… are… a… big…--”

“Dufus? Dumbass? Dummy?”

Jennie kisses the tips of her nose, and takes the bowl of batter away.

“Child.”

“Why the sudden show of kindness Ms. Kim?” Jennie had her back against her as she brought the bowl over to the table and whisked.

“You beat it with a whisk, by hand… not electronically…” Jennie’s voice was so soft, it made Lisa’s heart flutter.

She walked up to her slowly and rested her chin on Jennie’s shoulder, watching in awe at the graceful way Jennie was mixing the batter.

_Lisa admits everything Jennie did was graceful, even when she was clumsy -- she was gracefully clumsy_

Jennie whirls around to look at her, and Lisa finds the flowers in her throat again making it hard to talk.

“I promised to tell you everything…”

Lisa feels the floor under her give way and she struggles to keep her balance and her face emotionless.

_Why bring that up now…_

“We can talk about it at a later time… why don’t we continue with dinner, yeah?”

Lisa tries to grab the bowl from her but Jennie was quicker.

“But, we need to talk about it now.”

Lisa tries her best to keep herself from answering back with a smart retort. So she tries to run her hands through her hair, forgetting that it’s caked with chocolate, flour, eggs and god knows what else.

“Hey!”

Jennie catches her arm in time, before she stupidly and successfully cakes her hair with the batter.

“What’s wrong?” Jennie’s voice was laced with so much sincerity that she finds herself shaking her head in response. “Talk, Lisa. What’s wrong?”

“No..nothing. Nothing’s wrong. You should continue, you were about to tell me all about her.” lisa knows she can’t hide the quiver in her voice as the heaviness from before was back. Mixing with the bloom inside her that she finds it hard… to talk, and to share whatever it is that’s bothering her. Because she’s always been like that… silent, when all she wanted to do was tell Jennie that talking about the person who gave her the necklace wasn’t helping her dark mood and it was surely destroying the fun little bubble they had.

The same look of utter happiness was back on Jennie’s face, and it made the heaviness in her heart hurt even more. Squeezing, lacing it with thorns that buried too deep, every breath felt like her last.

“She’s someone special…”

“I know.” Lisa couldn’t help it, and she sees Jennie look up. She gives her an apologetic smile, anything to show her she can continue.

“She gave this as a gift, and I… I’m very thankful to her for doing so. She helped me out with some pretty heavy stuff, dark…heavy stuff that I didn’t realize I could escape and… she’s just too good Lisa. Just too good and if it weren’t for the darkness inside me… I would’ve..”

“Would’ve what?” Lisa’s voice broke, oozing with sarcasm and that stupid green eyed monster that wouldn’t leave her in peace.

Jennie doesn’t miss this and gives her a confused look.

“Would’ve what Jennie? Come on, finish it. You wanted to talk about this right?” Lisa said it a bit too harshly and instantly regretted the little burst of jealousy the moment it came out.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you?!”

Jennie’s face was red and Lisa see’s anger, bright red hues all over.

“I didn’t mean to…” Lisa tries to move closer, wincing at every step Jennie takes away from her.

“She’s… god! Why did I even bother? If you can’t even keep your jealousy in check?” Jennie whirls around too sudden that she bumps into the counter. “Shit…”

“Jennie please be careful, look what I meant was…”

Jennie takes a handful of flour and throws it at her, filling the distance between them with a rain of white.

“Stay away from me!”

Lisa wanted so much to run after her and hold her, but knew it wasn’t the best choice…

“She’s a friend!”

Off goes another egg, right past her right ear falling into a wet heap on the floor.

“She’s a friend who I think I don’t deserve!” Sugar fell, creating little mounds of brown on the floor allowing it to mix with the white of the flour and most of them splattered across Lisa’s chest.

“She’s a friend Lisa… just a friend… who… will never see me the same way even if we’d met, because I’m pure darkness and she’s… she’s sunshine.”

Lisa allows the wet, egg laced spoon to bounce against her shoulder as she froze in her tracks.

“She’s what..?”

Jennie’s red died down to a brown, as she slumped against her refrigerator door with tired eyes.

“Sunshine… L… L was sunshine and she doesn’t deserve someone as broken as me.”

Lisa feels the heaviness drip, feels the hold of it in her chest.

_Sunshine… L… the same goddamn necklace… why didn’t she see these similarities before? This… is… this why she felt so familiar?_

Lisa rushes to where Jennie was and gives her a quick kiss, making Jennie jump in surprise.

“I’m sorry, for being jealous… silly jealousy over someone so special to you.” Lisa gives her a soft smile.

“Wha..what do you mean.. I should be the one apologizing for lashing out at you when your feelings were…valid.”

Lisa caresses Jennie’s face and laughs at the way the shorter girl’s eyes panicked the moment she realized Lisa was smearing batter all over her face.

“Lisa-yah!?”

“Payback, for all the things you threw at me… Feels like you were trying to get me inside the oven and bake me along with the brownies…” Lisa whispered, tracing a small kiss against Jennie’s nose. Kissing her quickly on the corner of her mouth. “This L gal sounds pretty neat and wonderful. When do I get to meet her?” Lisa licks some of the batter off Jennie’s cheeks making the smaller girl squirm.

“I .. haven’t even met her yet.”

_Good _.__

“oh?”

Lisa gives Jennie a questioning look.

“We’ve.. been talking solely through e-mails…” Lisa finds it cute how she tries to avoid eye contact.

“You’ll meet her soon enough.”

Lisa licks at the batter again, before being taken over by a strong urge to nibble at her cheeks. She takes a deep breath and takes a small bite, nibbling at the soft tender skin, making Jennie push at her.

“Eeek!”

Lisa laughs and sees Jennie glaring at her.

“What the fuck was that?!”

Lisa closes the gap again, kisses the part she bit and takes another soft bite, careful to lick the spot right after.

“I just had to… it looked real chubby.. couldn’t help it sorry.” Lisa whispered against Jennie’s ear, making her shiver.

Jennie wraps her arms around Lisa’s neck and pulls her in fro a deep kiss. The kind that made the drips inside her drip even more, more forcefully, and much much faster. Warming her to the core and making her… crave more.

Jennie’s tongue played with her own and she feels breathless all over again.

“Lisa…” there was something in Jennie’s voice that made Lisa look into her eyes. “I… we, need to … uhm…”

Lisa has never seen Jennie this flustered, and this red.

She takes the opportunity to kiss her again, this time putting pressure. Maneuvering her knee against Jennie’s center, putting just enough pressure there too, making her let out a low moan. She feels Jennie’s hands against the cold skin of her back, nails digging into the soft flesh, making her bite Jennie’s lips in response. Her hands went higher…

“Lisa..”

_Higher… fingers skating just beneath her breast, drawing little circles that made her hitch her breath and push at Jennie more._

“We should…”

Small butterfly kisses against her chin

“Hmmm”

Jennie kisses her neck, bites into it rather hard making her close her eyes as Jennie sucked.

Jennie pulls away, and Lisa groans in annoyance.

“We should clean up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry was away for long, hope this makes up for it... :D


	31. The Neighbors Might Hear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY TIME FOR SOME RATED 18+ MATURE CONTENT Y'ALL... FORGIVE ME IF IT'S CRINGEY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

_We should clean up?_

_Really? Jennie? That’s the only thing you can come up with?_

She feels something in her flare up the moment Lisa kissed her, something warm trickling down into the pit of her stomach the moment Lisa’s knee pushed into her. She grips the towel so hard, her knuckles were turning white, it was hard to get rid of the warmth in her, making her bite her lip to stop herself from moaning.

She looked up to see Lisa turning the faucet on and running her batter caked hands under the water, watches in awe as she slowly ran her hands up and down her elbow, so slowly, in circles… that Jennie feels the warmth in her again. Warmth spreading, faster. She stood up slowly, careful not to take the taller girl’s attention as she went over to the counter. Jennie liked that the corners were as tall as her hip, and ashamed to admit she was pushing herself against it, pushed against the corner until she feels the pressure inside her flare up.

She watches the motions Lisa was doing with her hands, up and down, up and down, clockwise…slowly, up and down… Jennie feels herself grind against the counter slowly, closing her eyes, trying to get the pressure to let up. She feels her own self, breathing heavily, a soft groan leaving her lips as she realized whatever it was she was doing was not helping at all. If anything, all it did was intensify the craving, the pressure inside her that she needed release from.

“Jennie?”

Jennie almost drops the towel in her hands.

“Are you okay?”

_No…_

“Ye..yeah.. we should uhmm… fix everything up and …” Jennie tried her best to steady the quiver in her voice but failed miserably.

Lisa comes closer, half of her hands still dripping with water and brown gooey chocolate batter. Dripping all over the floor. Jennie takes in a big gulp as she watches the beads of water glide over Lisa’s skin, creating brown streaks against creamy white.

“You’re all red.” Lisa’s voice dropped two tones lower, making her sound huskier and Jennie couldn’t help but pull her closer claiming her mouth in a sloppy wet kiss.

Jennie feels Lisa’s jaw tense, feels the soft moan against her lips. Jennie took this opportunity to run her hands slowly inside her shirt. Warm, soft. She feels Lisa shiver as she snaked her hands slowly against her abdomen to her back, tracing softly, fingers teasing until she dug her nails deep into Lisa’s back making her break away from their kiss to let out a loud moan.

“Shhhh… the neighbors might hear.” Jennie kisses her again to silence her. Opening her mouth to allow Lisa’s tongue to meet her own.

Jennie’s fingers grazed Lisa’s hot skin, fluttering touches, soft and slow, fingertips barely grazing. Jennie smiles as she feels Lisa’s heavy breathing, she flits over the soft skin just beneath Lisa’s breast and digs into the flesh rather hard, scratching at the tender spot. Lisa pushes against her closer, letting out a soft growl.

“You…I … I need you.”

Lisa pulls at her t-shirt, smearing chocolate all over blue. Pulls at the t-shirt quite hard that anything more might tear the fabric.

“You… you’ll have batter all over me.” Jennie could barely speak from the way Lisa was kissing her.

The only answer she had was a growl and her t-shirt being pulled until it was halfway, exposing her stomach.

“Li…LIsa…”

Lisa moves to run nibbles against the corner of her mouth, light kisses tracing her chin until she was buried in the crook of Jennie’s neck. She feels sharp teeth bite into her flesh and she grabs Lisa’s hair, making the taller one smile against her skin. The way Lisa’s tongue swirled against the hotness of her skin and the tiny pinprick of pain as she bit into it again made the pressure all too unbearable for Jennie. She feels her sucking, claiming her as her own.

“Sho…shower… now.”

She pushes a panting Lisa away, eyes heavy with lust.

“Let’s…take a shower.”

Lisa doesn’t answer and allows Jennie to take her by the wrist towards the direction of another door by the left of the living room.

Jennie struggled with opening the door as she feels the drips inside her running, like a faucet.

“Fuck..”

She turns it a little too hard that the knob falls off.

“Fucking cheap ass knob.”

Lisa pushes against the door with her free hand and pushes Jennie inside.

The cold hard tiles felt soothing against her bare feet, everything cold felt nice as she feels like she was burning. Burning from the inside out. They scrambled inside clumsily as Lisa tried to lean in for another kiss.

“Wait…”

Lisa laughs and Jennie feels her tug at her shirt until she sees it in a heap by her feet.

She was pinned against the wall and the coldness against her back did little to keep her from burning. She feels Lisa’s hands on her back and her lips on her neck, where she was making her claim.

“No…” Jennie pushes her back and switches their position.

She tugs at Lisa’s sweater and the taller girl smiles in understanding as she takes it off, flying over their head and falling into a heap.

Jennie pulls Lisa closer by the neck and kisses her aggressively, biting at her lips a little too hard she tasted blood. She pulled at Lisa’s jeans and hissed as she struggled to open the buttons. She feels Lisa’s own hands helping her and the next thing Jennie hears is the sound of the zipper opening and Lisa struggling to keep her balance as Jennie tugged.

“give me one se--” Lisa chuckles as Jennie kisses her again.

“Less Talking, more kissing.”

Jennie gives her a quick peck before taking off her sweatpants, feeling Lisa’s eyes all over her and making her feel even more warm. Jennie takes one look at the bathtub and a quick glance at the shower before pulling Lisa towards the latter.

She turns on the water and feels the running water against her skin, feels it’s stark coldness and she shudders.

She sees Lisa looking up and down and feels a smirk on her face.

“Like what you see?” 

She pushes the taller girl, pinning her against the wall as the water ran against their bodies washing away the batter from Lisa’s hands. Jennie kisses Lisa’s neck slowly, taking her time as she sucked, stopping only when she was sure she left a mark. She feels Lisa relax and she traces little bites against her chest until she feels the fabric of Lisa’s bra. She looks up and likes the way Lisa was taking in slow deep breaths, eyes closed as she bit on her lower lip. Jennie bites the edge of her bra and pulls it downward, revealing Lisa’s breast and eliciting another moan from her. Jennie does the same with the other one, before running her tongue in circles, tracing the sensitive skin before giving it a quick bite.

“Je..Jen…”

Jennie likes what she hears and takes this as a sign to suck on her breast, swirling her tongue, feels Lisa arch her body, grabbing her by the hair as she moaned. Jennie cups her other breast as she nibbled on her sensitive nipple causing another wave of shivers down Lisa’s body as pull at Jennie’s hair.

Jennie tries to hide the thumping in her chest, pulling away to give Lisa a quick kiss on the chin before snaking her hands to work with removing Lisa’s bra strap. Flinging it into the growing pile of clothes on the bathroom floor. Lisa pulls her in for a deep kiss and Jennie obliges, feels the pressure inside her throbbing.

She runs her hands lower, down Lisa’s flat stomach… allowing her nails to run red marks and making Lisa shudder. She takes the other breast in her mouth and hears Lisa whimper. She takes her time as she continues to suck and draw incoherent shapes against Lisa’s skin.

_Lower…_

She feels Lisa’s breath hitch.

_Lower…_

Feels the fabric of Lisa’s underwear graze the tips of her fingertips.

_Lower…_

Lisa arches her body, giving Jennie more access to her.

Jennies pulls at the fabric softly, exposing some of Lisa’s skin. Jennie sucks harder as she pushes her hands lower.

“Jen… please.”

Lisa’s voice broke and Jennie smiles, giving her nipple a harder nibble. Lisa’s loud moan echoes out through the bathroom, cutting through her panting and the steady flow of water.

She feels her, and chuckles at how wet she was. Jennie feels the warmth drip all over her fingers as she ran little circles making Lisa gasp out.

“Fuck! Jen…”

Jennie pulls away from her breast to make another mark right beside her nipple, nibbling as she continued to run circles against Lisa’s core. She feels Lisa’s knees buckle and she pushes at her to keep her in place against the cold wall. She gives Lisa another kiss, allowing her tongue to swirl in tune with the circles she was drawing.

“You’re so we--”

“Shhh… I thought you said more kissing and less… talking?”

Jennie laughs and allows her finger to tease at the entrance.

“Jen..”

“You should learn how to have good manners Manoban, it’s rude to cut people off when they’re talking.”

Jennie feels Lisa’s short breaths and tries again.

“Ple…please… inside... now.”

“Are you ordering me around?” 

Jennie takes her fingers away, resorting to massaging the soft skin by Lisa’s thighs instead. Running her nails slowly as she dug into the soft flesh. She hears Lisa’s loud moan, and likes the sound of her name being called out in such heated passion.

“Please don’t make me beg.”

Lisa grabs her wrist and pushes her hands against her center.

Jennie buries her head against Lisa’s neck and bites hard as she entered. Warm, soft, dripping. Bites into the flesh hard as she begins to push and pull, slow and steady as she Lisa holds on to her back. Her nails biting. Jennie licks the tender spot and takes both of her fingers out. She wanted to make Lisa hers, make her hers and hers alone.

“More..”

She pushes hard against her as Lisa whimpers. Swift, deep thrusts as Lisa’s moans intensify. She kisses her left breast and bites on the skin, sucking it in tune with the thrusts. She feels the heat inside Lisa build and Jennie craves for the same release. She thrusts faster and faster until she feels Lisa’s release, soaking her hands.

“Hmmmm..”

Jennie gives her butterfly kisses all over her face as Lisa struggled to keep her breathing even.

“Your turn…”

“After we have this shower…”

Jennie grins and hears Lisa grumble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol part 2 coming up later, let me catch a breath from the awkwardness of writing such a... chapter. :D
> 
> I swear part 2 will be more lovey-dovey... Take part 1 as a warm up 😅😂


	32. Broken Things Have Their Own Charm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> APOLOGIES FOR THE DELAY

_What do you do?_

_When you feel so much at the same time?_

_When you feel like drowning, heart deep in surges of unnamed emotions... do you swim or do you allow yourself to be drowned in it? Let yourself sink?_

She feels the warmth of Lisa’s embrace and figures it was all too much, and all too little at the same time. 

“Jennie…”

Lisa’s voice felt like… having to receive a balloon animal for the first time. All that wonder, and excitement…

“Hmmmm…”

“You’re so beautiful…” Lisa pulls her closer and feels her warmth. 

_Her new favorite._

The same warmth that filled her chest with watercolors, making it drown and gasp for air. She feels butterfly kisses against her shoulder, an imaginary map Lisa was tracing as she settles with a small nibble against the back of her shoulders.

“I’m not…”

“You are…” 

Lisa nudges her chin, making her look at her eyes. Deep, deep brown, she sees something there too. Something she can’t identify. Lisa leans in to give her a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth.

“Your smile’s beautiful.”

Jennie scoffs, no one liked her smile…

Lisa kisses her nose and chuckles. 

“Your eyes are very pretty, though they may look scary most of the time.” 

Jennie rolls her eyes and tries to hide a growing smile. 

Lisa kisses her on the forehead. 

“You have beautiful, beautiful thoughts.”

“You don’t even know half of them.”

“I don’t have to. I’m a pretty good judge of character.”

Jennie tries to look away, she feels the drowning again and if she looks back… she knows she’ll choose to sink. 

Lisa drops and kisses her chest, right above her thundering heart, and Jennie fears Lisa will hear her own name amidst the thuds. 

“And an even beautiful heart.”

“You… You don’t know what I did… before…you won’t say the same things.. If you did” Jennie tries hard to keep her voice from shaking and to keep thoughts of that night at bay. _She was losing though._

“Whatever it was that happened … you had your reasons, and doesn’t make you a bad person.”

She gives Jennie a soft smile, so soft it made Jennie bleed inside. 

“And who could forget how beautiful your soul is? All the darkness, and all that light? Beautiful.” 

Lisa kissed her, was so gentle with her that it made her ache in the weirdest ways possible and gave her a weird feeling of being so content at the same time too. 

“Do you find broken things… beautiful Lisa?” Jennie couldn’t hide the quiver anymore.

“I do.”

Her breath hitched and she hiccuped

_What?_

“I find you very beautiful Jennie, cracks and tears and all. So so beautiful.”

Jennie feels the walls give way and the feelings all too much she drops to the bathroom floor, burying her face in her quivering hands. 

_Beautiful…_

_Beautiful…_

_Broken yet…_

“Jen…”

Lisa’s voice was so soft, so so …

“Look at me.”

Jennie does what she’s told, and winces the moment she realizes she was crying. 

“Broken things have their own charms… they’re the best, for going through all this shit life has to offer.” 

She pulls Jennie in an embrace, and Jennie buries herself in it. Allows herself to enjoy all the good things it made her feel. 

“You’re prettiest when you’re broken, because you’re you when you're at your weakest…”

“How do you say… the right words?”

“I’m just calling it as it is. Now let’s have you all cleaned up shall we?”

Jennie hears her chuckle and finds the darkness fleeing. 

* * *

Lisa was massaging the knots in her back and it felt good. Jennie feels herself relax against the swirls made by Lisa’s hands and warm skin and the cold foam from the soap. Lisa gives her a small kiss on the back of her ear and she shivers from the sensation. 

Lisa traces the length of her arm, up and down... and buries her face in Jennie’s neck. Blowing on the soap suds, tickling her. 

“Lisa…” She tried to keep her tone mad, but couldn’t help but chuckle instead. 

“Say my name again.”

She feels her hot breath and Jennie closes her eyes, allows the warmth to fill her on the inside. 

“Jen…”

Lisa’s voice was pleading, her hands skating over her abdomen, drawing little circles. 

“Lisa… Lisa … Lisa… Lisa! Happy?”

“Very.”

Lisa bites into her neck, making her moan as Lisa’s hands traveled upward. Higher and higher… making her warmer and warmer. 

She lets out a low moan as Lisa cupped her breast and squeezed lightly. 

“You make the most beautiful of sounds too.”

“Stop it pervert.”

Lisa takes her hands away and Jennie regrets her short playful outburst. 

“I meant the words! Goddammit.” 

She feels Lisa holding her chuckle as she shakes. 

“Lisa…”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry… come back?” Jennie used her baby voice, one secret she rarely ever shows. 

“Wha...what?” 

Jennie laughs as Lisa blushes.

“Won’t you come back?” Jennie faces her and pushes her down on the floor, making Lisa sit and her on top of her. “Pwetty pwetty pwease?” 

Jennie loves the way every ounce of confidence in Lisa’s frame disappears and the taller girl gulps, clearly flustered. 

Jennie snakes her hands around Lisa’s neck and leans in to give her a deep kiss, there was a need inside her so strong she wanted to feel Lisa against her, longed for that invisible current they shared when their lips met.

She feels the familiar warmth of Lisa’s hands on her breasts and she pushes into, something … something inside her needed this. Not the primal way they went at each other, but the need to feel the emotions jennie couldn’t find the words to explain. The need to feel Lisa’s love. 

_Oh._

Jennie stops at the sudden realization. 

“Are you okay?”

Jennie doesn’t answer, feels the heaviness of the realization sink in. 

“Jen…”

Jennie crushes her lips against Lisa and hungrily takes what she wants. The same invisible current that made her feel so full yet so empty she’s craving for more. She feels Lisa hands go lower, kneading senseless motions against her burning skin.

“Lisa...I…”

Lisa kissed her and whispers “Shh… I know..”

She feels Lisa break through her, feels her whole self crumble and rebuild with the sensation. She moans and clings against Lisa, wanting to feel more. 

_Was it wrong to feel selfish? To want more than what you’re given? To want to give everything in return with as much passion?_

She moves her hips and Lisa moves to bite at the tender flesh of her breast, making Jennie bite her lip. She moves slowly, feeling Lisa move inside her in tune to her steady rhythm. She feels and she feels. Feels herself tightening as she quickens her movements. 

“Li...Lisa.”

Lisa kisses her on her chin, tracing little kisses until she takes a bite at her neck again. Sucking and licking the spot again and again as she’s brought over the edge. She feels something inside her flow and she moans out Lisa’s name loudly, together.

“Jennie… I lo--” 

She hears the beginning of the phrase and leans in to cut Lisa off. 

_Not now… please no…._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO ... CAT'S ALMOST OUT OF THE BAG HUH?


	33. Pillowtalk

Jennie sees white spots against black, feels the cold sheets in her hands as she opens her eyes and tries to make sense of the sensory overload that usually comes the moment she wakes up. She takes a deep breath and tries to take in the colors that swirled inside her room, sunlight seeping in from her open windows, and the kind of heavy silence that rings inside the ears. 

Last night was… 

_Perfect.._

She shakes her head to try and get rid of the embarrassing thoughts that usually comes the day after, thoughts about what happened that made you all warm and happy, and bubbly. Last night ...was what she needed, wanted… and she smiled at the thought. She stretched and felt the coldness of the sheets on her bare back, making her flinch.

“Lisa?”

She looks back only to find her part of the bed empty… made up and empty. Jennie feels the all too familiar sinking in her chest and feels the sting of tears fighting to break free. 

_Riiing…. Riiing_

The shrieking of the phone made her lean back, and close her eyes. Anything to stop the tears from flowing. 

_Dummy…_

Here she was hoping she would stay… 

_Riiing…. Riiing_

The incessant shrilling made Jennie groan in annoyance and reach for the phone by her bedside table. 

“Hello?” her voice sounded hoarse, the way it always did when she just woke up. 

“Jen?” Jisoo’s voice boomed, making her wince. 

_What is it with Jisoo and her loud voice…_

“Can you not scream at my ear for once? When you call? Like… talk softly, like any other normal human being? Please?”

She hears the older woman chuckle on the other line, and that soft small “hello” from Chaeyoung against the background noise

“Well you definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed….” 

“Let’s not talk about beds and associated sides of the said bed please.”

“Fine… Fine… you’re really grumpy today.”

“Jisoo…” She hears the taut annoyance in her voice and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Don’t… please?”

_She hates annoying Jisoo in the mornings, and hates Lisa… for goddamn leaving._

“Hey, fine… We want to let you know you’re up in three hours, just calling to make sure you didn't forget … You didn’t forget though, right? That your evals are scheduled for today and --”

“Shit!”

_Her motherfucking evals was today too… great, just great…_

“Jen… calm down… 3 hours is more than enough time to --”

“Jen-Jen?! Breakfast’s ready!”

Jennie almosts drops the phone, as a smiling Lisa bursts into the room. 

“Jen-Jen? Breakfast?” Jisoo’s confused voice made it harder for Jennie to answer. 

“Uhh...It’s… You… uhmmm”

“Wait?! Was that Lisa?!?”

Jisoo was hysterically laughing on the other line, and Jennie could barely hear Chaeyoung’s “what’s” through the giggles. 

“Oops, sorry didn’t know you were on the phone with someone.”

Lisa was holding a spatula on one hand and a towel on the other. 

“It is Lisa!” Jisoo’s voice boomed and Jennie wanted the bed to swallow her whole. 

_Great out of all the people…. Why Jisoo? Jisoos!_

Jennie cuts off the call to a fit of giggles and laughter from her two friends on the other line and throws her phone by the foot of the bed, she takes a pillow and flings it across the room hitting Lisa straight in the face.

“Hey! What gives?!”

“Jen-jen?! Breakfast!? Since when do you cook?!” She takes another pillow and flings it towards Lisa who expertly dodged the second one in anticipation.

“A thank you and sorry is warranted here, don’t you think?” Lisa smiles and picks up the pillow, throwing it back at Jennie who was too mad to see it coming and was too late at dodging, 

“Oof!” It hit Jennie on the head, bouncing off the wall behind her. “Dumbass! You just didn’t!!” She takes two pillows and tries to get up, struggling to keep her balance with two large pillows in tow. “You’re in trouble!”

“Uh-oh….” Lisa dashes and hides behind the sofa, keeping just enough distance between her and Jennie. 

“Where the fuck were you this morning?! I thought you left!”

A pillow whizzes by, Lisa barely dodging it as it hits her shoulder, ricocheting on the living room floor. 

“I… didn’t want to wake you up. You looked so peaceful! Light breathing… soft snoring…”

Jennie jumps over the sofa and tries to tackle Lisa, missing just by a couple of inches as the taller woman side steps to the right. 

“What do you mean snoring?!”

“Uhhh you know... that cute little sound you make when you’re deep asleep?”

Jennie tries to hide a smile as she picks up the pillow and throws it again, careful not to hit anything that was fragile inside her house. Lisa tries to imitate the soft snoring and gets hit on the face, making her let go of the spatula in her hand. Jennie follows up with a pillow smash using the other pillow on her face and Lisa falls butt first on the ground with a huge groan.

“I thought we decided on stopping this? Y’know the falling over stuff.” Lisa whines and Jennie can’t keep the laughter in anymore. 

“Serves you right for making me think you left…” She gives Lisa a smirk and rolled her eyes. 

“Who said I was leaving you?” Lisa pulls her by the hand and she ends up falling all over the taller woman. 

“Oomf…”

She feels Lisa hands around her waist and a soft kiss planted on her forehead. 

“How do you find, falling all over stuff Ms Kim?” She feels the soft vibrations of Lisa’s body as she chuckles. 

She doesn’t answer but leans in to give Lisa a kiss on the cheeks. 

“Oh? I.. I get a kiss?”

Jennie snorts in response as she tries to get up. 

“Maybe I should do this more often?” Lisa holds on to her tighter and snuggles into her neck, blowing on Jennie’s warm skin 

“It.. it tickles…. Stop!” 

“No.”

“What?”

“No” 

“What do you mean no?”

“It’s when you give a negative response, hoping the one asking the question forgets about it.”

Jennie leans in and bites her ear hard, making Lisa yelp. 

“Do that again and I’ll do more than bite.”

“That sounded hot…”

“Lisa. Don’t push it.”

Jennie gives her a scoff and tries to push her away.

“Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll stop… just, don’t go?” 

“I can’t with you, you big baby.” Jennie tries to swat her away, but couldn’t resist the grin that was slowly coming out, “I thought you said you couldn’t cook?” 

“I lied… I make hella great omelets. Want to try?” 

“Hmmmm…”

Jennie leans in and rests her head against Lisa’s chest, listening to the thuds inside that slowly grew in intensity. 

“What’re you doing Jen?”

“Trying to see if you’re calling out my name….” 

“It’s always doing that…” She feels the kiss against her hair and she smiles burrowing deeper against Lisa’s chest. 

“But… breakfast? It might go cold…”

* * *

Jennie tries her best not to wince at the mess on her plate. She gives it one look and knows it wouldn’t taste too good. 

“Are you not hungry?”

Lisa’s expectant voice made Jennie pick up the fork and slowly pick at the yellow glob, taking in a big gulp.

“You don’t like it, do you? I knew I should’ve just called take out.”

The sadness and disappointment in Lisa’s voice and the way she looked like a kicked puppy made Jennie take a forkful and tries her best not to cringe at the explosion of too much salt and pepper, it made her teary-eyed. 

“No… I …. I love it...Tha-thank you..”

Jennie tries to swallow the whole thing while resisting the urge to gag, 

“Really?”

_Oomf, sunshine and puppies -- how could she say no to that?_

“Really…” She gives Lisa a huge smile and takes another forkful… _just a bit more.._

“I can make you pancakes next…” Lisa stood up to walk towards the counter and Jennie sprints off to stop her midstep. 

“Let’s uh… Let’s take it slowly, yeah? You don’t have to cook for me I --”

“It sucked, right?”

_There it was again… urgh… resist dammit._

“No… no…. It, uh… it tasted really great, The best omelet I ever had… Ever”

“You’re a very bad liar you know that right?” Lisa chuckles and pulls her in a hug “I know I suck, you can tell me the truth, I won’t cry…”

Jennie smiles back and laughs.

“It, uh… It sort of did.” She pulls away briefly and gives Lisa a quick peck on the lips, before adding “But, maybe… next time -- I’ll cook. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“Good, alright… then it’s settled”

“Jennie?”

“Hmmm?”

“Uhmmm.”

“I swear to God, if it’s nonsense Lisa, I’m knocking some sense into that beautiful head of yours”

Lisa laughs 

“You have evals today, why don’t you prepare … and I’ll grab some fresh clothes and pick you up in 30 minutes? That’ll give you enough time to prep and warm up. Okay?”

Jennie nods and Lisa leans in to give her a quick kiss. 

“I’ll see you.”

* * *

Jennie sat there, frozen…. Time seemed to have stopped, or … surely she was dreaming things. There’s no way this was happening. 

**HEY :)**

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**03/03/2017 09:56AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**Hey… can we meet in person soon? I have things I want you to know...**

**L**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ENJOY THIS FLUFF CHAPTER, AND BUCKLE UP FOR THE NEXT CHAPTERS? ... OR NOT?  
> ANYWAYS HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE.


	34. Every Broken Piece You See is Still You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so ... Morning I guess? Lol

**To: LalalaM@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**L…**

**Of course. I, uh… have some things to tell you too. You’ve been away for quite some time and I guess… I missed you? When and where would you like to meet up?**

**J**

Jennie read over her response for the fourteenth time. 

_ Was this fine? Was this too much? Fuck…  _

She hears Lisa’s soft knocks against her door and decides to press “send”, tying her left shoelace and running off towards the door. 

“Ready?” 

Lisa smiled and Jennie feels the choke in her chest tighten. 

“Yeah… yeah I am.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing… I’m just nervous I guess?”

Lisa holds her hand to steady them.

“It’s going to be fine. Don’t worry about it too much. If it gets too strong for you to ignore though, take slow, steady breaths… and look for me in the crowd.”

Jennie nods absentmindedly, but catches the end of her sentence nonetheless. Sending her into a fit of giggles.

“What made you think I’ll relax if I look at you?” 

“You won’t” Lisa laughs along with her. 

“I’m torn between thinking you’re a genius or an absolute idiot sometimes.”

“I’ll try and make you laugh, hoping and praying to all the Gods I know it helps you relax. How does that sound?” Lisa smirked, it was such a rare expression on her that Jennie found herself kissing the corners of her lips.

“Hmmm, that could work … maybe?” Jennie whispers back, giving Lisa a wink. 

“Oh, can I be a little bit of both? You know? An absolute idiot genius?” 

“You can be anything you want…”

“You wouldn’t mind?” 

“Not the least bit.” 

Jennie gives her a quick kiss on the lips before turning away towards the hall. 

“Hey! Wait up!”

_ I would Lisa, I would… _

* * *

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**03/03/2017 10:45AM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**Hey,**

**Remember when we… first started doing this and you asked me with that annoyed little tone in email language why I was doing all this and I gave you three reasons? I’m not so sure you’d recall but if you don’t then…**

  * ****I wanna be friends****


  * **I’d like to get to know you more**


  * **\-- we can leave this one blank… I’ll fill it out someday.**



**This was… uh… my response… back then.**

**I’m ready to answer the last one…**

**L**

Jennie feels her heart drop, drop farther than it has ever dropped before. 

_ Why… why is she feeling this way? What way? What was she feeling? She .. she finds it hard to name the new kind of heaviness that creeped inside her heart and spread throughout her. Shouldn’t ...shouldn’t she feel happy at finally being able to meet the very person who helped her see that the cracks inside her allowed the light to pass through? Made her take the first steps into believing she could be whole again? Made her feel beautiful despite the ugliness saw in the mirror?  _

_ Why was she dreading this meeting then? _

“Hey… you okay?” Hoshi’s worried eyes looked all too foreign to her.

“I am.”

“You look a bit spaced out…”

“I’m fine, really.”

_ Im not.  _

“Look, just be yourself and do your best okay?” He gave her a huge pat on the back and signalled her to enter the room. 

Jennie does what she’s told and she finds herself staring at the multitude of other students who were finished with their performances, the board in front; looking stoic as ever. She scanned the room for a familiar face,  _ one familiar face.  _

Jennie feels dizzy, and breathless. 

_ Great, now’s not the time for this. Not now… not now… _

Jennie feels her heart sinking deeper again, and not in the good way. She tries to even her breathing as she walks across the platform. Glaring lights were making her feel all the more small and she tried to shield her eyes. 

_ Breathe… _

Jennie holds both of her hands together, hoping feeling the warmth from each would stop the trembling.

_ Slow…  _

She puffs her chest and expels anything in excess in one big blow

_ steady…  _

She tries to inhale, filling her lungs with air. Keeps it inside her far longer than she normally would and coughs it out. She does it again and feels the thumps in her chest slow down. 

_ Better.  _

The chatter inside had died down as she steps into the center, she looked up and tries to squint her eyes.

_ Whose brilliant idea was it to shine the lights in the performer’s face?! Stupid.  _

She looks up again and sees familiar brown hair. She chuckles,  _ no… she sees the familiar bangs.  _

Lisa catches her eyes and smiles, giving her a goofy expression sticking her tongue out. Jennie finds this so adorable she laughed out loud, earning her curious glances from the board. 

“Ms Kim. Are you ready?” A serious looking man in his fifties who had more skin than hair on his head spoke, his half rimmed glasses bobbing up and down as he talked. 

“Uhhh, yeah… yeah I am.”

She gives Lisa a glare and all she gets was a scrunched up nose and a huge ass grin in response. 

_ God … do I … _

The music blares from the speakers and Jennie takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, allowing the nervousness and anxiety to drip from her center down to the tips of her fingers as she danced to the music. She had asked for Hoshi’s approval to make the dance impromptu, no set steps. Just her, and the music that flowed through her. Just like that afternoon, with Lisa. She smiles, tension gone. 

She hears the shift in music and her mind drifts off to L, she almosts trips but jumps to cover the mistake. She starts feeling the quiver in her heart and she wants to shout and she does it silently --  _ who cares? It goes with the music.  _ She pushes against something invisible in the air as realization begins to show it’s true colors. She claws, tearing against the air, lashing out in silence as the music hums on, faster and faster, her actions becoming sharper and sharper. 

_ I’m sorry… _

She stops, a brief pause in the music.

_ For what? _

The music continues and she runs off, hugging herself and pulls, pulls from the air and takes in everything around her. Takes in every bit of nothing and holds on to it as the music slows to a stop.

_ For being so confused between the two. _

She drops on the floor, spent -- emotionally. 

_ Fuck.  _

_ Fuck -- sounds about right?  _

She hears applause and words of commendation, and at the same time hears nothing at all. 

_ She was fucked.  _

“Congratulations Ms Kim,” 

She nods, nods robotically -- not really caring who said what. 

“Hey… that was.. Just wow!” 

She hears the familiar voice and looks up at Lisa, Lisa who was smiling ear to ear, pride in her voice. 

_ Im sorry. _

She nods again, nods aggressively that Lisa drops to her knees in front of her. 

“Hey… hey…. What’s wrong?”

“I.. I don’t know…”

She feels the hot tears. 

“Hey… you did wonderful… You were great. So so great.” 

She feels the warmth of Lisa’s embrace and she buries her face against Lisa’s shoulders. 

“That impromptu performance was… simply breathtaking. The best I’ve ever seen.”

“Liar…”

Jennie tries to forget about the weird sensation in her chest and how her thoughts went from Lisa to L, and from L to Lisa.

_ Stupid.. _

“All truth.”

“I suck.”

“You don’t”

“I do”

“Can you please stop and listen to all that applause? All of that for you…”

“I…”

“You’re wonderful.”

_ If you find out, would you still think the same way? If you knew about the darkness that haunted me before, the things I did, would you still want me? _

Jennie doesn’t say anything back, allows the same thought to go through her mind over and over, until she feels numb.

“You’re not fine.”

_ Why was she doing this.  _

“I am…”

“No. Whatever it is you’re thinking of right now? Don’t let them get the best of you.”

“Ho..how do yo--”

“Jen, I want you to know that … the night sky looks beautiful, far more beautiful than mornings... How else would we be able to see how wonderful the stars shine and how beautiful the moon is?”

“I don’t get it.”

“You don’t have to. I was just telling you how beautiful you were. Darkness and all?”

“Sto..Stop.”

_ Why are you so like her? _

“Every broken piece you see is still you. You are... this huge map we can trace together, and every crack we see along the way makes up for a part of your story. And you’ll love it, love it because it will complete you, and if you find it too ugly then we can always fill it with gold.” 

“And glitter?”

Jennie finds herself smiling. 

“And glitter…”

“And we’ll place solar lights inside, just so the gold will glow…”

“No need for that, you’re more than enough. Glowing and all…”

Lisa pulls back and kisses the tips of Jennie’s nose.

* * *

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**03/03/2017 02:25PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**Still remember the way back to that place I showed you? Meet me there Friday afternoon?**

**L**


	35. Were You Expecting Someone Else?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> senseless ramblings, because when you're overthinking this is what you do. Short but this feels important to me so.

Jennie looks up at the sky and finds the glare of the sun too strong. She holds up her hand and finds it amusing how light finds a way to seep through the spaces between her fingers, making it glow red. 

_It always does._

The last time she’d been here was last Valentine's Day. 

_Valentine’s._

Jennie wraps her other hand around the cold silver draped on her neck, and takes a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry.” she whispers against the breeze that ruffles through the leaves and her hair. 

Why she said that, was something even herself couldn’t answer. 

She says it again, regardless. 

“I’m sorry. I’m… sorry”

In truth, Jennie knows there wasn’t anything to be sorry about. She knows that there’s no reason to say those words that weight so much, words that she finds are the hardest ones to utter. 

_So why is she saying sorry?_

She sits on the same spot where she had that dinner, with the candles, and the firefly-like lights wrapped around the tree, and the food, and the wine, and the… _letter._

She looks towards the horizon and rests her head against the tree. 

_The letter._

_The stupid letter that made her cry, that made her realize things that… that… healed her. In a way, in L’s little way… was it really little though? To have someone make you see that you’re worth so much more than that choking sadness, and that guilt? The stupid letter that made her love every little broken thing about her. The stupid letter… the stupid emails…. Stupid L and for … for… making her realize that every broken piece she sees was her, and that even when she’s shattered, she’s seeing all sorts of her too and that was fine. She remembers… that not all broken things need to be fixed, and she loves that, because… because she knows… that her with all the cracks and tears was fine and good and alright. L made her realize that … and…_

Jennie closes her eyes and takes in the scent of the trees and the city. What a beautiful contrast she thinks. 

_Love every part of you that’s jagged, every part of you that’s torn up and sewn back, every bit of you that’s shattered..._

_She did. She is. She will._

Jennie laughs and finds it weird, she’s overcome by another urge to say sorry. 

_I’m sorry…_

_Stop saying sorry they say. Stop saying sorry for something that’s not your fault. Stop saying sorry for something you had no control over. Stop saying for her death, stop saying sorry for being sad, stop saying sorry… sorry sorry sorry..._

_Why can’t people see?_

_That the only reason she was saying sorry... was to hear it back, someone to say it back to her genuinely._

Jennie finds this weird altogether, why was she… thinking about all this when… she knows she’s feeling better. Didn’t that dance with Lisa help her? Made her manifest that… that… she was… at no fault and that everything had a reason for happening. Then why were her thoughts, flowing? 

_Sorry, a word she’d been craving for. A word she hoped she’d hear from herself to herself and she did. That day, in the dance studio. Then why was she needing it again now?_

_Was saying sorry enough?_

_Was forgiving someone enough too?_

_What’s there in forgiveness? In sorry? Does it… help you sleep at night? Does it make you breathe a little more freely, a little bit lighter? Does it calm the nerves? Take away the anxiety?_

_It creates… a better picture of me._

_It does?_

_It does._

_It does!_

_Why… how…_

_I don’t know._ Jennie doesn’t know.

She laughs again and finds herself trying to catch sunlight. Hopeless she knows… but there was something about chasing something as fleeting that made her happy, drove the restless thoughts away. 

_Sorry?_

_Yes, sorry._

_For being sorry?_

_For being sorry_

_Will you stop?_

_I will…_

_No…_

_Yes…._

_Genuinely, from the heart, sorry … for everything._

_Stop._

Jennie finds it stupid to have such weird thoughts, talking to herself like that. 

_What’s wrong?_

_Nothing._

_You’re scared…_

_Of what._

_Of everything._

_Isn’t everyone though?_

_Everyone is, and everyone was. But you’re terrified, over someone who… you know deep down wants nothing but the best for you._

_I… am… terrified of disappointing her._

_But you can never._

_I can’t?_

_You can’t disappoint someone who sees nothing but the best in you, she knows you're broken and have been proud of you then, she’ll be prouder now._

_She will?_

_Yes._

Jennie takes another deep breath, _where was L? At this rate she’ll drown in the thoughts._

She feels her phone vibrate and sees the dreaded notification.

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**03/05/2017 03:28PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**Got caught up in something, I’ll be there soon. I’m so sorry.**

**L**

Jennie sees the glaring word and laughs. Enough about that. 

_Do people realize that sorry can be… thank you? I miss you? I love you?_

_No._

_What?_

_Stop._

_Fine…_

_Does it matter then, if …_

_If what?_

_Why are you sad?_

_Sadness, such a strange concept once you think about it. Why do people get sad? Why… do they cry, why do they do what they do. Why. why. Why._

_Why am I overthinking?_

Jennie hears rustling and faint footsteps, and she feels her heart beat like war drums against her chest. Jennie had her eyes closed and debates, no...entertains the idea of feigning sleep. Just enough before … before she finds the courage to face her. 

She feels her sit beside her and feels the warmth. It feels… _familiar._

There was … this comfortable silence that followed, for what Jennie thinks was a minute or two before she hears her rustle. 

She feels her hand take hers and holds onto it, running little lines. Up and down, up and down, up and down. 

Jennie finds her heartbeat settle into dull thuds that had a certain rhythm. Something that… made her smile. 

She open her eyes and finds the light blinding and takes a while trying to adjust, she sees the familiar silhouette on the grass and feels her heartbeat stop. 

“Were you expecting someone else?” 

She hears the voice and she whips her head around. 

“You?!” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter's the reveal yey?


	36. For the Fires to Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So reveal chap?

Jennie feels weird. She doesn’t know what else to say, doesn’t have the words to the conflicting emotions she’s having, the feelings inside her …

“Huh?” Lisa was looking at her with a questioning look, making Jennie more confused. 

“You… it’s, it’s been you all… all along?” 

“What’s been me all along Jen?” 

Lisa reaches for her hand and Jennie almost winces at the contact. 

“Jennie? Are you… fine?”

“Yes...no…. I.... I don’t know…” She looked at their hands, buried in the grass, and she shook her head. “I don’t fucking know.” 

“What’s wrong?”

“You… you’re acting like you don’t…” Jennie could feel the tears and she’s beginning to hate the hot, burning feeling in her chest. It’s making her want to lash out and shout. Something… Something she’ll regret… 

Lisa reaches out to caress her cheek, making her look up and look into her doe-like eyes. _God, why can’t she read emotions? This would’ve been easier if she could._ Lisa gives her that same goofy grin she loves so much and leans in to give her a quick kiss on the lips. 

“You’re making me confused… and flustered.” The last part caught Jennie off-guard, she could feel the warmth creep up and knows she’s probably blushing from the kiss. 

“Vuy.”

“Wha--”

“I have to go, and feed Kuma.” Lisa stands, and Jennie stays there confused. 

_What the fuck is happening. Why was she acting like… like she doesn’t know? Wait… was she really L? But it… make sense… it should’ve made sense... L for Lisa… The… the familiarity… but… why was she looking like she’s just as confused as me? Wait … how does she know I’m J? Why… why isn’t she as surprised as me? Why is she walking away? Why the fuck am I sitting here like a dumbass, looking at her? Move dammit. Move!_

Jennie doesn’t. She stays there. Looking at Lisa’s retreating figure, something… something inside her was telling her to stay. 

_Fuck this._

Jennie closes her eyes and hits the back of her head against the tree trunk. 

Once.

_Stupid._

Twice.

_God, what’s wrong with you?_

Thrice…

_Why was she stupid? Everything’s not making sense, but when did it ever? It should’ve … why was this turning out to be harder than she imagined?_

_Vrrrt vrrrt…_

The vibration from her phone almost made her jump. 

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**03/05/2017 04:19PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**Stop hitting your pretty head against the tree trunk will you?**

**L**

She stares at the email dumbfoundedly. 

_How does she know--_

Jennie looks up, just in time to see Lisa with her phone on her face. 

**LalalaM@nomail.com**

**03/05/2017 04:20PM**

**TO: MRJK@nomail.com**

**J**

**Wouldn’t want you damaging that pretty brain of yours. Look up…**

**L**

She glances at the new email and whips her head back at a grinning Lisa. 

Everything was suddenly happening in slow motion, she sees her pocket her phone and kneel in front of her. She sees Lisa’s hands shot up and cuddle her face, running little circle on one cheek and the other one running line’s up and down the other cheek. 

Jennie sees everything and feels everything, each motion against her hot skin and the way it was making her shiver inside. Feels the shivers run up her spine and settle in her cheeks, feels the fluttering in her chest and feels it settle there. 

_Was it light or heavy?_ _She doesn’t know, she can’t tell… why can’t she tell?_

She feels the tears, one or two across her cheek, and feels Lisa’s warm hands brush them away… softly, gently, with as much warmth as sunlight during early morning walks through the park…

“Hey,”

Jennie looks on and couldn’t find the words… the voice to answer back. She finds it weird and stupid at the same time for feeling so, so all over the place inside. She sees Lisa’s brow furrow and finds a painful tightening in her chest… 

_Don’t…_

“You’re supposed to say ‘hey’ back…” Lisa’s voice broke at the end. 

Jennie wanted to say something… anything… but she can’t. She finds the silence between each word to be more … _more what?_ More… haunting, more heavy, laced with meanings more… profound. 

“Jen… I, how do I say this.. I’m L.” 

_That’s it… those words… flicked a switch._

Jennie whips her head to the side, the sudden movement surprising Lisa making her hold on to her left cheek, cupping it. Jennie feels the burn of the touch and she bites into Lisa’s skin, bites into it rather hard she fears she might’ve bit into it too much. Lisa lets go and Jennie hears a soft squeal, a muted “ooomf” and sees tears in her eyes. For a minute she wanted to stay and kiss her pain away, a minute… too long? Too short? A full minute and Jennie finds the anger boiling inside her again and she stands. Towers over Lisa who knelt in front of her, with a devastated look on her face. She looks away and runs off. Away from everything, Away from Lisa, Away from stupid L.

“Jen! Wait! Look! Let me explain!?” 

She feels Lisa’s hand on her shoulder, and she stops. 

“Jen.. please. Can we talk?”

Jennie feels the blood rush to her ears and the burn she feels beneath her skin was spreading. She feels it in her face, making her want to dig into the skin beneath her eyes, dig into it and … _and what?_ Dig into it to make the burning stop. Anything to stop the fire that coursed through her. She turns to look at Lisa who, who looked just as confused and broken as her.

_If there’s one thing I don’t want to do, never want to do... It’s for the fires to burn Lisa. Anything but that._

Jennie takes a couple of small steps back, each step making Lisa look broken even more. 

“Please…”

“Not… not now Lisa…”

She finds her voice and she pleads. 

_Not now… not when I’m mad… let me… let me --_

“Don’t run please.”

Jennie freezes and knows … knows that was the first thing she wanted to do. Run as far away from her, away from everything and everybody. Run where she can drown into the feelings and the thoughts and figure shit out. Confrontation was… never her forte.

“Please Jen… don’t… don’t run. Ask me … anything and I’ll tell you the truth. I’ll tell you everything.”

The sentence rolled inside her head, around and around until it made her head hurt. Everything that’s happening was making her head hurt, her heart? Her heart was a whole different matter. 

“Ser im…”

“When… when did you know?! Was it, was it before I told you everything?! At home?! In the kitchen? When Lisa? How long were you keeping this from me? How.. how…” Jennie allows the tears to fall and she falls to the ground, _she always does. She always… finds herself on the ground. Her legs sprawled beneath her._

She feels Lisa fall beside her, fall in a clumsy heap as she always does. Wrapping her arms around Jennie, running circles on the small of her back and humming a soft melody that oddly made her calm down. 

“I found out when you told me about the person who gave you the necklace…”

“You’re utterly stupid for not realizing it was the same necklace when you first saw it.” Jennie closed her eyes shut, her sarcastic self was rearing her ugly head out. 

“I deserve that. I am stupid. I was… so consumed by jealousy that time Jen, it never occurred to me. I … I saw the similarity and… thought it was merely a coincidence.” 

Jennie doesn’t answer.

_In truth, Jennie just doesn’t know what to ask…_

“I didn’t tell you then, because… because…”

“Because what?” 

“This is hard…”

“No shit Sherlock” Jennie winces again. 

“I’ve never been good at being vocal of… of what I feel.”

“You certainly didn’t have a hard time back in that fucking dance studio and with the emails and with --”

“You make things easier…”

Jennie feels defeated, and lets out a loud sigh instead. 

“Look let me start over again please?” 

“I’m sorry.”

Jennie knows the sudden outburst surprised Lisa, she felt her pull back a bit. _It surprised her too._

“I’m sorry for making this hard for you, I’m just so.. Confused… and frustrated, I feel betrayed you haven’t told me when you found out and I feel stupid for not seeing the similarities so soon. I feel relieved, I feel mad, I’m feeling a lot of things and it’s suffocating Lisa. So, so suffocating.”

“Shhh… Don’t be. Let me clear things out for you, yeah?” Lisa kisses her on the forehead and Jennie melts into the embrace, allows herself to let the kiss cool down the fires she felt inside. 

“Where do you want me to start?”

“Take me back to the start.” 

“First email?” She feels a giggle brewing inside Lisa and this makes her lips shot up in a smile. 

“No dummy, I have like … all your emails saved, never deleted a single one. I know all about that…” 

She hears Lisa’s chuckle and Jennie buries her head into her chest where she hears her erratic heartbeat. 

“You save… the emails?”

“For rainy days, yes. You give awful good advice for someone so dumb…”

“I do huh?”

“Shut up, you’re … going off a tangent here.” 

“Ahh yes, well...I’ve come to realize the quietest of whispers drown out explosions…” 

“You’re talking in riddles…”

“Sirun” 

“Lisa…” 

“Okay, okay, okay. Let’s start at that necklace reveal then?” 

“Please.”

“You already know… I let my emotions cloud the logical side of me the moment you mentioned someone gave you that necklace.. So much that it never occured to me you were J… so I had no idea then…”

“I don’t know if I should laugh or get mad at the thought you were jealous over some necklace…”

Lisa kisses her on the forehead, this time a bit longer.

“Kind of hard to fight spur of the moment feelings. I was mostly upset at myself for… being jealous over that silly thought.”

“You getting jealous over yourself is funnier.” Jennie smiles into the fabric of Lisa’s shirt and takes in her scent. 

_How Lisa calmed her down instantly will forever be a mystery to her._

“Then you told me all about her... “

“Was it that obvious I was talking about you? God, and I thought you were supposed to be dense? Jealous remember?” Jennie chuckled. 

“No… you said… you said sunshine, and “L” and everything clicked in mind. The necklace, the similarities. God was I relieved, scared and … Jennie… I…”

“What? You what?”

“I wanna be friends…”

“But we already are, even more if not --”

“I’d like to get to know you more…”

Jennie doesn’t answer… she, she realizes what Lisa’s doing, what she’s saying.

Lisa doesn’t say anything, she takes a deep breath and chuckles nervously.

“And the third reason?”

“I … I wanted so much to fix you Jen, so much … Your emails were filled with so much pain that I … wanted you to just be better… but I realized…”

She trails off, holding Jennie closer, tighter.

“What Lisa… realized what.”

“You never needed any fixing, not because you’re not broken… but because you are perfectly imperfect and a simple nudge was all you needed, that… forgiveness you needed from yourself for you to accept all the ugly parts of you. All the ugly parts I find beautiful.”

Jennie burrows into Lisa’s shirt. 

_Don’t say the words… don’t say them… not now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay I was terribly sick these past few days and wouldn't want to put out a sloppy chapter for this fic. Hope this makes up for it.


	37. No Fucking Fair

Jennie holds onto the fabric of Lisa’s shirt tightly, the tips of her fingers were red and she burrows deeper. Not really wanting to let go, nor does she have any plans of extracting herself from Lisa’s embrace. It feels so… so warm.

“Jen I…”

“Shhh…”

“What?”

“Don’t say anything…”

She feels the tumbles and the rolling of her heart inside her chest, and the pounding against the ringing in her ears. 

“Wh- why not?” She hears the hesitance and the unvoiced questions and the confusion in Lisa’s voice. 

_Because… I don’t know how to answer you… I don’t know what to say… I don’t know how to react… I don’t know what to feel… I don’t know, I don’t know anything._

“Let’s just stay like this for a while? Please?” 

She feels Lisa’s embrace tighten around her, and she breathes deeply. 

“Whatever you want Jen.”

They stayed silent, and Jennie feels the exhaustion slowly creep into her bones -- no, inside her bones even, deep into its center… collecting themselves in little puddles making Jennie shiver. Everything felt weird and nice and not-so-nice all at the same time. It was new, so new and so different from anything she had felt before that it was making her nervous. She lets out a shaky breath and feels the tears again. _God, why was she so emotional?_

She feels the growing panic in Lisa, she knows it would be hard to keep things from her. She could read her like a book even through the emails that it was low-key scary. For someone other than her to understand her like that, when she can’t even understand herself. Was that supposed to be good? Was that supposed to be invasive? Should she like it or should she hate it? Why was she beginning to ask all these silly questions? She feels Lisa stir. She tenses, and wants so much to close in on herself like a little ball. Jennie readies herself for whatever it is Lisa was about to say, hoping to God it wasn’t something she wouldn’t have the words for. 

_30 seconds…_

_A minute…_

_A minute and 15 seconds…_

_Nothing?_

She bristles at the thought of her confusion. 

_A minute and 55 seconds…_

Lisa stays silent and instead continues to run her warm hands up and down her back. The little motions and her little soft humming made Jennie relax, just enough for her to take a deep breath through her mouth. It was kind of hard doing it through her nose from all the silent crying. She feels Lisa’s kiss through her hair and she smiles and relaxes completely in her hold. 

“How do you do that?”

“Hmmmm?”

“Make me feel relaxed whenever I’m so tense…” Jennie whispers to her neck. 

Lisa giggles and she rubs her chin against Jennie’s hair. 

“I don’t know... “ 

Jennie nods, _maybe it wasn’t so bad not knowing the answers to some questions._

“How are you feeling?”

“Better?”

“Better?”

Jennie pulls away and gives Lisa a huge smile. 

“Better.”

Lisa runs her thumb on Jennie’s cheek and she leans into the touch. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jennie looks at her, simply looks at her and sees how her bangs fall just long enough for the ends to kiss the tips of her eyebrows. She brushes them to the side and laughs softly as they fall back in place back to cover her pretty forehead. She traces her finger from the spaces between Lisa’s eyebrows and down to the bridge of her nose and stopping, her finger barely grazing just above the tips of Lisa’s nose. 

“Cute…” she whispers into nothing. 

Jennie tilts her head and gives Lisa a small smile, allowing her finger to draw slow, soft circles on Lisa’s nose. She smiles bigger as Lisa chuckles. She continues her little map down to Lisa’s lips and finds herself mesmerized by running her thumb across her bottom lip, running them slowly until she smiled and Jennie finds herself leaning in to give her a kiss. 

It starts off slow, her own lips barely grazing, allowing her breath to touch Lisa’s lips before her own. She leans in closer and feels Lisa smile and she smiles back. She sucks on Lisa’s bottom lip and slowly deepens the kiss. 

“Lisa?” She pulls away, just a bit so that their foreheads touched. 

“Yeah?”

“Thank you…”

She chuckles at the way Lisa scrunched her nose in delight and how she falls back a bit to laugh. 

Jennie stops and realizes how she’s suddenly aware of everything around her, how she finds herself seeing Lisa for the first time since… Really seeing her and taking everything she sees inside her and keeping it in memory. Her adorable laugh… her cute nose scrunches, the way she always gazed at Jennie with the softest of expressions and Jennie wonders how, and why she didn’t realize this sooner. 

“Are you fine?”

Lisa’s brow furrowed and it made this little crease that Jennie wanted gone. 

“Im fine.”

“Are you--”

“I’m fine Lisa, stop worrying…” 

“Stop being annoying too?”

Jennie laughs, and feels lighter even more. 

“No, never stop being annoying.”

“What? Am I hearing this right? Ms. Jennie Kim… never wanting me to stop being annoying? This is a first! A breakthrough.. A --”

She cuts her off with another kiss. 

“Stop, now you’re just being a dork.”

“What kind of dork?”

“The kind that gets on your nerves.

“Oh.” Lisa’s face fell and Jennie can’t help but to smile again. 

“You’re cheating…”

“Huh?”

“Stop making that face.”

“What face?”

“THAT face…”

Jennie wanted so much to bite Lisa’s pouting lips.

“Why?”

“Cause… you’re using your cuteness against me.”

“Against what?”

“Me.”

“You?”

Lisa leans in to kiss her on the cheeks and the spot burned, the good kind. The kind that made Jennie long for the sensation again. 

“But you just called me an annoying dork… I’m hurt”

“I thought we established annoying is good.”

“It is?”

“Yes Lisa, annoying you is the best.” 

She beams. _Oh, how she loves it when Lisa beams,_

“Do you want to eat?”

“What?”

“Eat?”

“I drop my bad girl persona to tell you annoying you is cute and you ask me if I want to eat?”

“Yes… what’s wrong with wanting to grab something to eat?”

“You’re weird.”

“But you love it.”

“Who said I did?” 

Lisa stands up and gives her her hand, Jennie takes it. 

_She’ll take anything Lisa has to offer, if she was being honest with herself and wasn’t so confused most of the time._

“I did.” 

“Yeah, well tell your cute little self she’s being too over confident.”

Lisa holds onto her hand, and Jennie loves the way it brings a certain sense of warmth to her, driving out the exhaustion in her bones. She looks at their intertwined hands and realizes Lisa was saying something.

“I’m sorry, you were saying?” 

“I’m saying you’re beautiful. Very beautiful.” 

“If you keep on doing that I might give you a kiss.”

She gave Lisa’s hand a quick squeeze.

“No, seriously Jennie. You’re beautiful.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” 

She was teasing Lisa and she laughs at the way she rolled her eyes… or should Jennie say her lack of ability to do so.

“I ...” 

_Fuck… please no..._

“Lisa, maybe we sho-”

_Shit…_

“I like you a lot, would you like to eat at my place today?” 

She had a weird expression on her face before she turned away and began to walk, taking Jennie with her. _If only… if only Jennie knew how, then it wouldn’t be so hard … would it?_

“Yeah, sure… why not?”

Lisa glanced back, raising an eyebrow. 

“Jen”

“Yeah?” 

“Last one out of here buys lunch.” 

She lets go of Jennie’s hands and sprinted, leaving Jennie standing there with an amused smile.

“No fucking fair!”

She hears her laughter, drifting off and Jennie finds it refreshing. 

“If you ran instead of whined, I’d buy you a feast.”

Jennie ran after her and laughed along. 

_Maybe… maybe ... she's finding herself towards that one thing she thinks she can never have. if only, right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so ... does this mean we're almost at the...y'know? 
> 
> Thank you and hope everyone has a wonderful day and week ahead!


	38. You Write Feelings

Lisa watched silently as Jennie drew funny looking hearts on the glass. Jennie leaned closer, allowing her chin to rest on the table to breathe on the glass' surface, and Lisa found herself smiling at her, found herself oddly captivated by the momentary look of raw happiness on Jennie's face as the glass fogged up, her fingers tracing a new drawing of a crescent moon. Lisa found her laughter as the drawing slowly disappeared to be so soothing she let out a soft chuckle, finding herself amused and just as happy too.

"You're gawking."

Lisa had to laugh, Jennie had her signature smirk and it made Lisa remember how it made her a bit anxious and scared before. Now… now she finds it rather lovely. 

"I am." 

They were eating chinese take out on her small kitchen table, no...not eating more like ordered chinese take out that was decorating her table. Paper plates and plastic forks were strewn carelessly over the chipped wooden surface. Jennie didn't have that much of an appetite after what happened and Lisa… Lisa wasn't in the mood to eat, she finds studying Jennie to be more… her style for the day. 

"Is this why you're so good at reading people? You gawk at them?"

Lisa almost winced, finding the words to bite harder than it should. 

"No." 

"I'm sorry, I...I… didn't mean it like that." She sat up straight, forgetting her little drawing session.

Lisa smiled,  _ of course she didn't.  _ But it hurt. In a way. She doesn't know why, but it did… hurt, like an ant bite in her heart. Jennie wasn't looking her in the eye, instead she played with the puddle of water that was pooling on the table beneath the glass of water. Lisa notes that Jennie never liked looking people in the eye when she was awkward, or when she did something wrong, or for when she was upset. It was always at something else, anything else but other people's eyes. 

"I know, but I'm not a very good reader Jen. Not like what you think, or paint me to be." She couldn't keep the pain from tinging her words. 

"But you are… you, you do it all the time with me."

Jennie shuffled in her seat, another little habit she had when she feels...rather trapped, and Lisa didn't want that. Not here… in her apartment. Never in her presence.

"I do?" Lisa wasn't playing dumb, she just wanted to understand why… Jennie thinks so. 

"Yeah, you...know what I'm feeling sometimes through… through the emails and even when we're together. I don't know what to feel about it, y'know about you knowing me better than myself."

"You have very transparent emotions and feelings and sometimes even thoughts." 

_ Why were they having such a serious conversation?  _

Lisa's answer made Jennie steal a quick glance at her. Just a little eye contact between the flutters of her eyelashes -- a break in her thoughts probably, before she went back to playing with the puddle. 

"I don't understand…"

Lisa smiled, scooting her chair closer to Jennie's.

"Remember your first email?"

"Urgh, yes… yes I do and please don't remind me of my stupidity." Jennie rolled her eyes, making Lisa laugh. 

"It wasn't stupid, a little careless… sure, but far from stupid Jen-Jen." Lisa reached out and held Jennie's hand, smiling at the cold surprise. Her fingers were wet and it made Lisa think of raindrops on her own warm skin. 

"Being careless is stupid Lisa…"

"Asking for help, from someone… anyone … online, through an email that… that bled with so much pain, confusion, and that innocent want… to move on and forget about the things that hurt most is incredibly careless, but also what you needed. So how is that stupid?" 

Jennie's brow furrowed, making a little crease on her forehead, making Lisa want to lean in and kiss the furrow away. 

"It's very much stupid, bearing yourself like that to a total stranger…"

Lisa let out an annoyed grunt, subtly. Just enough to let the building frustration in her chest out. Subtle enough that Jennie was unaware of it. 

"Look, it isn't … so stop saying it is, okay? But going back… to what I said about you being so transparent. Your emails always are. They're laced with so much sadness and guilt anyone who read it might've choked on it. You, you started writing them differently though -- there was this pretense of you being fine, something to hide the truth that you were hurting alone. It was so evident on the second, third email...and you get the point. You wanted to hide the pain so badly they peeked through, through your harsh harsh words of telling me to stop and that it was a mistake and that you never really wanted to send it. The succeeding emails where you sounded so, so mad and so dismissive."

"I don't get what you're trying to say, how is that related to my so-called 'transparency'." Her annoyed tone was back.

"You write feelings. You write so heavily with them it's so easy reading what you're feeling. The first email was all pain and guilt and choking regret. The next one's were feigned anger, annoyance and frustration to cover the minor slip up of your vulnerability. The emails that night, the one's you've sent when you woke up from that dream… you wrote about confusion and the drowning guilt… those...those emails you sent when you were at the hospital… they, they were so heavy with guilt Jennie, so heavy I found myself feeling all blue and dark gray but that's fine, very fine, to be able to share that feeling with you. Those were the emails that screamed to be understood, even if you don't want to, subconsciously you did. They were so full of self loathe and anger and regret and all sorts of grief… you write so heavily with them, that's why it's so easy to read you. You were writing you."

Lisa found herself absentmindedly drawing nonsense on Jennie's palm, only realizing it when the silence from Jennie was becoming heavier and heavier. She looked up from their intertwined hands to glance at Jennie and found her looking too, with a look that made Lisa want to tell her everything's all fine. 

"To be honest, if it weren't for the feelings that glared from the email … I would've deleted it. Deleted it and forgot about it. Even if I knew it'll haunt me for the next couple of days, but I knew that feeling would fade too and it would just be a random ass email I… received, read and deleted. But Jennie, you were so broken. So deep in that thought of darkness that I just couldn't turn away, y'know? Just … it's... God, why is this so hard?!"

Lisa surprised herself with the outburst and looked for Jennie's eyes immediately right after. They looked just as surprised but saw understanding brimming, just a bit. 

Jennie took her hand away and Lisa missed the warmth it brought to her, felt something was missing in its absence. 

"Okay, okay, you big baby… breathe… i write feelings… fine, but that doesn't explain how you could read me too, personally. How you could… possibly know what I need and want at the same time without me saying anything is beyond me."

Jennie held Lisa's face in both of her hands and pulled her, kissing her softly, their lips barely grazing. 

"I don't know either… it's… I look at you and see all this swirl of emotions and I find myself looking for ways to help you… anything to release that because keeping them in is bound to make you feel bad, cause you know.. heavy?"

"Yes...yes they were. So so heavy Lisa, so heavy."

"And I didn't want that for you. I didn't know you were J then, and yet I had the same desire to help you, you always have this hazy aura around you… something that bothered me because it was so dark." 

Jennie looked away, and Lisa understands how and why she's doing that. Realized it just now…

"You… you never wanted to send that email because you didn't want the other person to … be dragged into the same darkness with you… you never wanted to reach out to Jisoo and Rosie because… of the exact same thing. You never wanted to reach out for help even if you wanted so much too because you feel guilty… that you'll suck them into this blackhole of emotions … that--"

"Yes! Yes I did!"

Jennie's voice boomed, creating little ripples on the water inside the glass. 

"I didn't mean to, it's just ... you're doing it again… reading me and I feel so… bad and good about it at the same time…"

"I'm sorry, it's… wrong though for you to think that way when there are people around you who would gladly swim through the darkness with you, just so you could find the light at the end of it. Jennie I wanted to so much, which is why I never gave up on the replies even if I had thoughts of doing so, back then… before I gave you the green plushie. I thought about it long and hard at the park."

Jennie took Lisa's hand and kissed her fingertips, one by one. Lingering on each tip longer than she should. 

"I'm glad you didn't…"

Lisa found the words to be so comforting, feels it wrap around her like a warm hug, like a pat on the back. 

"I'm glad too… real you, was… a lot difficult to deal with, though."

Jennie's eyes shot up in confusion and Lisa chuckled 

"Oh, no… no… don't take it the wrong way. What I meant was… real you was… a lot more difficult to read. You had this underlying emotions swirling beneath the ones you put up on the front and only leaked out whenever you were unguarded? Like that...song we sang back at the diner? You… you were happiness personified. Those games when we played together… you looked so happy, far from the happy you at dance class. You laughed, for real there. Jennie I found myself wanting to make you smile and laugh all the time right after, just because the haze would disappear then and you reminded me of how much J was improving too. How I didn't see the parallels between you is the real stupidity here… I should've known… except I was so--"

"I'm so relieved, glad, happy, everything-in-between that it's you Lisa."

The sudden admission shook them both. Jennie pulled back, eyes wide. Lisa… Lisa didn't know what to make of it all, confusion was a weaker word for this. 

"What?" 

Jennie stood up and took a couple of steps back.

"I mean…"

"You're happy … that it's me?" It was slowly dawning onto her and Lisa couldn't help but smile, a huge bubble of a chuckle escaping her chest. 

Jennie looked as red as a tomato and was running her hands up and down her arms, trying her best not to look at Lisa but couldn't help it.

"I… no, it's...what I want to say is…God Lisa! This is so confusing and I don't know… I don't know what to say except I'm happy it's you… it's you … whatever that means… I don't know." 

"Tell me why then?" 

"Why?"

"Why … are you so relieved?"

Lisa loved it when Jennie was caught off guard, she tends to bite her lower lip and it stirred something inside that made her feel warm all over. Something that tickled the chest and made her want to jump over to where Jennie was standing and help her with the biting.

"You know why…" she whispered.

"If I knew I wouldn't have asked… tell me..."

Lisa stood up and closed the distance between them. Pulling Jennie into a hug, wrapping her arms around her, making sure the darkness was away and all that's left was warmth and sunlight.

_ But Lisa knew deep down that the darkness was needed too, in small drops. The darkness was necessary, just to remind people that the light will always be there.  _

She pulled Jennie closer, breathed in her shampoo and buried her fingers in her hair. Her other hand was laced around Jennie's waist, firmly, never wanting to let go. 

"I… seriously don't know Lisa. I just… it feels so right with you and it feels so right with L too. You, you made me realize a lot of things and real you made me… made me feel I wasn't so alone, and wanted that constant warmth around you… I'm … Urgh! Lisa, why are you making me do this? My head's all messed up and this question is making me confused and …"

"It's fine, let's figure things out together then. You and me… we'll make a great team, don't you think?" Lisa whispered against her hair and felt Jennie relax in her hold. 

Jennie pushed Lisa away, just enough for Lisa to let go and wonder what she did or say wrong this time. 

"You say the weirdest things, and yet you make Great sense." 

Lisa laughed, still a little bit confused at the little package of wonder that was: Jennie Kim. 

Jennie pulled her by the collar into a breathless kiss and Lisa feels the warmth flare up, like the first shot of whiskey. Feels the burn across her chest and feels it in her fingertips, wanting to break free, wanting to feel Jennie's skin. 

They pull away and Lisa finds herself blurting out words that was bubbling inside her chest for quite some time now. 

"I love you."

Jennie froze and Lisa knew she walked over the thin fine line she'd been balancing on and wanted to smack herself on the head for being so carelessly stupid. Yup, carelessly stupid all right. 

"You...you do?"

Jennie's voice shook, saw the unshed tears and her hands shaking as she ran them through her hair. 

_ Fuck! Did she mess up big time?!  _

"I… "

_ Should she pass this off as a joke or tell her the truth or… _

"I do… very much so... Jennie."

_ Is this what a messed up confession feels like? Being choked breathless by words you wished you didn't say, gasping, your whole body cold from the anxiety?  _

She stands there, just stands there. She wasn't even looking at Lisa. She had her eyes fixed on the glass, but Lisa knew she wasn't seeing it not with that clouded look in her eyes. 

"What's… love?"

Lisa barely heard her against the pounding in her chest. 

"It's uh... a word…"

"A word?"

Jennie sat down, her eyes locked unto her… but oddly enough Lisa couldn't read the emotion that hid behind confusion… 

"Yeah, a word…"

Lisa hears the bitter laughter tore into the hopes that she can still fix everything.

"And I thought you were a hopeless romantic not a realist Manoban…"

Lisa walks over, slowly…

"It's a word, an idea, something intangible...until…"

She stops in front of Jennie and falls to her knees, taking Jennie's shaking hands into her own and bringing then to her lips to warm them with soft kisses. Lisa tries to get Jennie to look at her and succeeds, giving the shorter girl a grin. 

"Until what?"

She hates how she made Jennie sound so defenseless and ...tired

"Until you give it to someone, then it becomes everything." 

Lisa pulls Jennie's hand and places them against her own chest, and stealing a quick kiss cutting off Jennie's question of "everything?"

She answers anyway...

"Remember how I said in that one email… that you remind me of the sunset? I realized I was wrong. You remind me of every moment in between sunset and sunrise… every color the sky changes to… in between those moments."

She falls on her back as Jennie pushes herself against her in a hungry kiss that took her breath away, they tumbled unto the floor and Lisa feels the warm tears as they fall against her cheeks

"You're... you're just perfect. Why are you perfect?"

Jennie kisses her again, before she could answer and feels her warm hands hitch her shirt, warm hands running lines on her skin, running lines of fire on her abdomen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while.


	39. Why Won't You Believe Me

Jennie hears the words over and over again in her head. 

_ I love you _

_ Moments in between sunsets and sunrise _

_ Everything… _

She runs her hands across Lisa's abdomen, craving for the warmth her skin offered. The warmth of her words and the warmth of her touch, her kisses and her skin. 

She was sprawled on top of Lisa on the floor, her hair encasing them both, casting shadows on Lisa's skin as she kissed her. Long and hard. The kind that you do when you wanted someone, wanted someone so much, a kiss seemed to siphon out the other's soul. And she doesn't mind that, if that were true, wanting a piece of Lisa's soul and wanting Lisa to have a piece of her own soul too. Just have them mingle inside, light for darkness and darkness for light. Having them dance inside themselves, never mixed with each other, just them existing separately within them harmoniously. A beautiful contrast. 

She pulls away to look at Lisa and knows the half lidded eyes, the tongue running against the bottom lip and the slow breathing meant one thing. And she wants that too. Wants it so much she ran her hands higher until they grazed the fabric of Lisa's bra, Lisa let out another deep breath that made her stop her little journey of getting to know Lisa's skin. 

"Jen…"

She hears the want, and the need. Hears it along her name and she feels the warmth inside her burn into something uncontrollable, she pushes Lisa against the floor rather hard, and hitches her shirt higher. She sees a bit of flesh peeking out from under her and it fuels her desire even more. 

She starts grinding against Lisa, she feels the trickle inside her build up, putting tension and making her crave that release. Craves the touch and the warmth from Lisa to make the same burn inside her to subside. Jennie grinds harder, more forcefully, the fabric of her jeans doing little to help with relenting the pressure. 

"Jen…"

Hearing her name said with such tenderness and love made her moan. 

"Not here..."

Jennie stops, confused.

"You...you want me to stop?" 

Lisa reached over to run her hands against Jennie's cheek. Making her close her eyes at the touch, making her want more of the gentle caress and the warm hands that stayed, cupping her face. 

"Just long enough for us to get to my bedroom."

She stays silent and nods instead. She feels Lisa hesitate and realizes she was still on top of her. 

"Ye-yeah, bedroom…"

"Jennie?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you fine?"

Jennie comes undone at the words. It was hard to keep yourself together when the person who means the most to you tells you they love you and you find it hard to accept and believe because who are you anyway? For them to love? When you couldn't even love yourself… 

She hides and burrows herself against Lisa's neck and grabs onto Lisa's hands on her face, pinning them there with her own. Not really caring that they were already wet with her tears. 

"You shouldn't have asked that…"

Not that she didn't want to answer it too, it was just… a reminder that she was still on her way there. Towards "fine" and the same words of I love you running through her head again and again made her question herself and Lisa and she doesn't want that. Not when it made her feel good a while ago. Now all the questions of why and how and what-if were back. 

"I'm sorry…"

"You shouldn't be either…"

She pulls away again, throwing Lisa's hands away and standing up. She doesn't want to see whatever emotion Lisa had so she covers her eyes and allowed the tears to fall again. It was always regret and disappointment anyway, so why should be bother checking

"I shouldn't but I am. What's… what's wrong? Did I do something or…"

"No.. I…"

"What Jennie?"

"Aren't you tired of me? At all? Of confusing you and disappointing you and I don't fucking know… just… aren't you tired of me at all Lisa?" She hates it when her voice breaks in between sobs. She sounded so weak and hated it. 

"Come here."

Jennie feels Lisa's warmth and hears her feet shuffle against the wooden floor. 

"Let's get you warmed up and I'll answer after ok?"

Jennie peeks through the spaces between her fingers and sees a smiling Lisa. 

Lisa holds out her hand and Jennie doesn't give it much thought, she takes it and she's being led to Lisa's bed. 

* * *

Everything was either happening too fast or too slow or if her thoughts made everything blurry. Jennie doesn't know how but she found wrapped in blankets, bundled around her in puffs and Lisa looking into her eyes with the same soft set expression. 

"I'm going to get something warm for you to drink."

She wiped a tear away and leaned in to kiss Jennie on the cheek. 

"Wait!" Holding on to Lisa's hand "stay here… with me."

Jennie finds the admission and request rather childish and clingy, half of her wanting Lisa to ignore it and go make her something warm instead but the half was stubborn and wanted Lisa here with her, beside her, against her, on her, under her, anywhere just as long as it was with her.

Lisa nods, doesn't say much or anything at all and takes the covers off for a bit before putting them back over them as she settled beside her. 

"Better?"

Jennies shakes her head.  _ No. _

Lisa laughs and scoots closer, wrapping her in a hug. 

"How about this?"

Shake.  _ No.  _

She finds Lisa raising an eyebrow and she feels the warmth creep up to her cheeks. 

Lisa scoots closer again, this time too close Jennie could feel her eyelashes against her cheeks. She gives Jennie another look of  _ Is this fine?  _

_ No… I need…  _

Lisa kisses her briefly, just enough to stop her from thoughts. Lisa hands fumbled with the buttons on her shirt. One by one. Until it was open and Lisa's hands were working on removing it entirely. 

Jennie lets out a soft moan the moment she feels Lisa's warm hands on her clammy skin. Feels her trace something imaginary, a little map until they settle on her chest.

"I love you." She says it so casually, Jennie almost flinched, almost believed it. 

Lisa kisses her again. 

She pulls away and runs her hand lower, fingers teasing the tips of her jeans. 

"I love you, not because you're real pretty…" 

Lisa runs her hand lower, working on the zipper. 

"Not because you're extremely talented too… and sarcastic and grumpy."

Jennie feels the warmth and was growing impatient at all the teasing, she starts to grind against Lisa's palm. She doesn't need all this talk about love and why's and wanted Lisa to make her feel warm -- not confused. 

She kisses her to make her shut up, shivers and moans the moment she felt Lisa's hands on her. Soft, butterfly touches against her. 

"Why won't you believe me."

The sudden stop made Jennie groan, left at wanting even more. She stays silent and wraps her arms around Lisa, pulling her closer, pushing herself closer against Lisa's hand and Lisa's warmth. 

"Tell me…"

She hears the tinge of sadness and hopelessness in Lisa's voice.

"I'm… confused as to how you could find yourself ever loving me when I'm so… cracked."

Lisa runs her fingers in circles and Jennie finds it too good. 

"I love you …" she says it again with the same sadness pooling deeper into each space between the words. 

She pushes deeper and Jennie finds the warmth inside spread, spreading into every crack. 

Lisa buries her head against Jennie's neck and bites into it hard, making her gasp and moan. The biting and the circular motions and the pushing and pulling was making Jennie more and more sensitive. More and more warm … just a bit more and she'll …

She feels the coldness first before realizing they were tears against her warm skin… realizing Lisa was crying. 

The motions and the coldness and the bites were driving her towards the edge until she feels the release and she shudders against Lisa's hands and moan against Lisa's bites. 

"I'm sorry." She answers breathlessly, hugging Lisa tightly as the tears fell against her skin. "I … don't know why you love me… can never understand why you do and how you could ever."

"Why do you hate yourself?"

She never heard bitterness from Lisa before and it cut through her, cut through the confusion. 

"I... I don't"

"Then what makes you think you're so unlovable?!"

Lisa pulled her hand away and grabbed the sheets behind Jennie, balling them in her hands. 

"I…"

"What makes you think you're so… so… unfit for love? Why would you think that Jennie?"

She was sobbing uncontrollably and Jennie found herself panicking at what to do, what to say, what truth to tell.

"I'm sorry…" 

"Don't be." The sudden change in Lisa's voice confused her. She ran her fingers through Jennie's hair and whispered. "Don't be Jennie, don't be."

"I… I don't know what to say…"

"You don't have to, just let me love you, let me show you… how … why... I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Belated Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrated it yesterday.


	40. You Mean a Lot to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY DON'T WE TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENING INSIDE JENNIE'S HEAD AT ALL THIS? A SLIGHT BREAK IN THIRD PERSON POV ...

The tiny little pin pricks that crept up from my hand up the length of my arm was beginning to become uncomfortable, a reminder that my arm was falling asleep beneath her weight. I looked at her for a good while, not sure for how long … could’ve been for a couple of minutes, could’ve been seconds or was it an hour now? Time was a weird concept for me, sometimes it ran so fast, sometimes it took its time. _Time was weird…_

I take in every feature that shone against the blue-gray light coming from the open window, shadows drew lines on her skin and I find it makes a beautiful contrast of supple bluish white and gray black. I see her eyelashes flutter, and she shuffles -- turning her face away a bit, I hold my breath. I hold my breath and keep it in, like my thoughts. _‘You mean a lot to me’_ I whisper in hushed tones, whispering it mostly to this empty space before me and hoping, secretly… in a way that it somehow reaches her subconsciousness. Where every pretty thing, and every equally ugly thing lurked. Let that be something in her in-betweens, let it be something she holds on to, when she wakes up, troubled by thoughts or comforted by memories. Let that little phrase, those six words, run against her consciousness and make her feel better. Let that make her feel answered to, when I couldn’t find the same three words she longed for inside of me. Not now anyways. 

Her bangs covered most of her forehead, I stifle a chuckle (wouldn’t want her to wake up), to be honest it covered the whole of her forehead and I loved running my fingers, just grazing the tips. Back and forth, fingertips grazing her soft skin just above her eyebrows. I find myself looking at her lips and find myself wanting to bridge the invisible gap. Wanting to take what she can offer when she does, when she was given the chance. I trace the line where the shadows and the bluish gray light meet, with my eyes. Saw the slow, steady rise and fall of her chest. 

I carefully take my hand from beneath her, slowly. Not wanting to make any sudden movements. She’d been crying so much… at me, for me, because of me. I won’t lie, I was done with that. Lying to myself was such a tiresome thing to do. It broke me when she did, when those first few tears fell, when she asked me questions I don’t have the answers to. Feeling guilty was one thing, feeling guilty over things you knew about, had answers to, was easier. This… this was heartbreaking. I felt the way my chest crumpled into this little ball. She breathed deeply, and I stopped mid action, my arm was halfway out and halfway in beneath her pillow. She let out a soft puff of air, and wrinkled her nose. _Cute_

I waited, not really moving, and not really breathing either...until I was certain she was back asleep. I slid my arm, swiftly. The pillow, was luckily fluffy enough to not move from the sudden movement. I slip away from the bed, took the covers off of me and hated the way the cold floor made me flinch a bit. Staying beneath the covers was warm and good and I wanted to stay but at the same time I wanted to go. Looking at her was making everything difficult and easier. _Why was I so full of contradictions? So full of this and that. Push and pull? Yes or no?_

I tiptoed towards the door and opened it as slowly as I could. It didn’t squeak, didn’t even creak on it hinges. The cold mahogany floors were making my toes numb and I loved the feeling of dragging my steps against the wool of the carpet, felt how it brushed through my cold skin and made them warm again. 

“What do I do now?” my voice squeaked and I squinted to familiarize myself with the dark kitchen. The only source of light was the open light by the hallway towards the door. 

I walked slowly, taking my time, when everything around you was sound asleep you realize how time slows down too -- with you. I walk over to the table where we had dinner. Well, atleast _tried_ to have dinner. It was kind of hard when you’ve known someone and not know them at the same time. I knew L, mostly from snippets from the emails I received. She was nice, knew she was thoughtful, and at the same time … I didn’t, what did I know? Aside from what I think I know she was? I take a seat, not without any flair. Just plopped myself right into it, unceremoniously, not even gracefully. 

The surface of the table was chipped in some places, mostly edges and I ran my fingers across them. Loved the feel of the rough dents and the way i’d feel smoothness and then the dents again. 

I rolled the thoughts inside my head, to be honest what I’m doing was sorting my feelings out. 

I was… confused, yeah very. I was… overwhelmed, a little bit mad, a whole lot of relieved, a whole lot of anything. Just swirling. It was kind of difficult to find the one feeling or emotion that stood out. It was like a cooking pot. A dash of this, a bit of that, pour in a little of this, stir in that. 

_I love you…_

What does that mean? When someone does? 

I knew little of the feeling, much of which I came to know from my time with Irene. It was to be honest a weird mix of anxiety, fear, clamminess, the need to vomit sometimes when the feeling’s too much, giddy? Yeah, yeah I was giddy too. Excited, restless. All of that rolled into one big puff of emotion. That was Love for me, or traces of what it was for me. I broke down, broke those into tiny little pieces the moment I found out she was dating Seulgi. But that was the past… all in the past, nothing to do with what I have now. 

I place my arms on the table, quite hard that it made a _bump._ Loud enough only I could hear. I crossed them together and buried my hands into my warm armpits. _To chase away the night cold._

The clock on the wall, was ticking, each tick was a thought that jumped inside me, or rather a question that got lost in a sea of emotions. 

_Why?_

_How?_

_Why?_

_How?_

_What?_

_Maybe?_

They all start with that, and do you know what they all end up with? Silence. Nothing. Nada, nil. Not even a yes or a no. 

I stare off into the blank, gray corner of Lisa’s apartment wall. There was this spot where each corner met and it was painted cream, when the lights were on, but looked a sad washed off gray when the lights were off. I just looked at it, not really realizing I had a blank mind. Probably cause I was too transfixed. 

What does it feel like to be in love? 

I say it out loud, just loud enough it’s presence hung around me the moment it was released out into the open. 

I don’t know. 

Of course I didn’t -- I don’t even know how to love myself. That feeling was obviously so foreign. 

Maybe I was asking all the wrong questions? 

Let me try that again.

How does Lisa make me feel? 

Lisa… Lisa makes me feel warm, makes me feel… so sure of myself. 

Okay, good. 

What else?? 

Lisa feels like a hug, not the kind that was given out of comfort or want of comfort. The kind of hug you never knew you needed when it was cold and when you suddenly realize you were lonely. 

Lisa feels like safety, that hand that reaches out. Whatever that means… wait, no… I know what that means. Remember … when you were small and you’d get these nightmares from watching too much scary stuff on late night shows because you were feeling all brave and strong but ended up scared anyways? Or when you slept and suddenly felt this strong urge of panic building inside of you and realizing that you can’t move, you can’t speak, can’t do anything? She’s, she’s that sudden kick inside of you that jolts you awake, and the sudden breath of calmness that settles over you minutes after -- yeah, that kind of safety. The kind that makes you think nothing bad will ever come to you even if this sort of thing happens every night. 

She’s the right kind of questions… when you’re doubting, or for when you can’t understand yourself or for when you don’t know anything at all. The right kind of questions that makes you realize things out of the blue and makes you see things for who or what or why or how they were. That kind of clarity. 

I find her to be a lot of things… should I continue? 

Yeah, yeah I should. I guess you want to know? I want to know too. For my own peace’s sake. Maybe if I lay it out this way I’d know what I feel? Maybe it’s already in me? I just don’t know how to identify or acknowledge it inside amidst all the feeling, you know? Or I never had the voice for it? Damn…. Too many questions I don’t have the answers to again. 

Lisa was like that breath of fresh air when it’s Spring? That first waft of air filled with all sorts of flowery undertones? Yeah, like that. She was a breath of fresh air, something new. 

She was like that first few patter of raindrops on your skin that gloomy afternoon, for when you forget to bring an umbrella with you. That cold stark feeling out of nowhere? You find it annoying and weird at first but it grows on you… slowly, with each drop? You begin to feel happy? More fun, more playful? 

She was… and I feel like I’ve said this a lot now. I’m beginning to cringe at how much I have to make this stupid comparison. It was sappy and so not myself? To see things so blindingly clear, it was mostly haze and fog inside but she comes right through with her rays of sunshine and all? None a single ounce of darkness through and through. It was sickening at first, to be honest, hearing all that good things she had to say about me? Who finds my high pitched, strained laughter beautiful? She does… keeps on saying she likes making me laugh, that dumbass. Who finds me adorable? I was snarky, and every bit as grumpy as a cat you just stepped on. Who finds me beautiful? Amidst all these imperfections? She does, that idiot. She does, and it grows on you? You know? When someone constantly tells you how … how wonderful you are? How much you mean to them? It grows on you and you begin to doubt your darkness… you begin to doubt that dark, blackhole inside of you.. That maybe… you were all the things she was saying you were. That maybe you were just seeing yourself wrong, that you had the wrong mirror in front of you. She was like that. You wake up, and you cover your eyes from that sudden attack of light cause it’s too much? Too sudden? But then you pull your hands away and enjoy the warmth and light it brings? That’s her. That’s every bit like her. Not an ounce of darkness,,, if there was, she’s fucking good at hiding it. I like her for it and I kind of hate her for it too. Cause I’m beginning to look at myself differently.

Was that… was that love? Is that love? Or … I hate a lot of things about her too. 

She was too damn annoying, she’d nag and nag and nag and make me feel incompetent sometimes (not really the bad kin). Just the kind that makes you want to scream at her “I KNOW WHAT IM FUCKING DOING BUT THANKS FOR THE CONCERN ANYWAY?!” Yeah… that kind of annoying. 

She was too, too fucking caring … but it’s growing on me, don’t tell her that. Not that this is a BAD thing… No. This was good. This was good in a way. I just find myself awkward at people who tried to show they care… but she was persistent and annoying like that. 

She was… too positive, too caught up in this idealistic situations inside her head, much like fairy tales in her head? But I kind of like it too… in a way, cause she … she makes me see the good side of things, the half full side of the glass and it makes me realize that maybe I deserve some of those good things she talks about. I hate her, for making me feel hopeful sometimes. 

And don’t get me started on her weird way of knowing what I’m thinking or sometimes feeling… it makes me feel naked, but also … to be honest a little understood, and she does these weird things out of nowhere that makes me feel good. That singing sesh, that claw machine, that teddy bear, that toy story plushie. 

She’s a lot of things and then sometimes none of these things and --

I look up at the sudden sound of the door opening and a sleepy Lisa rubbing through her sleep glazed eyes.

“Hey… you … I… woke up and you… you weren’t there.”

I find myself voiceless again, for a bit, at her sad tinged tone she covered with this icky fake happy voice of hers, as if she doesnt know I know.

“Missing me so soon?”

“I always do…penny for your thoughts?”

  
  
  



	41. The Kind that Stays Rather Stubbornly

She finds it rather comforting, to just lie there in the dark with her eyes closed. She’s beginning to see these green spots against the black, green spots tinged with red and yellow. It hurt her eyes a bit, strained them a little until she felt the tears from them escape. It hurt a bit -- yes, but she liked how it was keeping her awake and relaxed in a weird way. She feels Jennie stir beside her, feels the deep breaths and the heavy sighs. Lisa keeps her eyes shut, hoping that it looked natural, felt natural or at best seemed natural. She feels Jennie’s hands move beneath the pillow and Lisa tries to turn away, just a little, just so it wasn’t obvious enough that she was awake and feigning sleep. 

“You mean a lot to me.” she hears the whispered words.

It stirs something inside her. Something, something that was slowly imbuing itself in her mind and the heaviness in her chest was back. _It shouldn’t, but why is it, still? Why is it doing this weird thump thump against her chest and why is it feeling all heavy, in a different way and ticklish and …_

Jennie stirs again, this time successfully taking her arm away. Lisa keeps still, tries to breathe out evenly and not let her growing internal panic get the best of her. She feels a momentary breeze of cold air waft into the comfort of her bed as Jennie throws her side of the blanket away and allows it to settle over Lisa’s side. Lisa keeps her eyes shut, biting the insides of her cheeks rather hard to keep herself from shivering as she tries to focus on the dull thuds of Jennie’s steps. She tries to open her eyes, just enough to catch the pale white streaks of light from the hallway and Jennie’s own retreating figure going out into the shadows and the door closing softly. 

She stays there, lying still. Afraid that Jennie might come back at any given moment. So Lisa stays still, stays silent… except for the incredibly loud beating of her own heart she can hear over the deafening silence of her own room. She tries to count, slowly at first, hoping it coincides with how fast the seconds tick by. One hundred and fifty four, she feels her hands go clammy. Two hundred and forty six … _shouldn’t she be back by now?_

Lisa pulls the covers around her tighter, a different kind of cold was settling inside her. The kind that stayed rather stubbornly, the kind that made itself known, and the kind that was hard to get rid of no matter how much you bundled yourself under warm sheets. She was staring at her dull blue ceiling now. Streaks of black and a paler, more washed out version of it’s own color ran across the length of it, little shadows dancing above her. She looked at each senseless form, allowing her eyes to dart from one form to another. Focusing on things made the thinking less abrasive, less intrusive, less… less… _less_. 

_Was she moving things too fast? Did she do something wrong? Was it… was it wrong for her to say those things so early on? Was she … was she pressuring Jennie into doing something she’s not comfortable with? God!_

_Why was she so selfish?_

It was. Right? Selfish... to think of nothing and no one but yourself in a situation where you should’ve put both of your own feelings into consideration. Selfish, to place something as big, something as unavoidable -- a big elephant in the room, into light. To have Jennie be placed in such a position that might’ve made everything more confusing, more messier for her. Lisa doesn’t realize she’d been biting the edges of the blanket, been biting too hard... her jaw hurt, and the part of the blanket was starting to get wet. 

“Argghhh! Fuck!”

She scrambles up, sitting on the bed with the covers strewn around her and the night breeze from the open window playing with the tips of her hair. Lisa leans against the headboard, and lets out a long sigh. A long sigh she’d been keeping inside her for quite some time. 

These were the times where she allowed the thoughts to get the best of her, where she allowed them to spill out, one thought after the other. 

_Was Jennie fine?_

_What was Jennie thinking?_

_Was Jennie bothered so much by the confession?_

_Why was she stupid?_

Her head was beginning to hurt, a slight throbbing just above her eyes which would gradually spread throughout and would make the thinking all the more difficult, all the more confusing. Lisa tries to avoid this as much as possible, tries to prevent the thoughts from taking over, because she tends to do careless shit when it does. The only time she was thankful she allowed them was when she decided to reply to J’s email. A sudden impulse that gradually pitted her into this … ride. 

She looked at the curtains that were swaying in the breeze that swept in from time to time. Helping the bitter cold inside her build into an uncontrollable shiver that made her grip the ends of the covers and pulled them over her as she sat. She played with the fabric, running her cold numb fingers inside, feeling the smooth, soft fabric helped. 

Lisa realizes how incredibly easy it was to say one thing and have it be so hard to act upon. If she was so positive with other people why can’t she be positive with herself? What separated her from the rest of the people that it was becoming more like a torture to find the words to soothe her mind? She was allowing things to blow out of proportion than what it really was, she knew it and yet could never find it in herself to accept it. She shivers again, not from the breeze but from the truth of the thoughts and realizations. 

_Because you crave validation. You crave the words “nothing’s wrong”. You crave words of comfort too, words that would calm your mind from wave after wave of questions that will never have answers -- or that had answers you continue to turn a blind eye to. You crave them, but know now was not the time to, because she’s just as confused as you. Just as worried as you. Drowning like you, in thoughts that are probably heavier than yours. This wasn’t being selfish… because it is just as valid as everything else. This was just… not the time. Not the time to crave for something that can’t be given, and you need to realize that it’s fine. To not hear them from her, to not have her see that you’re struggling too, because she needs clarity from herself._

Lisa does this often too, talk to herself inside her mind. She reaches for her phone and checks the time, 3:33AM. 

_How long was Jennie gone?_

Lisa throws the covers away and slides off the bed. Pacing back and forth. 

_Should I go or should I leave her alone?_

Lisa acts before she could fully think things through and slowly opens the door. The kitchen wasn’t far, just a few steps from her own room, and even if the whole house was shrouded with a certain kind of darkness… Lisa could see her clearly, crossed arms on top of the kitchen table. She couldn’t make up what she looked like, if she was frowning or if she was smiling or had a face devoid of emotion. All she could see was the certain way her shoulders slumped against the chair’s back and how incredibly tired her physique looked. 

She whips her head towards Lisa’s direction and Lisa knew she had to act fast. She rubbed her eyes in an attempt to make it look like she just woke up. _Just this night, let her lie to her tonight._

“Hey… you … I… woke up and you… you weren’t there.” Lisa’s voice was a bit hoarse and she tried to make it sound more happy. She could feel the sad overtones leaking right through though and saw a brief look of annoyed familiarity on Jennie’s face and knew she knew. 

“Missing me so soon?”

_Was it wrong for her to be? I guess it was… but there’s no point in hiding it. It’ll be visible soon enough anyway._

“I always do…penny for your thoughts?” Lisa walks towards her slowly, taking her time. Afraid anything sudden might make Jennie close herself off. _To be honest, she just doesn’t know what to say if Jennie finds herself answering the question… doesn’t know how to react if she does._

“Being all blunt tonight, huh?” She smiled … Lisa could see it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“I am, yeah.” Lisa pulled the chair closest to Jennie, sitting to face her. Wanting to see, no wanting to try and understand what might be running through her mind. 

“It’s nothing Lisa, just thinking about things.” Her answer came in the form of a whisper.

“What… kind of things?” 

“Why are you awake? Did I… did I wake you up or something?” She was trying to change the subject and Lisa found Jennie’s eyes darting from the table to the wall. 

“Nah, couldn’t sleep. The night’s… too cold I guess?” _we’re too cold._

“It is…” her voice was becoming fainter and fainter. 

“Are you… thinking about what I said?” 

That was one way to blurt things out of the blue, another way to address the dreaded question mark hanging in the air and awkward silence between them.

“Huh?” Lisa could hear genuine curiosity, 

“About… about me suddenly saying ‘I love you’” She was beginning to think she sounded funny, for asking such dumb questions, but she needed answers even when... _when she knew fully well now wasn’t supposed to be the time for that._

It took her a while to reply. Jennie kept her gaze fixed on the empty wall, frowning at the dark corner. “I guess lying to you will do no good. You can see it anyways. Yes… I’m thinking about it.”

“What about it?”

Jennie looked back at her, head tilted, brows furrowed. 

“I… I just want to know what you thought about it.” Lisa shrugged her shoulders, to try and loosen up the situation. That’s what she does best, make everything look like it didn’t bother her when it did. 

Jennie nodded, it was subtle. A brief movement of up and down before looking away and finding the wall to be more appealing. 

“To be honest Lisa, I don’t know what I think about it. I’ve been trying to… understand the thoughts but they’re too jumbled up right now that I don’t know what to say to you.” 

Lisa looks at her, tries to take in her posture and finds Jennie’s right hand fidgeting. Playing with the loose pajama fabric and pinching the loose fabric in between her thumbs and fingers, making it pool in her hand. Lisa reaches out instinctively, holding onto it with as much tenderness she could muster. This makes Jennie look back with a soft “oh…” and her eyes focused on their hands. 

“It’s fine though, if you… don’t.” Lisa whispered back

“If I don’t what?” The confusion was back but this time it was laced with a certain kind of frustration it didn’t sit well with Lisa when she heard it. 

“If you don’t love me… or if you won’t or if you...can’t. It’s fine.” It was the truth and Lisa has just realized it when Jennie … didn’t know what she felt. 

“What makes you think I don’t or won’t” Lisa could hear the soft accusation masked in the question. 

“I’m not saying that, it’s just… me… telling you it’s fine if you… you know.” 

“Do you think Im incapable of … of that feeling? And after all this time I thought you understood, you understand what I’m…” Her voice was beginning to hitch in panic. 

“Hey… hey…” Lisa went to cup Jennie’s face with both of her hands. Steadying her and making her look at Lisa. Nothing else but at her, this time. “I know, you are… capable. I’m just saying… all I’m saying is don’t pressure yourself into feeling the same thing just because I do, and in the event you would because you think you have to after everything that happened between us. I’ll understand whatever happens, Jen-Jen… so please don’t think you’re not capable of feeling love… You are…”

Tears were beginning to cloud her eyes and Lisa wanted to kick herself for being so stupid. 

“It’s not that...I don’t … it’s just… I can’t, not right now. I can’t say those three words back to you… Not ...now… I’m just too…”

“Shhhh… I know and I told you… It’s fine. You don’t have to say it back now, or ever if you realize stuff. I’m not asking you to, never did. I just… wanted you to know. Wanted you to know because the thought has been killing me and choking me and I just wanted you to know that I love you. I love every bit of you. The broken parts and the ones that aren’t. You’re a wonderful person even if you can’t see that now. You’re so wonderful…” Lisa almost choked on the tears she was trying so hard to fight off. 

“Why… do you see me in that way Lisa? I’m… I’m not worthy of everything you’ve been telling me. I’m far from wonderful…let alone lovable.”

Lisa had to chuckle, because partly she found it funny and partly to drive the tears away.

“You aren’t. There are times when you’re not so lovable and times when you are… to be honest.” Lisa tried to give her a huge grin and almost laughed at the way Jennie rolled her eyes but Lisa could see Jennie was trying to keep the tears in check just as much as she was. “I love you though during those times when you’re not that lovable, love you when you go all grumpy and negative and you know you… When you’re very much you. I love you too, when you’re lovable, during times when you’d try your best to be better because you want to.” 

“But… I’m too fucking sad, too much baggage with me. Why would you want that?” 

“You are...sad, very, most of the time and other times… just sometimes. But everyone is, in one way or another you know? Sad in their own way. Sad… always, sometimes, most of the time…. But never never. What’s wrong with being sad that you’d think I’d shy away from loving you because of it?” 

Jennie hiccuped and the tears burst, pushing Lisa’s hands away for her to cover her own face as she shook. Lisa didn’t move, didn’t try to put her arms around her this time because she knows Jennie needed to. Cry it out. When everything seems too bleak and seems too heavy, it was best to cry it out. 

“Because…” Jennie took a big gulp of air in between gasps and tried to wipe away the tears from her face with shaking hands, making it look sloppily. “Because I’m not … I’m not… worth it.”

This broke Lisa’s heart. To hear such painful words come from someone she loves so much. Lisa scooped her up and pulled her closer. Kissing her on the cheek slowly, and helping her with wiping her face. She kisses her again, tiny butterfly kisses along her jaw. 

_Screw wanting validation now, she’ll fucking reassure and validate the fuck out of Jennie._

“You are… more than you’ll ever think... Worth it, to me Jennie. Worth it so much. For everything that you are, and anything that you could be and there’s nothing that could change that thought... not even what you were...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a wonderful weekend :)


	42. I'm Sorry, Sunshine

**To: MRJK@nomail.com**

**CC:**

**BCC:**

**SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Hey,**

**I probably won’t send this or maybe I will… someday or today, or when I’m ready and when you’re not as confused and bothered as well. (lol this brings back memories from that very first email you sent, who would’ve thought I’d do the same?)**

**So, this is weird -- what is there to write? Thoughts. Thoughts, Thoughts. Yes, my thoughts. There's few actually, it's mostly overwhelming emotions inside me that I'd like to get rid of through crying. I did. Cry. Last night, out of what and why? I really don't know. Or I know except I just don't want to acknowledge it because it seems the longer this goes on inside my head, the more I find out how incredibly selfish I am. One thought opens to another thought.**

**Let me try to be as open as possible though, you deserve that at least. I feel like there's this great big ocean inside my heart. I could feel the waves toss and turn and rumble and crash. Feel it to be so tumultuous. Something happened that night. Something about it flicked a switch inside my head, something I’ve never thought I’d feel again.**

**You see, lately I feel like the thoughts are becoming more insistent, more … more there. I look at you and can’t help it. I look at you and find myself not knowing how to talk to you, how to act around you without the thoughts choking me. I used to find it to be so easy to be very open about what's going on inside my head and lately I find it to be one of the hardest things ever. To tell you the truth. So I keep silent and just… look at you and try to understand you, and wait for you. I feel like the walls are back up. and not just any wall, it's like a multi layered wall that I can’t see right through, or maybe I do see right through but I don’t want to. I am selfish, I think of nothing but myself. But apart from all these negative equally possible realizations and theories, another part of me is trying to rationalize that maybe you’re just thinking things through at the moment and that I should give you space to breathe… to think about stuff. But another part of me says to push on annoyingly and stubbornly. This makes me feel guilty and all sorts of confused. The former is winning, but I have these tinges..... thoughts around the corner that if I do this, I’d lose you -- slowly. Kind of like that, and it fucking hurts. You know? Just suddenly realizing how incredibly selfish I’ve become of you. So having all these thoughts is making me hate myself because why the fuck would I think that? Why do I think like everything has to revolve around me? Why am I so scared of what may be the potential truth of things? Why do I think this way?**

**Help me Jen, no amount of talking myself out of these thoughts is helping me at all. It's even doing more damage. The more I rationalize myself out of all the negativity, my mind is thinking of more logical things to further the point of the negative thoughts and it's breaking me. I've bumped into walls, I've stumbled while walking. My mind's blank, my heart's heavy, I don't know what to feel, my thoughts are all jumbled up. It's a mess. I'm a fucking mess Jennie, and it’s been quite some time since I last felt this way. This… desperate, and confused and … broken. I feel like I’m a malfunctioned, unhealthy version of myself.**

**I want to tell you, but I don’t know how.**

**Lisa**

Lisa reads through the email, her thumb hovering above “send” on the phone screen. She thinks through the multiple possible outcomes, and decides on pressing “home” instead, allowing the email to be swept into her drafts. It was what? The third email she has tried to compose and have left untouched. Collecting pixelized dust in her drafts folder. 

“Maybe next time.” she muttered under her breath. 

She turned the lights inside the dance room on and threw her duffel bag to a corner before facing her own reflection in the mirror. It’s been three days since that night. Three days of awkward glances and awkward silence between them, she thinks? 

_“Hey Jen-Jen, you fine?” She peered through the spaces in between the two pillows she used to cover her face when she slept._

_Jennie looked at her and gave her a small nod and a pensive smile._

_Lisa hesitated a bit, wanting to ask if she was sure, but Jennie was quicker. She turned the other way and shrugged her shoulders, making the blanket around her wrinkle and move._

_“Good night Lisa.”_

_There were, if she counted enough, about thirty-seven thoughts running through her head all at the same as she watched Jennie’s shoulders rise and fall. She looked on, wanting to ask thought number 1 but then it was stupid, so why not try thought number 3? Or maybe 5? Or 9? Or… the moment she settled on thought number 14 Jennie’s breathing was steady, a steady rhythm that indicated she had fallen asleep, so Lisa swallows the question instead and stares at her delicate back and sighed deeply._

_Morning right after, Lisa woke up to a note on the pillow that said nothing but:_

_See you at Dance class, thank you for the dinner._

_It’s nice finally knowing you’re L -- really._

_Have a great day Lisa._

_Xoxo - J_

* * *

Why was she so stupid? She was a dumbass, nothing more and nothing less. Couldn’t even keep herself from saying things that scared people away. Lisa flinched, an automatic response to a memory she thought was forever pushed back into her subconscious. 

_She stared at the crumpled piece of paper in her hands. Her mother was crying in the other room. In “their” room, or what was left of it. Of the word “their”, of the essence of it, of everything it stood for. She hears her mother cursing and asking questions she didn’t understand, questions she’d been screaming at “God” since early morning. The same screams that woke her up from her bed and the same screams that made it hard for her to understand the piece of note left on her bedside drawer._

_She feels her own eyes prickle and feels the warm tears flow again. She opens the paper and tries to smoothen out the edges. The paper looked huge in her tiny hands. The scribbles barely legible, the tears made the words swim and she feels her chest tighten. All the silent sobbing was making it difficult to breathe._

_She hears another scream. Hears the door slam and the hinges rattle. Lisa flinches. Her mother wasn’t this loud, wasn’t this… this angry._

_The paper was soggy from all of the tears it managed to catch, the scribbles looked like little octopuses now, tendrils spreading out against creamy white as the ink spread. But… despite all of this Lisa could still read it. Read the words that will forever be etched in her memory. It was her favorite handwriting after all._

_I’m sorry, sunshine._

_I’m so sorry._

“Hey Lisa! You’re here early.” Jisoo’s voice boomed against the silence that was beginning to be choking. 

She breathed in long and hard and put on her widest grin before turning around 

“Hey Chu! Yeah, I … had to take care of things here first. Where’s Rosie and Jen Jen?” 

“Shouldn’t you know where your girlfriend is?” 

Lisa brushed off the question with a shrug, Jisoo was eyeing her curiously and the knowing grin on her face was making Lisa flustered. _Did anyone know?_

“How did you…”

“Kissing each other at evaluations, on stage, in front of everyone. Kind of a no-brainer, don’t you think?” 

“I...you have a --”

“Hey Lis!” Rosie’s head poked through the door and a grumpy looking Jennie sauntered right after with a huge frown, making Jisoo laugh. 

“Well… someone’s in a foul mood.” 

Rosie skipped right over to Jisoo who beamed at the action. 

“Hey…” Jennie smiled at Lisa, and scowled at Rosie who was ignoring her and whose attention was fixed at a candy bar Jisoo was offering. 

“Hey to you too… Are you --”

“I’m fine Lisa, don’t worry.”

Lisa nodded and smiled, even if she wanted so much not to. There was something off, or was that just in her mind? 

“Why don’t we get this class over with, and get some ice cream right after?” Jennie gave her a small kiss on the cheek and a huge grin right after. “I’m craving for a double chocolate chip ice cream.”

It does nothing to help with the nervous flutter inside Lisa’s chest, and the weird questioning thoughts inside her mind, but she smiles instead. 

“Sounds like a plan Jen-Jen.” 

* * *

“Hey… you’ve been quiet the whole time, are you fine?”

Lisa wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, Jennie was looking at her with a frown, mid lick, ice cream cone suspended in the air close to her mouth. 

“Yeah.”

“Your ice cream’s melting.” She said matter-of-factly, the frown still there. 

“It is?”

 _Of course it was._ Lisa looked at her ice cream cone dumbly, blinking for a few seconds as the melted ice cream dripped from the cone slathering Lisa’s thumb and hand with a sticky film of milk and sugar. 

“Here, let me get that for you.” 

Jennie pulled her arm closer, and Lisa looked on with hidden amusement as Jennie licked the dripping cream off, tracing the melting ice cream off the sides of the cone before smiling and licking some of it off Lisa’s thumb. 

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” She pulled away, looking at Lisa with her signature smirk. 

“Who says I am?”

“That stupid looking smile on your face, duh?” 

Jennie smiled and it made Lisa smile in turn, she focused on her ice cream cone and Lisa found herself laughing. 

_Maybe, everything was fine?_

Lisa looks at her again and the same fear was back, rising inside her chest and she finds herself having no appetite for ice cream at the moment. 

“Hey Jen?”

“Hmmm…” 

Lisa stays silent for a minute as she studies the way Jennie licked a huge chunk off of the ice cream. 

“Nothing.”

Lisa waits for a second, three seconds, seven… 

“Want to go grab dinner together?” Jennie threw the remainder of her cone into a trash can they passed by, giving Lisa a soft shoulder nudge after.

Lisa nods and looks away. Pretends to be busy with her own ice cream cone as they walked. 

_She didn’t ask. Didn’t even want to know more…_

Lisa pushed the thoughts back. 

“Yeah, sure. I know just the place.”

_Maybe… everything wasn’t._

Jennie nods, and Lisa’s heart clenches. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone wants to listen to the song I was listening to while writing this it's:
> 
> Neptune by Sleeping At Last and Pluto by the same artist. 
> 
> Have a great one guys! :D


	43. Burning Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please dont hate me for the drama these two are having at the moment.

* * *

There is always going to be something inside someone, that... in the majority of their life and being, will stay buried… something they believe should be kept hidden. It works its way into a person’s anatomy, into a person's mind, burying itself that it stays there, unbeknownst even to the person themselves. It’s never wrapped around nor encased in walls. It’s not walls, walls can be… taken down with the right kind of pressure, with the right kind of words, with the right person. Walls will have holes in them, cracks. This one… this one holds onto with as much strength, and sticks like super glue, because … because in time it becomes a part of you and one needs to get rid of themselves to be entirely free of it. 

Lisa thinks about this most back in her early years, when everything seemed bleak and gray but also relatively easy. She’d spend her time inside her own mind and think about stuff that … stuck. Things that made her HER. What made her tick inside, where all the thoughts were coming from. Sometimes she wonders if thinking about stuff this much would blow her little brain up, and she’d have herself a tiny explosion that’ll eventually break her, sooner if not later. 

She still thinks about it, years from now. 

Sometimes she goes through a little journey back to where it all started, back to that make and break point where her mind decided it was best to always be happy and to always find the positive side of things, she just wants to remember... because it could get really, really tiring. She can’t though. Remember. When it started becoming a part of herself. She guesses it started out real slow. Bleeding into her, creeping into her being and slowly rewired her. 

She sits by the shore, it’s going to be sunset soon and the sky was slowly changing into that soft orange and yellow hue that covered everything it touches with the same color. She liked this time best, but you already know that right? When this happens the water looks as if it’s burning -- orange, red and yellow reflected on bluish green. What a paradox, burning water. Isn’t that like looking into what life is? One big walking paradox. This thought makes her smile a bit.

She stretches her legs closer to where the waves kissed the sand, bubbling up in white seafoam before retreating back to the sea. She wiggles her toes as the waves came crashing against her skin and smiled at the way it sort of tickled. Subtly aware she was digging her fingers into the sand that was warm and oddly contrasted with the cold waves. 

“Hey…”

She looks up at a smiling Jennie who crouched to be at level with her.

“Hey…” Lisa’s voice sounded weird, even to her own ears. It sounded… no it felt like someone else. 

“You okay?” Jennie’s voice dipped into that soft tone that should’ve felt warm and tingly. 

Lisa mulls over the question a bit. She was. Okay. What does that word mean -- to be okay? Why was she suddenly overanalyzing the smallest of details? 

“Yeah… yeah I’m fine.” She whispered. 

Jennie sat beside her and nudged her shoulder, taking in a deep breath. Sea water smells great, and Jennie seemed to be taking advantage of that.    


“Lisa… are you … sure? You sound and feel different.” Jennie looked away, suddenly taking an interest in a small broken conch shell she picked up from the sand, brows furrowing. 

“Uhuh.” 

That’s all she gives away at this point. She doesn’t even understand it herself. She knows she was ten steps back from what she was at first, during the emails and even during the time she found out J and Jennie were the same. 

Was this bad? Maybe? Does this have anything to do with Jennie? No, that much she was sure. Whatever this was ...was her, all her and never of Jennie. 

Jennie doesn’t answer nor pry further. Just nodded in understanding -- because maybe she did. Understand. Lisa figures that she might have felt the same way at one point in her life. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jennie threw the broken shell over to the water and they both watch as it skipped on the surface once before being eaten up in the waves and probably be washed up ashore again at some point. 

“Talk about what?” 

“Nothing…” Jennie inched closer and rested her head on Lisa’s shoulder. It wasn’t that intimate of an action but it made both of them smile. 

Lisa likes it best when everything seemed simple and easy. Like this. 

“Do you ever wonder what the sun feels like” Jennie said in between breaths, it was more than a whisper, Lisa had to tilt her head closer, to hear it against the sound of waves and the rustle of the sea breeze. 

“The sun?”

“Yeah, how it just… makes everything light up and warm and all that without getting anything in return?” 

Lisa thinks about the question real hard, wanting to come up with a profound answer, something philosophical. Jennie finds her hand in the sand and intertwined their fingers. This makes her falter a bit. 

“Why would you want to know?”  _ Lisa was just … you know, really, genuinely curious about it.  _

“I think it gets lonely, doing all that without anything in return. Imagine how… tiring it would be?” 

Jennie’s words get lost into the open space around them. 

“I… I think the sun gets tired, yeah.” 

“You're good with feelings… what do you think runs inside her mind?” Jennie takes both of their joined hands and rests it on her thighs, they were both wearing jeans but that was irrelevant at this point, except for the fact that the ends were thoroughly soaked with salt water and would probably smell like the sea when it dries up.

“Hmmmm... I … I don’t know Jen-Jen.” Lisa answered simply. 

Jennie laughed, hers sounded unreserved, more free-flowing against the breeze. It was getting colder now, as the sun dipped into the horizon and gave way to midnight blue. Jennie’s hand and warmth was enough to make her want to keep on sitting there though. 

“Come on, any ideas...no?” 

“I don’t know why we’re sitting here figuring out how the sun feels for being… well, the sun?” Lisa couldn’t help it, the exasperation in her voice was too evident.

“What do you think the moon feels?” There was a hitch in Jennie’s voice that was too quick for Lisa to identify.

She detached herself from Lisa and Lisa wanted to hug her back and tell her to come back. Instead she sat there, staring at the night sky and drawing senseless pictures by tracing the stars with her eyes. Jennie did the same, silently, both of them. 

Lisa looked at her, and for a moment forgets where they were. She was looking up at the sky with a crease on her forehead, and a small scowl on her lips that made it look it was set in stone. She looked worried and sad, and Lisa finds it hard to take her eyes away. 

“I guess you're right Lisa... the sun does get tired. Maybe that’s why some days have longer nights.To rest and all that." Jennie laughed, and something about it felt bittersweet. 

She looked back and Lisa sees something else in her eyes. It was too dark though to even tell what it was. 

The silence dragged on far longer than she had hoped, she wanted to answer back, say something to dispute the silly idea running in her mind but Jennie has a point, in a way? Isn’t that kind of like what human nature is? 

“It’s getting late, we should head back.” Jennie tries to stand but Lisa’s hands shoot up to pull her in a hug. The kind that made you go “ooomf” because the wind gets knocked out of you. 

“Why are you asking all these questions Jen-Jen?” Lisa whispers against her hair, lavender mixed with the saltiness of the sea. 

“I … don’t know.” 

Lisa wanted to push, and try and get her to answer because she wanted to know so much too. Just because she doesn’t have the answers herself. 

Jennie pushes her away softly, enough to put a safe amount of distance between them. Enough for Jennie to reach up and kiss her quickly on the lips before adding in a whisper. “You know… I think… the sun does what it does because she cares too much and it’s only a matter of time before she gets tired of it all and starts crashing y’know?” a sudden realization that needed to be said aloud. “You know how it all builds up inside? All that giving and giving, hoping that the same thing’s given back but it’s not? Because every little thing’s different from everything and it’s going to hurt in the end to expect the same thing when it’s quite impossible?” 

Lisa’s breath hitches and she lets out a sound in between a whine and a groan. It feels like Jennie was reading her mind and she felt too… naked. 

“Wha… what do you mean?” 

“Aren’t you tired? Of not getting the same thing?” Jennie’s answer was a question Lisa doesn’t want to answer right now. 

“The sun?” 

“No Lisa. You. We both know I was referring to you.” 

The moonlight cast long shadows on her face and she looked even sadder with the pale white streaks on her face and how she was biting on her lower lip and looked at anything other than Lisa.

“Why would you say that?” 

“Doesn’t matter why, it’s the truth anyway. Right?” 

“No… no it isn’t” 

“How so?”

Lisa doesn’t want to answer because she honestly doesn’t know how. It was yes, tiring and also no not tiring. It was hard to put to words two contradicting things she desperately wants together into one thing, that was simple and can be understood.

“Jen…” 

“You know what? Don’t answer that. Let’s go, we’ll both catch a cold if we don’t leave soon.” 

Jennie stands up and holds her hand out to Lisa who takes it feebly. They walk side by side, with little distance between them, Lisa carried their shoes just long enough until they were out of the beach and into the asphalt road.

Jennie gave her a huge smile and another quick kiss on the cheeks. “Don’t be bothered too much by my questions. They were asked out of… plain curiosity that's all.” Her voice was soothing, calming in a way. 

Lisa nods as she helps Jennie into her sneakers and works on her own after. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” She had one eyebrow up and a playful smile.

“Of course.” Lisa whispered to the space between them before leaning into giving her a deep kiss which leaves a weird feeling in her chest.

“Great.” 

“Yeah.” 

Jennie continues on walking, the beach was real close to her apartment and it seemed like a waste to call for a cab when they can enjoy the moonlight together. 

They both stayed in what Lisa hoped to be a comfortable silence before she walked her to her door and kissed her goodnight. 

“Goodnight.”

Jennie nodded, smiled before she went inside and Lisa stood there with a headache. 

* * *

**To:** [ **MRJK@nomail.com** **  
** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com) **CC:** **  
****BCC:** **  
** **SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**Hey,**

**Jen-Jen you little sneak :D. You’re beginning to see the chinks in my armor that I couldn’t, it seems? Tell me then where does the me end and the feelings start? Or are they blurred together in the middle?**

**I can’t answer your question without agreeing and I don't want to. Because I honestly know it’s both yes and no. Tiring, very much so. I long for the same thing I give out, it’s human nature to feel that way and at the same time no, I'm not tired because it’s you and I know and understand that no one can give back the same thing. How do I say that without mixing them up and avoiding the possibility of messing up? How do I compromise between the two?**

**Fuck, okay. Look … I don’t care if you don’t give me back the same thing. It’s never like that right? Remember that email I sent? Asking if you’ve ever allowed yourself to receive what the other person is willing to give? That… that’s my answer and will always be my answer.**

**I’m sorry if Im coming off as distant and tired and all sorts of wrong right now… I just… I don’t know how to, how to act around you because it’s that dilemma you see? I care too much and I fear Im suffocating you with it. Aren’t you tired of me? Don’t you find me selfish? I’ve forced my “I love you” on you it’s obviously making you uncomfortable. God why am I liek this? I shoudlnt be lkie this. Im sorry. I’ll talk to you soon and tell you ecverything right now… right now let me sort things out. I’m running off a tangent hrer and obviosulay the typo’sare a dead giveaway. Jennie I’m sorry, somethign just came up and I need to figure my shit out. I love you.**

**All my love,**

**Lisa.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Lisa's a bit of a ... I dont know.. i feel like I want to shake some sense into her lol


	44. A Taste of Her Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Links to the songs in this chapter (I liked these covers)
> 
> https://youtu.be/XZBB6s1pQBg or https://youtu.be/ckEUuHooi6U
> 
> https://youtu.be/tyoAsprwDRc

_ “I never knew you played the guitar…” _

_ “Well, now you do.” She smiled and it was enough to make the dimly lit room glow. _

* * *

Lisa dragged her feet as she walked. Staying up late at night trying to figure out or at least trying to put some logic into her thoughts was the worst decision she ever made this year. It was hard enough trying to sort through every little thing that entered her mind; her overwhelming, ever-choking, not-making-any-sense-at-all feelings made it even harder. She’d gone through her playlist (made especially for this kind of occasion) thrice before sleep took over. Her waking up to her screaming phone; and seeing the glaring notification that she has missed 29 calls from Hoshi, was the proverbial icing on top to her morning (all in jest, of course), not to mention the pounding headache from lack of sleep. 

_ “Where are you?!” It was a rare occurrence for Hoshi to get upset and right now he was beyond distraught.  _

_ “I… I’m on my way.” Lisa scrambled out of bed, throwing the blankets away that tangled with the pillows and her own body, jumping on the floor to sprint to the bathroom where she almost tripped on her slippers and meeting face to face with the floor.  _

_ “Your nine am class is rescheduled…” Lisa barely heard him against the sound of running water. She placed Hoshi on mute as she brushed her teeth. The silence must’ve been longer than what she had hoped for. The line crackled with Hoshi clearing his throat, not a single trace of frustration in his voice. “Lisa, are you fine?”  _

_ “Yeash..” She bit into the toothbrush to keep it from falling from her mouth as she looked for painkillers inside her medicine cabinet.  _

_ “Look, you can always take the day off. I’ll have someone else sub the class for you.” his voice was laced with a worry that made Lisa more guilty.  _

_ She spit the toothpaste into the sink and rinsed her mouth quickly. “I’m fine. Just wasn’t able to hear my alarm go off.” (that was partly the truth anyway) _

_ “Okay…” The way Hoshi dragged the “a” made Lisa think that he knows something’s up but was too polite to ask further. “Well then, you take care.”  _

_ “Uhuh.” _

_ The line went dead and Lisa glared at her own reflection.  _

Lisa stopped right in front of the door, breathing deeply to try and calm her nerves before opening the door with a smile on her face.

“Hey Liz!” Jisoo waved at her from the end of the room as she stretched, a smiling Chaeyoung was helping her. 

“Hey Chu, Chaeng.” nodding at both, but most of her mind on her missing, small, sulky girlfriend. “Have you guys… uhmmm… seen Jennie?” 

Jisoo was eyeing her weirdly and Chaeyoung’s smile faltered. 

“She… she uh, hasn’t called you or texted you?” 

“No, she hasn’t said anything.” 

Chaeyoung and Jisoo exchanged glances before Chaeyoung spoke up. 

“She hasn’t called us either…”

The silence that followed was far too loud, a certain ringing in the ears that didn’t go away but increased in intensity, making Lisa squirm as it deepened. Jisoo looked at Chaeyoung who was obviously trying her best to come up with something to say and, try and ease the visible disappointment in Lisa’s face. 

“Maybe… something came up…” Chaeyoung whispered.

“Even so, she should’ve texted or something.” 

Chaeyoung dug her elbows deep into Jisoo’s side, subtly but not as subtle as she thought it would be, it made Lisa wince and feel cold all over. 

“I … I guess there’s an emergency she needed to get to, yeah.” Jisoo scrambled to try and make things light. 

“I don’t think you should talk right now babe…” Chaeyoung glared before walking a couple of steps closer to where Lisa stood, “She’s going to be alright Lis, Jennie does this sometimes. Disappear for a day or so and then come back like nothing happened.” her voice trailed off, slower and softer the more Lisa’s brow furrowed. 

“She should’ve let me know though, I mean… I am..” 

“Why don’t you take the afternoon off? We won’t tell Hoshi. Go grab some fresh air and avoid thinking about it too much?” Jisoo chimed in.

“Yeah. Why don’t you do that. A day off practice wouldn’t hurt.” Chaeyoung smiled and gave her a quick pat on the shoulder, something quick enough that Lisa found it comforting. 

She gave both of them another curt nod before turning on her heels and almost running out the door. 

_ Everything seemed to be going downhill.  _

* * *

_ He’s different… kind, gentle, and everything good and nice in between, but…. He was different. He did not have that boisterous laugh that echoed throughout the house and sometimes made the window panes shake, he did not have that knowing look for when she was up to no good and her mother was going through a tirade of what’s wrong and what she thinks is right. He did not have that smile, that drooped in one corner and made him look like a thirteen year old boy. That weird walk where he’d sloppily transfer weight from one foot to another.  _

_ He’s different. _

_ Kinder _

_ Gentler… _

_ Lisa kept telling herself that, some nights… even most nights when she’d wake up from thoughts or never sleeping from the same thoughts.  _

_ He’s different… cause he stayed.  _

_ She’ll never know why, never knew why he had to do what he had to do, because all he ever said was sorry. And the thing about sorry’s is that it’s a good band-aid for when the pain gets too unbearable most days… but that’s all it’ll ever be; a band-aid. If she knew why then maybe she’d understand, if she understood maybe she’d accept the fact, and if she accepted it she would’ve moved on.  _

_ But he didn’t and will never. _

_ So Lisa buries it deep and smiles instead. Because forgetting is better than feeling.  _

* * *

The building was built in a way where hallways and corridors opened up to more hallways and corridors and this gave off a maze-like structure that Lisa had trouble familiarizing herself with. She’d been holding her breaths far longer than usual and the way her thoughts didn’t make sense now was making it difficult for her to find her way back. She’d been walking without never really knowing where to go and she took far too many turns she didn’t know where she was. 

She kept looking ahead at the glowing “Fire Exit” sign down the end of the hallway. She stumble a bit but her gaze would be fixed head on, never really wavering. Why? She doesn’t know, thinks it’s stupid to have a reason behind everything. Can’t she just look at the sign because… she likes looking at the sign? The way the neon green looked paler from afar and more… moss-like the nearer you’d get. 

The dance rooms all looked the same outside, a washed-off white door that had brass plaques with numbers and a corresponding letter paired up. Lisa thinks it’s a stupid way of labeling rooms. It doesn’t make sense 2-C, 5-P, didn’t have a structure to begin with. What good would it do to someone lost… that someone being her? 

She was probably too messed up, she heard soft guitar sounds, or maybe the building’s haunted? She chuckled -- that’s a weird conclusion, far-fetched yeah but also quite possible. She slows down her pace as the strumming gets louder and louder. 

_ 9-R  _

That’s where the sound is coming from… not far from the end of the corridor. From a room that looked familiar…  _ of course it did -- same design and all. _

The melody sounded familiar… felt familiar and the humming... The humming was relaxing. Lisa walked towards the closed door and found herself looking at the doorknob as the music flowed. Turning it slowly and seeing that the lights were closed off and the flow of the melody to become more pronounced against the stiffness of the darkness. 

She stood there, frozen, jaw slacked and eyes wide. 

_ Not the prettiest of scenes but then when one’s surprised it’s hard to keep one’s poise. Why she had to explain that was beyond her too. _

“Lisa?!” Jennie was sitting cross-legged on the floor, a guitar nestled on the crook of her legs. “What… what are you doing here?”

“I never knew you could play the guitar…” Lisa’s voice was small, but it echoed out in the room. It made no sense to her why she blurted out something that was quite obvious for someone who could’ve thought about it a bit more. 

“Well, now you do.” She smiled and it was enough to make the dimly lit room glow.

Lisa smiled back, cause it was infectious and her heart fluttered and it made her forget she was supposed to be sad and confused. She walked slowly, closer, small steps that felt lighter to her. 

“You… didn’t tell me you weren’t coming to class.” Lisa found her voice again and the thoughts were beginning to make sense. 

“I was about to, I got too… absorbed.” Jennie looked away and strummed a chord before looking back up at Lisa, holding her gaze which was something that didn’t happen far too often.

“You… you could’ve told me, I thought...you were mad or I did something wrong or something..” Lisa hated this, talking about what she feels, what she really thinks inside. “I couldn’t sleep last night and I’m not feeling all too well, and Hoshi got mad… and, and, you weren’t there and you didn’t tell me and I thought…”

“Hey, hey… no… I didn’t mean to…” Jennie half stood up but Lisa took a step back, and so she stayed where she was and didn’t move. “I came here earlier and this part of the building kind of… feels like a vacuum and I lost track of time and I forgot to, and I’m supid I know…” 

Lisa listened, that’s what she’s good at; listening. 

“You are…” 

Jennie did a double take and her mouth fell. “I… I am?”

“Yes… if you needed time away from me… tell me, if you wanted to be alone -- tell me, I’d understand. Don’t go around leaving me in the dark and not telling me why and not --” Lisa stopped herself, she could hear the anger seeping into each word deeper and deeper and if she continued to, she might say things that wasn’t her. 

“It’s not like that! I was… “ Jennie stood up, red creeping to tinge her ears, “I was working on something. I would never… Why, why would you think that?”

Lisa winced, she knew Jennie was hurt… could hear it plainly in her voice, didn’t even try to mask it this time. 

_ Because everyone seems to be doing so!  _

She wanted to scream but held back, instead she looked back at Jennie. 

“Lisa… I was… can you sit down? Here? With me?” 

She held out her hand. Lisa hesitated and Jennie’s eyes spoke volumes, waves of apologies that were left unsaid between them that pulled Lisa towards her making her sit down in front of her, Jennie doing the same. 

“I was working on a gift for you…” Jennie whispered.

“A what?”

“A gift…” Jennie smiled and tried reaching out for Lisa’s hand where it silently longed for the warmth. “I was never really good at sorting out everything inside… and … there is a shit ton of weird lame emotions that makes it even harder… so … urgh can I just get to it instead of explaining it and all? I’m rambling and I never ramble and this is going to be awkward because I haven’t played the guitar in a while and I think my voice sucks too and…”

Lisa leans in to give her a kiss and Jennie calms down long enough for Lisa to pull back and give her a sad smile. Hoping it was enough to tell her she’s sorry and that she was being a douche for thinking all sorts of things about Jennie. 

“Oh…” 

“Why don’t you play it, yeah. I’m sure it’ll be lovely.” 

Jennie nods and bites her lip nervously before concentrating on the fretboard where her fingers were pushing on the strings. 

“So yeah, everytime I hear this song I think of you and I ...just want to let you know.... That this …”

“Jen…”

“Right… Right... “

She smiled at Lisa again, the kind that made her look childlike and more open than she used to be. 

_ The other night dear, as I lay sleeping _

_ I dreamed I held you in my arms _

_ But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken _

_ So I hung my head and I cried _

Jennie kept eye contact, the same easy smile on her lips and her husky voice flowing, filling the room with a sense of calm that made Lisa think of spring and a kind of longing that came with Autumn. 

_ You are my sunshine, my only sunshine _

Lisa feels her heartbeat, feels it more than she normally does, each note making the butterflies flutter inside and making the thud-thuds more pronounced. 

_ You make me happy when skies are gray _

Jennie chuckled, and it made Lisa smile, the heaviness inside her falling away slowly… bit by bit. 

_ You'll never know dear, how much I love you _

Lisa froze...

_ Please don't take my sunshine away _

Jennie leaned and kissed her on the cheeks, pulling away with a huge grin on her face. 

_ I'll always love you and make you happy _

_ If you will only say the same _

Jennie shakes her head in embarrassment as she missed a chord as she strummed, fumbling a bit before stealing a glance at Lisa who was close to tears and chuckling at the silly way Lisa’s smile looked more crooked than usual.

_ But if you leave me and love another _

_ You'll regret it all some day _

Lisa can’t help but laugh at the way Jennie scrunched her nose and faked being mad, turning her head away and rolling her eyes as she said “regret it all”. 

She stops strumming midway and clears her throat.

“The next lyrics are kind of not … applicable so let me sing another one instead?” 

Lisa nods a little too enthusiastically at this point making Jennie laugh.

“You’re enjoying this huh?”

“I love it, yes.”

“And me? Do you love me?” 

There was a brief pause before Lisa found her voice again. “Yeah…. Yeah I do.”

“Even if I’m… too much to work with sometimes?”

Lisa nods

“Good.”

She looks back at the fretboard, but this time with a much bigger relaxed smile on her face. 

_ Wise men say only fools rush in _

Jennie looks back at her and smiles fondly.

_ But I can't help falling in love with you _

Lisa hitches her breath and finds everything inside her swirling. The song and the looks, the smiles and the voice and the sweet sounding guitar was making her swoon.

_ Oh, shall I stay, would it be a sin _

_ Oh, if I can't help falling in love with you? _

Lisa rocks back and forth a bit, closing her eyes and allowing herself to feel the music and to enjoy the stirring in her heart. 

_ Like a river flows, surely to the sea _

_ Darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be _

Jennie drags the last word, scooting closer to Lisa who was in her own little world. 

_ Take my hand, take my whole life too _

_ Oh, for I can't help falling in love with you… _

Lisa can’t help the chuckle bubbling inside her, opening her eyes to Jennie who was looking at her with a soft expression.

“Will this… do for now?” Jennie’s voice was soft, but Lisa heard the slight shake.

“Hmmm?”

“I’ll say them back to you one day Lisa… I will.. Just give me time.”

Lisa leans in before even thinking about it, pushing against the guitar between them as she kissed Jennie deeply, as if she wanted a taste of her soul. An invisible current running between them against the uncomfortable cold surface of the guitar.

“Can you sing another one for me?” Lisa said in between breaths as she pulled away, looking into Jennie’s eyes that said; yes. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took way longer to have this update posted, been going through a lot lately and didn't have the time to work on the chapter as much as I wanted to. I hope this makes up for it? I might have another one posted tomorrow or later. 
> 
> Happy New Year!


	45. Filtering Sunlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted them to dance to this: 
> 
> https://youtu.be/AXupa6hEDYk

_“Dance with me?”_

_“Here? Without music?”_

_“We don’t need music to dance.”_

* * *

Her eyes were a muted brown, dulled to look more black, and blended with the suffocating darkness of the room. Jennie kept her gaze on her, unmoving, trying to read behind what she knows to be a false sense of calm in Lisa’s eyes. Something stirred, when she asked her to sing another song. Jennie knows, despite not being good with reading emotions. She doesn’t even know why and how that was possible to begin with, but she knows. Something was there and she wanted to know what.

“Are you okay?” Her question was nothing more but a release of breath, that got lost in the space between them.

“Hmmm?” Lisa pulled back a bit to focus her gaze on the brown guitar that Jennie held in her hand. 

“Are you okay?” She asked again, this time a little louder. 

She reached out and held the ends of Lisa’s shirt, pinching the fabric in between her thumb and index finger rather hard the tips were beginning to turn red. The silence was becoming uncomfortable the longer the seconds went by, and she hated it. She pulled on the shirt, silently wanting Lisa to come closer and take back the distance they created. 

“I’m fine…”

She could hear the white lie. 

“No, you’re not.” 

“Really Jennie, it’s nothing. Where’s the other song?” Lisa held Jennie’s hand, encasing it with a warmth that made the believing easier. For a brief second Jennie did, believe… if not for the worn out way she said the words that fell heavily one after another. 

She knew it was not “nothing”, she was certain that there was something there. Beneath the easy smile that made Jennie smile back. She didn’t push, not really wanting Lisa to feel uncomfortable.

“Any requests?” She grinned. _That should make things light, right?_

“Anything… you have a beautiful voice.” 

There it was again, nothing too noticeable. It was more like a slight nuance in her tone, a muted sadness that mirrored her eyes. 

“I thought that was established when we sang at that diner?” chuckling to help her calm down, calm enough to focus on Lisa and not on her thoughts. 

“It was, but I don’t remember praising you as much about it then? Or did I?” Lisa smiled, closing the distance, still holding on to Jennie’s hand. She pulled her, guiding her towards the end of the room where it was darker.

“Shouldn’t we turn on the lights?” 

The question was left unanswered, as Lisa sat on the floor and pulled on Jennie’s hand, motioning her to do the same. 

Jennie did, crossing her legs and cradling the guitar. She settled, leaning against the equally cold wall and running her fingers against the metal strings that vibrated and made off-key tunes that filled every bit of space in between the silence around them. 

Lisa scooted closer, she can tell from the warmth, and the way her clothes made that scuffling sound against the polished wood floor. Lisa’s warmth was inviting, driving away the cold that came with the darkness. 

Jennie wasn’t looking at Lisa though, but instead focused on a spot right across them where the walls looked more bleak, her brows furrowed over the weird sensations she felt on her thumb from the top, thicker strings which felt rougher. 

"Play the first song that ever comes to your mind Jen Jen, the first song you think of right now. With nothing between us but the music and your voice and the silence that comes right after." 

Lisa had a far away tone in her voice. Too far into whatever it is she was thinking of that made her words sound distant, but yet...at the same time, too close. Too close, Jennie could smell her shampoo as she rested her head on Jennie's shoulder. She smelled like Spring, that first bloom that marks the season, and fresh air. The simple action made Jennie smile, she liked it when Lisa does something like that. It gives her a certain sense of importance… that she could, in her own way, give back the same sense of comfort Lisa gave her when she was tired with the world and with herself.

_The first thing that comes to mind…_

She doesn't say anything in return. She doesn't have to. 

At first Jennie doesn't move. She sat there, fingers above the strings and back still against the wall. She allows her left shoulder to droop a bit, it was subtle, enough to make sure Lisa was comfortable with her position; head on Jennie's shoulder. For people watching ...it was probably unnoticeable, but her left shoulder fell just below her right. 

She took deep, relaxed breaths and strummed the first chord. 

She feels Lisa's arms around her waist, pulling her closer and holding her in place. Jennie likes to think she did this because she was afraid Jennie might run off to somewhere (no matter how incredibly impossible this could be). The warmth was beginning to take over and she could barely feel any tinge of coldness around her.

She was just strumming at this point, humming a tune along with the guitar. It must've been a while because Lisa's arms around her loosened and her head lay a little too heavily. 

"Lisa?"

"Yeah?" 

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

She said it so matter of factly, she surprised herself with the frankness of it all. Not that she wasn’t frank, she was... but not with this. Not with someone that meant so much and with something that was so, intimate, for lack of a more appropriate word. This opened doors to what she fears to be something that should be kept inside for now, what that _is,_ she’s still figuring out. But she knows it’s there, feels it through the usual warmth that existed between them.

Lisa doesn’t answer and the more she doesn’t, the more Jennie’s strumming becomes erratic. By now, she wasn’t really playing any song in particular, her fingers going through random notes on the fret board and a steady down-down-up-up-down rhythm on the strings. 

“Do you… think there’s something wrong?” Lisa’s answer comes in the form of a whisper, tying in with a soft D-chord that ended sounding rather flat.

“I don’t really know, sometimes I think there is… when that usual brightness inside you comes off as dull, like someone covered my eyes with their palm to filter sunlight, and then when I think I know that there is, the usual brightness is back…” Jennie stopped strumming for a bit, before continuing her made-up melody. 

“And what if there was?” 

She stops mid-strum, the silence between them making its presence known. 

_What if there was? … She hasn’t really thought about that…_

“I… we…”

“And what if there isn’t?” Lisa adds in a little too hastily. 

“It doesn’t matter…” She feels Lisa bristle at the statement and Jennie winces at the thought of how insensitive that might have come across, “I meant, it doesn’t matter if there is or isn’t. You’d tell me either way … right? And we’ll figure it out.. Whatever it is or isn’t or...” she’s basically rambling in a hushed panic now.

“Jen… don’t worry.” Lisa pulls away at this point, and Jennie regrets asking so much she resisted the urge to whine and plead she comes back to rest her head on her shoulder, the scent and the warmth… “Everything’s fine.”

“Then why do I have a feeling you’re lying to me about that?”

There it was again, the frankness… She steals a glance at Lisa’s face to try and see if the question hits home, but sees nothing but that calm in her face. It was sending little flutters into her chest. Not the good kind, not the one she gets when they kiss or when their fingers would subtly brush against each other without meaning to. This was the kind that made her go through all sorts of thoughts. She was looking at what seemed to be the same spot on the wall Jennie was so transfixed with a couple of moments back. Jennie looks a little more closely and the realization hits her.

_She’s not calm, she’s hiding behind a blank expression._

The look in her eyes, the look was all it took. She wasn’t seeing anything at all around her. It was a look that was more inward in a way, the kind that gives off an Im-not-here-but-inside-my-head. She had a certain tilt to her head and a small portion of her forehead was visible. 

Jennie bites into the inside of her cheeks rather hard, tasting blood. 

“I don’t really know what your definition of fine is Lisa… I really don’t, and it sucks because I have a gut feeling something’s bothering you but you won’t tell me…” Jennie lays it out in the open, and looks away. Not really wanting to know what Lisa’s reaction would be, so she focuses her gaze on the way Lisa’s jeans pooled at the end, creases that folded and created little craters. “You don’t have to now, if you’re not… ready. But you’ll tell me though, right? When you are?” 

She feels Lisa’s lips on her cheeks and her breath on her ear. “I promise.” 

She nods to say she understands, she has to. 

“Dance with me.” 

Jennie feels the smile on her face, and Lisa smiles in turn. 

“Here? Without music?” Jennie chuckled at Lisa's question, since when did a dancer ever questioned an opportunity to dance?

Jennie met her gaze and finds herself drawn into the swirls of brown that made her see past the what-if’s of the moment and the hidden questions that pooled, pulling her closer and closer until her lips was on Lisa’s and the same innocent smile on her own mirroring the one who made her see past everything that was blurred and hazy. 

“We don’t need music to dance.” She whispered as she pulled back from the kiss. “Come, let me show you.” She stands up and brushes off dust off her jeans. She rests the guitar against the wall and offers both of her hands towards Lisa who took it without a question. 

“And I thought I was the dance instructor here?” her laugh felt nice, felt warm and cool at the same time. 

“You’re lame, we both know that.” A laugh bubbled out, and she looks at Lisa with what she hopes to be a look that says but-you’re-my-lameass in a fond kind of way. 

“Well… dear dance instructor, may I have this dance?” Jennie placed extra flair in the bow and wiggled her eyebrows. 

“I wouldn’t have it with anyone else.” Jennie’s heart skips a beat at the soft smile on Lisa’s face.

“There’s no one else around, so I’m not sure that matters…” 

“I thought you were being sweet to me today?” 

Jennie laughs at the adorable way Lisa stuck her bottom lip out. She offers her hand and Lisa makes a grand gesture of taking it in her own, pulling Jennie closer and gently resting her other hand on her waist. 

“No… not this time Manoban.”

Jennie takes Lisa’s hand away and places it on her shoulder, smirking. 

“This time I lead, yeah?”

She does the same with Lisa, hands placed gently on her waist as she starts to sway. They probably looked awkward despite being very good dancers. Swaying in the dark room, the light taps against the hardwood floor the only music that mixed with the silence. It made Jennie smile even more, there were barely any shadows from the lack of light that it looked like they were one against the faded one on the floor. 

She hummed a little tune, which made Lisa chuckle. 

“Are you enjoying so far?” 

Lisa leans closer, forehead against Jennie’s as she closed her eyes to nod.

“More than I’ve ever had, and I’ve danced ever since I was little.” 

She doesn’t know why, but Lisa always knew what to say. Always knew how to make her feel things that made her all light and warm, and fuzzy inside. She wonders if she makes her feel the same way? Made her feel so light in her feet and light in the chest. 

Jennie plants a soft kiss on Lisa’s lips, “Lisa?”

“Yeah?”

“Meet me at your special place tomorrow at 6 in the evening…”

The look of surprise on her face was enough to make Jennie laugh. 

“I want to show you something…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and are having the time of their lives. Enjoy and take care. :)


	46. You Don't Have to Be so Awkward About It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/CzwsbyzOUvY
> 
> And
> 
> https://youtu.be/sTeyHHGOSsA
> 
> If anyone wants to set a tone to uhmm the chaoter even though I suck at choosing songs for chapters lol.

_ It’s the vastness; she knows, and sometimes if she thinks about it the more it’s the idea of infinite space hidden underneath that tugs at her. She looks and sees the silent shifts and the thought that everything has a way of settling down and inevitably changing. Lisa sees her honeyed eyes looking more golden from the orange hue of the campfire’s embers shift to an endless pool of blackened brown and the muted “I understand” is all it takes for Lisa to smile back and whisper, “I’m not fine.”  _

* * *

* * *

Lisa receives the email, a little past four when she was feeding Leo. It’s been awhile since she last received one and the sound of her phone notification was a welcome intrusion to her usual afternoon routine. It was something she’d happily admit she was missing these past few days. 

**HEY :)** **  
** [ **MRJK@nomail.com** **  
** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com) **03/13/2017 4:22PM** **  
** **TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**L** **  
** **  
** **Hey, you.**

**It’s been a while since we did this? (let’s be honest a week or two at most). I miss it in a way (mention this and Istg I will sulk).** **  
** **Anyhow. SIX. 6 o’clock. DONT. BE. LATE.**

**J**

Lisa laughs at the content of the email, scaring Leo who hissed at the sudden outburst, causing her to laugh even more. 

**To:** [ **MRJK@nomail.com** **  
** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com) **CC:** **  
** **BCC:** **  
** **SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**I’ll try :P.**

**L**

The response was immediate, and Lisa tried not to fall off from her sofa from laughing. 

**HEY :)** **  
** [ **MRJK@nomail.com** **  
** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com) **03/13/2017 4:28PM** **  
** **TO:** **LalalaM@nomail.com**

**L** **  
** **  
** **LAALISAAAAA MANOOOBAAAN NOOOOO! >:/ **

**YOU WILL COME ON TIME OR I WILL NOT TALK TO YOU FOR A DAY, I SWEAR…**

***just try to come on time, please? imissyoumuch***

**J**

**To:** [ **MRJK@nomail.com** **  
** ](mailto:MRJK@nomail.com) **CC:** **  
** **BCC:** **  
** **SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)**

**J,**

**Okay… okay… hahaha how could I resist you? I’ll be there, I promise.**

**L**

* * *

She stood there against a canopy of stars, and violet streaks of clouds that streamed through like brushstrokes against a dark, heavy black canvas. It’s breathtaking, Lisa admits, despite hating the way most of it dulled the shine from Jennie’s hair, and casting more shadows on her face masking most of the soft smile that made Lisa's heart flutter. It was breathtaking and it gave Lisa that certain spring in her step as she walked closer, wanting to capture the moment and keeping it locked up in her memory.  _ For dark days,  _ she thinks to herself,  _ to drive away the sadness. _

She had her arms crossed, and Lisa could hear the silent thoughts running inside Jennie's mind… the  _ what took you so long? I thought you said you'd be here on time?...  _

“You’re  _ finally _ here.” Lisa laughs at this, finding the hitch in her voice cute and the frown on her face even more adorable.

“Hey, you say that as if I'm  _ late _ …” the city skyline with the blinking lights and the dark skyscrapers cut through the night sky, mirroring the stars. And even though it called out to her, Lisa finds herself drawn to Jennie.

_ She'll always be drawn to Jennie. _

She rolled her eyes and impatiently glanced at her watch, Lisa knew it was more for show, she could see the smile hidden behind the scowl, knew the slight nuance in her smirk was her trying to keep herself from smiling.  _ Lisa knows... _ "You should get into acting…" chuckling as she drew her in a tight embrace, kissing her briefly on the forehead. "You'd win an Oscar without breaking a sweat." 

"Yeah right..." Jennie whispered against her shoulder, the warm breath against Lisa's neck made her shiver. "I wanted to show you something."

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." 

Jennie pulled away, taking Lisa's hand in hers as they walked deeper into the clearing where she felt more at home. They walk past trees and moonlight seeping in between leaves that danced against the forest floor. 

"Can you wear this?" Jennie stops midway and turns to her with a smile, holding out a red scarf that she took from a tree branch. "I want it to be a surprise…" 

Lisa says nothing except nods. She wasn't fazed, knowing how much she trusts Jennie was enough to make her close her eyes and allow her girlfriend to stand on her toes and tie the scarf around her head. 

"There…" she hears the breathlessness in Jennie's voice and for some reason unknown to her, the mischief that hides beneath her soft chuckle too. 

"This isn't a prank though right? I have a weird feeling you're doing this to get back at me over that Balut thing…" 

Jennie's laugh made her grin. It echoed out into the night, out into the trees that rustled their leaves in agreement;  _ she's beautiful _ .

"Nah, that's for some other time Manoban… thanks for reminding me." 

Lisa feels Jennie's warm hands envelop her own and the soft tug that follows. They walk slowly, Jennie whispering instructions softly as if saying them out loud might make Lisa trip or fall. 

"There's a huge rock to your left, no! Step over to your left, your left Lisa not mine... There… that's it." 

Lisa listens closely and does what she's told.  _ Step here, walk over that, stop, okay...walk. _

The darkness made everything more pronounced; the sounds, the feeling, and even the scent of moist leaves, twilight and Jennie's perfume that mixed with the cold night breeze that wafted in every once in a while. Calmly taking in each sensation that it brings. The warmth of Jennie's hands, Jennie's even breathing that sounded heavier from the walk, and the growing flutters in the pit of her stomach that wanted to escape. 

She feels Jennie stop in front of her and she does the same. The silence that follows tells her they've arrived to wherever and whatever Jennie has planned for them for the night. 

"We're here… no! Don't take it off yet, I wanted to give you a fair warning ahead of time that I suck at this--"

Jennie's words came out in a rush, a tendency she has whenever she's rambling or nervous… or in this case, both. 

"Jen… you don't suck at anything…"

"Yeah, well… you're just biased and all, not that I hate that, it's just … arghh… I mean, I worked hard on this and I know that you'll like it. You always do when it's me, which is not at all weird, just I don't know ...you being sweet. But I want you to be honest with me and tell me what you think of it, okay?"

Lisa nods.

"I mean it Lisa… I won't sulk or get mad or anything of that sort…"

Lisa squeezes Jennie's hand in assurance, a light way of saying  _ I get it, you don't have to be so awkward or embarrassed about it.  _

"I promise Jen."

"Okay… before that though… do you uhh… have any idea what I have here?" 

She thinks about it, long and hard. Withholding a  _ maybe _ . She tries to tune out everything and focuses on the external cues. Lisa hears a slight crackling sound in the not so distant, a certain warmth that didn't feel like… Jennie, this one was more there, more insistent in making its presence known. 

"Uhhh… I have no idea…" 

She feels Jennie's lips on her, tasting like apples and peaches and making Lisa think of picnics at parks. Her soft fingers traced a line on Lisa's cheek, slowly from beneath her right eye down to the corners of her lips before rushing to bury them in Lisa's hair and drawing her deeper into the kiss. 

"Did I… did I give the right answer?" She couldn't think of something useful to say, not when the kiss was breathtakingly sweet.

"Far from it silly." 

Jennie whispered, her fingers working on untying the knot. Lisa could feel her warm, steady breaths against her lips, making her lean just a bit. Planting a quick soft one, out into the darkness that was still there and smiling at the way it landed on what seemed to be the corner of Jennie's lips.

"Here…" Jennie took the scarf off her eyes and she held her breath as they adjusted to the place around them.

The sky was darker here, and the orange hues from the flames covered everything around it with a light blush of yellow, red and orange that flickered. Lisa feels herself draw her breath, the bonfire looked picturesque against the infinite black sky. Like it belonged there, in the center, with its swaying flames and embers that floated like little fireflies. 

"Well?" 

Jennie's question got lost in the sea of thumps Lisa's heart was making inside her chest. The trees around them were laced with fairy lights, adding a touch of softness the bonfire lacked. They looked like stars strung against the muted shadows. It was as if Jennie took the night sky and brought it here, to them, to  _ her.  _

"Do you… do you hate it?" The growing uncertainty in her voice pulled Lisa away. 

"What?"

"Do you hate it? See… I told you… I suck at this, I wanted to--" 

Lisa kisses her briefly to stop her from speaking things that didn't make sense at the moment. 

"I don't like it… no--" Jennie pulls away quickly, trying to hide the tears brimming in her eyes. "I  _ love  _ it." Lisa finished with a grin, loving the transition from almost-crying to a surprised  _ oh _ to a frown and the next thing she knows Jennie was punching her on the shoulder. 

"What kind of game are you playing at Lisa?!" She squealed, her voice still tight from the urge to cry. 

"Nothing… it's just, I love it… so much." 

"You...you do?" 

"It's perfect, like you went to the ends of the heavens, stole a piece of the sky and brought it here to me…" cliched, Lisa admits, but it was the truth. 

"You're such a hopeless romantic…" Jennie smiled, and it was enough for Lisa to know she said the right things. "I have wine… and uh… a blanket and some food for a night picnic dinner?" 

"Night picnic dinner sounds wonderful." 

The stars looked beautiful, but Lisa knows the stars she sees in Jennie's eyes were far better. 

* * *

Dinner was chicken baked in a light glaze of white wine and a sauce Jennie was adamant into being kept a secret, red wine and the silkiest mashed potatoes she has ever had. 

"Come on, why won't you tell me what that  _ special _ sauce is?" She tried again. 

"I don't get it why you don't understand; it's a secret, plus why do want to know… you don't cook?" Jennie's laughter sounded more open, more  _ her _ , without the usual inhibitions that existed when she was shy. 

"I want to tell Dad about it and maybe he could cook one for Mom and they'll fall in love all over again or something." Lisa takes a quick sip from her fourth glass and feels the wine doing it's job of loosening her. 

"I'll take that compliment." 

There was a heavy silence that followed. It wasn't much, but it was there and it made Lisa lie down on the blanket with one hand tucked beneath her head as she looked up at the sky, tracing stars and trying to see if she could come up with a picture or bump into a constellation. 

"Lisa?" 

She stopped, looking at Jennie who was staring straight into the bonfire in front of them. She looked beautiful, there, against the orange light and the shadows. She was frowning and her jaws were tensed, if Lisa saw the stars in her eyes a while back, this time… this time she sees the flames echoed out in her eyes as she mulls over her next question. Something Lisa was bracing herself for. 

"Is there something wrong?" She finally asked, breaking eye contact with the flames and looking straight at Lisa. Straight into her soul. 

Lisa bites the insides of her cheeks and tries to hold her gaze, not really wanting to look away even if there was a strong urge to. There it was again the part of her that tried its best to hide the truth from seeping out, tried its best to wrap up the bad things with the glittering faux gold that everything is fine. Lisa is tired of it, but it was … her thoughts that was keeping her from being completely honest with the person she wants nothing but to be honest to.

Jennie nods in a way that says  _ okay, take your time _ . She placed her glass, still half full with the wine beside her and scooted closer. 

"Why don't you lie on my lap? It's comfier… I promise." 

She gives Lisa a small smile and tilts her head, her hair falling to the side looking more and more inviting. 

"You're the definition of comfort Jen." 

She moves around a bit and settles her head on Jennie's lap, where her fingers played with tips of Jennie's hair and a soft sigh finding its way out of her. 

"Am I?..."

The question was so soft but Lisa heard it clearly, despite the crackling from the fire and the rush of blood inside her ears. 

"Lisa... it's okay if you don't want to talk about it now. I'd understand, I really do. I know how it feels, so you just rest and breathe...okay? I'm not good at this comfort stuff, even though you think I am. I've been broken for quite a long time I forgot how to. There's not much I could offer but… telling you I understand and it doesn't matter if you think it's best to not talk about it…" Jennie's fingers combed through Lisa's hair and it made her relax in so many ways, the weariness that settled in her bones in the past few days were gone and she felt like crying. "I just…Want you to know that you could if you want to, break down and lash out… lose your temper, show the ugliness you like to keep inside of you so much. I don't mind, wouldn't mind at all, you're not losing me over that. Let your worst out, love…" 

It’s the vastness; she knows, and sometimes if she thinks about it the more it’s the idea of infinite space hidden underneath that tugs at her. She looks and sees the silent shifts and the thought that everything has a way of settling down and inevitably changing. Lisa sees her honeyed eyes looking more golden from the orange hue of the campfire’s embers shift to an endless pool of blackened brown and the muted “I understand” is all it takes for Lisa to smile back and whisper, “I’m not fine.” 

Lisa reaches up to cup Jennie's shocked face in her hands and draw circles where the skin dipped beside her lips. 

"I'm not fine Jen Jen… but it's not you… it's something in me." She said softly, slowly, gently… to drive the thought home and to make sure Jennie doesn't blame herself because it was true. It had nothing to do with her at all. 

"Something inside you?" Jennie stops for a bit, trying to make sense of what was said. "What...do you mean?"

"I'm sorry for not being as honest to you as I wanted to be these past few days. It's what I do best… stay silent. It's all I've ever known to do when I don't understand myself." There was nothing in her voice that gave away the fear that Jennie might find her… too much. 

"Hmmm… tell me more, but only if you want to. I don't get it now but I'll try my best and maybe I might." 

The simplicity in her confession made Lisa smile. 

"Back when I was young … something happened. Something that I think broke me in ways I can never find myself to fix. You see sunshine and happiness, constant laughter and positivity, always… because it's the only thing I know that would make the people around me that I care so much for, to stay. I'm afraid people won't find the unhappy me as pretty and as endearing as the me that's always happy and so… I don't talk about the things that bothers me, I close off whenever I'm sad and put on this  _ I'm always fine _ mask on…"

Lisa stops for a bit and studies Jennie's face in the toned down light as night deepened. She keeps on looking for signs that tells her she doesn't like what she's hearing, but all Lisa could find was the tender understanding that makes her talk more.

"What makes you think a little sadness from you is going to drive me away dummy. I've been friends with her for so long I don't mind at all." 

Lisa chuckles and resists the urge to kiss her. 

"It's not as easy as black and white Jen. I'm… just scared people find the real me to be too far from the idea they've created in their mind that they'll leave. They always do, you know…" Lisa shifts, pushing herself closer to Jennie's warmth. "I try to keep happy because I like it when everyone around me is happy, I like being positive because it drives away the darkness in people and they like that and they stay because it makes them feel good and that makes me feel good in turn…" 

"But… I wont… leave just because you're a bit dark and gloomy… you don't actually think of me that way, do you?" The hurt in her voice was so evident it made Lisa wince. 

"No, I meant…" Lisa finds herself at a loss for words, but Jennie looked at her with something in her eyes that made her continue, "it's not like that with you, I just… it's hard to tell people what I feel because I can't … this is really difficult…"

Jennie takes her hand and kisses the tips of her fingers, lips grazing the skin tenderly. 

"It's fine Lisa… you don't have to figure things out now. Let me help you with that, just like what you did with me… when I wasn't myself."

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." She reaches down to kiss Lisa on the tips of her nose. "Promise me you'll try." 

"Hmmmm?"

"Try and tell me if you're ready." 

"Of course…"

"Tell me more about you then, I wanna know more." Jennie grins and Lisa grins in turn, laughing at the simplicity of it all. Of how easy it was to be drawn into someone else's warmth. 

"Sure, but first… lie with me… the stars look incredibly pretty…"

Jennie looks at her a second too long, deep into her eyes. "They do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while, been struggling with something these past few days I'm finding it hard to come up with sentences lately. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy. Have a wonderful rest of the weekend to everyone. 😁


	47. What Were You Like When You Were a Kid

The universe has a cynical way of taking back everything it gives to you in return. Life's like that, you know? It gives and it takes. It gives and it fucking takes. There's no warning sign, no advance notices, no signposts, it just happens and it sucks because why take away something far earlier than planned, right? The bad things always finds a way of overstaying and the good ones? Well, they leave all too soon. 

If anything, Lisa remembers these parts of her childhood clearly. All the rest were a blur and she doesn’t know if this was a good or bad thing. She used to spend the majority of her time thinking where everything went wrong, that turning point in life and the why’s. She was too young then to understand and she was too old now to even care, so where should she stand? 

* * *

_“Papa?” her voice was hoarse, it always was when she wakes up from a deep sleep that spanned more than eight hours. It was a Saturday, and that meant no classes._

_She sat up slowly. Looking around her with a confusion that made her feel anxious. She woke up to screams from her mother’s room that shook the thin walls that separated her bedroom from theirs. Her side of the bed was unruly, blankets strewn everywhere around her and most of the pillows no longer in their usual places. The other side… the other side was made up, and this made her all the more confused._

_“Papa?” She could hear her own fear, and it made her little heart quiver in ways she couldn’t fully understand. She heard murmurs from the other room, a series of questions she barely understood and her mother’s constant call out to God._

_She fell asleep, with her father reading to her that night and she clearly remembered seeing him get in bed beside her like he always did on Fridays. Fridays were their own little special father-daughter day, a tradition they’ve had ever since she was five. She got out of bed and looked around, looking for God knows what. Her own innocence and curiosity got the best of her as she looked for clues. An early morning hide-and-seek seemed plausible then, she was young and thought everything was a game. Thinking her mother was helping her father out to make it all the more challenging for Lisa to find him._

_She looked inside her closet, little feet running towards it from her bed, seeing nothing but her own clothes strewn on hangers and her box of toys tucked in a dark corner. She whips her head and looks at the darkness beneath her bed. Debating whether it was safe to look where the monsters usually hide, and decides that if her father was to hide, it would definitely be in the place she won't look for. She walked slowly, trying to act as if she didn’t know where he was, trying to gather as much courage as she could inside her little heart. She stopped, right by her bed, playing with the blankets to buy time and to surprise him. She took one big gulp of air and dropped to her knees._

_“Papa!”_

_She stops and tries hard to keep the unfamiliar hold of fear from getting the best of her when she sees nothing but forgotten toys that got whisked off under the bed and dust bunnies that made her eyes smart and her nose to itch._

_She goes back to sitting on the bed and wondering where her father was. There was a weird stirring in her chest that made her squirm, a restlessness that made her grab a pillow and hug it tight. Thinking it’ll drown the thuds that were beginning to grow louder and louder until it consumed the silence in her room and made her want to cry. She takes the time to scan the room with, slowly, until she sees the piece of paper tucked beneath her bedside lamp._

_She scooted closer and took it out. Reading through it again and again, trying to figure out why her father was saying sorry. It didn’t make any sense, what was he saying sorry for? She thinks and thinks and doesn’t realize the paper balled up in her tiny hands and the tears streaming down her face._

_She sits still, frowning over the tears that came out more and more as the minutes passed by. She was sobbing and the more she realized that the more her panic grew. She opens the paper that was crumpled into a ball, the scribbles barely legible as the words swam and her chest tightened. All the silent sobbing was making it difficult to breathe._

_She hears another scream, the door slamming making the hinges rattle. She has never heard her mother be this… loud, she wasn’t this angry._

_She reads the note again:_

_I’m sorry, sunshine._ _  
_ _I’m so sorry._

_The door to her own room opens and her mother runs over to give her a hug and a quick kiss on her tear-stained cheeks._

_“Baby… I need to tell you something.” her voice shook and her eyes were swollen from the crying._

_“I… don’t understand Mama.”_

_“I know baby, I know.” Her mother’s hands felt warm as she ran her fingers through Lisa’s hair, it made the flutters and the jitters inside her to die down a bit. “Mama’s here, everything’s going to be alright.”_

_Lisa nodded, thinking her mother would stop crying if she showed her she understood… but it didn’t help one bit and it made her more confused than she already was. Everything would be fine; and yet Lisa knew, deep down, that it’ll never be the same._

* * *

She feels Jennie stir beside her, she was lying on her back and was looking at the night sky that seemed to stretch off infinitely above them. The air was getting colder but the blanket and bonfire was doing a pretty good job of keeping them warm.

“What were you like when you were a kid?” She could hear the mirth in her voice and knew that she probably had a smile on her face, even though Lisa wasn't really looking. 

She bristled at the question, something she knows wasn’t very subtle at all. A quick jolt that Jennie was bound to sense this close to her. 

“I was weird and awkward, I guess?” 

Jennie nods, and turns on her side to face her. If she knew Lisa was bothered by the question, it wasn't evident. The moonlight that peeked through the leaves fell on her face, drawing little shapes on her cheeks and Lisa thinks it made her smile even more beautiful. 

"How awkward?" She grinned, showing her cute little teeth with the gums and all.

"As awkward as it could get." 

"You're no fun…" Jennie stuck her bottom lip out, and flared her nose in defiance. Lisa finds this adorable, enough to make her chuckle and pull Jennie closer.

"Gee thanks Ms.Kim, pray tell, what's your definition of fun then?" It was supposed to be a tease, but it ended up sounding flat and serious. 

"I was just kidding Lisa… I didn't really mean it." 

She'd come so far from being someone who seemed to always be so positive around people to someone so insecure and anxious, but Jennie made it easier for Lisa to be herself and the bad parts about her were beginning to show and she hated how it always seemed to happen whenever they were alone and talking about stuff that mattered. 

"Hey, it's fine… my childhood was boring… and not fun at all, so… I don't really think you'd like to listen to it much. It'll bore you to death." She could feel Jennie take a deep breath and push into her embrace. 

"You told me about that time you went to the beach and made sandcastles. Remember? You and your weird way of always finding metaphorical analogies between stuff that don't go together and then make it so relatable. I love that about you…" her voice drifted off, along with the wind… a whisper that made Lisa smile. 

"You do?" 

"Yeah. Stop distracting me though. Come on, just one story?" She looked away, knowing that if she looked at Jennie now she'd be spilling everything about her father and how much it broke her… but she knows now wasn't the time for that. 

"Hmmmm, a story?" 

"Yes, Sherlock… a story." There was a hint of annoyance in her tone that made Lisa smile. 

"My father was a dancer." 

The words tumbled out hastily, as if they were chasing each other and wanted to leave her mind the soonest they could. 

"A dancer? Wait… I… I thought you said your father was a chef?" Jennie pulled away, propping herself on her elbows as she looked at Lisa with searching eyes that oddly enough didn't feel uncomfortable. 

"That's my step father, not… my biological one." There was a drop in her voice, it felt hollow and something detached from her. Almost as if it wasn't really her that's talking. 

"Oh." If she wasn't so trapped in her thoughts of the past, she would've laughed out loud at the way Jennie's mouth formed a perfect "o". 

"Yeah, uhhh… he was a dancer. A professional one that did ballet and he was the best. He played the lead role in Swan Lake and The Nutcracker back home. When he danced, he made it look easy, and graceful." It used to hurt to talk about him, now Lisa finds all it does is bring a tinge of sadness and nostalgia. A brief pang of disappointment at what could have been. "He'd bring me along to recitals and dance practices and I'd sit there in the corner and just watch him glide and dance his heart out. He'd do this elegant looking jump, he'd land so so gracefully on the tips of his toes and he would look at me, just at me… and wink. It made me feel really special, made me think 'look at him! That's my father…'" Lisa smiled at the memory, but that's all there was to it at this point … just a memory. 

"Is he… the reason why you went into dancing?" 

Lisa nodded, to appease Jennie's curiosity and acknowledge the thought that yes, it was him. It was him that made her love dancing to a fault she was willing to leave home and perfect the art. 

"Yup, he caught me dancing once, when I was five, and he laughed because he said I reminded him so much of himself… and I liked that, you know? To be told by someone I admire so much and love so much that I remind them of themselves in a way… it made me want to be the best because in my eyes he was… the best." 

Jennie's hand laced through Lisa's hair and combed through it, making her purr and close her eyes at the intimacy of the touch. 

"Im so sorry… how long ago did he… did he die?" Jennie's voice was soft and careful. 

"He isn't dead silly." Lisa laughed out loud, she's sure Jennie was thinking she'd gone mad or that she was someone who was utterly calloused. 

"I don't think I get it… you were talking about him using past tense, so I thought… God, why am I so stupid?" 

Lisa shook her head a little too forcefully it made her see white spots but she didn't like the tone in Jennie's voice and she wanted to tell her she was far from stupid. 

"No! No, you're not stupid… it's just I haven't seen him ever since… so, it'll be weird to talk about him as if he's still in my life." She spat the words with a conviction that made Jennie pull away. 

"Would you like to talk about something else? I'm not as good as you at reading people and making people feel fine or happy but I can see this is upsetting you." Lisa could see the tentative way she reached out and how her eyes asked if it was okay to come closer and to hold her. It made Lisa shrink, to close in on herself and wonder how she got lucky at finding someone who's warm and someone who's as easy to be with, as easy as it was to breathe. 

"How about you? Want to tell me about your… family?" 

Jennie smiled and planted a soft kiss that lingered on her cheek. 

"If you think yours is boring, mine's worse." 

"Oh yeah? Hit me with your best shot babe." 

Jennie rolled her eyes and let out a small snort. " That's the cringiest line I've ever heard Manoban…" 

"And here I thought you've gone soft on me, I really thought you didn't have it in you to be so snarky anymore." 

"Yeah, well… shut up." 

Lisa laughed, something about Jennie's snarky mood was making her feel more… playful. 

"Nope. You've changed, you're like Head bitch in charge no more?" Jennie punched her on the shoulder, making her squeak. "Hey! What was that for?" 

"I swear to God, you're so annoying and stupid and cute…" 

"Well, annoying you is kinda fun and -- wait, I'm cute?" Lisa could see her blush, and squirm. 

"Yes, you're cute…" Jennie pulled at her shirt, pulling her closer until their foreheads touched. "Whenever you're being such a dumbass. Whenever you're being so positive I could gag. And…" 

"And?" Lisa held her breath, having her this close was breathtaking.

"And…" Jennie inched closer, her lips barely grazing Lisa's, making her shiver. 

"You'll kill me with anticipation here… cut me some slack?" 

Lisa nudged closer but Jennie pulls back in time, enough to keep the same distance between them as she smiled.

"You're so impatient…" 

"It's kinda hard when a gorgeous woman is about to kiss you y'know?" 

"Oooh, gorgeous?" 

"Touché Kim, but no… not now… kiss?" 

"Well… since you asked real nicely… I might …" Jennie gave her a quick kiss on the lips, something to tide over their desire. She pulls back and grins at an annoyed Lisa.

"You're cheating…" 

Jennie's laugh echoed out into the expanse around them along with the soft murmurs of the night breeze. 

"What part of giving you a quick kiss is cheating Manoban?" She arched her brow, punctuating the last word with the lightness of banter. 

"I--" 

The shrill sound of Jennie's ringtone made them both jump, Lisa sat up too quickly it made her dizzy. Jennie fumbled with her bag and fished for her phone, the ringing echoed out into the darkness -- sounding foreign. 

"Hey…" Lisa could hear her whisper into the call as Jennie looked up to meet her gaze and give her a small smile. "You are? Sure… sure… why don't you guys come over this weekend?" 

There was a brief silence as Jennie nodded along, saying obscure "uhuh's" to whoever was on the other line. 

"Yeah, I'm so excited to see you guys… I miss you too. Yeah," Jennie gave her another apologetic look as she pulled her by the collar, kissing Lisa as silently as she could before pushing her away and smiling. "Yeah mom, I'll see you and Dad soon. Take care." 

"Mom? Dad?" 

Jennie grinned 

"Yeah, we're meeting them this weekend. So I guess, I should hold off on the stories? They can tell you everything you want to know themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, Im sorry it took me a looong time to update. I've been going through this weird sort of insomnia that's making me feel slow and all sorts of wrong when not at work and I could barely think of what to write. 
> 
> Second, I'm sorry if the story has taken a much slower momentum. I wanted to flesh Lisa out more and it seems to be dragging the story in a way? It's I think, almost done... And hopefully the next upcoming chapters aren't as... I dont know... Slow and filler-y? 
> 
> Third, thank you so much for reading. This fic means a looot, and having you guys read and comment and kudos it makes my day. 
> 
> Everyone have an awesome week ahead... Also take extra extra care... With the nCov threat and all. I hope everyone's safe and 
> 
> P.s thank you too for the motivation. Always giving that much needed nudge, and making me realize things about writing.


	48. It's a Little Kim Tradition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... Meet the parents? First 1/4 of the dinner lol

It’s supposed to be easy, that’s what they all say. Except no one ever told her that this would be extremely awkward, not the least bit easy at all and has anyone ever said that this would be hella awkward?

Lisa smiles and takes a deep breath to calm the churning in her stomach that makes her want to puke her lunch down the toilet and the same churning that glues her to her seat under the piercing and scrutinizing glare of Jennie’s mother. 

_ Oh boy... _

* * *

She stands in front of the mirror, ruffling her bangs for the upteenth time. If she was being honest with herself, she’d admit that she has been standing there, combing through her bangs with shaky fingers, twirling her dress around and on her toes in front of the damn mirror for thirty minutes now. She takes in a huge gulp of air and turns on her heels one last time to see how the dress looked on her, murmuring under her breath.

“Okay, you got this… It’s nothing big… Just meeting Jennie’s parents. Not that I’m saying that’s not big at all… It’s just --”

“Woah, hold your horses Manoban… breathe or something…” 

Chaeyoung was sitting on her bed, rubbing Leo -- who seemed to be in a good mood -- by his stomach and seemed to be having the time of her life laughing at a frowning Lisa who turned to face her.

“I’m fine.” Who was she kidding? Her voice was filled with an apprehension that could span a lifetime, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t fake it till she made it, especially when Chaeyoung was giving her  _ that  _ look. An eyebrow raised and an annoying smug expression on her face, 

“No, you’re nervous, and…” Chaeyoung drawls it out, placing extra emphasis in the next thing she says, just because she wants to rub it in or something like that. “there’s nothing wrong with admitting that.” She was holding her ground, even though Lisa was trying her best to seem more imposing than she usually was. 

“I’m perfectly fine. I’m not nervous, why would I be? It’s just dinner…”  _ dinner with the love of her life’s parents…  _ but Lisa was too stuck in her head to even admit that she was nervous out loud. 

“Uhuh, and maybe I’m not in love with food either or with Jisoo…” 

“What?”

“Oh? I thought we were starting to lie out loud or something.”

_ God, why did she think inviting Chaeyoung to help her get dressed was such a good idea? _

“I’m failing you in class.” Lisa drops to sit beside her on the bed, plops into it rather carelessly she almost sat on Leo. She lets out a gruff groan that made her feel just the tiniest bit better but still feeling so wrung out she was drained. 

“No you won’t, Hoshi won’t let you, plus Jisoo will kill you … that is, if you’re alive after Jennie smothers you with her disappointment. You should really rethink your life choices.” 

“I thought  _ you  _ were the nice one?” 

Chaeyoung laughs out loud and it made Lisa smile, it was infectious and she has to admit that the woman has some sass in her. 

“Fine, fine… I’m nervous… so fucking nervous my bladder’s about to explode.” 

“Good.”

Lisa whipped her head over at a smirking Chaeyoung who was quick to add, “Not the exploding bladder part, ew, not that. The nervous ‘you’ part…”

“What’s so good about choking on and drowning in the overwhelming feeling of nervousness, oh wise Chaeyoung?” 

“Look, stop being so sarcastic..”

“You started it!”

“Only because you were so intent on acting so cool, please… you were shaking like a leaf in mid spring.” She rolled her eyes but the smile on her face was a dead giveaway. 

“Is that supposed to be a smart clapback or something?” Lisa can’t help but giggle, Chaeyoung was weird but the good kind.

“Stop changing the subject. What I meant was… nervous means you’ll try your damndest not to make a fool out of yourself and that’s a good thing, right?”

“I guess…”

“And … I’ve already met Jennie’s parents a couple of times. They’re both pretty cool, so I wouldn’t worry too much.” Lisa lets out an audible sigh of relief “but then, I’m not the one sharing saliva with their daughter so maybe you do have the right to worry…”

“For fuck’s sake you’re supposed to help me feel better, not make everything worse? Where’s the Chaeyoung that helped me with Kuma, or the Chaeyoung that helped me out back at the hospital?” 

“You asked me to help you find the perfect piece to wear, not give you in-law advice... “

“That’s besides the point!”

“Still… “

“Jisoo’s rubbing off on you, you know that right?”

“And Jennie’s rubbing off on you too.”

Lisa drops onto her back, lying on the bed and staring straight at the ugly paint job on her ceiling and trying her best not to panic -- although she’s already doing a pretty good job at internally panicking. 

“Okay, okay… I’m just kidding. Seriously Lisa, you’ll be fine. I promise Jennie’s parents are very nice and plus... Jennie wouldn’t have invited you over to meet them if she thinks you’ll mess everything up. Also, might I add… this is a huge step, don’t you think? Meeting the parents is supposed to be easy. Just for added measure, to keep your pretty mind from combusting from all that over thinking, you look very pretty in that dress. Might make me rethink why I’m with Jisoo…”

Lisa grabs a pillow and throws it at Chaeyoung who was too focused on her speech she didn’t see it coming. 

“That’s for the wise-ass teasing,” She throws another one that flies past Chaeyoung, cause she has lousy aim like that, “and that was supposed to be for all the unnecessary worry and panic.”

“Goodluck nonetheless Lis.” Chaeyoung gives her a funny looking wink and laughs out loud at the little breath of air she does that’s weighed down by her audible frustration. 

* * *

Chaeyoung was lying. There was nothing inherently  _ easy  _ with this. Nothing. At. All. 

Lisa stands there awkwardly, in front of the open door, playing with the ribbon tied behind her dress. Anything to keep herself from doing something that'll embarrass her and make Jennie's parents think she was some sort of psycho, or worse… someone not worthy of their daughter.

Jennie was all smiles, and if Lisa wasn't too preoccupied with the weight of the stare she received from Jennie's mother -- who was standing by the door when she knocked, much to her chagrin. -- she'd note how the red dress hugged her in all the right places. She had light make-up on and her hair fell like waterfalls, framing her face and making her look all the more lovely against the dim porch light. 

She's beautiful, and Lisa was too stuck at trying not to be too flitty that she stammered a broken "Good evening" rather than a "You look beautiful tonight." 

"Hey." Jennie smiled at her, the softest expression on her face. She knew Jennie could sense her apprehension, all bristled up and stiff. 

"Hey." She answered back.

Her voice was so small, Jennie had to take a step closer. 

"You okay?" She whispered, holding Lisa by the elbow. "You look sick."

_ I feel sick… but that isn't important right now.  _

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine…" 

Her words were raspy and breathy. Probably from her trying to keep still and realizing she's failing at it, if Jennie's concerned look was indicative of it. 

"You look beautiful tonight. I uh, brought Pinot Noir. I didn't know if you guys wanted red or white, so I figured going Red was the safest choice?" 

"Oh. This is perfect Lisa, but there was really no need to." Jennie took the bottle from her, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "This'll go well with dinner though, dad loves Pinot Noir and Cabernet but don't tell him I told you. He prides himself in making people guess… they always seemed to answer he's a Chardonnay kind of guy. Whatever that means." 

Jennie was pulling her towards the door, talking as they go. Lisa barely understood, but nods along to every single thing Jennie said. Wine. Red. Cabernet. Those were the only things she managed to retain, most of her thoughts revolving around what she needs to do to ensure she leaves a good impression. 

"Here, let me take your coat." 

"Huh?"

"Your coat, silly." 

Lisa nods again, handing Jennie her coat and standing there by the door side table. Jennie insisted they have dinner at her parents house which was an hour drive away from where they were staying. She doesn't mind, really, Lisa was curious and wanted to see where Jennie grew up in. 

"Look, you'll be fine. Okay? My parents don't bite, just don't talk about Sports with dad and we're good. Unless you're very much well versed in Football, then by all means, baby... you can talk his ear off." Lisa feels most of the tension falling away, something about Jennie's smile and soft touches made her think of soft pillows and a springy, comfy bed. 

"I just don't want them to think you're with a dumbass…" she gave her a smile, something to say she's trying her best to be more at ease -- because that was the truth. 

"They wouldn't mind if you were… and, you sort of are…" 

"Not helping." 

Jennie chuckles and pulls her closer. Kissing her on the tips of her nose, the small gesture making Lisa sigh. 

"But… they'll definitely have a bad impression of you if we keep them waiting, so...shall we?" She holds her hand out, squeezing Lisa's tenderly. It isn't much but it was enough to make Lisa smile and breathe. 

* * *

Dinner was steak, mashed potatoes and a heavenly piece of ice cream cake that melts in the mouth, effectively cleaning the palette and making Lisa miss her step dad just a tiny bit. 

"So Lisa, Jennie has told us a lot about you… you've been teaching at YG for… how long?" 

It’s supposed to be easy, that’s what they all say. Except no one ever told her that this would be extremely awkward, not the least bit easy at all and has anyone ever said that this would be hella awkward?

Lisa smiles and takes a deep breath to calm the churning in her stomach that makes her want to puke her lunch down the toilet and the same churning that glues her to her seat under the piercing and scrutinizing glare of Jennie’s mother. 

_ Oh boy… _

"A couple of months now. I, uh … assist Hoshi with classes and he made me take over Jennie's class." 

_ Was she giving the right answers?  _

"Is that so?" Lisa can't tell if that was disappointment, indifference or if she was imagining stuff in Jennie's mother's voice. "When are they planning on keeping you as a permanent teacher there?" 

"I have by the end of the year. They'll do evaluations by then and see if they'll continue with my contract or not." 

"That seems fair." Jennie's father nodded, smiling at her. 

"Does that mean you've known Jennie...what? The same amount of time you've been working there? Is this even allowed?" 

Lisa could barely keep up with the questions. Jennie's mother was… intense. Imposing, authoritative and had that aura around her that made Lisa think of headmasters and principals or just people in power. 

"I … uh, have looked into the program's guidebook and have not read anything about uh… relationships" Lisa felt like wincing, her voice sound weirdly foreign even to her own ears.

_ Great.  _

"Mom…"

Lisa felt Jennie's hands over her own, and the warmth it brought made the fluttering and churning more subdued… 

"I just don't want to receive any complaints or reports from the dance company that  _ this  _ isn't allowed and that you're spot is --" 

"Honey…" Jennie's father reached out to place his own hands over his wife's, giving her a small smile before directing his attention to Lisa. "I think you've asked all the mandatory questions. Ease up on her, will you?" His voice was dark and soothing. Like warm Cognac. 

It was not what Lisa was expecting… she had images of Jennie's mother saying something that stung or a smart retort or asking her to leave the house or … if she was allowed to be more morbid and grim, be asked to leave Jennie alone or to break up with her. She wiggles in her chair awkwardly as Jennie's mother laughs out loud, shaking and turning as red as a tomato, Jennie's father was chuckling and struggled to get the words out.

"It's uh… a little Kim tradition… i hope you don't take it against us." 

_ Well she be damned.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me a question (please lol):  
> https://curiouscat.me/Heyrrra
> 
> Just not math related. (Cause yanno, I have a huge aversion for this subject) 
> 
> Lol I promise I'll try to be funny.


	49. I Prefer Snarky and Bitter

Lisa looks at a chuckling Jennie beside her with an open mouth and a confused look on her face. 

“Tradition?”

“Mom likes to make my dates uncomfortable, I don’t know why she does that but you should’ve seen the look on your face…” Jennie said in between breaths and fits of laughter. 

“I’m so sorry Lisa, I just want to see how you handle the Kim pressure because God knows Jennie’s brimming with it. I’m surprised she hasn’t worn you out yet?” 

It took Lisa a couple of seconds to understand what was going on and breathed out an audible sigh of relief. It was refreshing to know that she wasn’t failing at this. 

“Uh, no. No she hasn’t.” Lisa added in, drowning her glass of wine right after. 

“You can tell us the truth if she is. We won’t take it against you.”

“I always tell her to stop this, but she insists.” Jennie’s father added with a warm smile, “They’re both stubborn like that, I can give you hints on how to deal with them if you like? After dinner, why don’t --”

“Dad, no! You’ll just embarrass me!” 

“What? Of course not sweetie, I’ll probably show her a baby pic or two but embarrass you? I could never.” He gave Jennie a look of mock hurt before turning towards Lisa and giving her a wink.

“I’d love that Mr. Kim.” The wine was doing its job and she was beginning to feel calmer, more relaxed even. 

“No, no you won’t love it. I tell you, he’ll ambush you with football stories and all sorts of sports crap, you wouldn’t like it. Nope. Not at all, nuh uh.”

Lisa laughed at the frantic way Jennie was trying to keep her father quiet and the adorable look of adoration from both her parent’s eyes. Lisa takes a long good look at the three of them, Jennie was trying to ramble on about her father’s inability to socialize with younger people and that it was best to go up to her room right after dinner instead, and the funny way her mother would interject saying it was best to keep the door open; a policy they always had and Jennie whining how pointless that was because she was an adult now. To make the long story short, Lisa loved seeing Jennie here, in a place where she was happy and teeming with a lightness that made her glow -- not counting the soft hues of yellow that seem to peek out whenever she laughed.

“Lisa?” Jennie’s mother had a questioning look on her face and it takes her a second to realize they’re all looking at her, expecting an answer. 

“Uhh… yes?”

“We wanted to know if you’d like to go up with me and leave these two oldies to themselves?” Jennie helped. 

“Su..sure. I enjoyed dinner, Mr. and Mrs Kim. It was a pleasure getting to know both of you.” 

“You’re so polite it’s cute. Don’t mention it honey. You’re free to come visit us anytime… even without Jennie. You know what? Do come and visit us, especially if Jennie’s giving you a hard time, okay?” 

“Mom…”

“I’m just being helpful.” Jennie’s mother gave her a look that was meant for just the both of them, a silent way of acknowledging. “I mean it. Just come whenever you feel like it, I’ll cook my special dessert every time. Deal?” 

“Deal.” Lisa breaks out into a grin and nods along a little too enthusiastically, making Jennie groan. 

“Great, just make Lisa your daughter already if you like her that much.” Jennie mumbled under her breath, pushing her chair and holding out her hand for Lisa to take.

Lisa freezes in her seat, _did she just?_

“If you don’t scare her away, we’d love that very much.” Mr Kim bellowed, slapping the table. 

“That’s if she wants to have you as a wife…” her mother added. 

“Look, I love you both … so much and I’m thankful you both like Lisa too, but can you both shut up now and leave us be?” 

“We’re not holding you back from leaving the dinner table honey, go show Lisa your room so she’ll see how much of a sappy teenager you were.” 

Jennie was already pulling at her hand, leaving both her parents laughing at the table while they walk up a winding flight of stairs up to a corridor that was bigger than her whole apartment unit. 

“And don’t forget to keep the doors open!” 

Lisa laughed as Mr Kim’s booming voice echoed out against the walls. 

Jennie stops in her tracks suddenly that it almost throws Lisa’s balance off. She turns around with a smirk on her face and Lisa knows she’s going to have a fun night ahead of her. 

“Had fun Manoban?” her voice was taut and it made Lisa’s heart flutter. 

“I did.” 

“Uh huh, loved it when they embarrassed me?” Jennie stepped a bit closer. It was a thing now, for both of them to not really care about the invasion of space the other would do. 

“I don’t think they were.” Lisa whispered.

Jennie skimmed Lisa’s lips with her index finger, lightly grazing it, slowly, as if the finger was kissing it intimately, too close yet still too far for Lisa’s taste. Lisa leans in, holding Jennie’s hand by the wrist and gently pushing it to the side to give her more access to Jennie’s own lips, thinking of stealing a quick kiss to make up for whatever it is that she was thinking Lisa did wrong.

“No. You don’t get a kiss for agreeing with my mother.”

Jennie pulls away quickly and resumes walking down the corridor, stopping in front of a door and grinning. “Coming?” 

* * *

Lisa can’t stop laughing at how incredibly _Jennie_ Jennie’s room was. From the black bed sheets to the pink unicorn carpet on the floor. She was a combination of what felt like was the end of the spectrum to the other far end. The room was dark, with all the lights turned off except for the little Minnie Mouse bedside lamp that did nothing to help, if Lisa was being honest, but it looked cute and it made Jennie squeal the moment she found out it was still working. 

“What?” She could hear the slight annoyance in Jennie’s voice and she laughed out louder. 

Jennie was sitting cross-legged on the unicorn carpet on the floor, with Lisa hugging her from behind. Keeping her grounded in the space between Lisa’s thighs as she played with Lisa’s fingers, bringing her right thumb to her lips and biting it softly, making sure the teeth bit into the flesh lightly.

“Hey!” 

“Tell me what’s so funny or I’ll bite harder.” She threatens, a slight edge to her voice Lisa found cute.

:”On second thought… I take back that ‘hey’...” Lisa snuggled against her, resting her chin on Jennie’s head. 

“Do you hate unicorns?” She asked right out of the blue. 

“Uh no, I love them… they’re fairy horses… who can hate fairy horses?” 

“Irene hated them… She kept asking why I even bothered with things that don’t exist in real life. Something about _silly non-existent horses..._ ” There was a catch in her voice that Lisa hears out of plain instinct. She thinks it was hard knowing where Jennie stopped and where she started…

“Maybe she’s afraid of the horns…. I mean they can get a bit daunting, don’t you think?” She hugged Jennie closer, running her hands up and down the length of Jennie’s arms. 

“Nah, she just didn’t like believing in things that can’t… exist and didn’t like engaging in things that can’t...happen.” 

“Do you want to talk about it? “ 

“What’s there to talk about?” Lisa knew what that was, the pulling of words till they stretched and sounded thin, like ice waiting to break. That was Jennie trying not to cry…

“Do you want to talk about … Irene?” She said slowly, cautiously. Trying hard not to step on the cracks to make sure the ice doesn’t fall away all at once. 

“You want me… to talk about … the first person I ever loved… who’s dead … with you? Inside my room, where we spent most of our time together?” Lisa takes in a gulp of air and nodded, realizing a second too late and a moment of silence right after that Jennie can’t hear her nod. 

“If it helps you… sure. I don’t know anything about her aside from…”

“What happened that night?” 

_A heartbeat._

“Yeah.” 

Lisa waits in silence, they haven’t had this kind of talk for what felt like a lifetime… something about it feels different though, something about it feels lighter when Lisa supposes it should be heavier. The only time they ever talked about this was through the emails they exchanged before they knew who each other really was and that was easier -- exchanging words over email. No, she takes that back. She figures, after rolling the thought about it in her head. It was harder. It was hard and easy at the same time, or was it simply because they both wanted it to work? Lisa almost groans in frustration, trying to figure out which was which and which made more sense, which felt right. 

_Another heartbeat._

“Irene was my best friend... We went to the same highschool and the same college because we wanted to be together, _inseparable_ \-- was the word she would always use back then.” Jennie chuckled, “It was funny cause’ we both met at this salon where she was having her nails done and I was having my hair cut. High school was supposed to be about new beginnings, and I wanted to start it with a new short do’ you know, new hair -- new you?” 

Lisa could see Jennie with a shorter haircut in her mind and thinks it fits her and makes her look more … empowered. She tries to hold a giggle in, knowing how arresting and nerve wracking it would have been for people who bumped into her and feels just a pang of jealousy, wanting to have had the same chance they did. 

“Yeah, and?”

“So I was sitting there like a duck and waiting for the hair specialist to finish with another client, right? Irene was sitting right across -- buried into some sort of fashion magazine that salon’s provide to let you kill time and all that. She had the shiniest hair I’ve ever laid eyes on and I think I was staring far too long at her that she must’ve felt it and looked up…” She turned to face Lisa and wrapped her arms around Lisa’s neck, holding on to it like it was an anchor. “She gave me one huge smile and I knew … I knew right there and then we were going to be friends. There were sparks.”

“Sparks? That’s cheesy, I never thought THE Jennie Kim could be this … cheesy.” Lisa rubs her nose against Jennie’s forehead, trying to make things light. The other woman was smiling but she could see the unshed tears in her eyes and knew whatever it was that made her talk was a courage that looked past past wounds. 

“Shut up, I’m telling it as it is Manoban. There were sizzles and sparkles and I knew deep in my belly that she was going to be someone special.”

“Oooh, sizzles and sparkles?” Lisa giggled. “That sounds very sweet Jen-Jen… and then what happened?” 

“She talked to me, shouted across the room and that was it. We were… inseparable.” The slight pause made her close her eyes, reliving whatever fond memory and emotion it might have awakened inside her. “Only.. I wasn’t really planning on falling head over heels in love with her, but it was expected… Everyone fell in love with Irene. Everyone.” 

“Everyone?”

“Yeah, if she was still here… She’d take up dancing too… because she liked this dancer… uh… Seulgi, and she’d do everything for her, even study dancing when she hates it. She’d take up the same classes I’m in and you would've met her…. Maybe even fall for her…” Lisa almost squirmed from the intensity of Jennie’s gaze and she hopes the awkward looking smile, didn’t look as awkward as it felt. 

“I don’t think so…”

“You would.” It was in the way she said it, that made it feel final. 

“Why’d you think I would?”

“Cause … She was the better version of me and I liked that about her.”

“I still think I’d like you better, no offense...I prefer snarky and bitter.” Jennie had her head turned away, looking at the collection of Stuffed toys on her bed. Lisa kept looking at her, at the way her eyelashes fluttered whenever she blinked, the curves on her cheeks and, felt something inside her pull at her, making her lean in and place one soft kiss on Jennie’s right temple. She wasn’t planning on staying but the way she smelled of lavender, made Lisa linger -- just a bit. 

“That’s the thing, you wouldn’t like me then. I was different. I’d be all over her and you’d see how my world revolved around her…only her.” 

Lisa doesn’t answer, she waits for what she knows was something more. 

“You know? What’s confusing me? It’s how she felt like home and everything was easy with her, right? She wanted me to watch something I didn’t like and I would because I know she’d want me to and I’d do it in a heartbeat, no less. If that made her happy then I would Lisa.” She had the saddest looking smile Lisa has seen and it made the room look lighter in comparison. “And then… there’s you… who made me see things differently and yet made all that feel comfortable. I’d bet you’d ask me to watch something I didn’t want and I’d say the truth about it and you’d… understand, and wouldn’t push.” She played with her fingers, “or… maybe I would and I’ll tell you it sucked and you’d laugh.” 

“That’s debatable, but yeah… I’m perfectly fine with whoever you are, bitter and complicated I’ll take what I can get cause it’s you.” 

“Come to think of it, you make everything easier too, and you’re relaxing and…”

Lisa kissed her on the cheek, cutting off whatever thought she had. 

“Are we going to talk about how awesome I am?” Lisa perked up, laughing at the way Jennie rolled her eyes in contempt. 

“No. You already know that…” 

“Well, tell me more?”

“About you?”

“Anything…”

“Don’t you get tired of listening to me? I’ve been doing all that ever since we were doing the emails. Tell me about you… what are you afraid of, what’s going on inside that beautiful head of yours?” 

Jennie pulled away, pushing Lisa against the side of her bed where the covers dropped and almost pooled on the floor. Holding her, sandwiched in between, because she knows Lisa tends to shy away from talking about herself, and Lisa sort of hated how she knew that quite well. 

“It’s … it’s nothing, really. Just a bunch of thoughts that don’t make sense.”

“So? Tell me and we’ll figure it out… the both of us. Tell me everything, I want to know you, the ugly and the pretty.” Her voice dropped a few tones, a whisper that felt like a caress on her skin. It was reassuring and somehow opened up something inside Lisa, she never knew existed. 

“Well… I’m afraid of needles. Hate them to the core… I don't like it when people walk out of my life without telling me why. I hate how I think it’s my fault and I get consumed by a guilt that shouldn’t be there because I know I did nothing wrong… but having them leave without… telling me the reason makes me think so badly of myself. And I can’t do anything about it but accept it and move on, right? Because that’s the right thing to do, you can't hold them down, you can never hold anybody down. But it would be nice… to just know _why..”_ Lisa was speaking so fast, she was trying to catch her breath when she finished. 

Jennie was patient with her, nodding to show she gets it and Lisa knows she does. It was nice… talking to someone who saw you and saw right through you, down to the nitty gritty stuff of it and still find it in themselves to smile at you. It made Lisa lean in to rest her forehead against Jennie’s own. 

“I think about how I might disappoint your parents, how beautiful you look in that dress. How I want my real father back even if I love my step dad too. I just want him to see what and who I am now and to tell him thank you and that he sucks too…” 

“Lisa…” she could hear the pity in Jennie’s voice and she didn’t want that. Never that. 

“He does suck, and I don’t hate him for that. Never. I just want to know why… he had to go and leave so suddenly. Why leave without saying goodbye… I was six years old! And do you know how difficult that was? To be happy and accepting when every once in a while you wanted nothing more but break down and cry? That you needed to be strong when all you’ve wanted to do was be weak and vulnerable…”

“Hey… hey… it’s okay… Lisa?” 

She felt warm hands caress her face and light kisses tracing an invisible line from her forehead to her nose to her lips. Where Jennie stayed far longer before pulling away and looking at her with a look that said _lay it out on me._

“I’m here… okay? I’m here.”

“I’m fine Jen-Jen. I’m always fine.” traces of bitterness seeped out and she wanted to kick herself for it.

“Stop acting okay when you’re not… It doesn’t change who you are, it doesn’t make me see less of you either. But if this is too much to talk about now, you can stop and I’d be okay with it. The thing is… I want you to know I'm here for you like you were with me and that being mad, and sad and all sorts of those ugly stuff is fine.” 

“Don’t you hate it how I can never walk the talk? I preach about acceptance and finding beauty in broken things, and being so insistent about being positive when I can’t even apply that to myself? Crazy right? You thought I was all about sunshine and light and all that crap we talk about, when I’m really just attracted to the light I see inside you and crave the same for myself.” 

“What do you mean…”

“I just want everyone around me to be happy Jen, cause I don’t want them to go through what I went through...I have to be happy Jen…”

“No, you don’t need to be… not when --”

“Remember your first email? I’ll tell you what went through that night. I was expecting an email from the places I applied and yours came instead. Fate’s crazy, yeah? You sounded like you were drowning and I know that feeling all too well. I didn’t want you to… lose yourself over that, over whatever it was you were sad about and I replied. It was a choice I’ll never regret…”

“Good, cause I’ll punch you in the head if you ever said you did… regret it.”

“I’ll never, not even if you say you hated cats. I’ll probably be disappointed but I’ll never regret having you in my life…can we talk about something else?” Lisa’s voice broke, she can talk about this with Jennie another time, when her mind was more clear and more understandable. Right now, she’s fine with having her understand and stay regardless of what she sees. 

“I know just the thing to take your mind off of it. Dance with me?” Jennie grinned, taking away the heaviness inside Lisa and making her feel calmer. 

“Always.”she whispered back 

_Always._

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a great week everyone. Stay safe always. <3


	50. Arendelle’s in Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep Snow

* * *

* * *

“Why don’t we get you off that lazy butt of yours first, shall we?” Jennie towers over her, giggling at the weird look Lisa had on her face. “Stop making that face…”

“What face?” 

“That face, you don’t like dancing with me, is that how it is?” 

Jennie inches closer, running her index finger slowly from Lisa’s neck up to her chin, dragging it out while she looks deeply into Lisa’s eyes. Taking her time, smirking as Lisa tries to draw out a shaky breath. Lisa licks the bottom of her lips out of instinct, wanting to lean in but knowing Jennie will pull away if she makes so much as a slight move.

“Uh… shouldn’t we skip to the dancing part at this point?” 

“No, we’re staying here, gazing at each other’s faces till we turn sixty, how does that sound?” 

“I’m not so oppose--”

Jennie takes both Lisa’s cheeks in between her hands and squishes firmly, laughing at the awkward way the skin scrunches and noting how incredibly adorable it looks for her lips to jut out.

“You look like a fish at this point.” She had tears in her eyes and was shaking in hopes to contain the laughter inside her, but Lisa likes it when it bubbles over and wishes she’d just give in. 

“Donch you findsh it kyut?” 

“No.” 

“Then letsh go of mah fezsh.”

“No.” Jennie says more firmly.

“Butsh.”

“No buts…”

Lisa tried sticking her tongue out and failed miserably. 

“Okay, enough games, come on lazy butt, up we go.” 

Jennie takes Lisa by the collar, and nudges gently, giving her enough room to push herself up. Lisa finds herself standing awkwardly in front of a chuckling Jennie who seemed to find everything she’s doing lately rather funny. 

She takes a quick look at the room around, one fleeting glance to commit it to memory. The bookcase by the bed, the funny looking chair that leaned closer to the right than it did left by her study table and the way the fuzzy looking yellow light from the bedside lamp that made everything about Jennie seem softer, not that she wasn’t already. It had that way of making her look more childlike, more fun, and it made Lisa want to take a picture and keep it in her back pocket for when she’s going through tough times. Just to remind her. 

“Well… may I have this dance tonight?” Jennie says under her breath. Something about it felt tentative, like she was afraid Lisa might say no. Like that was even an option to begin with.

Lisa holds out her hand and waits for Jennie to take it in hers and allows her to take her time to get closer, to remove the space between them that was becoming more and more pronounced. 

“Would you let me lead?” She asks again, wrapping her arms around Lisa’s waist. 

“I wouldn’t mind, no.” Lisa answers back, pulling Jennie closer by wrapping her own arms around her neck. 

“You can step on my feet too, I don’t mind.” 

Jennie grins and starts moving, humming a familiar tune Lisa can’t find the name to. 

“Hey, Lisa?” 

Something in her voice feels far away, like she was thinking about something distant. 

“Yeah?” 

It was awkward, Lisa thinks. To have Jennie lead and yet she knows that it was in a way right too. To have her arms around her and have her guide their steps through the carpeted floor that muted the light footsteps that would’ve echoed out in the dark room.

“Can I spin you around? I promise I won't let you fall down.” 

“You can give it a try, it’ll be alright.” 

Jennie takes a step back, holding Lisa’s hand to twirl her around. It comes off awkward, with Lisa ducking just a bit to go around, making Jennie laugh.

Jennie hums the same tune again and it clicks in Lisa’s head just in time to see Jennie smiling at her and Lisa thinks it’s a little cliche to say that her world stopped spinning and that time seemed to have stopped too, but she knew it was the best -- no, it was the only way to describe the way her heart clenched in the best ways possible and if she died then it was the perfect way to go. 

“For the first time in forever… we can fix this hand in hand. “

Lisa smiles at the song. 

“ We can head down this mountain together. You don't have to live in fear.” She sings back, watching Jennie’s eyes twinkle with mirth, both shuffling to the side and almost bumping against the bed. 

“Cause for the first time in forever…” Jennie pulls her closer, away from the bed and into the safety of her embrace, far from where the past hurt, “I will be right here…” She whispers softly, gently, like a lullaby. It makes Lisa sigh, her entire being feeling relaxed and calmer. 

“Anna…” Jennie starts, chuckling at the way Lisa’s face brightens in familiarity, knowing exactly what to do. “Please go back home, your life awaits…” Lisa can’t help but laugh at how spot on Jennie's mimicry was, “Go enjoy the sun, and open up the gates!”

“Yeah, but…” Lisa answers back, playing along. 

“I know…” She pushes Lisa away playfully. “You mean well, but leave me be…” Walking away softly, holding her arms around herself and acting all sad, “Yes, I’m alone, but I’m alone and free,” She gives a short pause, stealing a quick glance at Lisa who was smiling by the bedside, waiting. “Just away and you’ll be safe from me.” 

Lisa was about to answer back, when Jennie held her finger up, “Except don’t, yeah? You’re safer with me.” She smiles, before continuing, “But go on, we’re almost done with the song.”

“Gee… thanks.” Lisa raises an eyebrow in jest. “Actually… we’re not.” 

Jennie’s confused look was all it took to make Lisa laugh out loud, something she hopes wasn’t too loud. 

“Uh… What do you mean you’re not?” 

Lisa thinks Jennie genuinely doesn’t know she was still playing along to the song and tries to pout instead, hoping it looks genuine and makes the smaller girl run up to her. Wanting comfort, just because.

“I get the feeling you don’t know…”

Jennie scrambles closer, almost tripping over the unicorn carpet to hold Lisa. “What do I not know?” 

Lisa doesn’t answer back immediately, feeling a little too emboldened to get Jennie to hold her tighter. 

“Lisa… What do I not know??” Jennie’s voice hitches in panic and Lisa leans in to kiss her. 

“Arendelle’s in deep, deep, deep, deep snow.” 

She whispers back, putting on a straight face and sounding as serious as she can be, keeping the laughter out. 

“Lalisa Pranpriya Manoban!” 

Lisa shields herself from the onslaught of light punches and the barrage of light expletives.

“I swear to all that is Holy, Arendelle to Seoul -- I will kick the living lights out of you!” 

“That’ll be a tough act to follow, you’re so smol.” 

Jennie turns away, thinking it was best not to give a retort back and fuel whatever mischief Lisa was thinking inside her head. She flips her hair and storms off towards the open balcony, where she figures she can stew in peace -- or in annoyance, if she was being honest. She doesn’t give a glance back at Lisa who was running after her.

“Jennie, wait! I was just kidding!” 

She walks faster and gets to the balcony first, closing the glass windows on Lisa, who looked like a kicked puppy on the other side. 

“You’re staying out.” Jennie huffs. 

Lisa’s forehead creases in confusion. 

“What?”

“You’re staying out.”

“But ….”

“That’s what you get for making me worry.”

“I don’t think --”

“Will you let me finish?” 

Lisa settles down into a lazy smile and nods along to whatever it is that Jennie wants. A dragged out silence falls in between them and Jennie taps her right foot, forgetting whatever it was she was about to say. 

“So.... you were saying?” Lisa starts off, being extremely cautious.

“I … forgot.”

“Can I say my piece then?"

“Why not…” 

Lisa holds onto the glass panels, palms flat they were bound to leave imprints,

“You’re the one staying out… not me.” She says flatly, enjoying the look of realization on Jennie’s face, “Enjoy the moonlight, I guess?"

Jennie rolls her eyes and opens the glass windows, 

“I thought I was staying out?” 

“Stop being a wiseass, dumbass.” 

Lisa walks closer, taking Jennie’s hand in her own and kisses the top of it, waiting for her to take it back. She looks through the frown on Jennie’s face and sees a hint of a smile, peeking behind her pretense of being mad. 

“Why do birds… suddenly appear.” Lisa smiles, hoping it was enough to make Jennie smile back this time. “Everytime… you are near.” 

She gets another scoff in return, and Jennie taking her hand back. 

“Just like me, they long to be… close to you.” 

“You’re so sappy… you know that right?”

Lisa nods once and gently pulls her close, this time wrapping her arms around Jennie’s neck and kissing her lightly on the forehead.

“Why do stars fall down from the sky… Everytime you walk by?” She whispers against the cold skin, warming it up with her breath, “Just like me, they long to be… close to you.” 

She sways along to her own humming, Jennie following along. 

She thinks it was weird to suddenly find the thought of falling in love all over again, but it was hard not to. Not when Jennie was there, in her arms, beneath the white streaks of the moonlight that fell daintily on her face. Framing it in ways that made Lisa breathe in the kind of peace that she thinks doesn’t exist. But it does, right now, as she looks at the mole on Jennie’s eyelid and finds herself smiling on the thought of wanting to kiss it.

“On the day that you were born… the angels got together, and decided to create a dream come true…” Jennie smiles at this, looking up to meet Lisa’s gaze. “So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold and starlight in your eyes of… brown.” She changes the last line. 

“Lisa?”

“Yeah?” 

“I love you."

It was said so softly Lisa barely heard it, something about it was fragile, like a silent prayer uttered. 

The first few drops of rain fell on their noses, cold little drops. For a second Lisa thinks it would just be a light drizzle but they found themselves soaked and dripping in a second. Something about this made Lisa lean in first, the rain and the night… She leans in and kisses her softly, a soft graze for when she thinks it captures the innocence of the night and then deeper, to taste and to erase the space that was always there. Deeply, to make it known that she’s here, with Jennie and that’s all it takes to make it all the more perfect. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was by far the most FUN chapter I've ever written -- especially the L word 🤣. Loved it, all it's tiny bits and pieces, their dorkiness and everything about them just screams "happy".
> 
> Hope everyone enjoyed. Almost done with the week, so hope everyone's having an awesome one at that, if not -- well, hopefully the week's being extremely fair. 
> 
> Enjoy 😊😊😊


	51. And Maybe There's Stars Falling

Jennie hates it when this happens. She thinks one must be delirious, crazy, and damn stupid to like being sick. Being sick sucked, but… if she was asked right now what she thought about it. With Lisa’s arms wrapped tightly around her, her breath warming the patch of skin on her neck where Lisa was nuzzling into, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes, both cuddling under her blanket, on her bed, she’d admit she was beginning to warm up to the thought of being sick at the moment. It’s a stupid thought she knows, but she can’t help it … not when it was worth it, to stand beneath the rain and the moon, kissing the person she loves. 

_“We should probably head back inside …” Lisa says the first thing as they pulled away from each other._

_Jennie nods along, not really minding the shivers that were beginning to make her skin prickle. She reaches out for Lisa’s cheeks, hoping that her hands were warm and not the least bit cold. She sees the slow smile on her face and smiles back._

_“Can’t we stay for just a minute longer?” She batted her eyelashes, looking away, knowing that if she looked back again, she might have agreed to whatever it is Lisa wanted. She wanted to stay, just a bit more, in this moment._

_“Seriously… Jen-Jen it’s pouring?”_

_“It’s romantic? Have you never watched classic rom-coms? The best kisses are always under pouring rain?” She says matter-of-factly, not that that was exactly applicable for ALL rom-coms or cheesy romance movies that made girls cry -- wanting the same storyline, but it was the best shot she has at the moment and she was shooting it, anything to keep Lisa there with her._

_“Yeah? Well… movies never show the main characters getting sick, with runny noses and annoying coughs right after?” Lisa reasons out with a look that says ‘try me’, silently wanting a debate._

_“Doesn’t matter, it’ll put people watching off. Characters are supposed to be immune to such things. Nobody wants to see the leading lady blowing into mounds of tissues right after a kissing scene.” Jennie counters._

_"Uhuh…" Lisa drawls that out, cocking an eyebrow. "We're not cha--"_

_Jennie leans up, silencing her, running her right hand into the mess of Lisa's hair and pulling her softly, making her moan._

_“I guess we can stay just a bit longer, I don’t mind…” Lisa whispers back._

_And maybe there's stars falling, fairy dust, and hearts popping up in the air all over them right now, and maybe it would feel surreal for some, but it isn't. It's real, she's there, she's feeling it and she can't be more thankful for this Lisa star that's hers now._

She feels like shit, not to tone it down, she feels like shit and she wants to cough so bad but tries not to. She almost chokes and doesn’t know if she should laugh or cringe. Jennie figures she was making too much of a fuss, because Lisa groaned.

“Shit…”

“Ice cream…” Jennie finds it incredibly cute that Lisa was sleeptalking. 

“What?”

“I want ishe cream…”

Lisa moves closer and Jennie squirms, she likes the touch and everything Lisa and cuddly but she was feeling so warm it was beginning to feel rather stuffy.

“Can we have ice cream?” 

Jennie almost squeals as she feels Lisa’s tongue against her warm neck. 

“Yummm…”

_Jennie figures they’ve been standing there like lovestruck fools under the heavy rain for what could’ve been five … ten minutes? Doing nothing but giggling, staring -- no, gazing… yes… gazing, kissing, then more intense gazing and Jennie was feeling so lightheaded right now she thinks she’s seeing constellations in Lisa’s eyes, or was that the beginnings of a slight fever? Hell, she doesn’t care._

_“Can we go back inside now? You’re shivering Jen-Jen, let’s get you all warmed up, yeah?” Lisa broke eye contact first, holding Jennie’s hands by the wrist and gently tugging her towards the open balcony door. Towards the darkness of her room._

_She doesn’t say no to this, nor does she protest in her seemingly cute way Lisa can never say no to. She follows and allows Lisa to hug her quickly before she sees her eyes roam the room for something to dry their bodies with._

_“A little help cupcake, towels?”_

_“Closet…” She nods over to the closet by the door and watches as Lisa skips over the carpet, smiling at the thought that she probably doesn’t want it to get wet._

_She comes back, with a smile and a towel wrapped around her shoulders, standing like a wet fool (her wet fool) in front of her with a huge grin._

_“May I?”_

_“If you want to…”_

_Lisa doesn’t answer that, she takes the towel and gently runs the towels against her shoulders down the length of her arm and back up._

_“If you get sick…”_

_“What?”_

_“Nothing…” She takes the towel back and tries to dry Jennie’s hair next, a more serious expression on her face._

_“If I get sick, what?” She tries again… this time, holding Lisa’s hand to try and get her to stop and focus on her instead._

_“I’ll hit you on the head for being so stubborn…”_

_“But that’s my line…”_

_“I know.” She smiles back and Jennie feels the same jitters inside her tummy working their way to her chest._

_“I’ll probably hit myself on the head harder though, for listening to you.” Lisa chuckles, shaking her head._

_She steps away and throws the damp towel on the wonky-looking chair._

_“Let’s not… Head hitting rights belong to me, and me only.”_

_“That’s cheating…”_

_“I believe the word you’re looking for is… unfair,” Jennie finds herself playing with the fabric of her dress, before continuing in a small voice. “But I can always share those rights with you… If you want.”_

_“Want to change into drier clothes?”_

_Jennie was about to nod again, only she had to find this the perfect time to sneeze. She doesn’t know how it happened, but she finds herself wrapped in another one of Lisa’s tight hugs, her hands running up and down against Jennie’s cold back._

_“We need to get you a warm shower… and fast.” She whispers against Jennie’s hair._

  
  
  


“You’re warm…” Lisa sounded groggy, voice still laced with sleep.

“That’s because we’re all bundled up…” 

“No, you’re warm… feverish warm.” She pulls away, trying her best to disentangle herself from Jennie’s body as gently as she could. Jennie hears the taut worry in Lisa’s voice and hopes to the Gods above she’s not THAT sick. 

Lisa places a hand on her forehead, hers creasing in turn. 

“You’re sick.”

“No, I’m not…” 

“Yes you are.”

“Look, it’s perfectly normal for the body to warm up after extended periods of being bundled up beneath heavy blankets and having a warm body right beside them.” She reasons out, trying her best to not let the growing panic in her to be too audible. 

“Jennie…” Lisa’s voice drops in a tone that makes Jennie look into her eyes, she has never heard this much commanding tone in Lisa’s voice before. “Ruby Jane…” She says it slowly, with long pauses in between names. “Kim.”

“What?” This time Jennie tries to feign innocence but knows fully well Lisa has caught on. 

“Why are you so stubborn?” Jennie feels weird, there was a hint of coldness in Lisa’s voice and she’s not liking it one bit. 

“I’m not?”

“I told you we should have gone in, the moment it started raining... “ 

“You were enjoying it too!” 

“See?”

“What?!” Jennie sits up, the action was too fast she feels the world spinning. She could see Lisa looking at her with a worried look. “You like that about me, right?” She added, reaching out to place a hand on top of Lisa’s own, somewhere beneath the blankets. 

“Not when it gets you all sick... “

“I’m perfectly fi--” Her whole body shakes as she coughs.

“Perfectly what? Hmmm…” 

“My throat’s just dry and --” She sneezes, wanting suddenly to bury herself into the blankets and not see Lisa’s look of disappointment. “Okay, okay… I’m sick. So what? Nothing a paracetamol can’t fix.” 

“Nothing a paracetamol can’t fix..” Jennie feels her cheeks warming up, not from the fever but at the awkwardness of the situation and Lisa’s poor attempt at mimicking her whiny voice. “Stay there. I’m making you a bowl of chicken soup.”

“Wha-- but… it’s three in the morning.”

“So?”

“My parents might …”

“Might what?”

“I don’t know… wake up?”

“And?” 

Jennie stays silent… She doesn't know what to answer, not for the lack of a good retort but she was beginning to genuinely feel woozy and a throbbing headache was working its way to her brain. She leans over, everything was beginning to tilt and it was getting harder and harder to focus on stuff around her. She can’t even remember how she suddenly has both of her hands on both ends of her temple, rubbing the headache away. 

“Hey… Here…” She feels Lisa guiding her back to lie down on the bed, and doesn’t understand how she was right beside her one second and on her feet on her other side bundling the blankets around her the next. “You try and sleep it off again. I’ll go find the kitchen and make you that soup... “

Jennie watches her go out into the stupidly bright corridors and watches the door close right after, wondering if she protested or didn’t or if she was already unconscious at this point. It was hard to tell from the stupid fever. 

  
  
  
  


_The water was warm, the kind of warm that made Jennie sigh and close her eyes, leaning against Lisa’s own warmth behind her. She finds tender hands massaging the knots in her back and it makes her sigh again. Something about it was relaxing and it made every sense of weariness that have crept up in her bones melt away at the touch._

_“Is it helping?” Lisa whispered against the bare skin of her shoulder, placing a quick kiss right after._

_“Mmmhmmm…” She was finding it hard to find her voice,_

_“How about this?”_

_Warm, nimble hands travel down her back, running little circles as she goes. Jennie finds herself reaching out, to her back and playing with Lisa’s wet hair, with Lisa resting her chin on the part of Jennie’s shoulder that dipped._

_Jennie finds herself thinking, how everything was both easy and hard. Everything fell perfectly into place and yet she’s afraid that the more perfect it is, the more there is a chance of her fucking it up, because that’s what she’s good at. Fucking everything up. She knows she shouldn’t be thinking of this, not right after what happened on the balcony… but she can’t help it. The flow of thoughts was becoming more and more present, despite her attempts at trying to focus on Lisa’s touches._

_She feels Lisa run butterfly kisses, tracing a little line on her back before continuing with the massage. It does little to help with the stream of thoughts, bouncing all over, carelessly inside her messy brain. Why she finds herself worrying or thinking about such things right now was a question she couldn’t even find in herself to answer._

_“Jen?”_

_“Hmmm?”_

_“Are you okay?”_

_Jennie flushes at the tenderness of the question._

_“Uhuh…” ‘no I’m actually drowning in thoughts right now… but you don’t need to know about that…’ she thinks instead,_

_Lisa pulls her closer, hugging her from behind and it makes Jennie close her eyes. Lisa’s whole being bled with comfort and she’d give anything in this world to find herself wrapped in it, hell she’d give the world over to find herself falling into it again and again._

_Jennie releases a shaky breath and thinks about the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens, thinks where she would be now if her drunk ass self didn’t write that email and sent that over to a weird ass email address that was surprisingly, coincidentally was just around the same city she was in. She thinks about the first ever email she received and smiles. Where would she be now? If Lisa wasn’t there? To pull her from the self-destructive thoughts and ways she was burying herself into, from showing her that it was… not so bad to try and live with the ghost of the past because everything about it made her complete. Where would she be now, would she even make it to this point? She takes Lisa’s hand and kisses the tips of her fingers, one by one._

_“Thank you…”_

_“Huh?” There was genuine curiosity in Lisa’s voice that Jennie found herself turning to face her, burying her face against her chest and hugging her tightly. She was becoming more and more of an anchor that grounded her when things got tough, and she wanted Lisa to feel that._

_She doesn’t say anything in return, because what words would convey the immense amount of gratefulness she feels towards this girl, what words would mean 'thank you for saving me from alive death,' but instead looks up to place a kiss on Lisa’s cheek instead, hoping her tears weren’t quite visible, mixing along with the warm drops from the shower head._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy everyone! 
> 
> So ... another update cause I was feeling guilty for not being as active as I used to be... no scratch that -- I miss being active :). Hope you guys like it, I've enjoyed the writing process for this one so much. 
> 
> Anyone want a Fix You playlist btw? LOL --not saying I have impeccable taste in music, it's more of maybe you guys wanting to listen to songs I listen to while I write? or nah? 
> 
> Anyways here's me sending lots of love over! Hoping everyone enjoys their day and everyone has an amazing upcoming weekend too. 
> 
> p.s. All of you matter, don't know who needs to hear that right now, but you do ... so much.. you're more than enough and deserving of lots of love and happiness! So smile... It'll make my day brighter and hopefully yours too. Take care everybody. <3 
> 
> pps shout out to the person who makes this a better fic, you know who you are. I really appreciate it.


	52. Not in the Mood for Veggie Drama

* * *

Lisa knows where the kitchen is...  _ sort of _ . She remembers it being right behind the staircase. She treads slowly, with soft light steps to make sure she doesn't make a sound but it doesn't matter, really, not when the carpeted floor cushions every step and blocks out all the noise. But it's better to be safe than sorry, right? Clearly, trying to look for the kitchen at 3am with Jennie's parents probably asleep, barefoot and wearing an oversized t-shirt wasn't the brightest of her ideas. Lisa knows this was a good idea though… chicken soup's the  _ best _ remedy for a cold -- her mother would always tell her that, and she knows that's what Jennie needs right now. Except… except she kinda knows it'll stay that way; an idea. 

Lisa descended the stairs slowly, trying to steal a glance at family pictures that adorned the walls and momentarily stopping in front of a baby Jennie picture. The lights were off and everything was in a subtle silver gray that made things look more luminescent, making everything look more toned down than it usually was. She chuckles at the fluffiness of Jennie's cheeks as she sat on the carpet, holding out a red crayon and a drawing of what seemed to look like a pony -- or was that a puppy? She moves on to the next one, taking one step down. This one was a quick snapshot of her and her … classmates? Probably classmates, Lisa thinks. In uniform as they ran across an empty school yard. It's blurry and fuzzy but she could tell which of the girls was Jennie and that made her stifle a giggle, not wanting to wake anyone up. She takes two steps in strides and finds herself admiring a university yearbook photo, framed by the foot of the stairs.

"Nothing ever changes, huh?" She whispers under her breath, noting the way Jennie smiled in pictures. Lisa realizes she's been distracted by all sorts of pictures, she finds herself seeing Jennie's brows furrowing and the brewing scowl that's waiting to spill in her head, to get her back on track. 

_ Soup… she needs to cook chicken soup _

The mahogany floors made no sound as she went off to search for the kitchen. She goes straight to where she remembers it to be and finds herself standing in the middle of a fully equipped kitchen. Something she's going to have a hard time with. 

"Okay… I got this. No pressure…" 

Lisa goes straight to where the oven is, standing awkwardly in front of it. 

"Why didn't I let dad teach me?" 

Lisa remembers all the other occasions her father has offered her a cooking lesson or two and all the times she thought of excuses not to. 

"Chicken… I need chicken -- well, of course, it wouldn't be  _ chicken  _ soup without it…" she mumbled, setting her eyes on the giant fridge off the right side. 

"Let's see… chicken…" her eyes quickly scans the inside and sees things she's not familiar with…"Nope, those are eggs… that's butter… do I need butter? Clearly not… that'll be greasy? Too many calories…and lots of  _ bad  _ cholesterol..." 

She picks up a can of mushrooms and dwells on the thought "Did mom's chicken soup have mushrooms? Yes? No? No…" she takes a quick step back and opens the freezer "where the fuck do they keep the chicken?" 

"Do they not eat chicken?!" Lisa wanted to pull at her hair, clearly there wasn't any chicken -- she saw what? Celery, cans of mushrooms, lots of eggs, carrots, a whole big ass cabbage, what else? She thinks the whole entire family of vegetables was crammed inside the fridge.  _ No wonder: a freaking vegetarian fam.... Would Jennie mind eating veggie soup instead? It's healthier… but not really savory? And she needs more nutrition right now? Would she kill me if I feed her greens? She wouldn't mind though, she loves being healthy… but the chicken… it's not the same without the chicken… Can she substitute eggs? Like… those are unhatched chickens, right?  _

"Maybe I could hard boil them?" Lisa runs her fingers through her hair and tries to figure out how to make a chicken soup work without the chicken. 

"Maybe… chicken stock's enough to make it taste chicken-y…. But wouldn't you need chicken to begin with to make that work?" She can hear the exasperation in her own voice. "Fuck! Shouldn't this be easier??" 

_ She guesses not. Not without the damn bird.  _

She tiptoes and tries to rummage through the freezer, seeing one large tuna and a pack of green beans almost frozen. 

"They have fish, but not chicken?!" She wonders what kind of diet Jennie's parents have for a bit…

"I saw carrots… that should work with the beans… maybe add in a bit of salt and pepper, some celery… oh! And that cabbage and hmmm… three boiled eggs?" 

_ No, obviously that'll taste like flavored water. Would it? God! Why is there no chicken?!  _

"What should a girl do to get herself some chicken in this household?!" Lisa takes one giant carrot off the vegetable compartment, waving it haphazardly in the air, brows furrowing. "It's not like chicken's unhealthy, right? I mean, I just want chicken… any part will do, okay? Legs, wings, breast, hell even the neck's fine!" She stabs the air with the carrot and finds it frustratingly funny talking to herself and being mad over a piece of frozen bird. 

_ She'd be drunk if she drank one shot for everytime she mentioned the word "chicken".  _

Lisa takes one sweeping look, grabs the pack of green beans that were frozen solid and seemed to be stuck to the surface of the freezer. 

"Great, I'm in no mood for veggie drama okay? Cooperate!" 

She hits it a couple of times with the carrot, gritting her teeth in frustration.

"Why. Won't. You. Budge?!" 

She pulled on the ziplock and tugged as hard as she could, dislodging it from the freezer and making her stagger back a bit. 

"Finally!!" 

She holds the packet in the air like a trophy, waving it in front of her face, sticking her tongue out. "No one messes with a pissed off Lisa," she whispers harshly. "No one, green peas, you hear me?" She takes her eyes off of them and walks closer, deciding on the can of mushrooms when she finds little wings sticking out from the back of the freezer.

"The chicken's here!!" She squealed, jumping up and down. "Oh shoot! Too much noise." Lisa placed the carrot and the green beans on the counter, giving the latter a cutting side eye before coming back to the freezer to take out the chicken. 

_ Thank God.  _

"Okay… so clearly this needs thawing…" she saunters back towards the kitchen counter and debates whether to keep holding on to it or risk placing it on the table.  _ Would they mind chicken juices on their table? _

_ Ewww no.  _

She tried to juggle the whole chicken in one hand and tried to open kitchen cabinets with the other, looking for a bowl large enough for the featherless bird. 

She sees one in a far off corner and reaches for it (with her long limbs). It's nestled too far into the cabinet that Lisa finds her fingers barely grazing the sides. She gives up on the seventh try and lets out a long sigh. 

"Now THIS is why I don't cook." 

Lisa changes the angle of her approach, tiptoeing to give her more reach and leverage. Trying to hold in her breath as she skimmed the edges of the bowl, finally being able to pinch the rim with her fingers and dragging it closer. 

"Gotcha!" 

She pulls a little too hard and sees the bowl flying off, hitting the floor, it's metal surface ringing out in echoes against the silence of the night and Lisa thinks her face scrunched up into a piece of crumpled paper at the noise. 

"Oh boy……" 

She stands still for a minute, blood rushing to her ears and her heart pounding against her chest. 

_ Was… was that loud enough to wake everyone up?  _

Lisa almost drops the chicken in her hands as the lights flooded the dark kitchen. 

"Lisa?..." 

_ Yes… yes it was, dumbass. _ She heard her thoughts in Jennie's voice and almost winced.

"What're you doing so early in the morning?" Jennie's father's voice was heavy with sleep and she wanted to melt into the floorboards. "Is that… chicken?!" 

She whips around and smiles awkwardly. 

"Mr. Kim! I… I can explain…"

Lisa was expecting an angry Mr Kim. Red to the neck, veins visible and a barrage of words about knowing and understanding where her boundaries should be inside the house and respecting those boundaries and knowing -- 

"Humor me?" He was laughing, doubling over. The action untying his bathrobe and exposing blue pajamas that made him look younger. "I'm sure there's a funny story behind you and that chicken…" 

"I … uh, was trying to make... Jennie some chicken soup." Lisa croaked. 

"What?" 

"Chicken soup, sir…Iwastryinamakechickensoup." 

"Oh. Can you drop the formalities? Makes me feel old, and slow down, child… breathe…" 

His gruff chuckles made Lisa release a heavy sigh.

“Why at this hour though?”

"Jennie's sick… I was tryna make her some good ole chicken soup."

“Jennie’s sick? She was alright just a couple of hours ago..?”

"She … she uh…" 

"She what?" 

Lisa fumbles,  _ how do you explain you were kissing his daughter beneath the pouring rain?  _ She takes a deep breath and tries again. 

"There's uh… there's  _ rain _ ." 

"I'm aware of the weather…what does that have to do with this?" 

His brows were furrowed and Lisa can't tell if he looked mad or amused or if it was both. 

"She uh… we…. We were…" Lisa was finding it hard to talk, her throat dry. "You see…"

"Well… obviously I can't, child. Help me." 

“Uhm. She just left the window open and caught a cold. Yes. She-- she left the window open. That’s what she did. Or… maybe I left the window open...” She makes a quick mental note to thank her brain later for this brave attempt. 

"Open windows don't cause colds Lisa… we both know that." He almost whispers, winking at her. "I won't tell anyone, I swear…" Lisa almost chokes at the silent understanding and wishes she was the chicken in this situation. She doesn't know which was more embarrassing; trying to explain the kissing or Jennie's father deducing the kissing. 

"But that chicken won't cook itself. Do you know what you're doing?" He walks closer, crossing his arms across his chest, cocking one eyebrow at the dripping chicken in her hands. Obviously it decided to get on with an early start with the thawing. 

"I uh… havenoideawhatimdoing." 

"You're doing it again." 

"Huh?" 

"I can see why Jennie likes you…" he laughs again and takes the chicken away from her, opening one of the cabinets and grabbing a bowl in another. 

"She…She likes people who can't cook?"  _ What a stupid question.  _

Mr. Kim runs the tap against the chicken and fills the bowl, leaving it there to thaw. 

"Has anyone ever told you you're amusing?" He moves towards the counter and takes one knife and a cutting board, handing it to Lisa.

“YEA--” Lisa feels the smirk magnify on her face remembering all the times she'd been called that and almost basks in pride. She looks up and meets Mr. Kim's eyes, seeing pure mirth and a hint of curiosity, making her realize the gravity of her answer.   
  
“Oh. Imeanno.” she quickly covers up. 

"Uhuh… well, since we're making chicken soup and you seem to be the kind who hasn't seen a kitchen your whole life. Let me teach you Jennie's favorite." He throws the carrot over and Lisa catches it, rather clumsily. "You know, cookie points? You know what they say… the key to a person's heart is through their stomach, and Jennie has a very meticulous one." 

"Come closer… can you mince the garl-- no, garlic won’t suit you tonight… maybe chop the carrots?" He gives her a quick smile and a pat on the back. 

Lisa nods along and begins to peel them, trying to make sure she doesn't let the knife slip. It'll be embarrassing losing fingers over a damn carrot. She sees him boil the chicken, adding in a pinch of salt and working on opening the packet of green beans, and placing in the corner for later. 

"So… Jennie tells me your father's a chef, why do you suck in cooking?" His laughter bellows out and he steals a glance at her as he waits for the chicken to cook. 

"Dad…Dad wanted me to․․." 

"And?" 

"I'm too clumsy for the kitchen."

He gives her a warm smile, Lisa can see the lines in the corner of his eyes and finds herself relaxing. 

"No ones  _ too _ CLUMSY for the kitchen. No one." 

"Not when you've burned too many eggs." Lisa laughs at the surprised look on his face. "I'm not too cut out for it, Mr.Kim." 

"Call me Mr. K, sounds cooler, right? Well … lucky for  _ you  _ Jennie’s great at it. But...we should get those cooking skills up to par, I don't want my daughter eating burned eggs for the rest of her life." 

Lisa whips her head and sees nothing but warmth in his eyes, "also, you're cutting the carrots wrong…" 

"Oh shoot." 

"It's fine Lisa, Jennie likes wonky looking carrots." 

"You're being biased." Lisa jokes back, working on ensuring the carrots were evenly sliced this time. 

"Maybe I am," he moves to turn off the stove and motions for the garlic and onion, asking for Lisa to pass the cutting board and knife. "I'll take care of these, don't want Jennie getting mad at me for making you cry… these," he motions to the onion "can be real assholes." 

"What can I do to help?" Lisa watches on as he expertly cuts and dices. 

“Hm… Let’s see… Maybe tell me what you like about Jennie?”

"Wha...what?" 

"Why do you like my daughter?" He answers back matter of factly.

"I… " 

"Don't be shy. Come on, this isn't a test." He smiles. 

"Well, she's…"  _ how does one answer that when everything's too overwhelming? _

"Am I too intimidating? I figured that would be Jennie's and her mother's department."

"No...no… it's just… I have too much to say and don't know how to say it." She answers with a small voice, looking away. 

“Start from easy?”

“She’s kind...”   
  
“Good enough, but that’s too general.”

“And loving....”   
  
“I bet she is…. Still general.”

"I like how she's so headstrong and that she doesn't back down from things even though things could get rough sometimes, I like how she's so vulnerable but still acts so strong despite of it, how her laugh does that little hitch when she's too happy, how she makes everything so worthwhile, how she tries...how she tries to understand even when everything's too hazy, how everyone and even herself thinks she's too wrapped up in darkness when really she's the source of light --” She’s so soaked in emotion that doesn't realize the soft look of amusement in his face as she cringes and chuckles at her own answer "She does this little smile when she's shy and reserved that does things to my heart and tummy. She … she's so drawn into thinking about herself as someone who's broken and it's wonderful seeing her realize that she's been wrong all along. I like how she's always the first runner up in everything she does. How she likes to throw and punch things when angered. The way she says ‘yaaaaay!’ when excited and how her eyes get lost behind her cheeks by then, the way she says 'shut up' and the way she makes me shut up." 

_ Pause _

_ Beat. _

_ Beat. _

_ Beat. _

“Oh.”

Lisa blanches, snapping out of her trance.  _ Did she just…Did she say that last bit out loud?  _

"Maybe, uh, we go back to being general and you spare me the details of this  _ shutting up?" _

"Right… uh…. Yeah…." 

"Can you pass me the extra virgin olive oil while you're being all flustered or am I going to spend the remainder of the morning cleaning up the mess I'm seeing in mind?" He chuckles and waits with an open hand. 

"Here." 

Lisa manages not to break anything as she does so. 

"You know what? Come here. You do the cooking, I'll watch and make sure we don't burn anything. This feels like I'm cheating by doing all the cooking." He scoots to the side and offers her the ladle. 

Lisa looks at it with half questioning eyes, reaching out gingerly, wondering if Jennie's father has lost his mind. 

"It'll be fine… pour some olive oil-- woah! Not too much! Yes, that's about enough." He watches on with a determined look and nods once. "Now add in the carrots, there, slowly… stir that around a bit. There you go! Now… let's add in the beans… be very generous. You know what? Pour in the whole packet…" 

Lisa concentrates hard on the steps and makes sure she follows everything down to the point. 

"Here, add these next." He hands over the onions "and these." Gesturing over to the garlic. "Just stir them together a bit, now we pour this baby right here." Lisa moves to the side to give him some space to pour the broth into the mixture. "So… now we wait for that to boil and we add in the chicken, smells yummy, right?" 

Lisa nods along, it does smell great and she's thinking of eating some of it with Jennie.  _ To help her, of course.  _

"Oh wait, we need to add these too." He pours in a cup of quinoa and watches the broth, waiting for it to bubble and for the quinoa to crack. "I used to make these for Jennie's mother, I guess it's a mother-daughter thing for them to like the same things." 

Lisa watches how he smiled, probably recalling fond memories.

"But a lawyer's job can get too busy, I end up being the one pampered. Don't tell her mother I like it so much though…" He moves to get the cooked chicken and adds it in. "Now we wait for it to cook." He whispers. 

If Lisa looked closely enough, she'd see the hidden mischief and boyish charm in his eyes as he waits for the soup to cook, trying to smell it and giving out appreciative hums. 

"This smells perfect Lisa, you're a natural." 

"Yeah right." She laughs along with him. 

"Let's get this all set up and you can both have an early breakfast in bed. Do you like apples? Or would you want an orange?" He takes two empty bowls from the cabinet. "Or maybe we should skip fruits? And you can have them later? Officially? At breakfast?" 

Lisa laughs and shakes her head. "We can have the fruits later, I guess. And we wouldn't need two bowls, I'm not that hungry." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah… yeah I am." 

"I don't want you getting sick too just cause you want to share…" 

She nods again, this time a little firmer. 

"I'm sure Mr. K. I'll have Jennie finish the whole bowl and get her to rest and drink lots of water. You could really go get that much needed rest. I’m sorry I woke you up..." 

"Good.”   
  
“And thank you so much for the masterclass!”   
  
“You take good care of my baby girl." 

"I will."

"I hope that's a promise Lisa." 

* * *

Mr. Kim insisted that she bring the soup over to Jennie while it's still hot, not listening to any of her concerns about cleaning up. 

_ "I'll take care of the kitchen in the morning, you go on up."  _

_ "But--" _

_ "No but's, you might break something. We don't want that. I'm kidding Lisa… but really go on and blow Jennie's mind away with your cooking."  _

_ Mr Kim nodded and went off, giving her a mock salute and bow and a small soft 'goodnight' and 'dont mess it up.' _

_ Lisa looks at the soup and wonders if she'll mess this up somehow or if she gets to do it successfully. She wanted to laugh at how she's fretting over a simple thing such as pouring soup into a bowl. Maybe it’s the added nerves. She’s cooked food for Jennie, after all. _

_ She takes the empty bowl and scoops the soup, careful it doesn't spill and shakily pours that into the equally shaking bowl. Hoping and praying it doesn't spill -- she doesn't want Mr. Kim to clean up her mess. Her elbow bumps against the counter and then she realizes she could place the bowl down on the counter for some balance. Only if this was a dance move…. She’d ace it with so much ease…. _

_ "Great…"  _

_ She looks around and figures she might as well help with some of the cleaning anyway and proceeds to putting everything that needs washing in the sink, throwing away the vegetable peels, and making sure everything was back in its original place -- hopefully she got those right.  _

_ "There… "  _

Lisa slowly opened the bedroom door, careful not to let it creak and wake up Jennie. She peeks in between the small crack and sees her breathing evenly, her chest rising up and down in a steady rhythm. She pushes the door fully and walks lightly, careful not to drop the bowl or let any of the soup spill. 

She places it on top of the bedside table where the Minnie mouse lampshade was on. 

"Hey, Jen-Jen?" She whispers lightly. 

The other woman doesn't budge. 

Lisa tries kneeling beside the bed, resting her face on the bed facing her. 

"Hey… I brought soup?" 

"Hmmm…" Jennie scrunches her nose and tries to swat her away. 

"Nini…" she pokes into her cheeks and tries again. "I made chicken soup." 

"You what?" She answers back groggily, one eye open. 

"I made chicken soup. How are you feeling?" 

"Ooof not good, but I'm hoping the soup makes me feel better?" Jennie whispers, this time with both eyes open. "I thought you don't know how to cook?" 

"There's always room for improvement…" 

"Why am I suddenly having this weird sense of dread?" Jennie laughs. 

"Hey! Do I really make that much of a shitty cook?" 

"With those omelettes? Yeah?" 

Lisa grimaces at the memory… 

"Okay, you know what? Just taste it… you'll love it." 

"Make me." 

"Seriously?" 

"Yup, make me…" 

Lisa pulls away to stand up, towering over Jennie who was looking up at her with a smirk. She doesn't want to resort to such measures but she's left with no choice. She jumps onto the bed and tickles her on the stomach. 

"Lisaaaaa!!!" 

"Shhhh … you'll wake your parents up." 

"StooOooOooOooOoop!" 

"Make me." 

She grins at Jennie who's thrashing about in laughter. 

"Oka...okay! I… I'll eat! Just… just stop!" 

"Good." 

She leans in to kiss Jennie on the tips of the nose quickly eliciting another squeal. 

"No!!!" 

"Wh..why?"

"You'll get sick too." She pushes Lisa off of her and pouts. "Why don't you make it up to me by feeding me instead, yeah?" 

Lisa almost stammers. 'I...uh… su-sure." 

She helps Jennie get comfortable against a pile of pillows and takes the warm bowl of soup. 

"Hmmm… you weren't kidding when you said this'll be good. It smells so nice." 

"It does?" 

Jennie nods, and Lisa loves seeing the excitement in her eyes. "Yup." 

"Here, open…" Lisa's careful to make sure nothing of the soup spills over, carefully dabbing at the corner of Jennie's mouth with a tissue she had along with the spoon. 

"Wait… how'd you know this is my fave?" 

Jennie sits upright and looks at Lisa curiously. 

"Lucky guess? I guess?" 

"There's nothing lucky about knowing  _ exactly _ what I like… spill."

“It’s nothing special though, just a regular store bought kind of chicken soup?”   
  
“YOU ORDERED IT?????????????????????”

Lisa pulls back a little, “What’s wrong with a store bought soup though--?” Jennie was burning through her being with a scary looking glare.   
  
“You seriously left me here all night,  _ in fever _ , to go and  _ order  _ chicken soup, Manoban?”

“Okay-okay-okay, calm down, no, I didn’t order it.” More glares. “You can check my phone?”

Glares intensify.

"...Those were the only things I could find in the fridge…" 

"I doubt that, mother likes to stock… the truth, Manoban?" 

"I uh… didn’t make it though.”   
  
“You ordered it.”   
  
“No! I didn’t, calm down, ffs sake!”    
  
“I just… you know, scavenger-hunted the ingredients --  _ especially the chicken  _ \-- you guys keep it hidden….and helped with some chopping...”   
  
“HELPED? Helped whom?”

“Uhm… had a little help from your  _ father _ ?" 

"You what?!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed I reaaaaally loved writing the Lisa-Mr Kim interaction in this chapter cause uwu. Lemme know what you guys think. 
> 
> Everyone take care! Wash hands throughly for 20 seconds... No touchy MEN (mouth, ears nose), avoid Crowded places, hydrate hydrate hydrate, stay healthy and safe, okay? I hope everyone's fine and everyone has an awesome week ahead. 
> 
> P.s. Everyone take caaaare, okay?


	53. Wonky’s My Trademark

* * *

“I don’t see the point in having to ask help from Dad… out of all the people?” Jennie looked away, trying to untangle the frown from her face that seemed to grow deeper by the minute. 

“I didn’t… He just happened to catch me in your kitchen… Maybe I looked desperate...” Lisa held her hands up in defeat, “look, can we forget about my inability to cook alone? Here, let’s get you to eat some of these and then you can drink something for the fever, okay?” She nudged closer, hitting Jennie on the shoulder with her own. 

“Well… I’m not really in the mood for soup now.” 

“What? Why?”

“Not hungry.” 

Lisa finds everything ‘Jennie’ cute but at the moment she wants nothing more but to knock some sense into her… in a soft, good kind of way. 

“Doesn’t matter if you are or not, you need to. Come on, have a couple of spoonfuls?”

“Nah-uh.” 

Lisa let out a soft frustrated breath of air, that Jennie didn’t seem to hear. If she did, then Lisa notes she’s very good at pretending not to. She figures there’s only one way of making Jennie eat soup and that she hopes she doesn’t die in the process. 

Lisa takes the bowl in hand and scoops a bit of soup onto the spoon, she hands it out to Jennie who looks at it with what she figures is the most bored out expression she has ever seen. 

Lisa takes a quick sip, trying not to grimace at the way the soup burned her tongue. She looks up and gives Jennie a huge grin.

“Delicious! Come on, your turn?” 

Jennie gives her a nod, probably acknowledging the simple fact or… just to spite her. Lisa cannot tell which is applicable.

“Oh come on, it’s not THAT bad… I mean, it smells great?”

“It does.”

“So… come on, say aahhhhhh.”

Jennie takes one look at the offered spoon and backs up to give her another lazy look. 

“Nah-uh…”

Lisa leans forward just a bit, blowing on the spoon and making sure it wasn’t hot. She takes another peek at Jennie who has a stoic look on her face that’s making Lisa restless. 

_ Okay… now’s probably the perfect time for operation Alpha. _

She leans in closer, looking at Jennie the whole time… making sure she gets a whiff of all the soupy goodness from the bowl. She sees a momentary break in character, a slight budge around the eyes, a quick breath that ended up with her licking her lips and a subtle peek at Lisa’s own face. She nudges the spoon closer and finally sees Jennie opening her mouth, leaning in to take a quick taste, except Lisa pulls it back and runs the bottom part of the spoon against Jennie’s nose, careful not to spill anything, leaving a visible streak of soup on her adorable nose and a surprised look on her face. 

“Wha--”

Before she could continue, Lisa leans in again this time a bit quicker, kissing the tips and licking the soup off of her. 

“What are you doing?!” She could hear the silent irritation bubbling.

“If you don’t eat, I’ll be as annoying as that the whole day.” 

“Is that a threat?”

There were traces of annoyance there, but Lisa could hear a smile -- knowing Jennie’s in the mood for fun banter… 

“Nope, just me being smart.”

“Uhuh”

“Come on Jen-Jen, eat some then we’ll sleep.”

“Okay okay, stop crying… here… ahhh.”

She opens her mouth, a hint of a grin on her face as Lisa blows on another spoonful before she takes it in one go.

“So?”

Lisa looks on, waiting.

“Hmmm?”

“Is it good?” 

“Yup.”

“That’s all I get? A ‘yup’? No -- this is awesome? This is delicious? This tastes wonderful?”

“You get a ‘yup’ for helping, babe.”

Lisa groans, giving Jennie a whipped look.

“I sliced the carrots?” 

“They were… uh… square, good job.” 

Lisa gives her another helping, and another, and another. Until the bowl’s half empty and Jennie hums a contented sigh, snuggling back into the pillows.

“You’re awfully silent.” Jennie chuckles, tapping on the space beside her on the bed before continuing, “Come sit next to me.”

Lisa places the bowl back on to the night stand and snuggles beside her. 

“Hey… are you mad?” Jennie’s voice was soft and it made Lisa think of whispers. 

“No.”

“Then why are you so grumpy?” 

“I’m not.” 

“Yes you are?”

Lisa doesn’t answer, she gathers Jennie in a tight hug and kisses her briefly on the forehead.

“You’re still hot.”

“When am I not?” 

“Not funny Jen-Jen…”

“Oops?”

“How are you feeling?” Lisa can’t help but sound whiny, not because she was (about the soup), she just tends to whenever she’s worried and it tends to spill over when it concerns a certain small person who can’t seem to take things seriously when it was about herself.

“I’m fine Lisa, the soup helped.” Jennie settled on the crook of Lisa’s neck and burrowed closer. Finding the warmth there to be more comfortable than a blanket. “Stop worrying so much.”

“Kinda hard not to…”

Jennie plants a soft kiss on the little patch of skin, right under her ear.

“Try not to.” the whisper made Lisa shiver, “and I'm sorry about the soup. I was just teasing you, you big baby… It was wonderful -- I ...loved the carrots” Lisa could feel her chuckle and pulled her closer, wanting no space between them. “Although… there were some wonky bits there…”

“Wonky’s my trademark.”

Lisa whispered, burying her hand into Jennie’s hair and softly massaging her scalp. Something to soothe her in the hopes she gets back to sleep.

“Uhuh…” She could feel Jennie relaxing and her breathing slowly and deeply.

“Sleepy?” 

“Hmmmm…”

“Goodnight?”

She doesn’t get an answer and Lisa tries to close her eyes and get some sleep in. 

* * *

“Hey ladies! Rise and shine!” 

The door to Jennie’s room flies open, hitting the wall with a loud  _ bang _ that made Lisa sit up, almost jumping off the bed, it rattled on its hinges and she was torn between wanting to shout and going back to Jennie’s side to cover her. With her back so straight and walk so stoic she'd pass as a ballerina, Mrs. Kim rushes over to the windows not even sparing a glance at them and pulls the curtains off, letting sunshine pour in. 

“Mom! You should try knocking? For once?” Jennie mumbles against the pillow “You’re giving Lisa a heart attack.” 

“I did, maybe you were too sleepy to have heard it.” 

Mrs. Kim talks in a high pitched voice that teetered into sounding like a bird when she seemed excited and Lisa’s finding it hard to follow through the conversation. 

“Come on, up you go. We’re having breakfast soon.” pulling the covers off of them, making Jennie groan. 

“Mom… give that back… Could you — like — be kind enough to give us some privacy?”

“Not in my house. You'll get it when you get married. Come on, your father’s about to leave for work. Let’s at least have breakfast with him.” 

Jennie answers back with another groan. 

“I expect you two to be down in five minutes.” she says with finality before she walks off towards the door, stopping to look back for a second, “and five minutes is five… not ten Jennie.” 

“Wow… that was, uhhh one way to wake up.” Lisa said through clenched teeth, trying to rub her arms to get some warmth back to her skin. 

“She always does that…” Jennie pushed herself off of the pillows, tying her hair in a messy bun, nudging Lisa off the bed. “And she’ll do more if we’re not there in five. So scoot!” 

“She wasn’t joking?”

“I wish she was…”

"Hey! Hey, how are you feeling though?"

"A bit of a headache? Think runny nose too… but I'm feeling much better Lisa… don't worry I'll get back in shape in no time."

Lisa doesn't have to squint to see how Jennie slided that off. 

* * *

Jennie runs out the door, pulling a groggy Lisa along as they skipped through the stairs. 

“Hey Dad!” 

“Hey honey...” Mr Kim was standing by the door as Lisa’s feet landed on the last step, Jennie running off to give her father a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

“Leaving already?”

“Yeah, got a new case I need to work on, I’ll be back home by dinner. You behave.” He kisses her gently on the forehead before looking at Lisa and winking at her direction. “G’morning Lisa.” 

“Good morning Mr Kim.” 

“You both run off to the kitchen, your mother’s waiting.” 

Jennie reaches up to give him another peck on the cheek before he disappears through the door, leaving them both standing awkwardly in the hallway. 

Jennie walks towards her, taking Lisa’s hand and smiling softly, pulling her towards the kitchen. “Let’s not have mom wait any longer.” 

Lisa nods. 

The kitchen island was filled with plates of food and fruits that were expertly crammed together, allowing just enough space for their plates. Lisa notes there’s grace on the table amidst all of the chaos. 

“Hi mom.” Jennie walks up to give her a quick kiss on the cheek before taking a seat by her right side, calling out to Lisa with her eyes to take the empty seat in front of her mother. 

“Good morning Mrs Kim.” Lisa greeted softly, there was… something in the air that didn’t sit well with Lisa. Mrs Kim was smiling tightly, the kind of smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Lisa wanted to shrug it off for something else, but she can’t help but notice Mrs Kim’s fingers subtly tapping on the counter. 

“Jennie… honey, are you feeling better?” 

Lisa takes her seat and almost chokes on Mrs Kim’s question, she tries to get Jennie’s attention but sees the frown on her face.

“I’m… I’m fine.” 

Jennie’s mother takes a quick sip from her cup of tea, looking at her daughter with eyes Lisa can’t read.

“And the fever?” 

“I-- how’d you know that?” Jennie stole a quick look at Lisa, an eyebrow arched in question before looking back at her mother who was smiling with the same tightlipped expression. 

“Your father told me.” 

“About what?”

Lisa wanted to barge in right now, anything… to try and explain the situation but something in Mrs Kim’s face made her sit with unease that made her throat dry and silent. 

“I'm quite disappointed at how careless you’ve been lately… no--I’m worried you’re falling back into the same patterns...” 

There was a shift in atmosphere that Lisa can’t help but notice. The dragging silence and how Jennie's posture straightened up, not meeting her mother’s gaze and absentmindedly playing with the table napkin. 

“Will this be one of your… “

“Mom!” Jennie’s outburst made Lisa flinch.

“Not now.”

"What not now— when then if not now? When it's too late? I come down in the morning to a perfectly cleaned up kitchen only to find a dozen dirty plates in the sink. Then your father tells me  _ Lisa… _ was  _ cooking _ a whole meal for you because you got  _ sick _ ? From the  _ rain _ ? I mean I understand an innocent sleepover, but you already have her cook for you like a married spouse? How many dishes till you dump her like all the oth—"

"That's enough!"

"J-Jennie what's… going on..?" Lisa finds a little voice in her to interfere.

"Nothing, let's just go."

"Not nothing! Let  _ me _ tell you sweetheart…" something in her voice sounded like thin ice. 

"Mom, please stop." Mrs. Kim quirks an eyebrow. "I brought Lisa home just yesterday. To meet dad and you. What are you doing?" Jennie’s fumbling with words, one word coming off heavier than the ones before them, like a heaviness in her chest wanted to break free. 

"So what, as if she's the first pretty face I'm meeting?" Mrs. Kim turns to Lisa staring right into her eyes.

"Do you  _ know _ how many boys and gals sat down on that chair for breakfast?"

"I said that's enough, mom!"

"Don't shout at your mother!"

"I don't understand…"

"There's nothing to understand Lisa, just let's go, come on." Jennie tries to slide off the stool, meeting Lisa’s gaze in silent agreement before one of her hands clumsily bumps onto the table. Lisa could see them subtly shaking, she quickly follows suit, when Mrs Kim interrupts, stone cold eyes staring straight into hers. 

"It won't take you too long to get your heart broken, Lisa…"

"Lisa, I said come on!"

"After Irene…" 

“Wait, what?” Lisa stumbles against the stool, trying to regain her balance but her mind focuses on nothing but the name….  _ Irene…she… she knows about her?  _

"I can't believe you're doing this to me! I hate you!" 

Jennie's shaking, seething with an anger that made her cheeks go red, her hands balled into fists. She takes one look at her mother, a dark expression on her face before she turns around to storm out of the door. The door slam makes the whole house shake, Lisa's insides too.

Lisa wanted to run after her but was inexplicably glued into place. Mrs. Kim made an unusual squeak with Jennie's last words and now Lisa could hear her take in shallow labored breaths, making Lisa look back and seeing her on the verge of crying. She takes one shaky step towards her, afraid that she’ll hyperventilate, the breathing becoming more and more shallow, one gasp after another. Lisa finds herself running to get a glass from one of the cabinets and running it against the tap. Finally managing to hand it over to Mrs Kim who took a sip as her hands shook. 

* * *

Lisa doesn’t know  _ how  _ it happened or  _ why _ , or hell, even the  _ what’s  _ at this point. She was sitting on the living room couch with Mrs Kim who seemed to be far too absorbed in her own thoughts than being  _ there.  _ She takes one quick glance at her hands, playing with the fabric of her shirt before looking back at Mrs Kim who had a far away look in her eyes and has been silently sobbing for half an hour by now, even after taking a sedative. She wanted to say something… anything at this point to try and help. But what? Someone would rather be needed to help herself at this point… When everything happened so fast she felt like she’d been hit by a truck. She tried clearing her throat, trying to take away the dryness that scraped the walls of her throat before she even realized Mrs. Kim was looking intently at her. 

"I'm sorry kid… I didn't want to hurt you. I never intended to… It's just… you don't know a lot of things and you're so young... I don't want you two falling into this rabbithole yet again. It'll damage you. That'll damage her. And the loop will never end." Her voice was drawn out, like a huge part of her inside was empty and hollow, filled with nothing but air that she breathed along with the words that made everything confusing. 

"I—… Mrs Kim… I know maybe it's too much to ask… uhm, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd explain to me what's wrong. Hell cause I'm really confused."

"Well, if Jennie hasn't bothered to do the explaining so far, then I'm afraid my doubts and fears are substantiated, kid." Lisa can’t bear to take her eyes away from Mrs. Kim’s glassy eyes that did poorly of hiding the pity beneath. 

"No. I mean. Please. Uhm, please try to explain it to me? Or I'll go crazy without Jennie needing to dump me for that."

A weird lump was beginning to form in her chest making it harder for her to stay calm and breathe evenly.

"Well, you know the full story about Irene as I figured… but she didn't tell you about the aftermath."

"She did. She did tell me how hard it was for her to cope…"

"She told you one side of the story. After Irene, she's been dating and dumping people every other day. It was becoming kind of like a natural habitat for her — the dark doomed gloomy loop of getting herself brokenhearted over and over again. She's been stuck in this vicious cycle and she hasn't recovered from that ever since. I just can't take this anymore. I'm a mother! Whose heart is aching for her only daughter. I can't see what she's doing with her life and with the lives of others she gets involved with and keep silent anymore."

Lisa feels pulled at, in all directions, like a wrung out cloth from where water was being drawn from, tighter and tighter until she finds herself almost choking. She doesn’t know what to make of the new information she was told and she barely understood everything running off in her head at this point. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so it took me a while... Work has been so so so so so hectic from the pandemic, but as I've said working on a better schedule for more timely updates. 
> 
> How is everyone doing with the quarantine? I just want to take the time to remind everyone to be kind to their mental health. All the stress and confinement may be doing numbers on ourselves so take the time to breathe and relax. It's better to have a hobby to help with passing the time. Talk and reach out to friends and see how they're doing get that much needed sleep. All in all take care of yourselves okay? Everyone stay safe! 
> 
> P.s. hydraaaate


	54. A Fucking Unhealthy, Sick Reflex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, you're not ready for this.

* * *

"I don't know what came over her to keep that part of the story in secret… and… and I understand where your concerns are coming from. But Mrs. Kim, I told this to Mr. Kim -  _ accidentally _ \- but I'll tell this to you too." Lisa reaches out instinctively, her own hands reaching out for Mrs. Kim’s, an effort to establish a silent connection between them two.

"I  _ love _ your daughter. Like… with all my heart, my whole being… and I know that whatever there is, lurking from the depths of her past that she's still coping against, I  _ know _ , I know that thing can't come between us. Because my feelings are reciprocated… She lashed out, I know, she said what she didn't mean to you. But I'm sure… I'm sure about this as I'm sure that my name is Lisa, that she really loves me back. And that it's not a game. It isn't. You'll just have to trust this one with me, okay? I’ll call her back home, we'll talk and we'll fix stuff and she'll come apologize to you. I may look like a 12 year old… but I'm not a kid. Not anymore. So please trust me on this one, okay?"

Lisa's voice sounded thin, like paper being blown at by the wind. Trying to hold Mrs. Kim's gaze, keeping her eyes from wandering all over the place. If anything, she wants to let Mrs. Kim know, that she means every single thing she just said, even if right now a part of her doesn't believe in half of what she just said. 

* * *

She tries to keep herself from making any unnecessary noise, shuffling around the house wondering where the hell Jennie ran off to. Lisa made sure Mrs. Kim was tucked away in her bed, hopefully sleeping all the frustration of the morning away. 

Lisa has spent most of her time walking from the kitchen to the parlor and back again. The walking didn't do much except make the thoughts inside her head more prominent, more there, when all she wanted was a moment of peace to try and piece things through. She walks again, this time back to the parlor where she tries to keep her mind from straying. 

_ Should she try and call her? Would she… would she answer her if she did?  _

"Pick up, pick up, pick up."

She says it again and again like a mantra. Each word cutting through the shrill ring.

"Come on Jen… pick up." 

She hears the familiar click and the end of the call. 

"Dammit!" 

Lisa tries again, each ring making it harder for her to think about stuff with a clearer head. She finds herself stopping in front of the fireplace, her attention on a collection of picture frames that graced the mantle. The picture stood out the most, not because Jennie's smile looked incredibly pretty… but because of the woman in the picture with her, smiling at the camera as happily as Jennie did. It looked like it belonged there, along with the others; a family picture where Jennie had pigtails on and was sandwiched between her parents holding a white dog, another graduation pic, one that looked like it was taken on a family vacation in another country… and, yet oddly enough (and not counting the weird knots in her chest right now) it looked out of place. Lisa runs a finger across the edges of the frame. Smooth and cold, before deciding to pick it up and taking a closer look. She feels the knot tightening and realizes who the woman in the picture is. She takes a small step back before placing it back where it belongs.

She sighs loudly, as the call ends with nothing but a click, she walks back into the kitchen and notices Jennie's phone by the table. 

_ Fuck _

It takes a whole minute before it registers in her mind and the next thing she knows she's running off towards the door. 

She finds herself trying to catch her breath, one deep breath after another. It calms her down long enough to stop herself from running completely away.  _ Jennie's probably out there, cold.  _ Lisa thinks about going back in to grab a spare coat with her and realizes she doesn't even know where to look for Jennie in the first place. She takes one long shaky breath that warms her lungs, closing the door behind her and hearing it click in place. 

She walks briskly. Not knowing where to go but somehow she finds herself walking towards the only place she's familiar with in this part of the city. They passed by it multiple times and she remembers, vaguely, the soft smile on Jennie's face whenever she looked out the car windows, as if seeing it for the first time. 

"Please be where I think you are…" 

She breaks out into a run, feeling the knots inside wringing out every heartstring into a jumbled up mess, making it harder to breathe. The heaviness weighs her down, just enough for her to think of every second that passes by as a second that takes Jennie away from her. So she runs, past trees and cars and people muttering hard against silent breaths as she weaves her way towards the bridge. 

"Watch where you're going, kid!" 

She stumbles on her feet, almost falling against a man in a suit with a cup of coffee who looked at her with muted disgust. 

"So...sorry, I… I got to go." 

She turns away and hears him grumbling things about being careful and minding where she goes. 

_ She should… if only she did.  _

* * *

She doesn't understand the things going on, she takes one tentative step forward, a choked up breath of relief falling short from her lips, before she finds herself stopping. 

_ She's here.  _

Jennie stared out into the blueness of the water, out into the space in front of her. She feels the heaviness in her chest grow in size, churning inside her gut, nauseating her as she gripped on the railings. Gripped it too tightly her knuckles were beginning to go white. It spinned and spinned until it choked her, drawing cold sweat, she felt the weariness cutting deep into her bones and she wanted nothing more but to lie down and close her eyes and see and think about nothing. There’s only one thing she fears at the moment. Lisa getting it all wrong in her head. The mere thought of possible consequences makes her head spin, so she holds on tighter.

Lisa feels the ground beneath her give way, the pounding in her chest drowning out the wind as she takes the image in front of her and realizes the knots were nothing more but an indication of her stupid fears.

She had her back towards her. Lisa could see how tightly Jennie was holding on to the bridge's railing, arms spread out, staring at the expanse of infinite water in front of her.    
  
Jennie was unmoving, Lisa fears she wasn't even breathing at this point and wonders if she even feels how cold the metal of the bridge's railing was to the touch. 

"Hey…" 

Lisa doesn't know how she managed to utter out a word when her mind was too jumbled up to even think of a coherent sentence to say. 

Jennie spins around, and if this was any other day Lisa would've found herself laughing at the way Jennie's mouth formed a perfect "o" and the sudden soft squeal of surprise that followed. Except… this wasn't any  _ other _ day, this was  _ the  _ morning of revelations she wished she didn't find out about. 

"Li...lisa?!" 

Lisa tries to smile, it's second nature by now. Smiling at the sight, at the thought, at the mere mention of her. She smiles and walks closer. 

_ What does she say at this point? The only other thing that comes to mind is ‘I love you…’  _

"I…" 

She falters, her voice falling off. 

Jennie looks at her curiously, wanting to say something but stopping herself, looking away and then back at her with wounded eyes that keep Lisa in her place. 

_ I … I think we should just forget about this whole thing and go home and cuddle and have hot choco and watch a movie or…  _

She tries again, but finds the words not leaving her chest and frowns at the thought that begins to snake itself into her mind. Something inside her shifts and she feels the hot, burning embers of the thoughts and the unvoiced questions come crashing in all at once, taking over any remaining sensibility inside her. 

"Is it true? What your mother said about…" she could see Jennie wince, "about everything?" 

Her voice was unfeeling, like a huge blank waiting to be filled in with answers she wants -- demands to know. 

"Lisa… I can explain--" 

"I just need to know if it was." She cuts her off, something inside her wanted none of the explanations. 

"Please, just hear me out?" 

She wanted to, but it's not what she needs. Lisa knows she doesn't want to know the whys behind it all, not now anyways. 

She stays silent and watches each emotion on Jennie's face closely, trying to search for something there she doesn't know.

"Can you cut the bullshit and just answer me? Yes or no?"

"Yes." 

_ There, plain and simple. _

She looked away, the knots were back but it felt different. Something about it coiled around her heart, burning through it, until she found it in herself, the honest realization that what she longed to hear was Jennie's soft "no."

“I really didn’t know that your trust for me was... Nonexistent.” The words came tumbling out before she had the energy to think through them. 

“Don’t jump into conclusions, Lisa.” Her words had a certain bite to them, a silent force that refused to back down and Lisa refused to listen to. Jennie turns away with a frown, Lisa almost laughs at her stubbornness, because that's what she's good at. Being too damn stubborn.

“I wasn’t intending to jump into anything this morning, when the ugly truths from Pandora’s box jumped out on my face either.” Every word was laced with a sarcasm she hated hearing on herself. 

“I… never wished for you to find out this way--”

“How did you wish for me to find out then? Huh? Jennie. Did you even consider telling me? Ever? At some point?” If it wasn't for the genuine curiosity that pulled at her, Lisa knew her words fell nothing short of a cold sarcastic remark that she hoped bit. 

Jennie turned to look at her, face scrunched up in a way that said she was hurt at the mere thought of Lisa not believing her.

“Of course I did?!” Her voice echoes out inside her ears, hears it ring against her temples, her own answer shrouding her mind with a layer of doubt she tried to shake.   
  
“Why is it then, that I had to be surprised with all that through your mom?”

“Why are you talking like that to me?”

She hated hearing the hurt in Jennie's voice but something… something inside her was unfeeling. “What do you  _ expect _ , Jennie?”

“I don’t know, maybe a moment for me to say what I want to say?”

“Why didn’t you trust me enough to tell me, Jennie. That’s all I’m asking right now from you.” Lisa frowns at the familiar feeling of tangled thoughts, hating how it always messed with how she takes in everything, “Am I-- Am I not enough?” she hated the way she faltered. 

“What are you talking about? I trust you more than I trust  _ myself _ .” Jennie took a step towards her but stopped, pulling herself back and wrapping herself in her arms, as if the mere action could warm up the building cold and dread inside her.    
  
“WHY then, Jennie.” She takes in a shaky breath and tries to breathe out of the nose to keep herself calm and her voice steady, anything to keep herself from shouting but finds each breath and each word becoming much louder than the one before it.   
  
“Because I DIDN’T KNOW HOW!”   
  
“Let’s see, how about the usual just laying it out plain and simple, as things are-- as thing’s used to be between us? Just fucking saying it as it is?” she spat out the words bitterly, unfiltered -- like how she figured the truth should be. 

“I don’t really get it Lisa, why is the number of my past relationships so important to you anyway?”   
  
“JENNIE. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. What are you saying? I don’t fucking care about any numbers??? I don’t really care about the past, and I wouldn’t even care to know anything from there if it weren’t being the thing dragging you down in the first place.” Lisa runs a shaky hand through her hair; short quick breaths did nothing to calm the exasperation that spilled in her voice and fired the stream of words she had little to no control over. She bit her bottom lip in an attempt to stop, cutting through the flesh and doing nothing to help. “All I care-- All I care about is the present we have together. But if there isn’t any trust in it for us, then how are we ever supposed to go on with it? I thought we had been long over it, but turns out we weren’t even quite there!”   


“Why won’t you listen to me! It’s  _ not  _ about trust. It’s never been about trust. It’s about me -- not being able to handle my past well -- being fucking scared? And exhausted? And afraid every other person would just leave me if I didn’t leave them be first. And you know where they end up when they have to deal with me. DEAD, Lisa. They end up dead!”   
  
Lisa takes a step back from the intensity… from the evident pain in Jennie's voice that takes her by surprise. She feels the weight of the words weighing her down, cutting little pin pricks in her heart as Jennie's voice cracks.   
  
“Jennie… I thought we’d talked about this? God, Jennie, why wouldn’t you just talk about this with me?”

“I COULDN’T FIND THE COURAGE FOR IT IN ME! If you want to know the truth, I wouldn’t even want to remember all that myself, let alone telling you about it. It’s the ugly parts of me, that I  _ don’t  _ like. That I HATE, that I  _ despise _ \--”

“I loved the darkest places of yours, Jennie. Even when I didn’t really know you. I did. And you knew it.”   
  
“WELL THEN I DIDN’T WANT TO ADD UP TO IT! Maybe I thought there was enough of my darkness clouding it all? Maybe I thought  _ I  _ wasn’t being enough? The bright parts of me? Not enough? To match yours?” she drops to a crouch, holding her hands up to cover her ears to drown out the senseless thoughts that made it harder for her to get her explanation across. 

Jennie's words echoed out, falling heavily as she shook. A desperation that cut through her heart, as she sobbed. She wanted to turn away and hide, not wanting to be  _ so  _ vulnerable but couldn't find it in her the strength to. The words tumbled one after the other -- out in an anger that left her tired and sobbing and just… breathless.   
  
“Jennie…”   


Lisa reaches out, with a certain tenderness she lacked before when all  _ this _ started, a certain tenderness she wanted Jennie to feel. She wanted to come closer but Jennie continued with an unmeasured look of hurt that stopped Lisa in her tracks, as Jennie continued.    


“A reflex. A fucking  _ unhealthy _ ,  _ sick  _ reflex, Lisa, That’s what it was. Stopping me in my tracks whenever I thought I was making any progress. Punching me a hundred steps back to compensate for a single step forward. Always punching me back...”   
  
“Jennie, please… Please it hurts, it really does.”

Jennie had a glassy look on her eyes, something that gave away the reality that she's not really there but trapped inside her thoughts of the past instead. “It does, right? Well that’s what I’m saying Lisa. It always hurts. Being near me hurts people. You know what, maybe you should back away.”   
  
“What??? So  _ I AM _ in fact just another one in your chain reaction of toys? You wanna get rid of me too? Huh. Oh my god, so your mom was right? You’re really doing this with everyone?” Lisa finds an irrational anger burn through her, clouding her mind with baseless thoughts, forgetting everything Jennie has worked on to explain to her. 

Jennie looked at her with the same glassiness from moments before, the kind that swirled in the eyes and clouded out the present, preventing Jennie from being fully there, with Lisa, at this moment.    
  
“Answer me!”   


Jennie doesn't answer, just stares off at the nothingness in front of her...before finding her voice. “I’m a lost cause anyway. There’s no hope for people like me.”   
  
“So what now. We done? It’s finished? Is that what you’re saying? Are you gonna get rid of me just like that!?”   
  
“I’m not getting rid of you, Lisa… I’m ridding myself from you.” Jennie gets up, shakily, wiping her teary face with an elbow. No longer trying to find a certain sense of balance both inside and out, she figures it doesn't really matter at this point.    
  
“DON’T DO THIS TO ME, JENNIE!”   
  
Jennie walks away, not even a glance back at Lisa whose calls drowned out the city's noise. Walks past everything into the darkness in front of her.    
  
“Jennie!”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loved it? Hate it? Let me know? Hehe 
> 
> Also hope everyone's doing well. Stay safe and healthy! 
> 
> For anyone who's having a hard time mentally, please don't hesitate to reach out to friends and family.


	55. Dulling Down to a Whisper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give it a listen: https://youtu.be/rEXhAMtbaec
> 
> 😊😊😊

* * *

Lisa doesn't have to think about it; running off to catch up with her, her own body had worked out a habit of acting on its own when it was about her. The more she tried to catch up with Jennie, the farther the distance between them grew. It's not something to wonder at, it's a no-brainer she thinks.  _ She messed up _ , plain and simple. Lisa messed up, and it took her a second or two to realize that as she looked at Jennie running off, away… _ from her. _ She's had a few stumbles and her breathing came in short, sudden gasps that made her lungs hurt and her heart to pound inside her chest from trying to cover the distance Jennie was so intent in trying to create between them, because she knows even though she tried hard enough, legs surging forward -- that she can't physically catch up. Not when she's this jittery and nervous and all sorts of clumsy.

"Jennie!"

Jennie hears her but doesn't stop. She goes on, running, unthinking. There was nothing to think about, and if she had the time to be honest with herself at this point;  _ she CAN'T think _ . 

"Did you really think I'd let you run away from me like that?" Lisa feels the shout coming from inside, with as much force to it as she had on the running. Her voice intensifies with each step of more distance between them. Only noise can fill up that space now. It scratched her throat, making her flinch but she doesn't fucking mind, she just wants Jennie to stop.

"I won't let you be alone by yourself --” she has to breathe her lungs out, “ -- on the streets at night, run all you want!" She tries again, she feels the anger and unrest rattle her bones and sees that it did little. If anything it left a nasty aftertaste in her throat that made her regret sounding so gruff.

"You know I'm faster than you, right? Long-legged Lisa will catch up! Just wait and watch!" She tries the third time, making it sound all light-hearted. Giving off a funny sounding chuckle that she hoped this was a game and that would be enough to make Jennie at least give her a quick glance back.

_ Come on…  _

"Jen, I screwed up, I’m sorry! Just wait up, please, I'm begging you to stay in place." Lisa doesn't care if she sounded helpless at this point, if the weariness she feels inside leaked out into the words and made it sound desperate. "Just please, stop!" She crouches, hands on knees, torso bulging up and down breathlessly. 

Lisa almost stumbles again, trying to shake off the annoying hiss that was increasing in waves inside her ears. It makes her temporarily lose focus, the tears, and the growing static noises makes it harder to keep her eyes trained on Jennie's back, afraid that if she looks away she'd lose her silhouette amidst the darkness. 

_ I’m losing her, I’m losing her, I’m losing her… _

“Jenjen… please.” It comes out as a whimper, more for herself than it was for Jennie. 

The drops came falling all at once, the moment she looked away her gaze shifting to the ground -- at the distance between them. Huge drops of rain that made her feel heavy and her steps sloppy. 

Lisa stops, staring at Jennie's back, realizing that there's only one thing she has to let out at this point. One thing she needs to get off of her chest. 

"I love you!" Standing straighter and breathing in as deeply as she could. Lisa shouted, pulling the words from inside her being.

The rain on Jennie's skin was nothing short of a pleasant surprise, bringing back a sense of feeling she was missing ever since the talk at the bridge. It makes her stop in her tracks momentarily, just a few seconds for her to try and get the same grip on herself. The words echo out against the rain, making her look back. Her breath hitches and she finds her breathing slowing down, washing her with a calmness only Lisa's eyes could pull from the messiness that clouded her mind. She holds her gaze and for a minute, everything around them dulls down to a whisper and all that she hears is the silent plea's in Lisa's gaze and the softness that comes right after when Lisa smiles back at her. Jennie falters, most of the anger and confusion ebbing away with the rain. She takes a shaky step back and holds a smile as Lisa pouts. Her eyes scream  _ come back,  _ and Jennie finds nothing inside her to deny her of that simple pleasure. 

"I love you so much! So so much -- more than everything and anything and I'll literallydieifyouleaveme."

Lisa's words come tumbling after each other like little raindrops pattering on the ground. Jennie looks away briefly, focusing on a piece of rock by her feet. It’s painful seeing Lisa like that.

She was drenched, and shivering, and little drops of rain fell from the tips of her nose. Jennie hugged herself to try and keep at least a sense of warmth around her that might help, instead she's taken back to the night before. Back to where she thinks everything was easy, and warm and innocently sweet. 

It crept up, like the heaviness that settled in her chest making her want to cry. Like a blown out blanket, it drapes over her, settles around her and she finds herself gasping after each sob. 

She looks up, searching for Lisa's eyes, finding them on her. Always on her. And she cries harder. The gaze is soft and welcoming like the kiss she had on her forehead, and even though the rain was making her shiver she feels a growing warmth inside that made the sobs die down to a soft, small whimper. She closes her eyes, and finds herself remembering the broken pieces of the silly song Lisa sang, the subtle warmth on each tip of her fingers Lisa's lips grazed against. 

She finds the weariness too much, the only thing keeping her on her feet was the certain way the rain on her skin made her think of Lisa's subtle caresses and soft whispers of adoration that sometimes made her want to roll her eyes. Just cause she finds it rather endearing, and Jennie Kim knows no other way of showing just how much she enjoys it but by making it seem she was uninterested. She runs a shaky hand through her drenched hair, bits of it sticking against her forehead making her want nothing more but to bury her fingers into Lisa's hair where it always seemed to find a certain sense of warmth.

Lisa shifts her weight, running her hands up and down the length of her arms. It does little to no help at all, because she wants nothing but Jennie's arms around her to drive away the coldness that seeped into her chest. Nothing but Jennie's embrace to steady the continuous pounding that rattled her ribcage and settling the little trembles and murmurs that came plaguing her heart every time she stole a glance at her. She feels the shaking becoming more subdued, and her breathing more steady everytime their eyes meet for a brief moment before Jennie looks away and Lisa is left with an emptiness that makes her want to reach out. 

An emptiness she longed to fill with small kisses against Jennie's temple and little whispers of Iloveyous and Imsorrys and her fingers searching for Jennie's own and fully erasing the space between them by holding them against her lips and kissing every tip, a soft one against her palm, another on her wrist, and quick one on the tips of her nose and a long, steady I'llstayherewithyou as she steals another one on her forehead. She longs to feel Jennie's smile against her chest when she hugs her tight, and wishing for nothing else but another opportunity of singing to her against the rain and looking at her, memorizing every dip, every crease and every small nuance that makes her her. The slow growing smirk that touches just the sides of her cheeks and the nofair's and thatsmyline's that come right after before she turns away and waits for Lisa to coax her back to her embrace because… she was like that… pushing everyone away just cause she wants to be pulled back in and Lisa longs for nothing else but to do just that. Pull her in and never let go. 

Lisa's thoughts come to a pause and she's thrown back to the here and now when she sees Jennie falter, she takes a tentative step forward and another one when Jennie closes her eyes, hands on her temples trying to rub away a headache that crumpled her face.

“Babe!”

She sprints the moment she realizes how incredibly  _ stupid _ she was for not remembering Jennie still had the fever from last night. She blinks and Jennie's in her arms. 

"I'm here, love…" She whispers against Jennie's hair. "I'm here. I got you."

Jennie mumbles something under her breath Lisa could barely understand. Soft, incoherent whispers punctuated with countless soft, rushed and missing kisses all over her face Lisa hoped settled any worry or pain that made Jennie whimper.

"Shhhh. Let's get you home…" 

Jennie looked disoriented, and nodded weakly along. Lisa hoped she heard and understood her. 

"We're going home…" she gives Jennie a small smile, her voice a little firmer -- hiding the quiver that gave away how scared she really was. 

Lisa took Jennie's right hand and swung it over her shoulder, hoisting her up gently. Taking one careful step at a time, most of Jennie's weight against her. 

"We'll be home soon…" she promised. Lisa half drags, half walks for the both of them. Careful she doesn't, in any way, put any pressure on Jennie. 

They reach the edge of the road and Lisa calls for every single cab driving by. 

Jennie shivers and Lisa holds her closer, running her hand up and down Jennie's cold arm. She takes Jennie's hands and blows on them, keeping them warm with her breath as she waits for an empty cab. 

She sees one slow down, and she tries not to get impatient, calling out the attention of the driver to where they're standing awkwardly drenched by the road. 

It stops right in front of them and Lisa almost glares at the driver as she fumbles with the door with Jennie by her side. She manages to open it, and gently helps Jennie get on. She runs off to the other side and sloppily takes the seat beside her. 

“Kids these days…”   
  
"If you could turn the heaters on, kindly." She manages a breathy sentence.   


The driver grumbles something about his seats and floor getting wet and possibly charging them double but it falls on deaf ears, Lisa shrugging off her annoyance and instead made sure Jennie was seated comfortably. 

Lisa pulled her into a hug, wrapping Jennie in her arms and ran circles against her back. 

"Never ever run away from me like that, you!" She whispered against her warm forehead, her right hand buried in Jennie's hair. 

"And being sick! Got me scared to death." 

The rain drummed against the cab and the silence was replaced with the loud  _ whoosh whoosh  _ from the wipers. Lisa stared blankly outside the car windows for a minute, seeing nothing but their own reflection on the fogged up glass. The soft rise and flow of Jennie's chest pulled at her attention and she looked back on her delicate face that was beginning to look more pale. She wanted to place a kiss on her cheeks but stopped midway, maybe she’s not allowed to.

“You didn’t mean all that, did you.”

Lisa's eyes trace the red light reflected on Jennie's face. From the tips of her eyes and stopping just above her chin. Lisa whispers a quiet I love you, drowned out by the cabs engine as the traffic lights go green. She takes Jennie's hand between her own and rubs lightly, trying to put as much warmth as she can. She continued for a couple of seconds before Jennie's other hand reached out for hers and held on. Lisa doesn't notice, running little circles on Jennie's skin, too caught up with the jumbled scribbles in her mind. 

She leans in slowly and kisses where the light kissed Jennie on the chin and tries hard not to let the tears fall. 

The trip back home was taking longer than usual, rain usually meant more traffic and Lisa was worried about the growing shivers Jennie had. She looks up just in time for her mind to register that they're passing by a clothing store. 

"Sir! Can you stop the cab!" 

The cab skid to a sudden halt, the tires screeching against the wet asphalt. 

"Jesus! Kid! Are you trying to kill us?! You said 51st street! We're not yet there or do you want to walk the rest of the ways home cause be my guest?" 

"I uh, need to get into that store." Lisa fumbled with the door. 

"No, you ain't bringing back more water into my car!" 

"Let me out now or I'm not paying, old guy" Lisa said through gritted teeth. 

They had a brief stare off, before the driver unlocked the door, muttering something about kids no longer respecting their seniors. 

"Hey! And make sure nothing happens to Nini while I’m gone, cause I’ll kill you." Lisa deadpanned, not caring about the ice cold rain.

Lisa runs off towards the store entrance, no longer bothering with skipping through puddles. She's soaked anyways. The faster she gets it, the better.

“Give me the cardigan on the mannequin, please!” she said through breaths, staring at the clerk with unwavering focus. 

“Oh no, this is wool, it’ll sting. Give me something similar that’s 100% cotton.”

"Look I don't have all day, and you're dripping on the counter." The clerk said through bubblegum. 

“Can y’all please stop being rude while my girlfriend is literally  _ drenched shivering  _ in a cab and be nice and sell your stuff? Yes and thank you!” Lisa stuck her finger out, jabbing the clerk on the shoulder. 

“And keep the change. For the dripped-on counter.” Lisa barely had the words out when she grabbed the piece of clothing and sprinted off to the cab. 

"You’re paying triple, kid." 

“I’ll pay quadruple if you promise not to say anything the rest of our way, thank you.”

The driver grumbles but doesn't say anything in return. 

Lisa wraps the cardigan over Jennie and hugs her for extra warmth. Wanting nothing else but the shivering to stop. 

* * *

Jennie’s completely knocked out when they get there. She pays the driver and tries to manage a way to gently get her out of the cab.   
  
“Why would you fall asleep right now, Jenjen”   
  
“She was Lisaying all the while you were gone to the store. Hope you’re said  _ Lisa _ , or else I’d need to call the police?”   
  
“She -- called my name? Why didn’t you tell me earlier, grumpy old man?”   
  
“Rules remain rules. You asked me to stay silent” he shrugs.

With that Lisa dismisses him and focuses on carrying Jennie home.

* * *

Lisa looks for a towel to dry her hair off the moment they set foot inside Jennie's room. Ruffling her hair as she tries to swiftly dry them off.    
  
“Alright Jen, now we’ll need to get rid of those damp clothes, okay?”   
  
She helps her on the bed and takes a step back, her mind racing with a thousand thoughts simultaneously.

“Now why would you do this to me! Come to your senses right now and tell me if I’m still your girlfriend or not so that I know if I can change your clothes  _ with  _ or  _ without  _ shutting my eyes!” Lisa half whines and half pleads, debating whether to get her out of her clothes before she gets sicker or she waits it out which is actually a very stupid idea right now. But then she needs permission, or she doesn't? 

She’s genuinely expecting an answer for a hot second then gets all impatient and closes the case.

“To hell with it, you can break up with me tomorrow. I’m your gf today! -______-” she says with finality, storming off to strip her of the wet clothes and throwing them on a heap on the floor. 

She gets Jennie changed into her PJs and grabs her favorite nightie for herself. After getting rid of all the rain consequences, she sits on the edge of the bed and tries to wake Jennie up.   
  
“Jen. Jenjen. Ms. Mandu Cheeks. Ms. Grumpy Cat. Mrs. future Manoban.  _ Oh god, who am I kidding, she’s gonna force me into changing my last name… Lisa Kim doesn’t sound so bad after all...theoretically... _ Mrs. Kimanoban. Open your eyes, princess, you have to take a pill.” she nudges her, hoping it was enough to get her to open her eyes at least. She leans closer, gently cupping her cheek and making her face her. 

Jennie's eyes flutter open, instantly making Lisa dumbfounded and almost jumping from her side of the bed. She grabs the water and hands over the pill, silently coaxing her to drink it. She shifts on the bed, as she watches Jennie take the pill from her outstretched hands and down it with water. She suddenly can't blubber anymore.   
  
“Uhh… you cold?” there was a tentativeness in her voice she tried to brush away. 

Jennie simply nods in response, her eyelids half closed. 

“I’ll get another blanket then,” An excuse to divert her gaze from her.

Lisa goes off to the closet pulling her phone out to call Mrs. Kim briefly and to tell her they were back and that Jennie's safe. She hears the familiar click after a tirade of areyousures and keephersafes. Grabbing two blankets and running off back to the bed. 

By the time Lisa's back, Jennie has fallen asleep again, so she covers her with another layer of blanket, before deciding on lying next to her keeping a respectable distance between them, because she figures Jennie might want her space. She bundles herself with her own blanket, trying to fall asleep despite the cold that seemed to settle between them. Lisa nudges closer, just enough that her warmth reaches Jennie and keeps the troublesome shivers at bay. Lisa lies awake the majority of the night, listening to Jennie's soft breathing, only falling asleep when the clock struck past midnight with a dozed off Jennie tumbling into her embrace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Everyone ready for the next chapter? 
> 
> How's everyone? Hope you and your family are safe. Everybody stay safe okay? We'll get through this.💚


	56. Willing Light

_Cold…_

_Everything about it is cold, and damp, and…_

_Jennie takes another labored deep breath, the one that fills her lungs with a surge of air, that shakes her insides and swirls like a cloud, except ...it does nothing but suffocate her._

_Dark…_

_She blinks, walking tentatively forward...or is it backwards? Or…_

_The coldness feels …unreal, it seeps in between her toes and works its way gradually, creeping until there is nothing_ **_but_ ** _the coldness._

_She tries to concentrate, tries to drown out the ringing in her ear. For a while, she drifts in and out, never fully there. Everything is still spinning. She tries opening her eyes_ , _and realizes that her eyes aren't closed but the place… dark._

_Her breathing is beginning to come in ragged gasps, short, quick breaths that do nothing but fuel the pounding in her chest and the nausea that makes the thinking hurt. She tries taking another step, slipping on the damp asphalt._

_Since when was she walking barefoot?_

_There is a spinning in her chest, like smoke that swirls, cold and heavy, that spills out into her throat and makes her palms clammy and the breathing even more difficult._

_She is running now, the darkness is suffocating and every step makes her cling to the warm, sleek walls that feel oddly comforting._

_She keeps on running, the ringing in her ears growing, drowning out the pounding in her chest and making her claw at her throat._

_Why is breathing so difficult?_

_She blinks again, in what she thinks is a futile attempt at willing light, anything at all to take the darkness away._

_Why is everything so fucking dark?!_

_Where the fuck is she?_

_She tries to walk again, careful, not to slip… trying to even out her breathing and finding her walk grow brisker with each step, faster..._

_She's running out into the same darkness in front of her._

_She slips and finds herself tumbling into nothing, into a limitless darkness that spinned and spinned._

_She tries to scream; everything…is slowly slipping away._

_The cold_

_The ringing in her ears_

_Jennie cannot hear her own screams._

_Numb_

_She's starting to feel numb_

_And a different kind of fear and panic worms its way inside her._

_She screams again and again, grating inside her throat._

_She sees her reach out, grabbing her by the wrist and for a minute everything stops. Jennie reaches out with her other hand but finds the hold slipping. She scrambles to reach out but every try feels farther, every scream for help falls flat and hollow against the darkness._

_The hold completely slips and she's tumbling further._

_No!!!_

Jennie jolts awake and there's nothing but the pounding of her chest filling her ears, and the rapid gasps that compete with the beating -- filling her lungs with warm sweet air making her choke on unshed tears. For a quick minute she forgets where she is and takes hold of the first thing she could grasp, something to tell her she's not completely off the edge. 

She feels Lisa stir beside her, a light dip on the mattress and a grumbled _hmmmm_ made her turn her attention towards her. She sees the steady breathing and knows she's still quite asleep and for a moment Jennie debates on nudging closer…or pulling her in a tight hug. On impulse she tries to reach out and play with her bangs, except she finds Lisa’s hand on her own, holding them in between, tucked away safely in the same warmth she's longing to feel. She fights off a smile for thinking that such a gesture settled most of the fears that the nightmare brought along with her. But then the memories of the day flood back and drown her in guilt, and so she stops herself when she sees her eyelashes flutter, her forehead creasing for a second before it softens to a look that makes Jennie look away.

“Jen?” her voice is still heavy with sleep. Lisa notices her uneven breathing, something about it feels off. She turns on the lamp to try and get a better look and sees her face in cold sweat. “Hey, hey… what's wrong?”

Lisa realizes she's staring a little longer than usual, and tries to shift her attention to their entwined hands instead, only… this doesn't seem right after what happened and thinks about pulling away if it makes Jennie awkward or… should she just let it be and pretend she doesn't realize it either? She looks up and sees a frown on Jennie's face and she squirms under the gaze.

“Uhm, I just… Youcanbemadatme for sleeping in your bed tomorrow, deal? Or… would you like me to leave now? I’d be on the couch.” her voice came out uneven, hell, everything right now about her feels uneven at this point. 

"It's just that... urgh, I asked!” She shuffles her weight on the bed. Jennie had an empty look on her face that was making her panic. “I asked you and you weren't quite there to answer and so-- god I should really shut up, this isn’t about me right now." Her voice hitches, and she realizes a little too soon that she's almost spitting her thoughts out by the time she's finished rambling. She doesn't get an answer nor anything of the sort that tells her to _go away_ or to _leave_ . It isn't much but it’s enough to settle the nervous flutter in her stomach even though everything right now feels off and weird.  
  
“What was that all about, is it the fever?” Jennie’s still looking at her and she knows if it were the fever she’d look away. So it must be something else entirely.  
  
“It was a bad dream, wasn’t it.” Her forehead creases in worry and Jennie finds the thought amusing; how well Lisa knows her and how it was so easy for her to read through the subtlest of nuances. She looks on unseemingly, watching the worry on Lisa's face grow deeper the longer she stays there unmoving and expressionless. 

“Water?” She looks for any hint on Jennie's face, except the only things she's met with is an empty look she can't read. Lisa fumbles a bit before reaching for the glass of water that's always kept on the bedside table and hands it out to Jennie, who surprisingly takes it without question. Their hands graze briefly, a quick flutter of skin on skin and Lisa's hands fumbles at the exchange, making her look away "I...uh… didn't mean to.. it's uh… _sorry."_ Lisa blurts out the apology in an attempt to try and cover the brief slip up on her part. “And..uh…here too,” handing out a towel instead with shaking hands. 

“Uhm… you’re not talking to me? You’re not talking to me.” Lisa shifts to look at the bedroom door, trying her best to keep her gaze focused on the chiseled wood, anything to keep herself from looking back at Jennie.

“I guess I fully deserve it cause I’m an assholewholetyougooutalone, and shoutedatyou and leftyouundertherain and madeyoucry and--”

“Okay, maybe I should shoot for the couch...” She peeks at Jennie, hoping for anything and finds the same cold expression on her face, staring at an invisible point in front of her.

She turns on her heels to leave, walking for a couple of steps before stopping on her tracks -- waiting for Jennie to speak up. She turns around and waits. _Nothing. Great._ She half drags herself down the flight of stairs and finds herself sitting on the cold couch, staring at the darkness in front of her. _Okay, maybe this wasn’t the brightest of ideas._ She waits in silence for a full minute before she decides to come back up and peek through Jennie’s bedroom door, pursing her lips into an awkward thin smile, fumbling with the doorknob. Should she get back or go back downstairs or… _fuck it_ and scurries back to the bed.

“You know maybe no, not the couch… not today? No, not going to the couch.” Lisa walks back and settles on her side of the bed, carefully placing the blanket over herself and fidgety hands trying to settle themselves on top of it. She stares out at the wall in front of her with a deadset, serious expression. 

It feels like forever with all the deafening silence between them before she glances at the side to peek at Jennie. 

“You need anything?” 

A beat. 

_No?_

“D-do you want me to leave?” She holds her breath for anything at this point.

Another beat.

_No? Okay..._

“Do you want me to stay?” Lisa draws out the last word, hoping it draws out something in Jennie too. 

A second. 

_Nothing…_

_Does she freaking want me to dissolve in the air or what?_

“Okay, got it.” Lisa tries but it ends up sounding a little too gruff. 

_She didn’t get shit at all._

She watches on and waits for Jennie's breathing to settle into a steady rise and fall before adding, “Uhm… Should we try and sleep now?” Jennie slides into her covers, she takes it as a yes and turns off the lamp.

* * *

Bits of sunlight were already draping in through the curtains when Lisa woke up, it warmed the room just enough for it to feel cozy. She tried to wiggle her fingers beneath the pillows to make sure they hadn't fallen asleep all night. The little movement made Jennie squirm, and Lisa held her breath, careful not to make any other movements before she heard her let out a soft hum. 

Lisa tries again, this time sliding them slowly from beneath the pillows. She feels Jennie stir and sees her looking at her with a look that was trying to tell her a lot of things she can't understand before pulling Lisa into a tight hug that’s slowly chasing the confusion away, it settles the building fear inside her. Jennie finds herself balling the sheets in her hands tightly and refusing to open her eyes. "I'm sorry--"  
  
“Oh you’re talking to me now? So no sulking anymore? Yaaay-- Oop-- sorryIdidn’tmeanthat-- I-- Whyareyoubeingsorry?” words tumbling over each other in a nervous wreck.

“For exiling me to couchland at night?” 

Jennie gives off a soft chuckle, making her eyes disappear into slits. Her whole body relaxes at Lisa's voice and she lets out a little purr. Jennie burrows into the crook of her neck and clings, it helps with settling the little tugs in her heart and she's met with a warm hand that's running circles on her back. Lisa’s steady breathing made Jennie find her own rhythm. 

"Lisa…" 

_Can't she just stay here like this forever?_

"I'm--"

"How are you feeling?"

Jennie bit the inside of her cheeks from the abruptness of the question. 

"What?" 

"Your… fever, how… howareyoufeeling?" she has a habit of spurting out words when nervous that Jennie finds endearing. 

"I'm… I'm fine." 

"Are you sure? No headaches? No grogginess? No--"

"I'm fine Lisa… can we… can we talk about yesterday?" 

She feels Lisa shift and holds her breath. _Would reaching out to caress her make her feel better?_ She holds out her hand to run her fingers across Lisa's chin furtively.

“Not until we’ve had breakfast.”

Lisa gently pulls away, ruffling her hair along the way before throwing the covers away and holding her hand for Jennie to take. 

"Well?"

"As long as I'm cooking." She gives Lisa a shy grin that puffs her cheeks. 

"I don't mind, well… kinda… cause that means my cooking sucks, but that's the--"

“Your cooking sucks tho.” Jennie smirks.  
  
“ **Facts**.” Lisa lets out a laugh and a wink. "Earth to KimJennie, come on down to the kitchen?" 

Jennie traces her quick steps with her gaze and grins. "To the kitchen." 

* * *

Jennie pours them both a glass of hot chocolate, sprinkling little marshmallows on top. The little gesture makes Lisa smile, taking a tentative sip from her mug, watching Jennie stir the marshmallows around, warming her on the inside. 

“Can we talk now?” Lisa hears the urgency in her voice.

“You haven’t finished your--”

“No, Lisa. We need to talk now.” 

“Okay.” Lisa takes the seat opposite Jennie on the kitchen counter, trying to hold her gaze. Both agreeing silently to do the same.

“Okay.”

“So…?”   
  
“I was dreaming last night… Well, it was more of a nightmare. I was dreaming of running away and then I slipped and was about to fall into the abyss and you held my hand. But then your hold just slided from my grasp and--” Jennie was frowning over her mug, voice sounding distant -- a bit detached but very focused. She doesn't want to go back to that place but she needs to.

“Hey” Lisa reached out, hesitating to take Jennie’s hand resting on the counter.

“No, let me speak.” Jennie waved her off, giving her a small smile to sort of tell Lisa she just wants to be done with whatever she wants to talk about with her.    
  
“And I fell into it. The darkness. The uncertainty. The past. But then I woke up and you were holding my hand. Real tight, I wouldn’t be able to slip. And… And I understand now that everytime I have this fear it’s just in my head, because you’re always here for me in reality. And after everything that went down yesterday, I finally realized that I shouldn’t be afraid of losing you because I’d be lost without you sooner.” The admission caught both of them in surprise. Jennie thinks it was time she finally realized and admitted the truth of things and she figures Lisa needed to hear everything. Have everything laid out on the table, everything bared down to the simple, most basic truth. 

“You ground me, Lisa. You make me feel safe and loved. Running away from all the warmth your love has granted me is something only a fool would do. I was a fool. And I’m so sorry for detaching you from me like that, for pushing you away, I was just too upset and not quite there when I said all that stuff. I was feeling like I was doing more damage than good being so complicated in your life. For a split second, I thought you’d be better off without me. But you went ahead to prove it wrong in every way possible. By sticking around. I was an idiot. It’s just… I was hurt, okay? I was hurt that my mom still thought you were another senseless fling, and I was upset at myself for never thinking of reaching out to her before and explaining how mature and sensible you made me be. I was hurt that I hadn’t been courageous enough to come clean in front of you about all the wrong paths I’d taken before you lit my way. I thought you’d be disappointed. I was hurt that I hurt you, by giving you reasons to doubt me. But most of all I was afraid that all this could come between us and ruin everything beautiful that we’ve built so far. I was scared shitless you’d dump me, and I wouldn’t be able to survive that one. ...Yesterday, when I told you I trusted you more than I trusted myself, I meant it. I really do, cause in the darkest of times you have been the one dragging me out into the light, and I’ll be forever grateful to you for that… I just really don’t want to even think about ever losing you cause I love you so much.”

“Look I’m sorry for… not being able to see things with a clearer head and for going off at you like that. I’ve acted so out of character yesterday, I guess that happens when … Shit, what I mean to say is that It’s...it’s something I’ve been dealing with all my life. Having the people I care about-- no, the people I love so much to just simply walk away from me, from my life, from everything when things get rough. The mere possibility of you, going away like that.... The idea of having you walk away from me cause all of  _ this  _ was just some fling for you-- it broke something inside. And that something was already broken. I guess it needed that nudge to have everything I’ve bottled up ever since I was young to come tumbling out. When I asked you, when you… you walked out on me I realized that… the choice of having someone leave me falls on me and I don’t want to make the same mistakes, I didn’t listen to your reasoning because I was afraid you’d say everything your mom said was true. God, why is this so difficult? I mean… I love you Jennie and I trust you and I’m sorry... I’m so sorry for ever doubting you over some shit from my past that I have to move on from. I’ve realized I have to stop living in the wounds of the past and start living in the present and even… in the future, with you.” 

Lisa shifts in her seat, giving Jennie a small smile, “When the thought of you walking away came to light, it… uh... Reminded me of my father-- the dancer, remember I talked a bit about him before? Well he… he abandoned us when I was young. I didn’t understand stuff well before and I thought he went out for a long vacation, you know… needing some time away or something. But then mom would cry every night and she’d say sorry and be unhappy that I’ve come to realize he isn’t coming back. He’s gone for good and I’ve spent my entire childhood thinking what I did wrong and never really knowing what or why or… it’s hard not knowing Jen.. and it’s even harder pretending everything’s all fine when it’s not, it’s hard not talking about stuff ...about the feelings that were drowning, all because I fear people would walk away and leave too. I’m ...I’m sorry for not talking to you about stuff when I should’ve, I was just afraid.”   
  
This time it was Jennie who reached out, taking Lisa’s shaking hand in her own and drawing little shapes to calm her thoughts down. 

“Lisa… I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone… Only if I figured things out earlier… I'm so sorry it had to take me so long to realize all this stuff. You don’t have to be alone in this anymore. A burden shared is a burden shredded in half. You can count on me now, right?”   
  
“Well… I wasn’t exactly the best at communicating my problems either… I thought it’d just make it all heavier to carry for the both of us.” Lisa gives her a reassuring smile “But now I’ve realized that you’re here despite everything and that you listen and that you understand and I should be more open. I promise you I will, from now on and… always. To talk about everything and not let that get in between us… it’s... You and me, right? You and me against the odds?” 

Jennie smiled and walked over, “You and me.”

“Sooooo… does that mean I’m still your girlfriend?” Lisa eyes her with a scrutinizing stare.   
  
“Why do you have to be so dumb?”   
  
“What,” shrugs. “You literally broke up with me yesterday?”   
  
“Yea right, and you literally slept in my bed right after.  _ GiRlFriEnD _ .” Mocks the shit out of Lisa, sticking her tongue out of jest. 

“Granted, that was all you needed to get back to me.”

Jennie’s laughter bubbled over, unable to be contained any longer. She spread her arms around Lisa, smothering her in a bear hug and planting a soft delicate kiss on her forehead, one arm around her waist and the other cradling her head, and sniffing her shampoo.

“I’m glad we had this talk, sulking at you was becoming no fun.” She said in between chuckles when Lisa melted into the embrace.

“And not being able to hug you hurt my guts -_____-”

“And kissing me?” 

“And  _ kissing  _ you.”

“And --”

“Yeah, that one too. Shut up.”   
  
“And?”   
  
“And not hearing you say the magical words.”   
  
“Hey! I did that one regardless!”   
  
“Huh?”   
  
“Oh. Oop--”   
  
“What? Where-when-how?”   
  
“Uhm… Urgh, stupid Jennie, busting myself like that!”   
  
“Humor meee!??”

“In the cab? It was your nth time dropping the L bomb on me in a span of an hour and so I couldn’t… you know. I’m fragile, Lisa!”   
  
“I love one fragile princess in the whole wide world!”   
  
“Whyyoushouting?”   
  
“...One that says she loves me 5 minutes into breaking up with me!!!”   
  
“Lisa! Hush it! Sheesh!”   
  
“...And one that calls out my name when she finds out I’m not next to her, annoying the driver to the point of me being forced to pay quadruple!!! ... Oh I bought a new cotton cardigan for you btw, had little time choosing it cause you were dripping wet in the cab but bet my bangs you’ll like it anyway! ...And fixed the pipe under the sink last night, the one that was leaking! Oh and Kuku’s with Chaesoo! And… and I’d gotten us ticks to  _ Frozen 2  _ before the breakfast with your mom, but they’re overdue now, so I guess I’ll make a cute frame out of them in my notebook that has all our stuff… Oh oh oh and…. You gotta go home and say sorry to momma Kim, cause you been a naughty kid there yesterday. And no, you can’t say no to that. And we going to  _ Frozen 2 _ tomorrow anyway.”

Jennie finds the tears spilling and buries her face in Lisa’s hair. She's afraid it's staining her nightie though, so she tries to pull away but Lisa hugs her tighter.

"No-oo, I-I'll ruin your… fav--favorite …" 

"I don't really care about a piece of clothing at the moment…" There's so much warmth about the whisper, warm enough it feels like a second hug draped on top of the other. 

"Bu--but…"

"We can worry about nighties later, babe…" her soft chuckle rumbles in her chest and Jennie finds the soft vibrations calming. "Want to talk about your stupid dream more? Hmmm?" 

Jennie shook her head, her lips grazing the soft skin on Lisa's shoulder. 

"No?"

"No…" 

"Well… how am I supposed to know who to beat up? For… For making you cry…" Jennie hears the subtle break in her voice, and realizes Lisa wasn't talking about dreams or nightmares anymore. 

It's what Jennie would have expected a hug from Lisa would feel like; warm and soft and in every sense of the word... _ safe.  _ She thinks it's become a sort of habit to be drawn towards it. _ No _ . She realizes she will always find herself gravitating towards her warmth. She nuzzles closer, the tips of her nose grazing Lisa's neck and hugs back as tightly as she can. 

"Right now, I'd rather have you hold me…" she whispers. 

"Like this?" Lisa shuffles in her seat and with her other hand reaches for something behind Jennie's back. The temporary shift makes Jennie aware of the kind of emptiness that settles from the brief moment Lisa wasn't holding her. She feels the warmth come back; a blanket wrapped over her. "Here. Now, you're a wrapped-up sushi." 

Lisa smiles at her warmly, tucking away strands of hair that were beginning to stick to her forehead from the morning sweat. 

“Speaking of wrapped-up sushis… you wanna know what else I did yesterday?”

“No!” Jennie rolls her eyes on her, curiosity creeping up.

“I took your wet clothes off without shutting my eyes...  😏😏😏 ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo FINALLY... right? Lol 🤣🤣🤣. Everyone can breathe and rest easy now. 
> 
> Hope it was enjoyable to read as it was to create.
> 
> Have an awesome day despite the quarantine blues everybody. We'll get through this and stay safe! 
> 
> Also it's been long overdue cause I have a wonky memory, here: https://open.spotify.com/user/31l7fyuryyqfkstcc4sf3puh2ehm/playlist/71w1sE8T1ODU6lSh8Khnw9?si=SoDngmQsR3C8fuuGMVRPtA
> 
> PS. Shoutout to that special anon that made this funnier, looonger, and just overall filled with adorable crack at the end. Sana masarap palagi ulam mo. 🤣 Seriously tho, you rock (everyone here is, but yanno you get the point) *wink wink* 😋😊😋


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